Black Dog 10

Thanks GSM. & Scardycat* No, I don't have green fingers at all and usually indoor plants don't survive me but this one flourishes. I don't treat it differently, it is just determined to be healthy.

EllieAnne yes, I understand that church groups are not always as helpful as we should expect. I was once told by a very 'holy' member of the church that I should pray about it. Did she think I wasn't? Why didn't she offer to pray for me? Sometimes it is a complete stranger or someone you don't know well who, surprisingly, is easy to talk to and it all comes out. That has happened to me a few times and is a release. I like to think that during my recent stay in hospital I was that person. Someone opened up to me and I listened, she said I was an angel sent to help. I still pray for her now.

rafichagran I hope it is good 'busy'.

GSM more wise words, yes, we should all find something to look forward to, invent something and ensure it goes ahead. I seem to just look forward to going to bed at the moment so I need to plan ahead.

Only woke up twice last night so not quite so tired. Trying to find some motivation for today.

Hello all, hope you’re all going to have the best day you can.

Yes Doodle I do have an annual asthma review but the meds have stayed the same for some years. I just tend to think how much better it is now than when I was a child but next time I will ask if there is something more they can give me. Maybe I’ve got used to how things are and measure what I do accordingly. Thanks for your advice.

Ellie Anne it’s not awful to admit that you’ve thought through the financial consequences of a divorce. Assuming everything would be split down the middle after the legal costs, with housing costs and bills what they are these days it can mean giving up comfort and security and taking on money worries. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with thinking that through. You wouldn’t be the only one to have done so and decided it would be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Everyone’s circumstances are different but I think people our age have to be pretty well off to split up and make a new life alone when they no longer have the security of a salary coming in or the youth to be able to take on a mortgage. Only you know your own situation but it’s right to think it through and you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing so. I’m glad you’re seeing your sons and their families soon. It’s so good to have something to look forward to. I remember when I was in a really bad way with depression one day, really not fit to work but I had no choice so got an appointment same day with my lovely doctor back then and his first question was Do you have anything to look forward to? No, I didn’t. He fixed me up and ever since I’ve remembered his words and tried to find something to look forward to, I don’t go out much and my ‘somethings’ are very simple like a tv programme for instance, but there’s always a ‘something’ however small it might seem to others. Shame your cat won’t accept a small dog but I know what you mean! A shame too that your Church friends aren’t people you can talk to about personal matters - my personal experience is the same, lovely people but tending to have long and apparently happy marriages (though who knows what goes on behind closed doors?). You will always have lots of support from your friends here though.

BraveCat, how lovely that you have doves too. I think the reason we don’t see the babies is that they stay in the nest until old enough to feed themselves then their Mum turfs them out ready for the next lot. We see doves that are obviously young and a bit unsure of things, tending to stick together for a while, but able to feed themselves and they quickly grow to full size. They are all lovely to watch aren’t they’d? I get a lot of pleasure from little things like that.

Well I’ve rambled again, better go! Take care all. x

Annie I am very glad to hear that you will be getting your doors done.
I hope everyone of the posters here are are ok. I am very busy and very tired at the moment, hence I have not been posting. Take care everyone.

Joce just stick around. Even if you’re not up to posting much know we are thinking of you. Hope your worries resolve soon.
Annie sounds like you are having a busy time. Hope things are going well. Good to hear your brother is lending a helping hand. Good idea about the beds and troughs in your garden. Hopefully the lure of being able to be in your garden again will help overcome the agoraphobia.
GSM have you had a review of your asthma with your GP recently. I ask because I too have a steroid inhaler and the blue one but I also have a tablet I take at night which helps. Maybe you need something a bit stronger if you had to cancel an event because of breathing issues. My GP came out to me one night in his pyjamas underneath his trousers ?. What a lovely post to Ellie Anne . You are a very kind person I think. No you don’t ramble on, you say things from the heart.
Nonnie I can understand the desire to hold on to what you can from your son. What a lovely idea to split his plant between members of the family.
Scaredycat I’ve had a friend in today so DH went for a walk on his own. He texts to tell me where his is. I like to keep an eye on him too?. Have you been out?
Ellie Anne some thoughtful posts here for you. I think we all feel sorry for your plight.
I know you have mentioned the financial aspect before but if you did split the house you should still be entitled to your fair share. Also, wouldn’t you children prefer to think of you being happy? If it really isn’t an option then making the best of things would seem to be the only way. Do more for yourself and your own interests. Hope you get to see your sons and families soon.
You can always talk to us here. Do your church group hold any things you can become more involved in. Coffee mornings or volunteering?
Take care all the gang. Those posting and those who have posted in the past. Always in my prayers.x

Doodle I will try to see my oldest boy anf family soon. I’ve arranged to see my younger son on Monday though I won’t see him much as he’s working from home. But I’ll see his partner and the wee one.
No gsm the cat would definitely not put up with a dog! My son occasionally brings his big silly lab and poor puss is terrified.
It sounds awful to admit it but the financial aspect is a big one. Especially when adult children are not well off.

