Three elderly parents

Oh gosh that is so hard for you especially with your DD moving away and being ill yourself.
I had the same thing with my parents for about 8 years. I had moved them to a warden controlled bungalow within walking distance of me as I am only child and previous to that they were a 2 hour drive away.

I was on call 24/7. I took my father to the hospital at 2 in the morning because his catheter had come out, I visited my mum every day for 6 weeks when she broke her hip, in fact visiting them both in two different hospitals in the same day.

I cancelled many holidays and weekends away at the last minute so it was a relief when they went into care.
My mother had severe dementia and didn't know me and my father was immobile but sharp as a button.

I found I had to limit my visits to three times a week as the strain was too much. My dad then died and I was diagnosed with breast cancer, fortunately my mother was totally unaware by this time to with Covid and treatment I only saw her about once a month. I was there for her 100th birthday there.

I feel your pain but as others have said - now your mother is in care limit your visits. It will help her to settle quicker and give relief to you. As your DH's brothers are coping with his parents I think you must distance yourselves for a while but also keeping in touch.
You cannot be all things to all men!!

What sort of things are you getting for your mother? What are you fetching and carrying?
Must it be you,
I also think once a week is enough.
Look after yourself a bit more.

Thank you so much Blossoming, it is indeed a difficult situation. I think made worse for me because during the last six months I’ve been hospitalised myself with a serious dose of Covid and our daughter and family have gone to live and work in New Zealand for two years. I know it’s not very nice to say, but I feel as if we’ve swopped our beloved grandchildren, for whom we always did a great deal of childcare, for care of the elderly. All these big events in six months have really made me feel low.

maddyone, we are in the same situation with three elderly parents none of whom live near to us.

My FIL is in hospital at the moment after a fall.His care has been dreadful which has been very stressful and due to the rules around Covid we have only been able to visit once in nine weeks.DH has been allocated a visit tomorrow so we will do the eight hour round trip.We will take a picnic and stop at a National Trust property and will have fish and chips by the sea before coming home.We used to just race there and back but then would be exhausted for days so basically make a day of it now.

My mother was very demanding and probably still would be if we let her but I have had to be firm about what we can do.I was getting stressed with trying to be all things to all people so we have tried to rethink our expectations and said what we can and can’t do.

We try to take at least a day preferably two a week to ourselves.It was hard to begin with but I feel so much better mentally and physically.My DH is more like yours and very laid back about everything.

We have booked a few weekends away as in this season of life we find being away for a week just causes stress worrying about them all.

It is stressful and it is a strain but you will be able to look back and know you did everything you could for your mum.With your in laws they have your husbands brothers looking out for them.We used to feel guilty that we weren’t there as often for my in laws but now take the view that so long as we go down when we can and so long as they have someone caring for them then that’s ok and ok is fine.

Take time for yourself and try not to feel guilty about what you can’t do and be proud of what you do ?

Maddyone stop visiting your Mother so often, if you are now, once a week should do. She should only need minimal fetching and carrying, I assume the majority of her needs are met in the home.
I think you and your DH need a meeting with your BIL’s to agree moving forward, sounds to me like your in laws need a care home, or at least regular carer visits.
None of you will be fit to help at if you get poorly, that includes mental exhaustion. Sometimes you need to stop, re evaluate and even say no. I wish you well.

So sorry Maddyone, it is such a difficult situation.