Black Dog 14

Doodle- so sorry you had that awful Whatiffery night. It is the most lonely and desperate feeling in the middle of the night. I react exactly like you- I only have to hear a different inflection in a voice or not receive a text answer and my mind and body react instantly. I shake inside and catastrophise to the point of absurdity.Afterwards like you I promise myself never to do it again. Example this lunchtime my DD knocked on my door unexpectedly - my legs went jellified immediately- she was just checking about our evening later! I always fear the worst - I hate it. I think it’s because the worst has happened in the past.
I hope you and DH have a very Happy Christmas.
Wyllow- glad you have a supportive sister. Sounds like she not only listens but offers good advice too. Does she live near you?
I wish I liked salmon but just can’t get on with it.mAlthough when I was little we always had tinned salmon at Christmas and I remember liking it then.
I will think of you on Xmas Day.
Nadateturbe- I,m sorry you don’t see your Son and Daughter as often as you,d like - it’s hard isn’t it. I haven’t seen my son for 3 years due to Covid and his living abroad but you are right acceptance is the way to cope.
Health Anxiety has wasted much of my time too- wish I could think like myDH who says”worry about it if it happens” .
Enjoy your quiet lunch together.
EllieAnne- glad you will see your Son after all.
I,m sure whatever you have forgotten the girls won’t mind - they’ll be happy to be with you. Enjoy those precious moments.
It must be hurtful to be poorly without some support - I feel for you.
HVDY- Ah so sorry that your Son is feeling unhappy. It can be a difficult time of adjustment waiting for your first baby. I expect his brother will have some good advice for him, Have a good day with your boys on Boxing Day- lovely to be together
SweetPeaSue- I today is being kind to you and wish you and your family a happy day tomorrow.
Annie- what a different Christmas Day it will be for you tomorrow. Wishing you a Happy Day and enjoy the first proper Christmas lunch for quite a while.
Wishing all you lovely friends and BD visitors too a Happy and Peaceful Christmas xxx🎄🎄🎄🎄

8dooel* I thought it was, but he said no, she's very argumentative, tries to control him, is lazy and that he's doing everything around the house (shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc). They should have sorted all this out before thinking of a baby. He'll have to sort things out

I’ve got wet hair too. Hope things work out for your son. Do you think it’s just jitters due to the big change of becoming a father?

Doodle He's talked to me at length, several times, for a couple of weeks now, but I hope things will work out alright.

Just changed the bed, had the washer on, hoovered through all downstairs, mopped the floors, polished, and had a shower and washed my hair. DH has been doing his crosswords, that's it . Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

HVDY just when things were going well. So sorry your son is unhappy. That’s not what you want to hear. I do hope chatting with you can help him. Hope all works out ok.
Ellie Anne so pleased your son is still coming. Sorry you are all feeling so poorly too.
Could you try persuading your h to go to the shops for you?
Hope you feel better soon .
Wyllow hope the gym gives you the boost and contact you need.
Hair wash in a minute. Last few presents to wrap a bit of ironing and Im done.
Lots of anxiety, upset worry and fear across GN today.

Doodle Son2 rang last night - he's very unhappy. DH and I are meeting both sons for a couple of drinks tonight, but it'll only be for a couple of hours. They are coming here on Boxing Day - Son2 with his pregnant GF and her daughter, Son1 with his girls (not yet met his lady but it's her birthday on Boxing Day and she's seeing her parents) Not using the air fryer at all! Buffet on Boxing Day, curry for DH and me tomorrow. Awful about your friend's daughter's baby

Wyllow3 Best of luck with seeing your ex. Hope things don't become difficult

Another salmon and greens fan!
(fish does sit easier on the tum, doesn't it, and so nutritious)

Wyllow3 M&S first choice but no delivery. Salmon and greens are my staple diet. 🙂
Being among others is definitely beneficial.

Ellie Anne dont blame you for not wanting to face the shops today. So good your son is still coming tho its very sad for them. Sorry to hear your poorliness. As for DH - all one can really say, tho its long term, Christmas is particularly difficult,

when the ught to be's" hit harder than usual, and it will soon be over. this is likely hitting DD too with her having MH stuff.

nadateturbe you are right about accepting it. (not seeing the family as much as you'd like). Blest that they are there - and certainly in my case, all as well as can be, not needing my input as essential.
If you are after half decent low cal ready meals, IME its M and S. My "go to" low cal easy meals are my supply of frozen salmon and some greens or carrots - both microwaved!

Slept OK, woke up as ever, as we've all described here, but determined to go the gym. I've got yoga tapes at home, but being amongst others give me the needed oomph. People contact!

