Black DOG 13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thinking you feel like dying or not wanting to
live is very very different from active suicidal ideation.

Never to confuse the two.

Very very (very) many people at some point in their lives feel the former. It's within the normal. They just don't talk about it.

It's just very scary to feel it for the first time(s) and know know how to cope with the feelings and thoughts. (she said with benefit of therapy)

But it is a message "go seek help to cope".

Sweetpeasue please don't ever think you will be better off dead. You have been through so much. You do have more strength and courage than you think. No matter how low you feel life is worth living the good ,bad and down right awful. But it's life and that is precious.

A good friend of mine had a friend who she hadn't seen for 5 years committ suicide 2 weeks ago by jumping off a block of flats. No letter to say why. She had 2 policemen turn up on her door step as they tracked her down via his hospital records where he had put her down as next of kin. Why he did that she has no idea. Because of his selfishness she feels compelled to organise his funeral. She hasn't got to pay as the council will take what money he had got and put the rest.

She has been in pieces trying to organise everything. I told her she should have just let the council do it. But even though they parted on bad terms she feels she has to.

My husband didn't want to die but it wasn't his choice. He fought until his last breath to live. I had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do and that's to tell him to stop and that we would be ok. He died a few minutes later.

Unless you are dieing in agony then you fight everyday to live. You can find joy in the smallest thing . A flower,cloud or even bird song. If you think about it you can find something. And you do that every day and the days turn to weeks and months.

Dear Sweetpeasue

This too will pass. Know the feelings of not being there. Panic in supermarket at times But please seek out support? IME understanding the "why's" of how you feel helps. Knowledge - IS power.

Guess I must be emotionally worn out. 2 yrs is a LONG time and I've no resources left. So sorry.

I really feel like I'm having a breakdown. I'm just not right, I can't stop crying. I really feel I'd be better off dead and its not coming from self pit I assure you. Please ignore me. I feel so raw.

Hey all, hoping fir a restful weekend, cold and chesty cough I haven't been able to kick for 11 days and just exhausted.

Git some training next week I am very anxious about as I'm the only one doing it and won't know anyone there.

Shake the depression for a bit and the anxiety kicks in, swings and roundabouts lol

Hope you all have a lovely weekend

EllieAnne- so pleased that you have the choir- such a lovely positive thing to do preparing for Christmas. I expect the choir members are nice people who you feel comfortable with and it lightens your heart when you all sing together.
Whiff- I,m glad you are feeling helped here- it helps me too.
Yes people in the NW are very friendly. I lived there for a couple of years and the people in our street couldn’t have been nicer. Glad you didn’t hurt yourself too much and they were there to help you.
What do you do at the Craft Group? I used to go to Life Drawing classes and now do,it via What’s App -it feels good to be absorbed for a while doesn’t it.
Confession- I bought 2 tins of the Xmas sweets !!
Allsorts- you sound a very kind and positive person. Keeping busy and getting out helps me too when I feel down.
Wyllow3- glad you,re going to be ok to go tomorrow.Have a lovely family time- such precious times.
SweetPeaSue- I agree that the NE is friendly too- we have family who live there and whenever we have been up there. everyone seems to get on so well together. Glad the sun is shining on you too.
Annie- you worked your magic on your Grandaughters . They obviously love each other very much even though at times they drive each other mad.
Today we went to a beautiful but not very old Cathedral . I lit a candle and said a little prayer for you and all BDG- then kept walking!!!
We are now staying in a small fishing port for a week so the sea is literally on the doorstep. Lots of walking hopefully.
Sending a salty hug!!
HVDY- enjoy your evening with your GD. I expect you enjoy getting in the things they like to eat. I still do that and 2 of our Grandchildren are in their 30,s!!! You too still have the sun - we must make the best of it at this time of year.
Doodle- hope you have had a good day todayx
Love to all BDG

