Three elderly parents

I'm glad you have some breathing space Maddyone. My aunt is 84 and has very small savings, which I've told her to keep for paying future carers, prior to going into a home if she has to.

I had assumed if she needed to go into a home her savings would be used, whilst her flat was in the process of being sold. I have looked at homes on the IOW and the one she likes is £4K per month.

Thank you for your answer Jaxjacky. The flat is owned under a legal trust so can’t be sold for care fees. Mum has never been assessed to my knowledge by Social Services, but the home and the physiotherapist have met and said she’s no longer eligible to be funded as her broken shoulder has now healed. Anyway I’ve just had a conversation with the home manager and it seems Mum can go on to a two week respite care contract, whereby she can pay every two weeks. That is a relief, as I’ve been really worrying overnight about this. Mum wasn’t the best mother in the world by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m trying my best to do right by her in her old age.

I agree with the last few posts.
Do you have POA?

Three days' notice is simply not on, it is not feasible to find anywhere suitable in that time, without the added stress to your mother at the upheaval and to you too.

If she owns her own flat then that is the only solution; you will be able to continue to pay for the care home where she is relatively settled.

I am so so sorry to hear Maddyone- and because I know so well how stressful it all is. We had to battle on 2 fronts, with my MIL and Alzheimers, having to change care home and selling her flat- and at the same time my parents abroad. I had to give up my job as I could not keep asking for time off to come and sort out my parents abroad. So after MIL died and we retired, we actually made the huge decision to move here- as sorting it all out from the UK was just so stressful.

My heart truly goes out to you.

So sorry to read this Maddyone.

If you provided evidence that you are putting your Mum's flat on the market, would they allow her to stay where she is? Will it sell easily?

Three days notice is really not on, can you appeal it? at least it will buy you time and get an assessment from adult social services, whilst letting them know, in no uncertain terms the toll on you.
Maybe it’s time to sell her flat, (I don’t recall if it’s owned or rented). Problem is this is more upheaval, responsibility and work for you. I’m sorry I can’t think of anything else other than disappearing for a week or two! They won’t chuck her out onto the street.

Problems with elderly parents never end do they? When visiting mum yesterday, the finance manager came to see me. The NHS will no longer fund mum as her shoulder has healed now, and despite her other medical problems, she must start to pay, as from Monday. We knew she’d have to start paying soon, but three days notice! Anyway it seems she can’t stay there as she only has sufficient funds for about a year and a half and the home requires evidence that there is sufficient funding for two full years. So now, panic! We’ve got to find a cheaper home as quickly as possible. Suddenly mum is not talking about going back to her flat, and is saying she can’t go back as she’s not well enough. Which I knew all along. It at least proves what I thought all along, in saying she wants to go home she yet again, after a lifetime of this, was attention seeking.

I just wanted to come on here to say a massive thank you to you all for your advice and support. There is a problem with regard to Mum and putting my foot down about her going back to the flat would be quite difficult, in that she is of sound of mind, apart from being a bit forgetful, and she can make her own decisions and as a determined and frankly stubborn woman, she will do as she will do. The way I think I have to deal with it, thanks to advice on here, is to do whatever I can do and is reasonable to do, but not give way when she tries to manipulate me. It’s probably good advice for anyone trying to deal with very elderly parents, and from a variety of threads on Gransnet, I think there’s quite a few of us. On my last visit, Mum didn’t mention anything about going back to her flat, which is good, as I really feel she’s in the best place for her. It’s sad, but it’s what happens when we live to a great age, I rather hope I don’t! My daughter suggested that she was talking about going back to the flat as an attention seeking device, because we went away, and I’m apt to think she’s right. My son also commented that on his visit to her whilst we were away, she talked about going back to the flat, but he was surprised that she wasn’t ‘ill’ as on previous holidays she was always ‘ill.’ She used illness as an attention seeking device, but has now changed it to ‘I’m going back to the flat (if you’re going to go away.)’

Thank you Gransnetters.

Sorry, looking at that, it sounds harsh, but it hit home.

Maddy my heart goes out to you. The answer has to be no, I’m sure you can predict the future, another fall at home, another care home and so on, no good for anyone, particular you and your immediate family.
As Kali2 said, be firm, you have other people as a priority, mainly yourselves, nowhere is it decreed you sacrifice your own quality of life for an accident of birth. Take care x

Hello Maddy, I can relate somewhat and hope you are able to keep your mum in the care home where she is well taken care of and which gives you much needed relief. My own mother went into a care home at age 97. Getting to that point was a monumental task as she thought she should be home with family and neighbors tending her many needs.