Son phoned last night. He sounds as poorly as me. They all have colds too but are still coming. My voice is going though. Saying goodbye to cat was upsetting but right thing to do. She had heart failure and possibly cancer. They have another cat and I wouldn’t be surprised if a kitten appears at some point. I haven’t spoken to dd this week. She can be very critical and I can’t cope with it. Dh doesn’t appear to notice how unwell I am. Hasn’t said a word.
I’ve forgotten one thing for Monday when the girls are coming. I don’t know if I can face the shops today.

Wyllow3 yes, it's hard to accept. But I don't dwell on it. I allow myself to think about it now and again, then just get on with life.
Luckily we managed to get Tesco deliveries of easy food. Although I wouldn't recommend the calorie conscious meals! And we put a pizza in the fridge instead of freezer and had to bin it!
I hope you managed to nod off Wyllow3. I do envy those who get a solid sleep.

Best nights possible all, thinking of you if wakeful!

Wyllow the only people who know all that goes on in a marriage are the couple involved and no one can judge or say you should have left him then or why did you stay. Life is complicated not black or white but so many shades of grey.
I’m sorry you went through such and awful time but hope you can re build your mental and physical strength and make a better life for yourself.
nadateturbe thanks for your posts. Hope you too have a good Christmas your quiet lunch with the TV sounds good.
Take care.

nadateturbe …seeing family less than you could, hard to accept hey? Phew what a week for you both how did you get food in and so on!

...which he knows is there. (Sorry, pressed post by mistake)

Just saw your last post.
As you say Wyllow3 it is up to your husband to access the help*.

Good evening everyone.
Just popping on to say hello. I have been reading your posts and thinking about you all and sympathising with your problems. Life can be very difficult and sad at times.
I would love to see my son and daughter who live in England more, at Christmas, or any time really, but life is what it is. Acceptance is good.
We may visit my other son and DiL for an hour or two if we have the energy. We've both had the virus all week (on top of M.E. for me, great fun!))
I hope your husband is ok Doodle, and thank you for the video of birds singing. It's lovely.
Isn't it awful how our minds work overtime and conjure up all sorts of worst case scenarios? And make us suffer when there was no need.
I've always been anxious about health. From soon after I was married, for some reason. And now I look back and think of all that wasted time worrying about things that didn't happen.

*Wyllow38 I'm wondering how you burn mince pies..
Please remember to put yourself first in your decisions. I was shocked to read what you have been through. CFS is definitely exacerbated by stress, so be kind to yourself, and I hope you don't mind my saying, but my advice is not to exercise until you are tired. The recommendation is to stop before you reach your limit, perhaps you do, but I just thought I would mention it.

I hope you all manage to enjoy Christmas in some way. you are all always in my thoughts and prayers.
You too Annie. So glad you are settled and enjoying company. I hope your lung problem clears soon so you get off the medication.
I'm looking forward to a quiet lunch with my husband(scampi and M&S roulade) and lots of Christmas television. And of course opening our presents.

Doodle, you describe that sort of night full of whatiferries so well. And what it triggers in your body with tinnitus and so on. And wish you hadn't made the text as you "got it wrong" when you probably didnt...

It was good to hear what I said explained more. There is a lot I cant say that would shock you - including things said about women and make anyone say, "why did you not separate right then"...its hitting tonight -I know I sound so contradictory, how could I still feel attached...then I recall something really kind or nice...

but all along for some months there was in my mind "he has MH stuff and could do something really self harming".

That has passed, he is more settled, if he doesn't access the help he has there ready for him it has to be up to him. (sisters point) and so on.

sorry for rambling on, I feel better on days when I get out to gym etc.

Wyllow how lovely to have a sister who supports you. I do hope you manage to rest tonight and get some sleep.

