Black Dog 14

Bohemian You are obviously very upset about your behaviour and the way you describe it as a 'dirty secret' shows how ashamed you are feeling and how much it is disturbing you. Where money is concerned, what is 'being careful' to one person may seem stingy to another and some might seem incapable of living within their means at all. You are very unhappy with how you are with money and are able to identify it as a problem that you're not happy with. If you could push yourself to start in small ways to change your habits then it may become easier to change. You do not need to self-loathe yourself in the way you're doing as the past may have made you very afraid of being without. Many years ago I had to live extremely frugally and had cards for saving gas stamps, TV licence stamps and car tax stamps. It can be frightening to 'let go' of the need to keep that safety net to cushion a fall. You know in your mind and heart you are able to pay your way with friends. I think youll feel much better when you start to follow your heart and do so, however small a start. Hope you find any suggestions here are of help.
Whiff Please do feel free to post here. You have been so helpful and supportive to us all. You have been through a lot and your experiences are valued. Grief is indeed a cruel pain-a violent and physical one, Ive found. I'm sorry your mobility has deteriorated these last 3 mths. I hope you're able to keep up your craft sessions with friends.
Doodle You were out early this morning. Glad DH has had his scan now. Crossed fingers you will get results soon. Yes, aunt lives in same village.
HVDY Glad you managed a good night's rest last night. Looks like you'll be taking turns at swapping bedrooms for a while? Snoring is strange in that you would think, from the loudness of the snore, the snorer would wake himself up too. In my experience it doesn't happen. Ive sometimes not been able to resist giving my husband a nudge/--whack--. They only start again just as you're going off to sleep!
Wyllow3 Im not sure what your ex has done re video but it sounds quite nasty. As usual you must protect yourself and not be drawn in. Yyes, his responsibility for his meds etc must be his own.
Joane123 Thankyou and you too.

Am ok today painwise. Very low but am trying not to overthink what the various pains are. Picking up DGS from school later as had few 'normal' dys. Take care everyone.

You too, Joane123.

Scardeycat, thinking of you and sis and BiL.

You are such lovely caring people on here.
May 2023 bring peace, hope and happiness in a small way to you all.

Spanner not spammer.

Phew what an early start, Doodle. May the results offer helpful guidance.
Your words to whiff and Bohemian very apt and kind.
Ex has tried to throw a weird spammer on the works first thing, he set up a new email account with a video I’d taken some time ago and he had- where frankly his behavior was very strange, and also a semi accusing on a past issue. I deleted it.

Now, had it been a request for a few ‘happier days’ photos then a yes, simply done. (I was/am the one who documented special times). But this was frankly bizarre so- no way. ??? His current state of mind/taking his meds - in his hands now. Just don’t want to collect a stalker but I have quite a bit of protection ie I am a safeguarded adult officially.

Whiff Bohemian all are welcome on this thread.
Glad you have accepted Whiff’s apology Bohemian there are some posters on GN who are not genuine but obviously you are not one of them.
Bohemian in some ways your story reminded me a bit of my mother who was raised in real poverty following the death of her mother and breakdown of her father. No shoes, no food etc. My mother never liked being in debt and would never buy anything she couldn’t afford. Always has second hand shoes and didn’t spend much on herself but would give money to anyone who she felt was in need.
I think your early life has affected you and I can see how you got into the position you are now.
Wyllow offers good advice. I would start trying to pay your way from now on. It’s difficult to overcome such ingrained habits but if you try and do so but also forgive yourself for your guilt. You are far from the only person who does this.
Whiff that was a very moving post. I agree with all you have written.
It must have been hard for you with your mother having dementia. My brother did too so I know how hard it is. After he died I started to remember more of what he was like before that dreadful disease and forget the awful ending.
Divorce, separation, loss of dignity, body functions, pets. Grief is loss, despair.
Please do post again Whiff your thoughts were kindly meant.
Sweetpeaue hope you had a good time at the garden centre yesterday and a good nights sleep to follow. Your aunt is lucky that you take her out and spend time with her. Must be nice for her to have your company. Does she live near you as you often seem to take her out?
HVdY mush brighter today here Hope it is with you too.
Went to hospital for DHs scan this morning while it was still dark. Encountered some enormous puddles in the road I was worried we’d get stuck.
I like Vicky McClure. What channel is it on?
Hope your son and his GF got on ok in their chat.
Would your DH see someone about his snoring. I have a friend who had an operation to help with his. Does it help if he doesn’t lie on his back?
Wyllow I seem to remember you saying you wanted to move somewhere that you liked better, more suited to you. In this time when you are still so tired perhaps you could do some research on properties or looking at what’s available. Something to look forward to might lift your spirits,
Hope you can find your yoga classes again.
I have hopes for this treadmill as it’s got a handle that DH can hold on to while walking. Half his problem is that he’s afraid he’ll fall as his balance is so poor now.
Scaredycat hope there is better news of your sister today.
Annie has the TV been fixed yet.

