Would you willingly go into a care home .

I have to say that although it was very hard to get my mother to
change out of dirty clothes, or shower and wash her (smelly!) hair at home, once in the care home she was invariably nicely dressed, with nice clean hair.
They managed it somehow - I never saw any of the residents looking unkempt.

The one exception was when I found my mother in her usual trousers and jumper - only with a nightie under the jumper and coming down to her knees! Staff were very apologetic, told me she’d firmly refused help. Which didn’t surprise me at all - she was certainly prone to very stroppy episodes.

Unfortunately the reality is far different from just refusing to go on. My dad is in a care home and we were horrified at having to put him in but if you have dementia and are physically frail, no amount of Carers coming in will help enough. That’s the reality. My dad had carers coming out of his ears and still fell on four separate occasions between visits. Still burnt his food. Still fell prey to scammers.

What I will say though is that even though he is on the ritz of care homes it’s still a care home and he is utterly miserable even though it’s like living in a hotel.

Shandy57

I was listening to Radio 4 yesterday Daisymae - it was about continence in people with dementia. It seems that using 'pads' is now very commonplace, and even if people are still able to ask to go to the toilet, they are forced to wear these pads. The pads are so big they have to wear a gown. One girl was so terribly upset her Mum had been left with a pad on, without underwear, in a room with the door open, she said her Mum was a proud and clever woman and they had taken her dignity away.

I visited my mum in her care home several times a week, fairly random times, and never once saw her not fully dressed and sitting in a chair. They might not have been her own clothes as mum was fond of going into other rooms and helping herself to items of clothing she liked the look of! Towards the end she was incontinent but still wore trousers, the pads were tucked inside her knickers. I did buy her elasticated waist trousers to make it easier for the carers to change the pads.

So not all care homes are like those mentioned in the radio programmes thank goodness.

I'm glad Shinamae, for your residents and for you. I'm not sure which area the study was in, I know you are in the SW. I'll find the link for you if you want to have a listen.

Shandy57

I was listening to Radio 4 yesterday Daisymae - it was about continence in people with dementia. It seems that using 'pads' is now very commonplace, and even if people are still able to ask to go to the toilet, they are forced to wear these pads. The pads are so big they have to wear a gown. One girl was so terribly upset her Mum had been left with a pad on, without underwear, in a room with the door open, she said her Mum was a proud and clever woman and they had taken her dignity away.

I can assure you that does not happen in my care home. The only people who wear pads are people who are incontinent the other residents are encouraged to use the toilet…

When my uncle went into a care home, not that willingly. initially, but as soon he learned his way round, he would tell me that he should have moved into care when his wife dies.

He was really happy there

I was listening to Radio 4 yesterday Daisymae - it was about continence in people with dementia. It seems that using 'pads' is now very commonplace, and even if people are still able to ask to go to the toilet, they are forced to wear these pads. The pads are so big they have to wear a gown. One girl was so terribly upset her Mum had been left with a pad on, without underwear, in a room with the door open, she said her Mum was a proud and clever woman and they had taken her dignity away.

MissAdventure

I'm convinced that living in a care home must mean far better general care - hydration, skin viability checks, medication given at the correct time, and regular food must result in people living longer.

Well that would depend on the home. It can also mean missed meds, left in urine soaked bedding and bedsores.

My aunt is 85 and has just phoned, she saw someone at church that lives in Abbeyfield, a place I've been recommending to her. She has relied on her neighbour for some years now, and as her neighbour has just lost her father, I think she is worried her neighbour will move.

She said 'I asked her if it was a care home' - and the person reassured her it wasn't.

I hadn't realised, even with my description directly from the website, she hadn't understood it was 'assisted living'.

The home which cares for my ex husband, now with advanced dementia and concomitant physical issues, has released his second wife, and our children from the constant work and worry his condition has caused over the years. Thank heaven for the staff who enable them to visit, and spend time with him without worrying endlessly about his well being.

I'm convinced that living in a care home must mean far better general care - hydration, skin viability checks, medication given at the correct time, and regular food must result in people living longer.

Is it necessarily shorter?
Not necessarily shorter at all in a care home.

Surely someone with dementia, in a warm environment where they are being looked after, medical problems attended to, has a better chance of living longer than being left at home, possibly falling, burning themselves, not realising they are getting colder and colder, not eating properly, even with carers going in two or three times a day? The carers can do their best but they are under pressure ad aren't there all the time.

Even without dementia, some elderly people will self-neglect.

M0nica

Well, of course life expectancy in Care Homes is shorter. Most of the residents either have dementia or have physical frailties that mean they cannot manage at home alone

A dear friend died suddenly recently, not long after her DH had been diagnosed with mild dementia, but he was, and had always been very psychologically dependent on his wife. His dementia has gone over a cliff edge since his wife died.

His son was describing what had happened and that they were now looking for a care home. DH's first comment, was, even though our friend is only in his mid 70s, 'He will not last long'. This was not a reference to the care home, but how completely all at sea without a paddle our friend is, without his wife.

Is it necessarily shorter?
I’m convinced that it was largely because of the very good care she received that my mother made it to 97, having entered the care home at 89, with already moderate dementia, to the extent that she could not longer even make herself a cup of tea.

TBH, though, give the pitiful state she was in for her last few years, a swifter end would IMO have been more merciful. But staying at home - unless with live-in care ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year - was simply no longer an option.

I might have done before covid but after the debacle that involved the care homes, I'd rather stay home.

