Black DOG 13

Wyllow I used to work as a community carer, and I had to drive about all over the place, until 11pm. Only 4 or 5 years ago, but I suppose I'm out of practice now anyway. What a beautiful piece of music, thanks for that.

Whiff That's a sad story. You seem to have got your life sorted, and that's so good. Trying to be positive instead of negative takes practice. I haven't mastered it yet. I need to work on it. You're right about trying to like ourselves. I looked in the mirror yesterday and thought how nice my make-up was, and how few wrinkles I've got. The body - well, I need to lose a lot of weight, and I will, one day.

Doodle Son2 is calling in some time today, to collect a mobile he had delivered here. Not sure if his GF and her daughter will come too. Son1 will possibly call in tomorrow
with his girls, or we might meet them at GD1's rugby match.

SweetpeaSue I think you've been let down appallingly by the NHS. I hope your bowel problem settles down soon.

EllieAnne When we're depressed, it can seem impossible to like ourselves, but you're a good person, a good mum, granny, and friend, and you need to remind yourself of that. Other people outside of your family and friends don't matter.

Anniebach Hope things are going better for you.

Well, I might suggest to my husband that we go out this evening, like we used to do on Saturdays before I was ill. There's a pub we like that has live music. I need to make an effort to get out of this rut of doing nothing. I'll let you know how that goes. Hope all on BD has a decent day. x

What a sad story especially regarding your son. You've done really well to turn things around.

The difficulty for me comes when you just can't see the cloud or flower however hard you try. At those times I know they are there, and am aware other people have access to them, but feel cast out from the light because of internal factors.

I say internal factors, obviously I have far too many triggers atm (ie external factors ), and can even analyse (often with a time lapse) how event A has led to geeing B, I can point to events in the past/childhood which have contributed etc.

But have had to accept a baseline that I will never get fully better, that some MH stuff is an illness I need help to live with, I maybe always will, or on and off, just as if I had diabetes or some other chronic physical condition.

all the same, you are right to remind us to seek out the flowers and the clouds or the autumn colours rather than give up and back away from them.

EllieAnne we can't change the past but we can decide on the present and future. I had to take a hard look at my life and it wasn't pretty. I had been with my husband since 1975 and in all that time I hated his parents. He never liked them but always said he loved them because they were his parents. My parents where the complete opposite of them. You would not believe the things they said and did to us but my husband never gave them up so I didn't. The only good thing about his dad was he adored his grandchildren unfortunately he died in 1988 . His mom took a dislike to our daughter the moment she was born and was all our son until he got his our personality. She got worse after my father in law's death. When my husband died she denied she ever had a son or grandchildren time and time in my hearing soon put people right. But as much as I hated her and she me, she had me down as next of kin. As she knew I would never give up on her. Loved my husband to much to do that and she was our children's nan. 11 years I put up with things that you would not believe until she died.

Why I am telling you this is because when my son sent me that email in 2020 4 days after seeing him on my birthday and had a lovely time with him and the letter 3 months later calling me manipulative and vindictive . Plus other things that never happened. Plus he assumed things about me but doesn't know the truth because he would realise that it's him and his wife who have been vindictive and manipulative but they want to play the victims . He wanted zero contact he's got it . But he knows I love him and my grandson's very much and my door is open . It's his move .

We have to decide will we let others hurt us or not . I will not let my son hurt me anymore than he has but can never forgive him or my daughter in law or ever trust my son ever again . But they are still my family and I never give up on family even if I hate them as I did my in laws.

EllieAnne you are a good person who deserves to love and like yourself. Sorry don't know if you have family and close friends.

I never liked to look at myself in a mirror. So one day I did . And decided I liked my hair even the silver grey bits,mouth was good ,not to many lines . Eyes a nice colour even though I have heavy eyelids. Boobs where ok . Rest needed changing. So lost 7st. No more triple chin . Like the whole of my face now and have excepted all my baggy,flabby skin. Did losing weight make me a different person physically yes but still the same person I have always been .

Have a look in a mirror and you will find all the things you like about your face and body. Don't look for the negatives but the positives .

