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Providing childcare after Prolapse Repair?

(13 Posts)
NanaCarob Sat 29-May-21 20:02:29

I am having my second Prolapse (vaginal) repair op next month my first having failed within 4 years.
My dilemma is I currently travel from Kent to London (2hr journey) every Sunday evening and stay until Tuesday evening to care for my 12 month old grandson while my son and his partner work full time. I have gs from 0630 on the Monday morning to 530pm that evening and then same again the following day. I love having him and we have such adventures together! However my DH is left at home alone and if I’m honest he isn’t thrilled about it.
I have now been told that my op is next month, I do need it done and I’m so so lucky to have only waited 4 months from consultation to operation. BUT the consultant has advised that I will be unlikely to be able to lift anything over 15kgs (1stone 8lb) for the rest of my life due to the very serious likelihood of a rupture. DH AND the consultant have both said looking after gs going forward is a no-no because of the amount of lifting required. As in lifting into out of cots, car seats, pram, highchair. Lifting gs up when he has fallen, up and down stairs etc etc. Common sense and my head tells me they are right, my heart says I can make it work.
My son is devastated that I will no longer be able to look after his son, we have such a close bond and are very close. He has suggested that I continue to go but that I look after gs at the in-laws house as her dad is retired and says I’m welcome to spend the days there as there are no stairs etc etc. Apparently her dad will help with lifting etc but is this really do-able? His wife still works, she says she doesn’t mind but would she really want another woman in her home two days a week? Would I feel comfy, I’ve only met them twice. Would I be better having gs in his own home (maisonette so two lots of stairs) and adjusting how I care for him, ie. feeding from a little plastic table and chair rather than high chair, naps on cushions on floor, teach him to scoot down stairs on his tummy etc etc.
Or do I need to face the truth perhaps that is I cannot continue?
My other children (I have 5 all grown) all want me to stop as they say if I use all my care and health on first gs I’ll likely have nothing left for when others come along.
I’m so upset and cannot think straight.
I would appreciate some honest to goodness opinions please xx

Sago Sat 29-May-21 20:07:22

Could your husband come with you and help?

NanaCarob Sat 29-May-21 20:12:03

No as he works. He just isn’t great at being independent. Actually he is useless at it.hmm

Jaxjacky Sat 29-May-21 20:24:33

This will not work NanaCarob, you know it in your heart. If there was an emergency, even a trip and he needed lifted and a cuddle, instinct says you would do it. It’s very hard, but it’s your health.

EllanVannin Sat 29-May-21 20:25:06

This is something only you can decide upon really.
It is a risk that you'd have to take if you continued your childcare as obviously the child will get heavier as he grows so any strain that you'll suffer will be greater leading to a more serious condition.

It's a sad dilemma but one where you'll have to think of your own physical health and well-being as well as the rest of the family who it would seem would all like you in one piece !

B9exchange Sat 29-May-21 20:34:25

I think you know really that this wouldn't work. Young children can throw wild tantrums, throwing themselves about and needing to be picked up out of harms way. It is possible when he is a bit older and can appreciate that you have your limitations that you might be able to go back to childcare, but for now you would only be able to be there when there is another adult to step in.

It seems everyone is trying to help, and the offer of you caring for him in the in laws house is helpful, but how well do you and DGS get on with his other Grandad? Is the Grandad happy with changing nappies, lifting in and out of high chairs and strapping a wriggling toddler into a high chair. Can he run fast enough to pick him up if he runs off?

There is no harm in a trial if you feel this is what you would like to do, but get yourself better first, from personal experience you won't be doing anything for six weeks!

NanaCarob Sat 29-May-21 20:38:24


This will not work NanaCarob, you know it in your heart. If there was an emergency, even a trip and he needed lifted and a cuddle, instinct says you would do it. It’s very hard, but it’s your health.