She'd suffered several falls and hospital stays over the previous few years and was no longer mobile. I can't even imagine if we'd caved and brought her back home as she demanded at the time. She is now nearing 101 and still talks of going home and occasionally pouts when she's gone a day or more without a visitor. She often tells us that in her day "family took care of their elders." We have had to stay firm while remaining loving and listening as she frequently voices her complaints. We're also fortunate that she is well cared for in a good place.

Best of luck to you.

Gosh Maddy, you’ve been through the mill.
Glad you enjoyed your holiday, don’t let all that good be undone.
You have said that your mother hadn’t been a very good mother and she does sound a bit selfish.
Think about why you are knocking your socks off to please her. Is it just because you love her or is it because you are still seeking her approval, her praise, her love.
You are obviously a good person, a good mother, a good grandmother, a good daughter and all round good egg. You have our approval on here, it’s unanimous.
Let the home deal with your mother, visit her once or twice a week only for pleasure and only if you want to.
Let yourself off the hook and go and enjoy your life with your lovely husband.

Oh Maddy, just read this thread - my God you have your hands full. Someone upthread mentioned selfish parents, and I honestly really do agree with that. I can't imagine any of us - our generation - behaving in this way. How many times my DH and I (and many gransnetters) have said that we are determined not to be a burden on our children. Again as someone upthread said, your mothers generation lost their parents early, happily retired at 60 (if they worked at all) and enjoyed their retirement. So many of us seem to be still working in our sixties and running round after elderly parents. Even those who have retired seem to spend so much time doing so much more than they really NEED to for their parents. What happened to OUR golden years?

Sorry, I expect that I sound selfish lol - but I feel quite strongly about this

I've only just seen it too Maddyone, I am so very sorry, you are in a no win situation.

I agree with Kali2 that you have to say no to your mother as she still needs the 24/7 attention of the professional nursing staff. The Care Home Manager and staff will surely understand.

Maddy. I was only thinking about you the other day, glad your back to update us.
So pleased you had a good holiday, I do envy you that, my mum 90 lives alone, we have just been away for a few days and it was ruined by the fact that I phoned every day only to be told how poorly she felt, funny enough she’s fine today ?
Now you’ve managed to get her in the care home, I would just keep repeating how dangerous it would be at home for her, and how much better she’s feeling is because she’s being looked after. Has she still got a house to go back to ? I’m keeping my fingers very tightly crossed for you, you’ve had a taste of freedom, I hope it continues .

You will just have to put your foot down- and explain to the Care Home manager that you are not in a position to care for her at home, and that s/he and all the staff must be made aware of this and support you in that decision every day.

I agree. You will have to be firm.
You could run yourselves ragged and become ill yourselves.

It sounds a bit harsh but do you have Power of Attorney? Could you sell her flat if she will soon need to pay for her care if NHS funding runs out?

Oh maddy, I feel for you.

Glad you had a good holiday.

I can only envisage how awful your situation must be. My DH and I were fortunate in the fact that our DM and MIL both died before they needed such care, although both in their late 80’s and early 90’s. Selfish to say, but better for us and better for them.

Easier said than done, but your mother must stay in the home. What good is it when they go home but need all this care?

You deserve your own life, but can well imagine how guilty you feel. Try not to, you’ve more than done your bit.

Only just seen this thread, and I just don't know what to say- apart that I am so very sorry. You will just have to put your foot down- and explain to the Care Home manager that you are not in a position to care for her at home, and that s/he and all the staff must be made aware of this and support you in that decision every day.

Totally get that any political thread will feel overwhelming- so best keep away and look after yourself for now, and do NOT feel guilty (yes, I know. easier said than done).

