Black DOG 13

Whiff I know it's not guaranteed but a lot of people that go to Tribunal do succeed after being refused. I hope you get it. You certain sound like you should.

Wyllow3 You have been through far more than most people and you're doing well. Keep on keeping on.

How is everyone today? I had one of those nights again - nightmares, waking up soaking wet with sweat (4 nights in the past week now). No idea why. I'm having a "can't be bloody bothered day" today. Unless I have definite plans, I tend to hang about at home and achieve nothing. I'll try to get something arranged for future Wednesdays (now that Son1 has got a car, I'll be redundant on Wednesdays although I'm pleased about that). Hope everyone is ok x

Thankyou Whiff That was kind of you to think of all on BD. Love to you and hope you are OK today.
Wyllow So sorry about your bad night. I do hope you have a nice meet up with your friend today. Night's are the worst. You're just alone with the thoughts and torments in your head.
Thinking of all on BD.

Oh Whiff "Since reading that I don't beat myself up about if I don't achieve what I wanted that day as there is always tomorrow." Yes! Kindness to ourselves!.

Probably one of the key things BD's struggle with.

I had a really really ghastly night, it sort of all hit me emotionally not just in my mind. Frozen with anxiety so Extra meds, got through, and hoping gardener coming and seeing friend will lighten the dark. Reminder to self - I have been through much and survived.

Will pop in again later . On another thread a poster had posted this think it was on a bereavement thread and asked her permission to post it on another thread I was on. But think it can apply here hopefully it does and I haven't upset anyone.

Before bed reminders

1. Whatever you did today was enough

2. However you showed up today was enough.

3. You did your best and your best is good enough.

Since reading that I don't beat myself up about if I don't achieve what I wanted that day as there is always tomorrow.

Thank you Doodle I didn't mind the nurse retiring, it was the 'threat' of discharge. It's not for definite, but they put it on the table as part of review in 6 months. I feel really strongly about this for all patients.

Its like there is a house where you feel safe, that has taken you through the worst of times, then when you don't need it too much you 'could' always drop by in crisis, but need no on going attention, but not wanting the door to be utterly locked.

Probably people feel like that for physical stuff too?

Had a good chat with my sister tho just now.

And will contact the governors and instead of meetings arrange stuff like go back to little craft group/try and make a closer friend or three gradually.

It has made an enormous difference being here. It feels like its OK to have MH stuff. We dont have to have 'normal' responses to things.

SweetpeaSue I'm glad about the biopsy too. I know you need information, but a bad biopsy result wasn't of that sort. I too hope the MRI can pinpoint the cause of the troubles.

Wave HVDY I feel the same about Annie like we could pop by and move stuff or have occasional cuppas. Nice time with SiL.

Ellie Anne its sad but understandable after the warmth of seeing her you feel so low after. I rarely say this, cos people here are aware of anti'd's and its not my business to "recommend" but are you getting medical help? I know I'm grumbling its short on the ground, but it does exist.

Doodle its that exercise machine you happened to mention you had at home now you are back?....

loving waves to Scaredycat and Whiff and to "occasionals" and lurkers here.

Wyllow I can see how you may feel concerned that what happened last time you were discharged may happen again. It is a shame they won’t let you to continue being on a monitored basis because then you’d feel you were able to contact them if need be. We all know resources are limited and demand far outweighs what is available but it must have come as a shock to you when you found out your care worker is retiring.
Change is always a worrying thing. Do you feel you need more help than they are offering? I wish I could offer better support and advice but don’t know what to suggest really other than to say that we are all here for you. It’s not much I know but we do care. I hope you can make a better life for yourself.
HVDY sounds like you and your SIL had a pleasant afternoon and Mr C has had plenty of attention?

I must have had "second sight" for although the meeting was intitally scheduled to review my care after the Abuse and separation from EX - ie total change in my life...

...after a few awkward minutes (it was with psychologist and my own worker, a nurse) they told me that my worker is retiring. This was OK, I like her a lot but could see she was overstretched and not enjoying holidays etc.

But there is no replacement. They explained - and I totally believe - that the team is nurses down, they can't replace them, they are having more and more desperate referrals, and so on.
The offer "on the table" was see the psychologist for 3 months once a month and then "review".

I said, you mean review for discharge don't you. This is becuase in 2017 a psychologist whom had never met me wrote a report that led to my discharge that contained many inaccuracies, and after Discharge I went into a suicidal depression for 2.5 years.