That's really kind of you Doodle to take time to re-post. Thank you, I've not tried mindfulness, but I believe you could be right about my mind needing to rest. It's been so long now that I don't know when my mind has rested. Hope you're OK Doodle.

sweetpeasue your last post must have come in as I was typing. My DH has days like that (not the crying but the rest of it) he describes it as being discombobulated. Not quite aware of what’s going on. Your emotions are obviously very high st the moment. Lots going on in your mind. Do you practice (or have you tried) mindfulness. To be honest I don’t think it helps me but I know others who swear by it. You sound as though you need your mind to have a bit of a rest. Take care. x

Sorry Wyllow hope you are well rested for your trip. Glad your neck is feeling better.Do you have far to go? I bet you can’t wait to see them. Being kind to yourself is sometimes difficult to do. I’m glad your are having a rest today before your trip. Sometimes a form of acceptance helps us come to terms with things we cannot change. Hope you have a lovely time with your family.
Sweetpeasue hope you’ve had a better day today. I agree a little chat with people we meet during the day can help a lot.
Ellie Anne no one here thinks you are moaning. Don’t trivialise what is a real problem for you. Hopefully we all have some good stuff in our lives but we still have anxieties, depression as well. I’m glad you enjoy the choir. It must be lovely especially at Christmas. I find singing lifts the spirits but (fortunately for others) I only sing to myself. ?
Whiff sometimes telling others, who don’t know you in real life, can be helpful as you don’t have to worry about upsetting them. It can help to just say how you feel for once. I’m glad you are feeling a bit better.
Sorry you got hurt yesterday. People can be kind can’t they.
A craft group is a good thing to get involved in. Do you meet often?
Allsorts what a considerate and helpful post. Thank you. It’s good you feel you can pick yourself up. You sound as though you have a good grasp on what you need to do to keep going.
Annie I’m so sorry you are unhappy. Apart from your DGC there doesn’t seem to be much joy in your life. How you keep going day to day and helping others is amazing. So glad your girls have made up. That is good news.
HVDY hope you have a good time with your DGDs. They must love coming to visit you. You are such a stable part of their lives. Hope you have a good weekend.
Joce tHinkjng of you too. Hope Coco is keeping you happy.

Wyllow3 So sorry about your relapse. I know someone with your illness and its an awful thing to have.
Hope you feel better soon.
HVDY Hope you have a nice time with your GDs.
Anniebach I'm sad about your situation and how unhappy you are. You have so much loneliness to cope with and grief. I hope your spirits will lift soon and you'll feel a little better. Sending love.

Can't believe how quickly my emotions changed yesterday. By nighttime crying like a baby. Tried this morning to get out with husband for couple of groceries and ended up crying in middle of supermarket making quick exit amid stares from shoppers. I feel so strange. So fragile, almost dead. Felt like a breath of wind would blow me over. Trembling inside. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow.
Got myself into right pickle on a political thread. That'll teach me! Don't know what's the matter with me. I feel very strange like I'm not here. Sorry.

Sending EllieAnne my thoughts, indeed everyone on BD. X

Hi Anniebach
Glad to hear about DGD's. Can you tell me a bit more about yourself, I realise you are in a wheelchair, can you get out with assistance or do you have to be entirely housebound?

HowVeryDareYou enjoy your GD's tonight and overnight.

I was due to drive up to family today, but the week has been exceptionally exhausting CFS wise so its tomorrow and today mostly in bed.
For this bit of my current life's journey "acceptance" is indeed the key, for months I fretted what I couldn't do and pushed myself and it got worse of course (tho in the early months I couldn't avoid it because of ex husband's abuse tho he had left, and I was still trying to help him as he is after all ill as well as bad. I simply cannot rescue anymore.

I am learning to live with it though and giving myself more compassion. Such a lovely sunny day out, one of those when its totally still out, and the world feels as if it's paused on its axis.