Don't let people make you feel bad about yourself. You know deep down you really do like yourself and with that realise you love yourself. If you have people who love you then believe them and you will find the love inside you.

I always try and find a positive from a negative not always easy but I managed it. Thursday lost my balance on the kerb and a car was coming but the positive from that was I managed to put my stick on the road and push myself back. I can't tell the speeds of vehicles so have to make sure the road is clear before I cross.

If you feel negative have a look around and outside your window you will find a positive even if it's a cloud or flower. Or the fact the room looks tidy.

Life is hard and doesn't get easier as we get older. But I love the fact no matter how old we get we can still learn new things and do things in a different way a way that works for us. You have to make your world to suit you not you suit the world.

Hope this makes sense.

EllieAnne hugs in the really bad patch for you. Have you got any help/ support? Or does your feeling bad about yourself get in the way of asking?

Ellie Anne I’m not so keen on myself either. So many things I wish I’d not done or things I wish I’d responded to differently.
I think that’s common with a lot of people. We make decisions as we go along but time and experiences change us. Looking back many of us would do things differently. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Please be kinder to yourself. You are worth it.

EllieAnne I am so sorry for your stressful situation. I really feel for you.You put yourself down so much and it touches a raw nerve inside me. I see that you are so hard on yourself. I'm sure you won't believe me but I feel you are wrong to blame yourself.
Sending you caring thoughts. X

Oh I do wish I could love myself. I don’t even like myself. Especially this week. I’m thinking back to people I’ve had problems with in the past and blaming myself for it all.

Yes, crossed posts again. You've addressed so much there, Thankyou. I don't have an IPad so good idea to get one. You might remember a while ago that I was so overwhelmed with choice at Curry's (other retailers available) I left without buying. Decisions scare me. Goodness knows what I think will happen if I make the wrong one, it's pathetic. Yes, the consultant has left me with a lot to think about and a sense of abandonment and confusion. I feel my gut instinct has been right all along but I wanted to trust and be fair minded. I've been messed about so much by medical profession. Some is inexcusable and deliberate, some because they're having to make harsh decisions in these difficult times.

Thinking of all of you. I feel you're all part of my life in a way. Thought we were virtual people at first but it's not like that is it? Wishing all a peaceful night.

Sweetpeasue I think that’s the second night running we’ve had crossed posts. Great minds….🤣
Hope you had a lovely time with your DGS.
I have a small set of earphones I sometimes wear in bed if I want to listen to something without disturbing DH. You could try that.
I know what you mean about boarded up shops. It’s depressing isn’t it. I don’t suit boxy clothes either. Have you thought of looking in Next if they’ve got one near you?
I’m sure the news in the papers and on TV brings us all down. Life seems to be quite miserable and stressful for so many. If I find it’s getting to me I try to avoid the news for a bit or focus on something like a book. I watch a film or series on my iPad while I’m cycling. It makes the time pass quicker.
Meeting your consultant has left you with a lot to think about and as usual the more we ruminate the more things crop up that we start to worry about. Hope you have a good sleep tonight. Think about what you did with your little grandson instead.
Wyllow no not spiffing clean just a bit tidier than it was yesterday 🤣. Floors are vacuumed and washed which always makes me feel better.
Whiff thank you for that. Hope you are doing ok and you too Ellie Anne .
If I wake up in the night I will keep you all company in my mind. x

Thankyou, * Whiff* That's made me think. You've learned some huge lessons. I will think about what you have said.

DoodleOh you have been busy. This weekend I'll be washing my bedding and stuff and definitely want to get a walk in, probs on beach. (enough of run down towns). Should pick up a book I started but didn't get far with it. 'Strictly' will be watched too.
Wyllow 3 So right my not trusting.
EllieAnne Hope you'll be OK this weekend.
Anniebach We all wish you better health and less pain. Hope your virtual ward is not too busy and you get some peace too as well as care.

Just a quick one as I am very tired. Sweetpeasue it took finding out from my gastrologist when he discharged me that people with my bilirubin levels normally die to realise I had to love myself and take better care. And put me first. That was the kick up the pants I needed to change my life.

