Partner not dealing well with my father's dementia

TeacherAnne, that's a brilliant suggestion. Yes, OP needs to go and look after her father in his home for at least a fortnight and probably more like a month while his partner has a break. It's impossible to understand what a carer has to do and the limitations on their freedom unless you've been in their shoes. After this OP will have a clear idea of what support her father will need.

Interesting to hear confirmation from others of what council home-care involves in their area. I think anyone expecting a round-the-clock team of carers for £600 a month is in for a shock.

I'm reminded by this conversation of a former neighbour of ours, a retired nurse, who would occasionally disappear for a fortnight to work and would sometimes return looking like a ghost. Those were the fortnights when her agency sent her to look after a 'mildly demented' client who turned out to need 24/7 care and wandered at night. She talked of sleeping on a mattress on the landing so that she could prevent the elderly client from falling down the stairs on her watch after one stint. I think the agency she worked for charged around £1000 pw, not all of which went to her.

MargotLedbetter

TeacherAnne, that's a brilliant suggestion. Yes, OP needs to go and look after her father in his home for at least a fortnight and probably more like a month while his partner has a break. It's impossible to understand what a carer has to do and the limitations on their freedom unless you've been in their shoes. After this OP will have a clear idea of what support her father will need.

Interesting to hear confirmation from others of what council home-care involves in their area. I think anyone expecting a round-the-clock team of carers for £600 a month is in for a shock.

I'm reminded by this conversation of a former neighbour of ours, a retired nurse, who would occasionally disappear for a fortnight to work and would sometimes return looking like a ghost. Those were the fortnights when her agency sent her to look after a 'mildly demented' client who turned out to need 24/7 care and wandered at night. She talked of sleeping on a mattress on the landing so that she could prevent the elderly client from falling down the stairs on her watch after one stint. I think the agency she worked for charged around £1000 pw, not all of which went to her.

I think that figure was quoted in one of my posts, but I didn’t say it was for round the clock care. £600 monthly was for a local authority care package of carers three times a day and a disabled facilities grant supplying range of adaptations - this was supplemented with support from other family members. Once my relative needed more care than could be given at home they moved into a care home at a cost of over £4000 a month - the funding source being the sale of her home.

Baggytrazzas

HI, just a thought - does " common law husband/wife" still have any legal standing? If it does then the partner may very well have some legal rights. As previously mentioned by others, the whole position needs to be run past experts before any decisions are made regarding who is entitled to what and who is responsible for what. The father may also have left a will favouring his partner.

If the father owns the property outright then the whole value will be taken into account, even if there’s a will. No one is forced to sell their property to pay for care, and if his partner wants to stay in the property after he goes into a care home, they can apply for a deferred payment agreement - the LA will place a charge on the property with the land registry so that when it is eventually sold, they can recover the care costs. Most authorities charge a fee for this service and the accruing debt attracts interest, meaning that there will be less in the funding pot for his care than if the property were sold immediately. And if the partner owns her own property the LA may refuse a deferred payment scheme as she would not be made homeless by the sale of the property. A will doesn’t stop the property being sold eventually to cover care costs, even for married couples.

Something else the OP might want to look into is whether her father and his partner have any joint savings above the limit, because 50% of those would be taken into account too - if memory serves, I think they allow a joint figure of £47,000 and then 50% of anything above that would be taken into account. The calculation may have changed as this was a while ago.

My apologies. I don't know if I misunderstood/ misread your post or whether I picked it up from another poster who'd seen your figure and assumed it was for complete care. Thank you for clarifying.

FarNorth

^Since the partner is not next of kin, and the daughter is, I would have thought this was the obvious choice - or would you rather the LPA was awarded to someone who has already said they don’t want to be involved with the fathers’ care ?^

The father has to be in sound enough mind to agree to the LPA so he is also able to decide who will have responsibility for it.
If he wants it to be the partner, it is up to her whether she agrees.

The father can also designate who is next of kin for his health and care. It doesn't have to be an actual relative.

I realise all of that. But an LPA compels the attorney to act in the best interests of the donor. My point was in relation to the fact that the partner has said she does not want to be his carer, and even though he has only recently been diagnosed and hasn’t yet had a formal assessment of his care needs, she has already jumped to the option of full time care for him. That’s in her best interests, not his, so if she currently had his LPA in place she would already be in breach of it.

I’m amazed at the number of posters who are putting the needs of the partner before those of the father, and criticising the OP for advocating for her father who is in a very vulnerable situation.

I’m not criticising the partners’ decision - she obviously recognises that she’s not cut out for what’s ahead, and that’s fine. She’s been honest from the beginning. But that being the case she’s effectively put an end to the relationship as they have known it for the last twenty years and everyone now has to be practical with the focus on a proper assessment of fathers’ care needs. If she isn’t prepared to consider his best interests over her own then she should step back and let the family sort it out.

It now appears because the LPA is still waiting to be granted, no one will take any notice of myself or brother and will only take notice from my father’s partner who has been reluctant to admit she can’t cope and care won’t happen ! Now have to cope with Dad’s partner in melt down and saying she will pack her bags and go which could be for the best. Just hate having to wait until crisis point , partner should of asked for help months ago when I first suggested getting caters in!
Lesson to everyone get a power of attorney in place while you’re still fit

So sad for all involved. including the dad, and his partner, and daughter, and all others.

We should all have a good think about what we want for our future- and for this eventuality, if and when it comes.

I have made my plan. Enough said.

Sometimes it does take some sort of crisis to happen before the situation improves, Awesomegranny. I’ve heard of more than one case where the person has persistently refused carers - wouldn't even let them in, though care was desperately needed, because ‘There’s nothing wrong with me!’

My own mother still honestly believed that there was nothing wrong with her even when she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea.

I do hope the situation improves for you soon - it’s such a stressful and worrying time. ?

I’ve been through this and there’s no tight or wrong way get in touch with a social worker and they may point you in the right direction. Ask for help.