Whiff. A mere misunderstanding. Lets start again

HVDY good to hear of last nights sleep! It felt good to own up to wobbliness last night.

boheminan hope goes well with friends.

Probably too tired for the gym today, but may try and do yoga at home, also have that shower as its been ahem x days. I feel a bit miffed that changes made by Sky have given me a smart TV but also wiped out my 3 yoga sessions - bought, known, and loved in the old "planner" TV feature - but reminded myself I can now get U tube.

bohemian please accept my apology. This is an understanding thread please don't stop posting and getting help you need here because of my thoughtlessness.

I will leave instead so you can get the help you need . I won't post again on here.

Wyllow3 That must have been difficult (and isolating) to live with. You are doing so very well now, though, and getting through things yourself. DH slept on the settee last night. I slept from 11.30 to 7! Son is in the spare bedroom (DH is usually in there) and the other small room now has my dressing table, drawers and clothes rail in (no room for a bed - which we haven't got anyway). It'll be ok, thanks, it's just temporary.

boheminan You're not as frugal as my brother! He's 75. He has got thousands in the bank (he told me "considerably more" than the £23k cap to get help in caring for his wife). He spends very little money. His car is years old but he rarely goes more than 3 miles from home. They're on a water meter, he never has the heating on, and he buys the cheapest food. They don't eat out, never go anywhere (although she's got Alzheimer's but he was like this a few years before that diagnosis). Their mobility is impaired but he won't pay to have their house adapted in any way. He doesn't buy any presents for anyone, other than his wife, for birthdays and Christmas. I think Wyllow has given some sound advice there. Perhaps you could start by getting your friend to book the holiday, tell her you don't mind how much it costs.

Whiff I'm on a few current running threads at the moment, as I have been for the last 8+ years! So, I assure you, yes I do exist but now wish I hadn't opened my heart out on this thread, where I thought there may be some understanding only to be doubted.

Wyllow you have given bohemian good advice. But I my be wrong as I have never seen this poster on any thread before and when I read it twice did wonder if this was a wind up. I hope it is genuine . But my first thought was I wish I had that problem. I wasn't brought up with money and have scrimp and saved to get what I wanted all my life. Still careful with money to this day. Like I said I am probably wrong if so I apologise to bohemian if I have offended you.

But lately there have been to many wind up posts on various threads and people have been hurt. And posts disguised that are really adverts.

Anyway different subject. I read BD everyday and it occured to me after someone mentioned Wyllow as she is feeling at odds after her divorce is now final.

This is just my take on life through my own experiences I am no expert but it's just how I think about things.

Grief is usually only associated by someone dieing. But I think there are different types of grief which can effect people for different reasons.

Grief from a child dieing must be the worst possible thing to go through and greatly admire parents that have opened their hearts to help others going through the same thing.

Grief from the other half of yourself when a spouse or partner dies. If that person is the other half of yourself doesn't matter if you have been together a year or 50 you are never whole again. Not only do you lose the love of your life but your present and future. I know this grief only to well and the grief deepens as the years go by you just learn to cope but for me it's still can overwhelm me. It will be 19 years next month my husband died and I haven't been whole since his last breath.

