Coping after bereavement

Granny23 so sorry you are feeling down. I am sure your husband was a wonderful man as you still have him in your heart and always will.
You are fortunate to have your daughter near you I am sure she would want to know you are upset. Your friends are there to talk too don’t be embarrassed about showing your feelings. Also as others have suggested maybe have a word with your doctor. Your husband would not want you to suffer in silence. Take care of yourself?

A warm comfortable bed is a great sanctuary from the pain of loss.. My aunt lost her husband of over 60 years and once told me that she never talks about her loss because people don't want to hear about it, that was really sad.

Granny23, , so sorry for your loss. Sending (((hugs))))

Almost 6 months since I lost the love of my life and DH for almost 55 years. Everyone tells me how strong I am and how well I have coped, but that is all a front. I refuse to break down in front of acquaintances and feel that I must remain reasonably OK when with (at a distance) close family in particular the DGC, as they are all grieving too for their father/grandfather.

I have had clinical depression for years - so already on ADs and also suffer SAD, but know that as the days lengthen and we are able to get out into the sunshine, work in the garden etc. my mood will improve. Meanwhile I just feel numb, I have yet to shed a single tear, frightened to let go as I don't know if I would ever stop. Like you, NannyDee I knew that this was coming for a long time, as DH, over the course of 6 years, was lost, bit by bit to the ravages of Dementia. His death was in some ways a relief for me and an end to watching him suffer. Having been unable to see him or hug him for months due to Covid restrictions, I feel his presence closer to me now he is dead - feel I can talk to him any time. I sleep for up to 10 hours a day, perhaps making up for years of sleep deprivation tending to his needs or simply worrying about him. I also seem to have aged about 10 years without noticing. I look old, am very forgetful and full of aches and pains. I shun company as it is too hard to keep up a cheerful front while listening to their (what seems trivial to me) lists of complaints.

Sorry, I have no answers or helpful tips for a way forward. only thing that helps me is to curl up in a warm bed, sleep and dream about my lost love.

Really sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Try contacting Cruse for resources and support in managing your journey of grief. Your body will tell you when you are ready to move on. There are some lovely ladies and gentleman on here who have been through loss like yours. Just take one day at a time.

Thank you all very much. It really helped just writing this down and reading your posts. Scribbles and SusieB thank you and my condolences to you both. I take it one day at a time but, Scribbles, i think your idea of one hour at a time is good. I have a couple of really good friends who have helped enormously as has my daughter so I am lucky in that respect.

Thank you all again so much, your kind thoughts are much appreciated.

NannyDee so sorry for your loss , it really isn’t long since your DH died . My DH died 14 months ago also from cancer but a short time after his diagnosis. I still find it difficult to listen to the music he loved and still wake up with him in my first thoughts . It has been a very difficult time to lose some without the social interaction one would normally have . My GP was lovely and suggested bereavement counselling a few months ago but I didn’t really want to do it on line . Maybe I will once all this is over . I am beginning to make plans once we are “allowed out” , maybe planning something in the near future may give you a focus . My thoughts are with you it is very hard so be gentle with yourself ??

Sorry for your loss NannyDee. There is no right or wrong way to grieve only your way. Do what feels right for you. If you are having a good day embrace it if you are having a bad day and want to curl up in a corner and cry then you go ahead and do just that. Maybe telling one or two close friends how you really feel might help as would bereavement counselling as Scribbles has said. Just be kind to yourself

So sorry to hear this, I didn’t want to go by and not comment, I think scribbles has made some good points,

NannyDee, I recognise everything you describe. My husband died early last year following a road traffic collision and I am learning that grief does not work to a timetable. Personally, I never found it helpful to be told by others that I am strong or "doing well" but I suppose the people who say these things feel they're being supportive and encouraging.

Just take life an hour at a time and accept the way you feel at any given moment; there's no right or wrong about emotion. If you're crying, then don't fight it or try to suppress it any more than you would suppress a smile and the memory of happy times.

About three months after my husband's death, I started sessions with a bereavement counsellor. This had to be by phone because of all the pandemic rules and regs but I chose my counsellor carefully from the website of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk) . The weekly sessions were very helpful. A good counsellor will help you examine your emotions, understand and accept them and will never be judgemental. Additionally, I was lucky to have several good friends who were ready to be "there" for me, on the phone, whenever I needed it - just to listen and offer loving words of support and encouragement and to share memories of better times. I can never thank those friends enough and I do hope that you, too, have that kind of support.

Fourteen months on, I probably look and seem quite "recovered" (as if one ever can recover from loss of a lifetime partner) but, inside, I am still quite often a crumbling heap. I don't cry as often or wake every morning feeling there is nothing to live for; I am making plans for the future but, now and again, some little thing will overwhelm me: a chance word; the sight of his tools in the garage, an unexpected kindness or being obliged to deal with major things by myself such as when the central heating failed last month. This weekend will be the anniversary of his funeral, the last of those so significant first anniversaries and I fully expect to be an emotional wreck but, if I am OK, then that will be a bonus.

Don't beat yourself up or think you "should" be feeling better. There's no should about it. From my own experience and from what bereaved friends have told me, it's very gradual, doesn't happen in measured units over a given time. You will always love and miss your husband but you will also remember the good years, the joys and the funny moments and shared laughter and find yourself smiling through the tears. One day, you will wake and realise that yesterday was a good day or that today you are looking forward to something and that's okay. Enjoyment is allowed. It's a bit like when you cut your finger on the edge of a piece of paper. It's hideously sore for several days but then, quite suddenly, you realise it doesn't hurt quite so much but you were never aware of the healing taking place.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit when all I really wanted to do was to offer you a cyber (((hug))) and to say be kind to yourself, take your time. You had more than half a century together so why would you recover your husband's death in ten minutes?

I hate it when people say I'm strong. I don't even know what it means anymore. Now I tell them when I'm crumbling, which we all do from time to time.
Bereavement counselling may help- but I find there is little better than the consolation of tears.
I give myself permission to cry for five minutes and absolutely bawl it out. Just go with it.
I remember reading once that tears make a space for the joy to come in. Make that space. All things pass.

NannyDee There has been no worse time to lose someone, it's devastating enough without being cut off from all the normal and accepted distractions and supports. I am so very sorry for your loss. I think you need to be able to talk, mainly to people who don't see you as strong and dependable, but those who will see you as a woman devastated by the loss of her life partner, who is indeed strong and dependable, but who is also grieving. Speak to your GP, they will be able to help in many ways, including putting you in touch with services like Cruse, who can guide you through and listen without judgment. Also don't forget the Samaritans - at the end of the phone 24 hours a day. They are not just there when you're at the end of your tether, they are there to help you to not get there.

This acute grief will ease, it will come in waves but they will become less crushing over time. But it's easier with a bit of help. My very best wishes

It's still very early days and quite understandable to be hit with waves of sadness. It's been a life shock followed by a complete change to normal life due to the pandemic. Access to support outwith the family has not been available. I hope the Grans with real experience of this sad time will be able to help.
Good luck on your way to a different chapter in your life.

It sounds to me as if you are suffering from depression. I'm not a medical professional but not wanting to eat etc can be a symptom. I suggest you contact your doctor. They may prescribe anti depressants which is not a bad thing. My mum became depressed after dad died and is better on anti depressants. I hope you feel better soon and I am sorry for your loss. ?

I’m so sorry NannyDee. I haven’t been in your situation but I know that many people here have, I just didn’t want to ignore your post. Hopefully someone more able to help will follow.