Whiff Glad you enjoyed your craft group even though you got wet. There are still some good people around.
SweetPeaSue I hope your new antibiotics are helping.
Anniebach It's good that your GDs are friendly again. How are your little dogs?

everyone on BD I hope you've all had some sunshine where you are. It's sunny and bright here. The GDs are coming this evening, just until tomorrow afternoon, I think, so I've got extra shopping in. x

Hi all x

Ellie Anne the unwritten rule of Black Dog, no apologies for
sharing a positive or sharing a low , it’s great you are involved
with the choir x

When feeling down it’s good to leave the house even if you have that ‘can’t be bothered’ thought. I miss going out to my
garden, haven’t been near a supermarket or shop for 7 years.

I don’t have depression , I am deeply unhappy , and this is
where acceptance is a must, big difference between being
unhappy and self pity.

My granddaughters have hugged and made up, I do worry who
they can turn to when I am no longer here for them, it’s so
important they keep the bond with each other.

For me, how i would love to move back home to my roots, yet
even there is deep sorrow.

So as usual I say keep walking,

How is everyone?

EllieAnne Couldnt agree more with
Wyllow3 - everyone equal here. Take care.
Whiff So pleased your feeling better mentally. Your ability problems must get you down so much. It's so nice when strangers can show a bit of kindness. Reminds us of the good in the world when we hear so much of the bad. Hey-North-east ant so bad either. ?
Allsorts Good of you to drop in and what you say is true about how hard it can be for loved ones of people with clinical depression. I'm sorry about your health problems and they must really get you low at times when you're alone with it all. It's amazing how a little unexpected chat with a stranger can help with that. It must be awful for those who can't get out at all. I'm sure Annie understands this only too well. Good idea about the Silverline Service. Hope you have a decent day yourself. It's sunny here and that can make a difference so hope it's bright where you are.

To everyone on BD hope you have a decent day.

Sweetpeasue that mess up was a long time ago, but led to adhesions that continued but last op in 2016 did a decent job so glad to say it was a memory shared for Whiff as from someone who'd "Been there".
I awoke more refreshed today as it was a horrendously busy week and decided : I'm taking today off for a gentle gym and driving up to family tomorrow instead. And neck has eased!

Dear *Ellie Anne" we are all equal on here no apologies its good to hear of better times! Enjoy the choir.

Whiff how welcome the kindness of strangers is. So glad it helped coming on here. I think you are brave taking the bus.
Glad you made it to crafts group.
(I have one I can go to, its just CFS atm makes me strictly limit "how many things".)
I start with C mas card early so's to pace myself -as soon as the MIND shop gets them in. Lovely ones last year with doves of peace.

Allsorts what a thoughtful and sympathetic post about self management and how you do it and so glad to read the picking up as knowing how to do it - hats off to you and thats what I can do most of the time. Wave from one live-alone to another!

(Can I just pop a word in about depression? there are long waits for NHS or voluntary group counselling:

BUT if you have severe clinical depression - ie suicidal ideations that are constant and not intermittent then NHS Mental Health Services WILL take a referral. Now I know people have had mixed experiences as I have over 20 years myself, but that is where you must try to go. Counselling may not be your first need in such circumstances tho it may be part of treatment.

For those who don't know, if you are inside the MH system you should have a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) allotted to you and you can see them/talk to them, and just as importantly have access to "insider" crisis line support.

enjoy the sun, for those who have it and let's try to let it in for the day.

It's so sad there isn't the help available for those suffering with acute depression. It is difficult for family and friends knowing the right thing to say that won't trigger even worse feelings. It's very draining and I think that's why people around them can't cope and drift off. Without medical intervention clinical depression gets worse. The waiting list to get to see a Councillor is a minimum of 6 months wait but usually much longer. It's good on here people can talk candidly with each other and maybe find a little of the help they need. I have times I get down, I live alone and problems get worse as there's no one to talk to, but luckily I can pick myself up as I get fed up with myself. I know if you are clinically depressed you can't do that. I think for me it's getting out and mixing amongst people that helps, even if I just go for a coffee and pass the time of day with strangers. I have lost sommany close family young and had health issues that kept me housebound for a long period, but somehow focused on the future . With certain health issues many can't even do that and that must be awful. There are help lines to talk to, I know Silverline offer a befriending service and Age Concern, but it is just by phone, usually 1 hour a week, also a lot of churches have a support network.

seastar you have had to go through so much. But others have given you plenty of sensible advice.