Nonnie my church group are lovely but none of them are in similar situations and although some of them know a bit about me it’s not something they like to talk about.
I pray about it every day along with lots of other things.

I do like to watch the house martins and am amazed at how many fit into the tiny nest. I just don’t like the mess they make!
Thank you all for responding.
I’ve tried emailing the Samaritans when I’ve felt really low but haven’t found their emails very helpful.
You all seem to understand.

Afternoon all.
Nonnie- I hope your walks are helping to calm your mind a bit - it’s lovely that you all have a piece of your sons plant - a family of green fingers!! I still have a plant from Mums garden that I thought was done for but this year it’s flourished like never before. Take carex
BlueSky- so glad you are both on the mend- I think you have been so brave how you have coped.Glad too that you are getting out for walks again, it,ll take a while for your fitness to return so don’t overdo it just enjoy being out again.
EllieAnne- you are certainly not a hypocrite or horrible inside. You are trying so hard to hold everything together which is not easy when you are met with no affection or interest. Enjoy the company of your Church Group it will do you good to be with kind people.
Doodle- OK today thanks and hope you are too. We,ve been out so feel a bit tired now as there were quite a lot of people there so bit stressy. Lovely though to see the sun again and sit outside with a coffee.
Joce- hello - nice to know you are there.
Annie- I feel the same whenever anyone I love is travelling. It is such a relief when you hear that all is well and they are safe.
Your garden plans sound lovely. Do you have favourite flowers you are looking forward to planting?
GSM- we have collared doves too who love to poo on the
conservatory roof!! I am very ignorant about birds - why do we never see baby ones? I do like to feed them though and watch them in the bird baths.
I too enjoy reading your posts - you are a very kind and thoughtful person.
Love to all BDGx

Thank you Nonnie, you’re very kind. I fear I do ramble on!

Yes it is so hard to let go of personal things that belonged to a loved one. We feel they keep the person close but they are anyway. You can still use the toothbrush as a manual one sometimes if you can’t get replacement bits. Don’t throw it away just yet if you’re not ready to. It only takes up a little space but it’s a very big thing to you. How wonderful that you have that special plant and have been able to divide it up between the family. You must have very green fingers. It’s a living reminder of someone who will always live in your heart and in your memory and who you will be reunited with when God thinks the time is right. God bless. x

BlueSky so glad you are feeling a bit better, thank goodness you were fully vaccinated.

Ellie Anne hope the church group helped. Is there someone there you could talk frankly to? Seems to me that you and DH have reached an impasse and maybe accepting that is all you can do? If you have accepted that you have to decide whether there is anything to do about it or just lead separate lives in the same home. Sounds harsh but what else can you do? Keep praying for help, be prepared for it to come from an unexpected source, it often does. Recently two of the people on my prayer list have had results, both quite unexpected.

Thanks Doodle, it is gradually fading, I have to believe it will improve but it is sort of PTSD when things come back and hit me. It is also hard to 'let go' of some things. I have been using DS's electric toothbrush but it has finally given up the ghost and DH has been wearing some of his sweaters but they are getting beyond it too. The one thing we can keep going is the plant from his kitchen which is thriving and keeps being split so every member of the family now has one.

Annie sounds like you had a busy day.

Yes, exactly the same here, just saw DS who is off to London for a couple of days and the last thing I said to him was 'keep in touch'. I know he would anyway because he knows how I feel but I still say in. I know which hotel they are staying in too.

GSM I like reading your posts, such wise words.

Morning all.

Doodle, glad your mouth is healing. Thank you for asking about my asthma and thanks to Nonnie too. I have a steroid inhaler and also the blue puffer. Mostly I’m ok though it can be a bit limiting sometimes and it was such a shame not to be able to host the long-awaited weekend, I felt I’d let everyone down though they all understood. But it’s nothing compared to when I was a small child and had attacks every night. How my poor Mum coped with so little sleep, and with me being off school so much, I can’t imagine. And partially sighted Dad having to go to the phone box at the end of the road in the middle of the night to call the doctor sometimes when things were particularly bad. He was a lovely doctor, never minded turning out (or didn’t show it!) and always said ‘Hello beautiful eyes’. When I needed a doctor one night in the hot summer of ‘76 he made it pretty clear he wasn’t happy having to come out! Anyway things are so much better these days and enough about me!

