How do we tell the grandkids?

Thank you everyone. I have cried at many of your comments and I don't cry easily.
It was caught early and hasn't spread and the oncologist is hopeful that the early treatment may even eradicate it (a 16% chance).
With covid, we are reluctant to attend birthday gatherings at the moment, so they need to know why.
You have reassured me, thank you

We had to tell our children aged 13 and 17 their dad had cancer and wouldn't live 5 years. He died 3 years later.

Children from an early age know when something is different. Get their parents to explain about their granddad . But don't be frightened to say cancer . Get them to explain he will be poorly and look different . But the doctors are trying to make him better. He will still be their granddad but he wouldn't be able to do the things he used to for a while.

I don't know what sort or grade of cancer your husband has . Mine had a grade 4 malignant melanoma so we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years. When he was terminal he was given 4 months to 2 years . We knew it was months he died just under the 4 months. In 2004 aged 47.

It's important to tell children the truth. They can look anything up on the internet nowadays. And will be very unhappy if you lie to them. Children understand more than you think from an early age.

I have been ill since I was 29 our children where 4 years and 6 months. My grandson's are growing up with Nannie has to walk with a stick and can't do some things. I am now 63.
Our children and now my grandson's are growing up with a better understanding that people have health and disabilities. I think it's made and making them better people.

Hope all goes well for your husband . You have a long and hard journey ahead. But there is plenty of help out there make good use of it. Wishing you all the best.

Agree with others saying it’s up to the parents.
My darling Papa had 2 bouts with cancer, the first of which happened when I was around 10. I knew something was wrong, I knew he was sick but all the adults in my life tried to “protect” me. All that happened for me was that I worried more, because at 10 I was more than savvy enough to realise it was serious. I eventually got my mum to admit he had cancer and that he was being treated - which although I still worried was easier to deal with because I knew the facts.

I’d encourage your GC’s parents to be truthful in an age appropriate way, from my own experience I felt lied to and it made everything worse not knowing what was going on.

I hope all goes well with your DH’s recovery

I am sorry that you and your husband are facing this.

Their parents should talk to them. Tell them the truth in simple terms. Lying to them or covering it up won't work, they will know something is wrong and that is more scary than the truth.

They need to hear something like "Grandad has a lump and it is making him ill, and if left alone will make him feel worse. He is going to have some medicine that will make him feel ill but that will help to make the lump go away hopefully". If they ask if Grandad might die then they need to be told that is a possibility but the medicine is to try and stop that happening.

At 8 and 10 they will be aware of death, aware of cancer and need to be able ask questions and have them answered truthfully.

Luckygirl this is much like my family (5 children) and their involvement in the illness (and deaths) of both my parents.

I think it was best to tell the truth and we found they took it in their stride. Being honest meant they were not left in doubt and worried about the process and the older ones could ask questions and not worry that we would hide things from them. We were asked both times, will Grandpa/Granny die and we told them that they might but we were all doing everything we could to not have that happen.
We were honest with them, so they knew it was a serious illness (both times) but we tried not to give them more information than they could understand. Some things we had to repeat to the younger ones in particular. "Yes, Granny is having some really nasty medicines but we are hoping it will make her well again".

Later, in our case the prognosis was very grim. I was glad we had been truthful earlier. We had to say "the medicine/surgery didn't work for Granny so now she is just going to stay at home and be cosy with us".
The children felt involved as they could make her feel better by reading to her or one of the little ones might "help" her by drawing a sunny picture for example. My 10 year old used to stand at the window and offer a running commentary on the birds in the garden.

In your case there is the possibility (and hope) that the chemo will work and of an operation too if need be - so you are in the fortunate position of having hope that things can be sorted and he will get well. You are not at the end of the road by any means and I'm sure all of us here on Gransnet hope all goes to plan and these worrying times are soon put behind you.
It's lovely that you are close to your grandchildren and that you are concerned they don't lose trust. I think yes, do tell them, encourage their mum and dad to talk about it with them. The more "normal" and less secret it is, the easier it will be for them I think... and ultimately, the easier for you and your dear husband.