I am feeling better mentally thank you all. Talking about how I feel here has helped me more than I can ever thank you for.

Physically my body decided yesterday is another matter. My left leg decided it didn't want to work . So back to the flick it forward to make it move. But it's all part of my HPX. I stumbled on the bus luckily didn't fall down but twist and hit my back on the side of the seat and pole. But 6 people asked if I was alright and a lady took my back pack off for me as I couldn't reach. Life in the north west the people are so different they care more. Years ago I fell on the bus in the West Midlands not one helped me up or even asked if I was ok.

Got soaked going to and front my craft group . But had a good time as usual. Had to put my heating on for a couple of hours.when I got back as I was freezing.

Ellie Anne I started buying Christmas cards and presents 3 weeks ago. To help spread the cost. But have cut right back on number I buy for and amount I spend. Saw Christmas chocolates had appeared in the shops already a long side Halloween things.

Keep safe and warm everyone.

Sorry to bring up the C word but we have a concert in December.
All your problems make me ashamed of my moans.
Tonight I enjoyed choir.
I have a home , children and grandchildren.
Yes my marriage is not good but I’m surviving.

Wyllow3 Only just realised when reading back some posts I hadn't replied to your kind words about bowel problems. Just looked up Peritonitis and it sounds dreadful and can be quite dangerous if not picked up on. You must have been in so much pain. Can't flick back on my phone as I lose what I'm writing but not sure how long ago this was. Either way it would have been terrible if you were alone at that time or with your husband. I'm sure you're right about anxieties making pain worse too.
Hope your neck feels better soon and you have a nice time with family.

Hope its nice and sunny for you tomorrow, doodle.
I'm going up to see family Saturday not tomorrow, tomorrow for r and r. Phone off, emails ignored, etc etc.

HVDY glad the girls are doing well. I can’t help thinking Mr Cooper is well loved and understood. Glad he got his milk and is purring again.
Didn’t walk today as I’ve been with a friend and didn’t want DH to go out on his own but we will be out again tomorrow.
Nice of you to help out with your SIL sounds as though she enjoyed herself. Never heard of Siren Nitro will have to look it up. Sounds alluring and dangerous at the same time ??
Wyllow what a lovely encounter with a tiger. ?
A nice post to Seasalt and helpful. So sorry about your neck and shoulders. I hope it settles down overnight and you can manage your trip to see your family.
Sweepeasue sorry about the sickness with the antibiotics. That happens sometimes. Good job GP has made a not of it so you shouldn’t get it again. You could ask for some anti nausea tablets which might help while you’re taking the medication . Hope you have a better night tonight.
Annie oh dear, sorry your two DGDs are causing you worry. They obviously have different perspectives on what the argument was about. I hope over time you can help them untangle this and they. An make up.
Ellie Anne it’s nice sometimes to sit with a coffe and read whilst watching the world go by. Never know who you’re going to end up chatting with.
I’m glad you have some friends to chat with. I hope you can work round the ones who cause you problems. Christmas songs already ? you should be perfect by Christmas then. ?
Scaredycat anxiety whatever the cause is hard to deal with. Your DD is doing her best not to worry the children. Hope you had another nice day on the beach. Did you have a paddle?
Whiff, Seastar how have you been today?

What warm lovely posts all. I like to read them.

I agree I'm sure Annie you make a difference. It says so much you are trusted by them despite the issues they bring.