Poor EllieAnne. You’re not being a hypocrite at all. You’re showing great loyalty, fortitude and forbearance which are true Christian characteristics. I’m sorry your life is so lonely. The trouble with separation is that everything is divided up and at our time of life people can be left very badly off financially which doesn’t make for much happiness even if the original source of the unhappiness is off the scene. I think you did wonderfully to undertake that very long journey to your daughter’s and you should really give yourself a big pat on the back for that. Your husband sounds like one of life’s selfish
complainers (not an uncommon male trait in my experience) but perhaps he missed you when you were away hence the meeting up with your son, not that he would admit it of course. You’re the glue that keeps everything going and I’m not surprised it gets you down. I’m glad you have your Church group. It’s a shame that your cat is one of the independent ones. Do you think he (the cat, s*d the husband!) would accept a small dog in the household? Dogs are totally dependent on us for everything and give so much love. Something that many receive only from a pet. They are beyond value. I was interested to hear about your house martins, it’s so lovely to have them around in the summer and I will miss them when they go away later this month. They have so few places to nest these days but know they can trust and rely on you. I can imagine they make quite a mess but it must be lovely to see them coming back each year. We have a collared dove’s nest under the eaves behind the satellite dish and she makes a mess too! I feed the birds all year (the expense! I try to hide it!) and get huge pleasure from watching them. I do hope you’re feeling a little better today after seeing your friends last night.

Nonnie your walks are bound to do you good. Exercise really does lift the spirits but it can be difficult to make the effort. Always worth it when we can though.

Annie, BlueSky*, BraveCat, Joce, hope you are all ok.

Have the best day you can all. x.

Hi all x

I thought I had posted yesterday!

In my defence, a chap from British Gas was here fixing a problem with central heating and a chap from the electric company fixing a problem I didn’t know existed! and my brother measuring for shelves.

Ellie Anne you are not horrible inside, you are deeply troubled and unhappy, where better than a church group x

Scaredycat you are brave, you went to places you feared, millions have the same fears, x

nonnie hope your thoughts have eased, my husband died in a car crash 1976, my younger daughter and my grandchildren
message me to say they are back home when they have been
away, I never feared when I was driving but am when they are
travelling x

BlueSky so happy to learn you are both feeling better. Yes Gaviscon, when I am stressed my ulcer works overtime,
Your brain is not twisted my love x

GSM the gate is a fire escape, if a resident in the bungalows had a fire and could only escape through the back door they have to be able to leave their back garden through a gate in the
fence between the bungalows. How are you? x

Doodle hope your mouth has healed x I have already planned raised beds and troughs for my garden x

Morning all just in the back ground hear..
hope everyone’s doing ok thinking of you all. have a good day everyone ?

Nonnie hope your walks have helped lift your spirits a bit. At least you’re trying to get out and do things. Hope you are feeling a bit better.
Bluesky glad to hear you are both feeling a bit better at last. You will need to take it easy while you build up your strength. It will have taken quite a lot out of you.
Ellie Anne you sound so down. Does your husband complain about things a lot. That would being most people down. I’m sorry you missed out on a trip to see your son, does he live near you, can you arrange to see them soon?
You are not horrible inside you are just depressed and low.
You were very brave to do that journey to help out your daughter but you did do it and get back again. You deserve a big pat on the back for doing it despite your fears.
Annie and the rest of the gang, how are you all today?

Thank you all for your concern.
I would be happy to separate but he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong and we are way past the stage of talking about anything personal.
We sleep in separate rooms and spend most of the day apart.
I have a lovely cat but he is very independent and goes out a lot.
I was full of good intentions on the drive home. I was going to be pleasant and kind.
Did not work!
In the house 5 mins and he’s complaining because he hurt his back cleaning up bird poo on new drive. ( we have a house martins nest in the eaves and they make a dreadful mess)
It’s usually me that does it.
Then complains he’s got a problem with his buggy and I find out he’s been meeting up with son and family last weekend when he could have waited till I was home.
Eventually asks about daughter and cat but not really interested.
So my mood is way down again.
Going to my church house group tonight but feel a hypocrite as I’m so horrible inside.
And the m62/m60 must be the scariest road in the country!