Thinking of you.

MissAdventure

I would tell them the bare facts.
Grandad has a nasty lump and needs medicine to treat it.
The medicine is very strong so it might make him feel rotten, and affect his hair.

That sounds right MissAdventure just enough information not to scare them. I think as much truth as they can understand is the way to go.
I hope your husband has a good outcome MrsPickle

When my DH was diagnosed with cancer the GC were all told as much as their age group could understand. They all apart from those abroad came to visit as often as they usually did in the weeks before he died and came to the funeral. So as much basic information as you think they will understand without going into details.

I am sorry to hear your OH is unwell.

My OH had Parkinsons an, following a fall, became very unwell and disabled, both physically and mentally.

Nothing was hidden from the GC, whatever their age. The two littlest used to come to me after school and they were involved in anything that needed doing for him - the catheter and the bag of wee were objects of particular fascination - I explained how it worked when they asked. They would take him food, and come and tell me when he needed lifting or any other action. They were totally unfazed by some of his incoherent ramblings - it was just Grandpa.

As he deteriorated, they visited him in hospital and the nursing home and saw how ill he got. We did not hide it from them and their lively interventions were a comfort to him and to me.

The older GC (5 of them) were closely involved - they knew he was going to die. Their open approach to him was a true blessing. I have a photo of some of them (taken at their request) with him as he lay dying. I well remember my teenage autistic GD sitting with her arms around him.

All but the smallest were at the funeral; but they too came to the wake and knew what it was about.

I have never regretted being totally honest with them, and we all talk openly about him still. They do not appear to have been traumatised by it at all.

I hope that the outcome for your OH will be better, and that the presence of the GC will be a help to both of you.

Tell them the truth in the simplest possible way. GD is ill the Dr's are trying to make him better but it might change the way he looks.If they ask how tell them.
One of mine disappeared up my fathers shirt to see his scar after a bypass opp. but accepted it. Children only get upset if you get distressed it;s hard but does seem to work or did in our case.

I hope that your DH has a specialist nurse, if so, talk to them, this is part of their job, and if not, they can pass you on to local specialists.
Macmillan have some good on-line resources as well, which you can use and adapt to the way you would normally talk to the GCs.
They need to know, they need to know that clever and resourceful people will be helping grampy, but don't give false reassurance.

I do wish you all the best.

DC had to deal with the loss of one set of grandparents over a couple of years between the ages of 9 and 14. Both children were aware that each respective grandparent was not as well as normal, but none of us had any reason to believe the unwellness was the sign of somthing serious. When we knew we told them, kept them in the circle and shared everything we knew.

We never hid anything from our children.

I am sorry to hear that. When my mum had cancer my children were quite young, I told the oldest one I think he was around 9, but I cant remember having a formal conversation with the 4 year old. I just kept it simple said that grandma had cancer and the doctors were making it better and that some of the treatment would make her tired and her hair fall out. They took it completely in their stride. I think you need to talk to the parents to see how they want to handle it.

How also the parents plan to handle it?

Any logical and age appropriate explanations such as: "grandpa is not feeling well" is enough

My advice is to be totally honest in a kind child friendly way not to dwell on the negatives but they are old enough to know
When my grandkids were 4 and 6 their Daddy became very ill and subsequently died their mum was advised to be honest with them in a child friendly way so that they knew what to expect
I clearly remember losing my own grandad who was so precious to me when I was about 15 it was a total shock no one talked about things like illness or death to a child, not even a teenage one, I was heartbroken and now looking back I can realised how traumatised I was for some time and all the empathy went to my Nan and my Mum (as it should of course) but I don’t think children feelings were considered then

I would tell them the bare facts.
Grandad has a nasty lump and needs medicine to treat it.
The medicine is very strong so it might make him feel rotten, and affect his hair.

What do parents think? I’m sorry for you and your husband .