I would hate anyone to have to face death before they realise you have to love yourself. It's hard to change decades of thinking differently. But it's very freeing weird I know but it's how I felt and still do.

Sweet dreams everyone.

"It's as if the world is changing and there's a whole new set of rules and I don't belong." Indeed, Sweetpeasue, bewilderment sets in, and there's not a road map, and you're not certain about trusting people in power, not as an absolute, but who to which degree....
That new boxy style it great on tall large or thin but not small persons.
Just my opinion, but the Pain Clinic sounds good idea, because if it just goes you more information and perhaps a feeling of control over just one part of your life, its no bad thing x

Your home sounds spiffingly clean, Doodle. Def no cycling needed for "exercise' tonight.

Hope you get to see family at the weekend, HVDY

The star song - I'll have to try it in the night!

I liked the idea of not being alone with those lovely young people there and its gentle. On good days I respond well to music, it's like being with a person. Like a whole range of music.

Anyone else find music helps?

Best wishes to BD absent today xx

Whiff I sleep well unless my mind is busy. It’s not always with bad stuff sometimes it’s just if I’ve had a busy week. Other times my anxieties take hold and I keep ruminating over things then other times it’s the tinnitus orchestra playing in my head. I’m glad you sleep well.
Wyllow I agree with you. When I used to go to work I sometimes had to force myself to keep going no matter how tired I was. Now I do my housework and stuff on the days I feel full of energy and on the days I don’t I sit and read.
I’m glad you slept better last night. It’s funny isn’t it how a new thought can enter and make a difference to our thinking. I’m glad your counsellor was able to give you some more insight.
We need to remember to be kind to ourselves as well as others.
Glad you are safely home now and the panic attack over. Hope you get another good night tonight.
HVDY how have you been today? Got much on for the weekend? We’ve had an “at home” today so I’ve had a mammouth cleaning session. Tired now. Just ironing tomorrow and perhaps some knitting and a walk.
Sweetpeasue hope you have a good weekend too. Are you doing anything?
Annie hope you are ok. x

Whiff I know you're right in much that you've said but self-love is something I've never been able or even felt that I 'should' do. I'm not really sure what it is, tbh. I never meet my own expectations of what I think I should be. I'm glad you sleep better now. It's no wonder you didn't get much sleep before with so many relatives to look after. We just do what we need to do at times like those don't we?
Wyllow3 Glad you got back safely from your driving journey. Like HVDY* I hate driving in the dark with all the headlights coming at you. Thankyou for the link to the song. I admit I wasn't quite sure at first, it felt a little 'spooky' haha. Then I could see how relaxing it might be. I m unable to play anything at night because of our thin adjoining walls though I've had a mad moment or 2 when they've driven me mad. Hope you feel the CFS is a little better. I know all the emotional stuff takes its toll on that.
HVDY Hope you're doing OK and you're not missing your son and granddaughters too much. I know they're not too far away but it must seem a little strange. Will you see them this weekend? I've had my grandson this afternoon after school.
Doodle I did some pedalling today. I think at times lately I'm just zoning out though and sort of wishing it was over. Did you do some walking today? We went to our local main town to M&S. I tried a coat on and it looked ridiculous. I'm only very small and it was a huge boxy shape. DH thought I looked like one of the couple Flannigan and Alan! We had a coffee in a neglected coffee shop staring through a window at the boarded up lrge dept store with a dead pigeon hanging off the board. Bloomin heck Doodle! 😕

So I guess I'm not a happy bunny today. Racing thoughts going through head about why consultant put down in Discharge hospital note a different account of what was removed but told me different. Bowel probs today. Could be because I'm anxious. Think I understand what Wyllow was telling us about funding for discharges and re-referrals. After bleeding a week, 10 dys ago I'm discharged but if it happens again I can ask GP to refer me again. Hmmm. But--I could be a hell of a lot worse - - I know this because I have been. Its just that I KNOW the lies that can be told and I don't understand. It's as if the world is changing and there's a whole new set of rules and I don't belong. The whole 'system' and way of life is cold and I feel lost.