Hi all x Feeling better and cough not so bad for myself and DH. I feel for people who already have chest conditions, even a mild dose of Covid must be a nightmare. I also blame Covid for a flare up of my gastritis,
thank goodness for good old Gaviscon.
Annie weirdly enough I haven’t been anxious at all about all this, I’m only anxious when I don’t actually have anything to fret over and my twisted brain tries to find something to worry me!
Trying to do our walks again, short ones to start with, we are amazed at how far we usually walk and how much we normally eat when we are well!
Thinking of all of you and hoping you’ll be able to solve your problems. Have a peaceful evening x

Thanks scardycat I hope you are right.

Ellie Anne hope your tooth is not causing you pain.

Doodle glad your mouth is better.

GSM sorry to read about the asthma

Hope everyone else is OK.

2 long walks today, trying to get back to feeling some sort of normal.

Hello all.
Ellie Anne that seems a long wait for the dentist. I hope the tooth isn’t hurting.
It seems so sad that you are in this life that you aren’t happy with. Is it not possible for you to find somewhere on your own or tell you husband that you want to live separately. Could you split your home up so you each have separate space. I wish we could come up with something that would make life better for you.
joce I’m glad you’re still getting to sleep ok at night. That dreadful feeling on waking is awful. I hope that whatever it is that is bothering you is resolved or improved soon so that you can relax a bit more. These things usually pass with time.
Annie I would love to hear you return to gardening. Is it possible someone could make you some raised beds or pots you could tend from your wheelchair?
Nonnie not surprised your son’s proximity to such an event has caused you such anxiety. Our minds always look at the worst option good it wasn’t quite as bad as you feared.
GSM thanks yes my mouth is better. I always have a tube of Bonjela at the ready and Blistese too. I did use it and it did help numb the pain.
Sorry your asthma has been bad. Mine is under good control now. Do you have regular medication? I take a tablet at night and inhalers during the day.
Your dog sounds lovely. I know Annie has dogs. We used to and miss them a lot but I have 3 granddogs (as they call them on GN) so plenty of opportunities for a cuddle.
bravescaredycat I have noticed that many people have stopped wearing masks in shops. We still wear ours and I avoid people who don’t. You are brave, you did go into town so don’t forget that.
Have a good evening all x

Hi everyone
Ellie Anne- I so feel for you it takes courage to even phone the dentist what a shame it’s going to take so long. Is it possible that you could try another private dentist in your area. You are allowed to have more than one dentist I believe. Are you able to do some of your pre Covid things now and see your friends more?
Joce- I do hope some of your worry can be solved soon. Mornings are so often difficult especially if you wake early and your mind clicks straight into gear. Do you feel better as the day goes on?
Annie- so good to hear you talk about your garden and making a plan. I do agree that it is a very healing pastime it will do you such good to be out there again. I would love to see your
indoor garden. I,m ok thanks - still struggling with my fears especially now things are opening up so much. I went to the opticians yesterday to change my glasses yet again . It is in a large shopping centre but as soon as that was done I couldn’t stay as there was too many people and hardly anyone wearing masks. I was so scared I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Just as I think I,m getting braver I realise I have a long way to go.
Blue Sky - hope your anxiety is subsiding a bit today. You have done so well during what must have been an anxious time with Covid. I hope you are both feeling better today.
Doodle - hope your mouth is less sore today. I did that once with meat on a fondue skewer and almost cauterised my lip!! My own fault one glass too many I think? those were the days.
Nonnie- so sorry you have had such a reaction to what happened to your son the other day. But it’s not surprising considering . You are such a strong lady and an inspiration for us all- those images you conjured up will take a while to fade but hope soon you will feel confident again.xx
Sending love to all the gang

Wonderful news Annie. I hope it won’t be long before they do the work. I see the problem with the gate but if there was a fire in one of the bungalows would it really be necessary for the gate to be used? If you think it would be necessary I wonder if what you’re using to tie the gate up might be replaced with a length of chain tied on your side? Perhaps your son in law might think of something that would make you feel more secure. Gardening is indeed very healing and just to be able to sit in a garden stills the mind. I don’t know if you watch Gardener’s World, one of the chaps who is regularly featured is in a wheelchair and how he works out how to do all the various jobs is really inspiring, my Dad had very poor eyesight, blind in one eye and little sight in the other and eventually went totally blind but never gave up on his garden, I can see him now feeling his way as he sowed veg seeds. He grew all our fruit and veg very successfully.