Grief for elderly parents is still hard as it's your mom and dad. But if they are older and very ill and in pain they want to go. My dad did he hated his own body. Unfortunately dementia killed my mom long before her body died. I grieved for my mom when she was alive and then after her body died. She would have hated what she became as she had never laid a hand on me until the last 4 months of her life and the violence was shocking . But it took me a year after she died to realise the violence was born out of fear . She didn't know where she was was or who I was. She loved her parents very much and thought I was her mom . Not that she ever hurt her mom . And her lucid moments she would say I love you mom and can we cuddle so we did.

Grief from a divorce. Even if the divorce comes about because of abuse ,adultery or the couple just drift apart. Talking to friends who are divorced and them explaining how they feel I have told them they are grieving for the loss of the marriage where it was good or bad. So they have to go through a mourning period as well. Some have said they knew they had second thoughts but still went through and married the person now realise they should have listen to their inner voice.

Grief from lose of health whether it's physical or mental or both . You grieve for the things you could do and the person you where. As physical or mental health pain or both robs you of what you want to do. I know this grieve to well as my mobility and ability to do things even 3 months ago has gone and it annoys the hell out of me and I hate having to ask others for help. I have found ways to do somethings differently but still have to rely on help with other things.

Grief from lose of work and the money and freedom that gave you.

Grief from estrangement. That's a living grief which in my experience I will never understand why this happened to me . My son decided I was no longer wanted or needed as his mom or grandmother to my 3 grandson's. I don't even know the name or met his youngest. People would automatically assume I did something wrong but I didn't . He gave me the sack via email and 3 months later a follow up letter in 2020.

Grief from a loved pet doesn't matter whether it's a cat ,dog or something else. Pets are part of your family and in lot of cases the only family some people have . I have friends who have had to face the death of a much loved dog or cat. In fact I think cats and dogs are more family they give unconditional love and support and don't deliberately hurt they owners . I know dog owners who's dogs can sense if they aren't well or need extra attention. Friends have told me this and have seen it myself with my brother's and sister in law's jack Russell. She knows when my sister in law is in more pain and just lies by her side and doesn't demand play time. She does it with me if she see I am not feeling great she lies on my lap or by my side and I stroke her. I don't have a pet and don't want one. I don't want anyone to be dependant on me anymore. I can see why homes and hospices have animals go in to interact with residents. Why dogs for not only the blind but deaf and disabled whether they disability effects that person physically, mentally or both helps them so much. Especially children with a disability in some cases the dog could be their only friend . I know people who had dogs to help their child and how much it's improved their lives. And in one case the child didn't speak but started to their dog. And gradually talked to their parents and others. Animals can unlock things in children that all the therapists in the world couldn't.

You can grieve for your independence when you have to admit defeat and give up a much loved home and move into some form of residential care. A grief we may have all have to face now or in the future.

Like I said this is just my take on life through my own experiences. I am no expert . Others will probably think I am wrong and what the hell does she know. But I find writing things down declutters my mind and if one thing I have said helps one person it's worth me ramblings on.

I am sorry so many of you are suffering not just mentally but physically as well. And hope you all can feel a bit better very soon.

boheminan I'll have a go by sharing some thoughts - now remember I might be entirely wrong as go course I dont know anything but what you have said, but here goes as possbilities:

Because it happened a long time ago doesn't mean to say it hasn't profoundly affected you all your life, I think you have hit nail on head with the "origins".

What strikes me most of all, is that you feel you have been deceiving others and have been a bad person.

But the only person you have really hurt has been yourself, in denying yourself things and creating a life go guilt in what you have asked of others.

In letting them pay its not been a deception, but an acting out of deep deprivations.

You feel this deep shame but you have done nothing wrong, just acted out from a life lived under the shadow of the past.

Choose the time and the friend but next time, try out, "I'm paying". it won't come easy. And, "I know you've treated me, but its time for me to tell you I could have managed to pay, but wanted to be "Treated".

It will be hard.

But clearly you are not mean - its your compassion that has helped out others in the past. The reason its been people close to you you've wanted them to pay has been just that - thhoer closeness echoes the family you grew up in.

You may have been short of money as a family, but it seems to me it was rather laid on your shoulders as a child, a responsibility instead of a family sharing love in poverty. that however is a big supposition not from what you have said, but rather from a general sense of your relationship to money with those who are close to you now.

As I'm anonymous I hope I can seek your help/advice. I have a dirty secret, one none of my friends/family know of but I need support/help, as it's affecting my life so much.