Now this Psychologist is a very different person and does know me reasonably well so my feelings aren't necessarily based in reality........but I have not got over my fears about what happened before. Before, no psychiatrist was involved, and no sign of one here. But I felt my nurse disagreed with the psychologist but wouldn't say so.

I bargained for seeing her for 6 months, not 3 months which gives me a better time frame.

(Remember the private counselling is NOT for long term MH support but for taking over the abuse for 10 sessions)

I CANNOT argue that I need more compared with other patients/users - I don't - I can only speak only on the basis of what I feel works for me after many many years.

I'd even disclosed that I felt I have no one who, if I had to go into hospital, could bring me clothes and so on from home, or visit - that I am physically TOO TIRED to build, post the isolation of abuse, new contacts/friends from Quakers and so on that I am closer to. (Family too far away for that sort of thing and with 4 kids one very disabled, etc etc) After 20 years of MH stuff friends I used to have years ago long disappeared, I used to be very sociable indeed.

What I DO know is that they didn't used to Discharge people until cutbacks - but would leave us users on the books on a very low level to allow for ups and downs.

Its a matter I've even challenged them on, on governors level. The "revolving door" syndrome where someone gets discharged then goes into crisis and has to be re-referred via GP's and we know what the situation is like there atm.

Its a new ideology - "everyone can recover" borne of cutbacks not good medicine, for it you have say diabetes or similar you get monitored not discharged unless there is another crisis.

I went into "cant stop cant rest mode" and have not really had time to "feel it through". its too big. then I got a stupid call from Ex grumbling about this and that and boasting about his and that "on the street". Tresoddit.

I said something at the end to the psychologist worth checking out here.

I said I feel like there is a rug over a hole that could get pulled away any moment. She said lots of people feel that who aren't ill. I said do they?

I know what she is saying I think, that life IS very insecure, we ALL have fears of what might happen - but is the hole of everyone under that rug that fear of falling into suicidal depression again? I'm afraid she is yet another professional who conflates my articulateness and ability to receive my condition to actually coping with it and staying well.

Whiff I love your little knitted characters. You've very skilled at making them. I can't knit or crochet (perhaps I ought to have a go). I hope you manage to get your PIP claim dealt with. Sorry if you've mentioned it before, but what is HPX?

Wyllow3 I hope you get on well with the new counsellor. How did the review go this afternoon? Giving up the governing work is probably for the best. Your own health is important.

Anniebach How are you? How's the bed/furniture situation? I wish we all lived nearby, I'd visit you and help.

SweetpeaSue Glad your biopsy results were ok. I hope you'll get some answers when the MRI results are known. It must be lovely to live near the sea.

ScaredyCat That must have been good, to be able to chat with your son. How's the AF today? A friend of mine has it and she had an ablation (I think that's what it was) earlier this year.

EllieAnne. You must have been frustrated at having to sort out the tv. Will you be able to watch your GD ride another day?

Doodle Glad you enjoyed your break. It's good to get away when possible.

I hope everyone has managed to have a decent day. I met my sister-in-law (widow of a brother). We had a look around a few shops - she bought some clothes for her twin GDs. We had a cream cake and sat outside in the sunshine. We spent about 4 hours together. Son2 came round, with his friend (who loves cats and used to cat-sit for us). Son1 is searching for flats/houses and is going to look at a flat on Friday. Mr C has enjoyed cooked chicken today Love to all. x

Sweetpeasue so pleased your biopsy was ok. One less thing to worry about. Hope you have a pain free night. x