Sounds just lovely Anniel!

Last year while in St Lucia, I had a bad fall and was in hospital for three days with suspected cracked skull I stay here in the winters with my unmarried son. After this ( my third fall) the children and I thought it was no longer possible for me to live alone in London where I have no family. Son and I went to London and packed all my possessions and they ard en route to the island, where I am now living. I am reasonably well for 88 next week and I feel better here with my two dogs I adopted here. We try to live fairly independent lives. He works about an hour from his home and at night before dinner he unwinds by himself, watches the news and has a glass of wine. The dogs and I go down to dinner and we have a chat the. I take the dogs back, give them their dinner and go to my own quarters to watch TV, read and spend
time reading online and then go to sleep. If I become frail then we will have a nurse ( Caribbean. Nurses are generally good and are helpful) All tnis may not have happened if my husband had been alive, but sadly he died . I have another son in Australia and a daughter in UK but she still works and could not look after me. Luckily, son and I get on well and he goes out quite a lot with his job and has friends over to watch the golf or football. We socialise quite a bit so life is good.

I guess I am very lucky to have children who do care so the other two are coming here for a visit at Christmas and son number 1 is staying for three months. He is retired and widowed. He is an Amazing g photographer and goes all over the island photograhing birds. My daughter will have 2 weeks of complete relaxation and having us all together will be a treat.
I would have gone into a care home if I did not have a son who can have me here. He has a housekeeper and a gardener so apart from shopping we lead a very relaxed life.

Well, of course life expectancy in Care Homes is shorter. Most of the residents either have dementia or have physical frailties that mean they cannot manage at home alone

A dear friend died suddenly recently, not long after her DH had been diagnosed with mild dementia, but he was, and had always been very psychologically dependent on his wife. His dementia has gone over a cliff edge since his wife died.

His son was describing what had happened and that they were now looking for a care home. DH's first comment, was, even though our friend is only in his mid 70s, 'He will not last long'. This was not a reference to the care home, but how completely all at sea without a paddle our friend is, without his wife.

Farzanah, spot on. Being in a care home means a reduced life expectancy - in general. Having said that, of course, the frail are much more likely to be in one. The exception (that proves the rule) was my uncle who spent 32 happy years in one - having absolutely no wish to look after himself or his home!

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancyincarehomesenglandandwales/2011to2012#:~:text=The%20largest%20difference%20in%20life,non-care%20home%20residents%20(22.8

It's only 'deprivation of assets' if you could 'reasonably foresee' that you would need care. People should set up trusts while still young(ish) and healthy, not later, when older with medical needs. They still can do this - and many do.

I think the whole system is just ridiculous and totally unfair. We need to all pay in a lot more during our working lives, with those needing care simply receiving it, free of charge.

Spot on MOnica. Local authorities have been on to this sort of thing for a long time.

Woodlane I am sorry you cannot trust some solicitors and their trusts. If an LA believes that a trust was set up to avoid paying care fees, they will still take the money into account when calculating how much they will contribute, or not, and how much the person will have to contribute to their care.

If setting up a trust was a way of avoiding care fees, do you not think that people would be setting up trusts in their 100, 00s and all the main personal finance gurus would be recommending it?

People aren't, and personal finance gurus aren't. Do you not think there is a reason for that?

My cousin had a dreadful (and expensive) problem with a trust that her parents had set up. She reckoned the only people who had benefited from it were the solicitor and the bank.

No I would not willingly go into a care home - having worked in Social Services I have heard and seen too many horror stories (although some homes are very good)
However the fact is not everyone can be maintained safely at home, even with carers going in, especially if they are inclined to wander out into the streets in the early hours or have poor skin integrity that requires regular pressure area relief. A dense stroke for instance can change everything in the blink of an eye for someone who used to be fit and independent
I am hoping to stay in my own home as long as possible but accept there may come a time when I can't
I would suggest those worried about their childrens' inheritance take legal advice for the various options - there actually are ways, I think, to proect your property and keep it in the family s to speak should you ever need to go into care eg leaving it in trust, deed of gift etc so long as you take steps at a point you could not reasonably have envisaged needing a care home - laws may have changed, it is some time ago now that I worked in the field but worth exploring

As I understand it, any savings in his own name will normally be regarded as his and will be part of the financial assessment, whereas for anything in joint names only half can be used.

Missismac

We had to make this very difficult decision eight months ago. I sincerely believed I would be able to look after my husband for the rest of his life, but hadn’t factored in my own increasing frailty. After caring for him for him at home for eight years following a stroke he suffered, and numerous other health problems, resulting in his very poor mobility, I had to reluctantly admit that he could no longer be looked after safely at home. He was always adamant that he would not go into a care home, but his increasing dementia was the final straw and I had to look for a good local care/nursing home and fortunately found a wonderful one. He now enjoys a better quality of life than I was able to give him - he joins in a variety of activities , goes out on bus trips and receives 24 hour care in a very caring environment. It is horrendously expensive, but once all his savings are used up, I am hoping the local authority will help with that.
Speaking personally, having seen my husband’s care home experience, I wouldn’t hesitate to go into one and would certainly never expect my family to care for me in my dotage. If that means we’re left with no money, then so be it.

Surely they are assets of the marriage and are not just his for them to take them when you are still here and in need of the resources? How can they leave you to run a house with dwindling money?
Surely there should be a disregard?
I don't know but it sounds very wrong.