Wyllow glad you’ve got your car back. We rely on them so much.
I know many people who don’t like Christmas. For them the sooner it’s over the better. I used to love it when the kids were small. We’ve had some happy ones and some sad ones. Some years my stomach has churned from Dawn til dusk. I feel sad for those who feel alone whether they are or not and those who are grieving. Very sad tonight for a friends daughter who has just lost a baby. Only a few days old. What can you say.
Hope your Boxing Day meet up if it goes ahead can be an amicable meeting without causing more upset.
Reading your post to Annie really brought home some of your feelings and what you’ve been through. Not surprised it brought on the CFS.
I’m sure GN will be operating as usual at Christmas. . There are always lots who pop in for a natter.
HVdY good luck with your shopping tomorrow. I actually had to go today despite getting an online order. I made a mistake and ordered the wrong thing so had to go to Sainsbugs to buy another small turkey joint. It was pouring with rain and the car park was full but I bagged my bird, got home, cooked it and now hope that’s it for shopping now,
Are you using your air fryer for Christmas?
Sorry you missed son2 but had a nice chat with your friend. Will you be seeing your boys over Christmas.
Sweetpeasue you can say exactly how you feel here always. Sorry about the pain Hope today is a better day. You sound low again is it this Christmas feeling or just the frustration of not getting anywhere in resolving your issues?
Hope you get on ok Christmas Day. Try not to expect too much or think the worst and take it as it comes.
We are going to DS1 with all my DILs family. Fortunately, we get on ok. Can’t wait to see my DGDs.again.
Ellie Anne so sorry you’ve got this awful cold that’s going round. Upsetting news about your sons cat Hope it doesn’t affect your plans as you must be so looking forward to being with them.
Hope you feel better soon and hope they do come.
Scaredycat yes delivery arrived but I’d made a bit of a mistake with the order and had to pop out to Sainsbugs. Cross with myself as I just didn’t read it properly. At least I did remember to put in what I needed unlike your friend. Oh dear,
Glad you got your walk. It was torrential here most of the day so we didn’t venture out. Had a neighbour in for a mince pie and Coffee this afternoon.
“That horrible churning feeling goes hand in had with overthinking”. How right you are. That’s exactly hat happened to me last night. I hardly slept. My mind was in overdrive full of the whatiferies . I sent my son a text yesterday and he didn’t reply. The scenarios of why kept me awake all night. (He often doesn’t reply the same day and I know this but I thought there was something wrong). Stomach churning, tinnitus on full orchestra level.
In the end today I couldn’t stand it and phoned him. It was all in my imagination. He didn’t phone because he was at work and went out last night. Simple explanation but not one that occurred to me in the hours of darkness when anxiety hit its peak. Every time I do this I think. Not again. I do it to myself. I can feel the tension grow. I thought your post today explained it all so clearly.
Purplepixie I hope you have a good Christmas and manage to rest and enjoy it. You are always welcome here,
Annie such a pleasure to see you posting again. We have missed you so much. x

alas, cant rest. Driven by anxiety each night. Will review after Chirstmas and seeing Ex on Monday: sometimes the feeling underneath are too unreachable to understand. My sister is very doubtful about Monday working out well in any way. (she's been with me through it all and a main support, as she actually heard many things Ex said to me).

Wyllow3 That's wise, you know when you need to rest and relax.
EllieAnne It's always hard to say goodbye to a much-loved pet, isn't it, but your son's cat has been cared for and loved (as was my Mr Cooper). I do hope they visit on Christmas Day.
PurplePixie Glad you're going to see your GP after Christmas.
SweetpeaSue DH still hasn't gone shopping yet - I'll go with him, or he won't get the correct things

EllieAnne I didnt see your post. I'm so sorry you have come down with a nasty cold but thank goodness not Covid. Some of my family have had it too. I hope you're wrong about your son and family changing plans. I can understand your worries but it may be quite ok. Take care of yourself. Dont know if you like lemon but lem-sips do a menthol one now too if you're congested. Sending a warm hug. 🙏💐
Scaredycat Its a lot milder here now too. Been to aunt's and took her a little shopping. She'd got mixed up with remotes and lost her TV so DH did that and put batteries in something for her. Shopping out horrible-ooh that was shock for your friend! Hope your AF is calming down a little. Yes it will be good to see my son and my little grandson Christmas Day.. I'm so pleased he has good girlfriend now too. x

Ellie Anne your feelings about Christmas are very understandable. I’m wishing with all my heart that they do come x
Sweetpeasue another glad today has been better painwise, and that on Christmas Day you can enjoy your son.
Scaredycat well done for the get out. It’s true about the fresh air.

I’m pottering actually washing clothes and washing up so achieving. Must ring Sis up for catch up, its been some time.

Doodle- hope your delivery arrived with everything correct.
My friend did an order for Xmas and when it came it only had the 3 things she had put in to secure her slot!!!
My daughter said shopping this morning was horrendous.
Had a very wet walk this afternoon but it is now so mild it was enjoyable. I feel so much better if I walk both mentally and physically.
Wyllow- glad you were able to get to the gym again- I do understand that the familiarity is comfortable for you.
Do hope your rest day helps your tired mind and body- so much for you to process.
HVDY- you must have been so pleased to get that slot- don’t envy your DH with his visit to Asda. Shame to miss your Sons visit but sounds like you were having a good meet up with your friend. Glad you see Son1 later - so lovely to have them popping in like they do.
EllieAnne- Sorry you have a bad cold - so much of it about. My DD ,SiL and GD all have one at the moment. I hope you feel better for Christmas. I,m sure your Son and family will make it for Christmas- today will be hard for them but they will want their little one to have a nice day with you. That horrible churning feeling goes hand in hand with the overthinking- it wears you out doesn’t it. See after yourself.
SweetPeaSue- glad your pain has gone today so you could face the onslaught- well done. Hope you can enjoy Christmas Day - your Son will be glad you can be with him.
PurplePixie- wishing you all the best for Christmas too and hope in the New Year you will be able to get the help you need.
Annie- so good to hear the happiness in your posts- it makes me feel happy too.
Love to all