Hello all. Had a good sleep last night. I wonder why we always feel tired when we get back from a break.
HVDY so pleased your son is enjoying his freedom with his car. Wow bet he had a shock being in the M1. Glad he coped well and you all met up for a nice meal together.
You must be so pleased for your son looking at flats and getting his life sorted. Hope Mr C is doing well.
Wyllow after my little break I am certainly in need of so exercise to shift this weight.
I think you are brave to consider giving up the governing work to concentrate on helping yourself. I’m sure this is the right choice. I realise you don’t want to let people down but your own MH needs are important. I’m glad you are booking your own counselling. I do hope it will help. You’ve had a lot to deal with. You sound as though you get great benefit from your Quaker meetings. Hope this continues.
How did your care review meeting go today,
Ellie Anne how nice to just go to see your daughter for a visit. I’m sure she was happy to see you.
Sorry to hear that you’re upset again as soon as you got home.
I’m sure your DGD will love having you to watch her riding another day. Perhaps you can arrange to see your DGS on your own soon now you are back home.
It’s not easy to lose weight when you are not happy in yourself but perhaps the weight loss might help. I know I don’t feel good about myself at the moment I am far too overweight. So easy to comfort eat.
Annie I don’t do metric either. I will do 2 on the machine whatever it’s set to.
Sorry your plants have to go. I’m so sorry you feel so down about the whole bed thing. I’m sure your DD meant well but if she’d spoken to you first perhaps something better could have been arranged. Who is going to help move the bed? I hope it can be arranged in a way that makes life easier for you and Lottie and Rosie. Wish you could get outside too.
It was lovely to see the sea again. I was thinking of you while I was watching the waves. Wish you could have been there too.
Scaredycat yes the noisy neighbours were fine the following night (either that or they’d gone home).
We walked quite a lot while we were away. I think being somewhere different was nice but also walking by the beach is so interesting you forget how far you’ve gone. Sorry the AF has been playing up again. Your sit in the sunshine chatting to your son sounds nice. What a lovely way to catch up.
Your DH sounds active too. Going to the gym. I certainly need to be more energetic.
Sweetpeasue you are lucky living so close to the sea. There is something so special about walking on the beach. Yes we had a lovely time thank you.
Who is your appointment with in November? Is this a new consultant? I’m sure the results of the MRI are fine but of course that doesn’t give you an answer to your problems.
Hope something is done for you soon.
I too have noticed far more Halloween stuff about this year than before. Some being quite scary as you say. There was nothing like that about when I was young.
Whiff lovely to hear you’re feeling better. Glad your trips haven’t resulted in injury, . Just try not to bounce too much on the bed that you somersault off into the wardrobe ?
DH is very unsteady on his feet too.
So pleased the pain levels are ok now
I love craft too. Not any good at it but will try anything. Stone painting, crochet, knitting. Quilting is a favorite also dabble (badly) in watercolour. Your craft group sounds fun. Lots of people doing different things.
Love the little things in the photo. Not surprised you couldn’t resist them. Your grandsons will love them.
Hope the EGC and bloods are ok. You sound a lot happier having moved to somewhere new. Hope it’s a good place for you.

Whiff----CREATE not relate.

Scaredycat That was lovely to have a chat with your son out on your walk. Can't technology be wonderful at times? Walks can be so good for our MH. I think I often underestimated them earlier in life. I'm a bit of a loner really so I like to walk where there aren't lots of people but you can meet some lovely people walking too. I'm sorry about that dratted AF. Hope it's behaved itself today.
EllieAnn The Lake District is beautiful isn't it with all the trees changing colour? Well done for sorting the TV! Not the best homecoming for sure. Will you be able to see your GDs riding on another Sunday? That must have been such a disappointment for you when you'd arranged to see her together. I'm so sorry you feel as if you're back 'into it' after your break away. I'm sure your daughter has appreciated you being with her.
Doodle Hope your batteries are being recharged a bit today and you had a decent night's rest last night. It's good to get away from the same routines at home and be somewhere different. That beach looked so lovely. I hope you've both been OK health wise.
Wyllow 3 You weren't looking forward to your meeting but I hope that went well enough and you managed to say what you wanted to. While I was waiting for counselling I was let down too. The 'bar' was moved a couple of times and the wait just got longer and longer. Its a shame you've had to get some private help but at least you've got something definite lined up now, albeit zoom. You deserve a break - - in fact you deserve a lot of breaks! I wish you all the best - - as Annie said, time for you to fly.
Whiff I know you've said before how much moving changed your life, in such good ways. I hope you've not had any more wobbles and have not had any bad pain today. It's wonderful how you can manage the cross-stitch with your shaky hands but quite amazing. You've produced some beautiful and intricate work. I know you're also able to relate your own designs too - - that's so clever, I don't know how you do that. Do hope you hear from the tribunal some good news. You've been dealt some hard unfair blows. You're an inspirational lady.
Annie I do hope it won't be long before you can get your bed in situ. Have you managed to place your plants in new areas and also been able to keep your favourites? I wonder if it's possible, as Whiff has suggested, that you can have any zoom craft sessions. That would be something to look forward to. Have you got David down for the Rugby that's been on TV lately? I wish you could get over that steel thing at the base of your doors. Having the doors done was supposed to be the solution to you being able to get out, even if it's just into your garden. Grrr.
HVDY Hope you've had a decent day today and Mr Cooper is still in good spirits and appetite is healthy. No reason why it shouldn't be with his good cooked meals!