Oh I know. I really know , deep down. But I’m so sad. Son is pulling on my heartstrings, Hubbie says it’s also as they don’t want to pay for another 2 days childminding (it would cost them £1000 a month if I don’t help) and if I’m honest (like really honest) the old fashioned part of me feels that it isn’t fair on little one to be plonked in childcare 10 hours a day five days a week at such a young age shock and that his mum should sacrifice a few hours to spend these early years with him. I keep thinking of him being away from his mummy daddy and now me. And yes I know he’s not my child and it’s their decision. But I can’t help feeling how I feel x

Mattsmum2 Sat 29-May-21 20:46:49

I’m afraid to say that your son and his partner need to find other childcare. I know it’s difficult as all has been ‘rosey’ but you must look after yourself else there could be serious consequences if something happens and ultimately you won’t be able to look after your grandson permanently. Isn’t it best to be healthy and visit weekends and holidays and have them visit you for a long time. Like lots of families, me included, I had to find childcare to enable me to work full time, now is that time for them. Nursery, childminder, aupair or if this is not affordable then consider flexible working. They both work the same days, can they not split childcare each doing two days and the rest paid childcare. I know my children became more sociable mixing with other children and adults, I had a great child minder. Best of luck with your op and let us know how you get on. Take care and stay safe x

Redhead56 Sat 29-May-21 20:55:31

It's time for you to stop this care now and consider yourself. I looked after my granddaughters for twelve hour at a time. It drained me and it became too much. When I had another GC I made it very clear I could not be relied upon. I felt guilty but that's natural but I have bad osteoarthritis and I can't lift or run around like I used to.

Do you really want to continue travelling and being away from DH and the rest of the family on such a regular basis.

I am sure you do have a wonderful relationship with your DS and love your GC. You have to face reality and put your feet up so this operation does work. I don't think it's such a good idea think of yourself you have helped out as much as you could so far.

silverlining48 Sat 29-May-21 20:56:09

Your decision of course but think you need to go with your head and you know that makes sense. You can still have a great relationship with your gs but without the childcare element which will put such a strain on you physically.
Your son should not be making you feel worse than you do already. They will have to make other arrangements fir their child to be cared for or cut down a bit on their working hours. Either way it is not down to you. You must look after your own health so you can enjoy your grandchild without sacrificing your health.

NanaCarob Sat 29-May-21 21:09:09

Thank you all for replying. Each of you speak perfect sense, its just not always easy to accept ones limitations sad and sometimes others can help, which you have.
I do also have osteoarthritis and at times it does flare up quite badly, I haven’t let on to hubbie or others that most of the time my back aches, my shoulder blades hurt and my knees keep popping. I’m only 55 , but feel so much older, especially after my hysterectomy 4 years ago. I raised 5 children, they (are) were my purpose and I always thought helping to raise grandchildren would be the next stage of my life. But it seems not. My body isn’t great, I just have ALOT of trouble accepting it! It’s just the guilt you know? Like I should be available, and that somehow I’m letting them down.

Luckygirl Sat 29-May-21 21:25:57

It is so hard. I looked after a similar age GS when I had a back problem. I did somehow manage because I taught him to crawl into his own pushchair for his naps, and he quickly learned that Grandma cannot lift him, so he would crawl onto my lap for a story. It did work up to a point, and I was in a bungalow so stairs did not come into it.

Prolapse repairs though are a bit fragile - as you have found out! - and the clear advice you have been given is not to lift at all; so it could be very difficult to look after your GS properly.

The tough bit is recognising that your role in life has changed. What was your purpose in life has now changed. It is hard I know, but if your health will not allow you to do what you had hoped for, it is important that you make a life for yourself, finding joy in other things.

Lots of good luck.

Puzzled Mon 31-May-21 10:46:07

Until you recover and heal, it would be foolish to take a short term risk that could cause long term damage. If this were to happen, all would be lost.
If you were confined to long term hospital care, the family would HAVE to manage.
Once recovered, you can return to providing childcare, which you will all enjoy.
Short term pain for long term gain, for everyone.
But do NOT risk your health.