It's acutely embarrassing for me to explain. Here goes. I cannot spend money on myself. I have money - quite a large amount of savings but I scrimp and save, adding to the savings I can't spend. I buy everything in charity shops, or knocked down sale prices (I'll buy something I don't like if I think it's a bargain). In living memory I haven't bought a new, non-reduced item of clothing. My dear friends fund me when we go out, which leaves me feeling even more miserable because of the dirty secret.

Can this problem stem from a poverty stricken childhood, where there was no money to spare, parents working two jobs and being forever told how poor we were, so no birthday presents, etc. However, that was a long time ago, so maybe I'm making excuses. I want to get out of the pit but don't know how.

I've been trying to book a holiday for myself and my dear friend, and I want to pay for it (she's financially helped me so much) however it's a struggle. I've already got back to the old habit of looking for the cheapest places to stay. I so want to stop living like this but I don't know how to get myself out of the hole. Should I tell my dear friends I've been deceiving them?

There's a strange flip side to this - I will happily and willingly financially help anyone that asks - sometimes to the tune of £100's, without expecting or getting repayment.

Is there anyone out there who can relate to this? or am I the meanest, tightest pensioner on the block...

Just missed you HVDY no they are not new at all, they have come and gone over the last 20 years. Being with Ex meant I could avoid facing them, he took me places, I was dependant:

the good thing is that in the past its been associated with a much much worse level of depression than I have atm and I wouldn't be in spaces like here or be as connected to people in the right places, this being one of them of course x

I'm concerned about your sleeping problems because its going to be some time before you get a second bedroom back for your sleep. Does it always have to be you sleeps on sofa? Have you any other room you can have a "you" space in?

Glad to hear you are having a break in the pain, Sweettpeasue.
Great to be able to do something ordinary. (much under rated blessing!)

My, don't we all long for sun and its light and warmth.

For you and DH to get some fresh air if not a lot of walking Doodle. I'll be hoping so much the treadmill suits. Bit of confidence that walking is still possible, believe me I've seen it at the gym. Weight bearing to keep legs going.

"Have you got some plans with what you want to do with life now?". Day by day for now: but I hope to move to a flat in the place I want, and I want to get energy back to visit family without worrying about coping with its demands: I want to get back small pleasures like looking and being in nature.

Wyllow The feelings of being a lost soul outside of home/gym etc., are they recent feelings? Perhaps due to all the stress you've had?
Doodle The weather has been miserable, hasn't it? Son2 and his GF, her son, and her dog all walked walking in Derbyshire in the rain today (he sent me photos via WhatsApp). Madness .
SweetpeaSue Did you buy anything from the garden centre? Or go for a cup of tea there? Son2 is in the process of buying a house 1/2 a mile from us, but the vendor hasn't yet found a place to move to, so it'll take a while.

I dread going to bed - DH's snoring is unbelievable. I slept on the settee last night, until 5am - but even with all the doors closed, I could hear the snoring in the kitchen . Earplugs don't block it out. Strong alcohol is required, but I've only got lager . Hope everyone has a good night x

Has anyone been watching "Without Sin" - Vicky McClure? It was all filmed in Nottingham, so I'm enjoying seeing places I know.

Scaredycat Thankyou for that update about your dear sister's condition. I hope when she's fully hydrated she will start to pick up and feel easier and less agitated. She will be familiar with the hospital and knowing she has recovered there before will be reassuring. Sending my thoughts and wishes for her soon being well.
Doodle I think the bladder pain I get can get sort of 'awakened' after having a urine infection. Ive tried giving up caffeine before a few times and though it didnt seem to make a big difference thought Id have another try. Its very miserable and cold here too. Sun was out here this morning but now damp.
HVDY Your son will be feeling pretty low bit its good he has friends to talk to and of course yourself. He's lucky in that he has somewhere where he can stay until he finds somewhere of his own. You're bound to feel sad for him though. We can't help it can we.
Wyllow Thank goodness for the support of your Quaker friends and meetings. You'll feel relieved at not having to put a face on this coming week and can take comfort in not having to go anywhere unless you choose to. Sounds like you're feeling very fragile. Sending a warm hug.