Sorry if I've missed anyone. Hope you're OK Violetsky, Joce and Nanny.
I've not had a bad day today. Oh and I've heard my biopsy was OK too. Consultant is going to check on MRI report too though I'm not expecting to hear about that until about November. Gut has been a bit funny but could be lot worse so not complaining.
Love to all on BD. X

I drove back home today. I was determined to try to make things better at home.The scenery from the M6 through the Lake District was wonderful and the autumn colours beautiful. BUT…. Just in the door and was informed the tv not working. Doesn’t know what he did. Did he phone virgin? No. So I fiddled about with it and got it working. Then he tells me he went to watch gd at her riding on Sunday. We’d said we would go together but of course I wasn’t there on Sunday. Now I feel weepy and angry. I wish I hadn’t come home but daughter working rest of week.

Just lost my whole post??? start again.
SweetPeaSue- Pansies are all ok thank you- Cayenne Ppper has done the trick so far.
November will soon be here for you but the uncertainty must be so hard to deal with, I don’t even cope very well when someone says they will ring back- it’s torture to wait.
I wish we lived so near the sea - I,m glad you can get there easily it really is wonderful therapy.xx
Whiff- good to hear that you are feeling better mentally and seeing the funny side of things- so brave when you have so much to contend with. I love those little people in your photo the children must love them too. Your Craft group sounds such a lovely thing to be part of. Being able to see each other’s work and share is so sociable as well. I,m useless at crafting but I belong to a photography group and also Life drawing group which I really love.
Wyllow- We keep putting off tidying the garden - and it’s very small. Really should take advantage of this beautiful weather.
Do hope your gastro can help you also the counselling sessions will hopefully help too. I,m glad you are able to have them.
You are not letting anyone down - just for once you are doing something for yourself and your well-being. Be proud of what you have achieved and look forward to a new chapter of your life- like in Annie’s quotation it’s time for you to fly!!!
Doodle- glad you are home safexx
Annie- hope you are ok today and have managed to save your favourite plants.x

After a not so good AF day yesterday I,ve just been for a walk in glorious sunshine. Half way round my son FaceTimed me so I sat on somebody’s wall and we had a lovely chat. So good to have him there in the sunshine with me. DH was at gym so I always walk then.
Violet Sky,EllieAnne,Joce,HVDY,and everyone else hope you are doing ok. Love To All.

Good luck Wyllow hugs x

Have my Care Review appointment at 3pm. I’m always nervous (after one awful experience a while ago) they will say ‘oh you are well enough to reduce care/ stay on books but no worker/ even the dreaded Discharge. V unlikely Black dog friends but always lurks.

Just got home. Very tired. Will catch up tomorrow with everyone. Sleep well all x

Annie that is the sweetest thing ever said to me on a board, bless xx

More and more of our lives coming out Whiff good to share.

Anniebach I am envious of you being able to keep plants alive indoors. I only have to look at a house plant and it dies. Sorry you can't get over the door frame with your wheelchair. It's common sense you would need a ramp over the frame but common sense seems in short supply where councils are concerned.

I loved knitting but never clever enough to design my own. But had to give up as I couldn't co ordinate the needles together. But my cross stitch I love in fact I am addicted to it.

Wonder if there is a zoom craft group you could join. Not the same as being in the same room but you could still see people and chat. I will ask my craft group if they know of any and let you know.

Wyllow be proud you got those qualifications in the first place. You are a clever woman own it. Working for 9 years using those qualifications is more than I ever achieved. I trained as chef but called myself a cook as chef is so pompous but only did it for 3 years before the pain stopped me working the long hours. So worked as a cleaner instead less hours and easier work.

Glad you will be able to have the 10 zooms sessions with a counsellor you already know she will help you.

Saying no to things is hard but you have to do what's best for you. Time to put your wants and needs first. I know how hard it is to do that . After my husband died had both parents and mother in law who needed me so no matter how ill I felt or how much pain I was in I put them first. It was only after my mom died in 2017 I could finally put myself first. But it wasn't until I moved home in 2019 that I found me again . Moving freed me off the old me. People got to know me and not all my labels and found they liked me . Plus moving meant I got access to better health care. Hence finally getting my neurological diagnosis and I was born with it plus born with a hole in my heart but at least it's not in the connections between the chambers. Knowing I have HPX and PAF it's bittersweet. Glad I know what's wrong but my husband didn't live long enough for me to tell him. But that's life.