Oh blimey, I've really gone to town tonight. Sorry folks, my words will have to stand cos I can't rewrite, I'm so tired. Hope you'll understand. If I wake tonight I'll think of you all and others who will never know that they are thought of.
Love and hope you all have a peaceful night. X

It wasn't dark, I just suddenly got disorientated but writing it here helped.
Were you always like that HVDY? I hate the dark now but used to hike at night! I'm just so glad you have those as destinations.

I've found us a beautiful night song, if music "speaks to you" this might work at night BD's. Called stars and its from a choir in SA

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wYlXU3QTRY

Wyllow3 It's frightening when that happens. Do you think you got panicked because it was dark out? I realise I'm no longer very confident about driving at night (any time after about 4.30 actually), but I put my music on in the car and sing loudly to it, and it somehow helps. I don't go far, either - to Son1's about 7 miles away
to brother & wife's about 8 miles in the opposite direction
a friend's, not far from Son1

Take it easy.

Had a completely disorientated panic while driving home - decided to go long way round - but OK now tucked up in bed and back online. There are now 4 places I feel safe going to
Sainsbugs
gym
Quakers
MH place
but OTOH count blessings, I do have a car, I can do some gym.

I just think things will be wobbly and weird now for some considerable, time but that's better than BD!

Wyllow lovely to hear you sounding positive. I think we have to hit rock bottom before we can see a way forward and put in place some coping strategies.

You are so right about self care . I always put others first it took having jaundice and finding out I could have died that made me change . Now I do what I want to do not what I have to do. It wasn't easy changing a lifetime of thinking one way . But feel better for it.

We all carry different labels wife,mother,daughter etc. We forget about me. Self love isn't wrong as without it how can you love anyone else.

Take care everyone .

Morning all

I think allowing ourselves sofa/dressing gown days is part of self care Whiff - fighting it does no good.

EllieAnne how are you today?

I slept 9 hours, one wee break, low level depressiveness not full on. How come, I thought? Then realised it was something counsellor said yesterday. As saw both of us for 12 sessions so she knows him a bit. she said in her best judgment despite his controlling and then v low level aggression she saw he did have real love for me there.
Somehow, in the nightmare of this last year, I had come to doubt EVERYTHING, like how could he fool me on love.
So I'm grieving for something that was real not twisted and imagined.

I also thought this morning, look, this is how things are gong to be fore some time. Able to do very little, accept not fight it, allow space for difficult feelings (and don't leave it so long like ti did fro things to reach crisis like I did earlier this week)

Sorry so many of you have trouble sleeping at night. Before I moved to my bungalow 3 years ago I always had trouble getting to and staying asleep. I suppose when we have children we don't sleep deeply enough because we are on the alert in case they need us in the night and I know that became a habit until they moved out permanently. With my husband's cancer had to alert incase he needed me especially when he was terminal and needed morphine in the night Then add both parents and mother in law before my husband died and especially afterwards in case the phone went.

Plus any physical problems we may have it's a wonder anyone sleeps well. I used to call them the night gremlins as those pesky critters used to amplify any worries I had. Still have worries but they don't seem to bother me at night now. No idea why. I sleep well apart from twice nightly visits to the loo. But some days feel tired after my breakfast so unless I have to go out I don't fight the feeling and have a nap on the sofa.

Hope you all had a better night's sleep.

Annie hope you are feeling bit better and knowing you are getting the care you deserve hope you are feeling better in yourself and your pain levels are going down.

EllieAnne Hope you managed to get some sleep last night. I'm thinking of you too. Be gentle on yourself.

Ellie I hope the wine makes you feel a bit mellow and maybe it will help you sleep. Hope you enjoyed the choir.
Hope you sleep better tonight, thinking of you too.

Had a bad night last night so about 4 o clock today I kept dropping off.
Went to choir tonight and am now drinking wine and eating rubbish. Head is a bit woozy but I’m thinking of you all

Annie
I have sent you a PM.