Poor Doodle, it’s horrible when that happens isn’t it. I do hope your mouth is better soon. Are you using Bonjela on it? I always find it’s very soothing. I am fine, thank you very much for asking. Asthma has been playing up which forced me to cancel long-planned visit from son and daughter in law at the weekend. I think it’s the dust thrown up by harvesting in nearby fields and carried on the breeze, same happened last year, but feeling a lot better now and must get to things I neglected for a few days.

EllieAnne I am so sorry. Marriage can be very lonely and I’m sorry your daughter gives so little of herself despite your enormous efforts to help her. That must hurt but you know it’s because of her problems and not because she doesn’t love you. I hope you’re able to find some things of your own to immerse yourself in that give you a little joy. Do you have any pets? They will always listen to you and give you love. My dog is an elderly lady now but gives me so much love and they are a reason to get up in the morning. I’m really sorry about your tooth. Such a long time to wait but at least you’re on the list. I wonder if there’s another dentist in your area that might fit you in more quickly especially if you can afford to go privately? Remember wearing your mask going shopping etc will be useful in more ways than one.

I must go now but Joce, Nonnie, BraveCat, BlueSky and all, thinking of you and wishing you strength and a better day today.

I haven't opened my laptop for a few days, not doing so well at the moment. The fright about DS seems to have put me back. It wasn't as bad as I had built it up in my mind, yes, he helped out but in my mind he was covered in blood with the assailants waiting to strike again! That is not what happened to my other DS but seems to have reawaken all the insecurities. Currently going through the motions at home while feeling rather numb.

I've read all the posts, so many are going through a hard time so I will pray for all the BDG as a group.

Annie glad you have made another 'baby step', persistance can pay off.

Hi all x

Thank you all , don’t know when doors will be put in but they will be so I have plans on how I can return to gardening. No
not mowing the lawn .

Gardening has always been my passion as well as poetry ! I
believe it is healing, when I had to stop I turned part of my living room into an indoor garden.

How is everyone?

Hi rafichagran hugs x

Ellie Anne have you told your husband how troubled you are
by his coldness ? Forgive this personal comment, has love died
between you? I am concerned that you accept so little from your family x

BlueSky how are you and your husband? Is your anxiety still
bouncing off the ceiling ? x

Doodle hope your mouth is less sore, hope the meal was worth it x

Joyce that anxiety on waking is shared by so many , does it ease when you are up and about? x

BraveScaredycat how are you? x

nonnie is all well with you ? x

GSM the woman next door was living in the Cul de sac before I moved here x

Annie i finished my hypnosis my tapes are still helping me sleep, it’s just some morning I wake up in a horrible place, I have still got a lot that is worrying me hope getting things sorted will help me.
I’m am so pleased that they are finally doing something to help you the doors are a start of things to come...

Good night all sleep well ?

Phoned the dentist and can’t get app till 5 November. Even offered to go private but no use. It looks awful. DH doesn’t notice I’m unhappy. Everyone else can see it. In fact it goes beyond unhappiness.
Daughter can be difficult but with her mental health history it’s amazing that she holds down a job at all. I’m just thankful she is still here. There was a time when she burnt herself with the iron and cut herself really badly. Now drugs keep her stable but the tiredness is a side effect.

Annie- that’s brilliant news so pleased for youxx

Yippee!! Annie so pleased. At last. Do you know when the work will be done?
I can’t help wondering, why someone thought moving your disruptive neighbour into a cul de sac of 18 elderly residents was a good idea. Perhaps they thought you wouldn’t complain like others might or they could ignore the trouble she is causing.
I hope she doesn’t cause problems for you in your garden.
Annie I don’t know if your alarm is anything like my SIl’s but she was advised to test it once a month to check it was working properly. Do you check yours is ok? I would imagine it works for some distance around your home because most people would be expected to go into the garden at some time.
Joce oh dear. It’s awful when you have that panic inside. Has something happened to make you so stressed?
Ellie Anne I’m sure the dentist can sort out your crown whenever you get home. As long as your teeth don’t hurt you are ok. Good of you to help looking after your daughter’s cat.
Glad she’s improving.
I am so sorry but I wonder where you get a life in all this. Your daughter works hard and doesn’t chat and you feel alone at home. Is your local social life picking up a bit with lockdown easing? I wish you could get involved with something that brings you some pleasure in life. Is your DH aware you are so unhappy? I too, like Annie wonder if you would be happier on your own somewhere.
Hi rafichagran hope all is well for you and yours.
GSM how are you doing today? I am nursing a sore mouth.
My own fault, we went out for a meal and it looked so nice I took a big bite and burnt the roof of my mouth.
Hope everyone is ok. Take care all x

Excellent