Wyllow

Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over ,

She began to fly. ? x

I'm feeling angry you can't even get over the metal at your doorway Annie for a wee bit of fresh air when you fancy and you are so isolated. I hope your carer is a lovely person and gives you a hug if permitted.

No wonder you feel sad, and not able to do the crafts you used to either. I really hope that you can have your family visiting very soon.

Whiff, I can well believe the form that you dissected for errors was, as it was.
The assessors are not trained adequately and dont seem to care when you talk to them and it is gruelling. It sounds to me like you stand a good chance on review, but also acknowledge the utter frustration at the backlog. I hope you feel really more supported this time. So many more people applying, staff cut back, as per nearly everything sadly (and angrily she says thinking politically for a mo). Worth the wait, every little helps xx

I had a big shock making enquiries as to the beginning of counselling. I got a completely different answer from the last time unfortunately it was a verbal not written commitment on the phone 3 weeks ago. this time I got that they are still triaging - this is now 7 months.

So took a deep breath - and contacted an ex NHS relationship counsellor I first saw in 2007 who is now private. doubted I could afford it even if she had spaces. Wrote her very brief summary. Had a reply back - she is just about affordable for me if its 10 sessions. (Thank you PIP you might say) so going with it, it will be Zoom as too far to drive for a 50 mins session in completely strange place.

Gulp but realised I hd to do it because the panic the Voluntary counselling changing the ball game and indefinite waits just floored me in frozen fear for an hour.
Gulp facing up to it all the last 9 months and the 11years before when I thought I was with basically a different person...

Definitely will have to find a way of saying, "I just cant be a governor anymore" chickening out today, hoping my Care Review tomorrow will "Advise me" so I can say that to Governors.

I am letting them down badly

.... and its basically saying goodbye to being that person I always wanted to be of "making things better" for others and be recognised as such.

Instead of my life where I have achieved several qualifications - but never been able to use them in society, aways drawn back at the responsibility. In total I only worked in professional work for 9 years in my whole life.

Hi all x

Whiff lovely to hear from you and to know you are in a good
place mentally. My cross stitching helps me so much, difficult with twisted hands but will not give it up. I use to design, make
and sell knitwear in craft markets, loved it.

I have an electric wheelchair but even though the council fitted new doors I still need help to get the wheelchair over the metal
frame of the doors.

There is a day centre in the town but it would mean crossing the bridge and I cannot / will not go near it. I have a lovely carer who comes for an hour every morning so I do have a chat
then. Do take care walking x

Wyllow hope tomorrow goes well for you x

I am rather sad today, have to decide which plants in my indoor garden has to go, hope to keep three.

How is everyone?

Wyllow hopefully you got the help you need with your gastroenterologist.

It's hard getting the help you need if the service you need doen't work certain days. Good luck with your Care review tomorrow.

My PIP decision and MRN decision were rejected so with the help of The Brain Charity and the solicitor they use we are going to have too go to a tribunal which could be months away as apparently the tribunals are over run with cases at the moment. Waited 34 years few more months is nothing.

My assessment was via phone and knew she hadn't listened to me. As my solicitor asked me to get a copy of the assessment. It was 23 pages long and the only page without errors was the last page she signed and put how long it took her to do the report 38 mins. The assessment took hour and 46 minutes.

I marked every error and wrote a long email to my solicitor before posting off a copy to her.

What makes me laugh is the adverts from the government telling people to go too there website to see what help they can get .

Very sunny here today but very windy. I keep forgetting I don't live far from the sea . Only moved here 3 years ago after being landlocked since birth.

I enjoyed your catch up Whiff and of course you allude to that which we miss most, or a least the cuddles and touch. I love your little knitted beings.

I'm glad are getting help with he dread PIP form! and if you get an in person interview take LOTS of advice before you go.

I needed gastroenterologist advice yesterday been putting off bowel stuff but Doc sis and husband were in that trade exactly so got advice from them and what to ask for.

I've emailed the counselling people, I do not think they work today but hope to get some kind of "how long" answer before my Care Review tomorrow afternoon.

Beautiful sunny day now and I have swept up leaves outside, mown front verge, and tidied garage, gardener comes Wednesday (its a big garden, and blessed to be able to pay for help, my she has a lot to do).