Take care and keep sharing it it helps at all. hugs

I had a struggle to find this thread again, but thought I would update anyone who might be interested. My mother is still in the nursing home. She needs the District Nurse to visit every couple of days to dress her leg which weeps continuously, and nursing care every day to treat the bedsore on her back, which has been there since she was in hospital in early July.
My husband and I have been on holiday to Greece. Being on holiday without having to worry about her alone at home was wonderful. I really relaxed and we explored the whole island in our hire car, ate out at lovely tavernas, and generally just enjoyed ourselves. On our first visit when we returned mother told us she can now walk the 2/3 metres to her en-suite bathroom, using her walker, without a carer to help. If the dressing on her bedsore falls off her back, then she does have to call for help. Consequently she told us, she’d like to go back to her flat. She is totally dependent on others to help her. To shop, cook, clean, dress/undress, do her laundry, shower, dress her bedsore, and everything else. She thinks because she can walk a couple of metres with a walker, that she is ready to live independently. She only ever would agree to one care visit a day, and otherwise it was down to us. I don’t want to go back to that situation, and with a less mobile and less able elderly mother than before. She has always been a selfish woman who put her own needs above the needs of others, including the needs of myself and my sister when we were children, and I feel that this continues to this day. My daughter asked if I thought she’s saying this because we went away, and that’s very possible. She told my son she was thinking of it whilst we were away. When we went to Somerset a few months ago, she refused to speak to me on the phone, until we returned. I just want her to stay in the nursing home where she’s looked after and I can relax. I’m feeling very anxious about the situation and frankly I just want it to end.

Thank you for all your comments everyone. Thanks for letting me know Gill about being able to claim the Attendance Allowance even though she’s now in a home. We did know, and are in the process of claiming the higher amount for her now as she needs care during the night.

My three day ‘non visit’ didn’t go so well because the next time I went to see her she told how one day she cried all day and the carers had to keep sitting with her. Of course that made me feel guilty and upset, which was probably what she hoped I’d feel. She’s been known for her ability to exaggerate all her life, and so I know that even if she did have a cry, it wouldn’t have been all day. And I know she received comfort, but why does it make me feel so guilty?

Anyway I’ve visited her every other day since, rather than daily. When I visited yesterday, and said I’ll come again on Wednesday, the immediate response was what am I doing today. I said I don’t know. She’s normally okay with one missing visit if I tell her I have an appointment or something I have to do, although she often asks what time the appointment is. Anyway I’m not going today and so at lunchtime I got a text telling how bad she was in the night, with her legs running in water and soaking the bed (she has very swollen legs due to age and probably her heart failure) and then saying ‘enjoy your lunch.’ We didn’t go out to lunch so I assume she thought we were going out. Anyway I know it’s just attention seeking, but I now feel very guilty, just as I did when she said she’d cried. I know she’s trying to manipulate me, I know she’s attention seeking, but I still feel guilty.

Incidentally my sister does nothing for mum except phone her, and appears to not feel guilty at all. That irritates me. I know it shouldn’t because sister doesn’t live near here, but it still does, in particular, because my mum won’t mention my name to my sister if I’m there. Sister phoned mum yesterday whilst I was there and mum said ‘somebody’ was tidying her things for her so she’d ring back later. It irritated me being called ‘somebody.’

Well done. Enjoy your holiday. ??

We’ll done Maddy your doing great. So pleased for you that your mum has agreed to stay at the home, what a relief for you. She’s still pulling your strings , but I think it’ll settle down eventually. Have a lovely holiday you both deserve it.

Well done Maddyone, small steps! You are probably well up on all of this, but have you claimed full Attendance Allowance for your Mother? You can still claim Attendance Allowance if you pay for all your care home costs yourself. This applies in England, I think it is different in Scotland. It certainly helps towards care home costs.

Progress maddy ??

Thank you so much to all who have posted, it helps just knowing that other people understand, and also in helping me see what is too much for mum to expect. Katy my mum has decided she wants to stay in the home, so that is a relief to me. Mind you, even yesterday when we visited to speak to the admissions manager really, mum had another request. It was for me to go to BonMarche or M+S to buy two new nighties for her. Oh and to go to the flat and get her grey shoes. I told her I will do both, but not immediately. We told the manager that we have the Power of Attorney but we didn’t get it from the flat yet. They are interested in the money! First question was how much is mum’s flat is worth. I didn’t tell her, instead I told her it’s not relevant as the property is held in a legal trust (in other words it has a charge on it, I think it’s called) and the trustees will pay out almost all the value of the flat to my sister and I. This is how my dad left things in his will. However mum has money in her bank accounts and we told the manager probably enough for a year and a half or maybe two years. Then the LEA will need to pay for mum’s care. I made an appointment to visit mum on Saturday morning. I told mum that that’s what I was doing. I think she was a bit surprised but didn’t say much.
Thank you all for your very kind support.