Although some pain yesterday morning been fine and slept last night. Good today so taken aunt out to local garden centre. Lazy afternoon reading. Wishing everyone on BD past n present a peaceful night. x

Wet miserable and cold outside today so staying snug in the warm. I hope the treadmill comes soon so we can get some exercise in day like this.
Sweetpeasue do you find coffee and chocolate irritate your stomach? Hope cutting back helps. I’m allergic to tree pollen. Fortunately for me its only twice a year. February and October are my worst times.
Wyllow bound to be a sort of anticlimax now the divorce has gone through and some grief and shock too I imagine. Have you got some plans with what you want to do with life now? I seem to remember you were thinking about moving somewhere. Is this still something you would like to do?
Glad you had a good time at Quakers. Be gentle and kind with yourself you’ve been through a lot.
HvDY glad your son is planning to meet his GF to talk about the future. Be better for them both if they are talking.
Sounds like a busy day for the men in your family. A chat at the pub relaxing after.
Glad you got your lunch out today. Nice not to have to cook for once.
Scaredycat sorry your dear sister is so unwell. You are quite right that dehydration can cause delirium and confusion. Same thing happened to my mum when she was sick for several days. Good to know that she is in a place where she has received good care before. Hope she improves soon.
It is absolutely pelting down here now. So bleak and black outside.
I’m going to sit quietly for a bit and listen to a church service. Take care all

ScaredyCat life can be very cruel, can it not? Love to you and yours, and may she be less confused soon. Is she having treatment for cancer or is it palliative?

HVDY he probably didnt want a busy place, maybe some quiet time not working? A week of dress for you all.
Nice to have a lunch out.

The peace and love in quakers was good - a space to feel safe in: did a brief sesh at the gym, including the 20 mins walking supposed to be doing every day. No energy for shower (Ok, I admit, my insistence on nice body creams etc afterwards that takes the time and bio-oil takes forever to sink in)

But outside those spaces I feel a lost soul really, disjointed, disorientated, everything until reach home feels as if I am 4. However this week is less stressful - no decorators or similar must do's.

ScaredyCat Dehydration can quickly lead to confusion and agitation, particularly in older people. I expect she's on intravenous fluids now, so hopefully, she will begin to feel different soon.

How's everyone's day going? It's been raining nonstop here. DH and I went for a pub lunch, which was good. Son didn't want to go. Apart from fetching his stuff yesterday (he's worked from here every day), he hasn't been out of the house since Tuesday, to his friend's, for a few hours. At least he talks (95% to me).

Hello all.
I spoke with my BiL yesterday and my sister has been moved to a different ward - where they can deal with her better. She has become very agitated and distressed and not making much sense. It is very complicated because of her underlying cancer problems so nothing has been definitively diagnosed yet. My feeling is she has probably had a flu like illness and combined with not eating or drinking has dehydrated to the point of delirium. Somebody with her condition should be very careful with coughs and colds. The hospital she is in will take great care of her I,m sure- she spent many weeks there when she first got ill. Will hear more from BiL soon.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts.
HVDY- glad you’re not going back to that job- you deserve better. So many people would love to have you to help them.
SweetPeaSue- what a lovely time at the beach. Pebbles are some of my favourite things- especially the ones that have white rings or circles on them. I know you shouldn’t but I never leave a beach without one in my pocket.
Doodle - oh Bubbly - how I miss being able to have a drink - another AF downside. What a nice feeling to go to bed on. Hope you slept well. An on/ off switch would be the best wouldn’t it- my mind is bursting at the moment.
Wyllow- an emotional day for you. The end of something you tried so hard at but now new beginnings. I hope you sleep better tonight.
Annie- hope you are ok.
Love to all

Sweetpeasue thank you.

Wyllow3Just read your post. You are in such a very bad place right now, I really am so sorry. You are right in that things do not stay the same. You will not be in this place forever. It will pass. That doesn't help now, I know. You deserve so much more in life than to be so disrespected by ex and I know we make allowances for MH problems--thats only fair and right. I dont know how long it is before you see your counsellor, hope it won't be too long. Your meds will help, I know. For now, know that we are here.

Sounds positive HVDY.