Black Dog 14

Hello everybody.
Didn’t feel well yesterday- AF was horrible. It was so cold and still icy so we went to a small shopping centre to have a walk. I,d rather be out though than sitting getting more and more anxious. Today all the snow has been washed away and it’s tipping it down- hooray! Can walk again- yes even in the rain. How I miss my old GP who I could talk to when I was frightened. Something nice happened though my son FaceTimed and my daughter was here too so we were together for a while. Enough about me.
Doodle- I,m sorry you have a sore tummy - just as DH was feeling better. You two need a break. Hope it settles soon- a hot water bottle is always good.
Your ironing board tip is really clever - it always makes my back hurt doing the wrapping.
I,d love to see your snowman - is he a knitted one. One of our local churches have been knitting little angels and leaving them around the village to find. Isn’t that a nice idea.
My neighbour came home with only a sling on his arm and should hear more from the Hospital today.
HVDY- nuisance about Aqua Aerobics - I,m sure you,ll find something else nice to do.
Yesterdays Baileys sounded a good idea- I used to love that.
Have a good day.
Purple pixie- I understand why you are nervous about medication but sounds like it might help you at the moment. If you cut yourself you would need to use a plaster so perhaps now it would be a good idea to get some help. I think Wyllow gave you good advice.
SweetPeaSue- you are always so kind to everyone - I hope that you are able to get an appointment this week. Just being able to talk our fears out is so helpful.
My niece is finding it hard to curtail her activities - but she must as she still has other tests and all is not clear yet. My sister is doing her best to help but of course it’s not easy with someone who won’t let go like her daughter.
Wyllow- what a good idea to re kindle an old hobby you enjoyed. It’s so good to have something to do that is as absorbing as that and also fun to do too.
I hope you have a happy lunch with your Ex. I remember when you went last time- so good to have somebody to be with who has known you for a long time. So much shared history.
Annie- thinking of you and missing you too
EllieAnne,Whiff,Joce, and all BD hope the day is kind to youxx

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I do think I need to speak to a GP. I went to a friends this morning as she had invited me over for a cuppa but most of her family were there and I just couldn’t face it so I made an excuse after dropping off the presents and legged it back home. Back to not being understood.

Hello HVDY crossed posts. Shame about the aqua aerobics. It’s raining here as it was all day yesterday so I think that means it’s warmer which is good news. Hope you have a good day.

Morning all. Tummy still a bit iffy. Makes me not feel like doing much but I have to get on. Did most of the wrapping yesterday thank goodness.
Sweetpeasue hope you get your appointment with a Gp.
Thanks Wyllow but the pain (pain is an exaggeration) is not bad just aches when I move. Sitting still I’m ok. I’m sure it’s muscular. It will wear off.
DH is a keen photographer and can spend hours looking at photos. Hope you enjoy putting your photos in frames.
Purplepixie antidepressants can help you get through a rough patch. When you feel better you can cut down. Sometimes we need something to help us through the tough times. I agree with all Wyllow said.
This time of year is emotional for so many. We on here support each other because although our reasons for feeling low or anxious are not the same we can sympathise with others because of our experiences. It may be hard for your DH to understand if he has never suffered in this way. Also trying to cope with someone who is depressed is really difficult too.
Wyllow glad you are looking forward to a nice lunch with your nice Ex. Very helpful post to Purplepixie.
Have a good day all.

Wyllow What a good idea of printing out your photos and framing them yourself. I think mornings are often the worst time for feeling low (it's the worst time of day for me and I think the dark mornings don't help).
SweetpeaSue I hope you're feeling ok today.
Doodle I hope you're feeling better this morning. You had a rough time recently. Take care of yourself.
ScaredyCat, Whiff, EllieAnne, others on BD - hope you're all getting on ok. Anniebach Hope you might be nearer to getting a place in that care home soon.

Aqua Aerobics was cancelled this morning - this time because the boiler is broken, so the pool can't be heated. I might go out later. It's 13 degrees here! Hope everyone manages to have a decent day. x

last thought if you decide at least to chat to GP, (and NOT saying you should!) Purplepixie let GP know whether you suffer his levels of anxiety as well as depression. Because there are a variety of anti'd's and anti-anxiety meds and need targeting xx

Purplepixie kind but tough love alert - there is nothing wrong with having to take meds long term, if it lifts your life out of its greyness and hurt. Just think - if it were diabetes, or a heart condition, you would take long term meds, yes?

Why not give them a try and after a few months make a decision whether to come off them (with advice how). I've been on MHealth meds for well over 20 years and have the right ones now. its necessary life support. Life is to be lived as fully as it can be and if modern medicine helps out with mind drugs as well as physical drugs?

Woke depressed as ever, came into gransnet and it lifts enough to get on with the day - slowly, as CFS is a constant. I opened the Pandoras box last night and there were no surprises but some added knowledge. Yes, and sadness for what was lost, obsessive passions, but understanding of the "why's" increased. Am accepting cant go to the gym every day like I used to, but see my first Ex today for lunch, we get on well.

Thank you everyone. I worry that I will become addicted to any medication so I have tried to stay away from it. Another night of not much sleep. I’ve tried talking to my husband about it all but its a case of - if you havent been through it then you cannot understand. I’ve had a terrible time in the past and now estranged from two adult “children”. Life is hard. I cry every morning and this time of year is just impossible for me at times. I am keeping myself as busy as I can with my knitting. Thank you.

Oh and I have been able to pick upon a hobby which is playing with photos in my Mac Editing programme and at last yesterday after 6 months of new printer, got my it to print out on Glossy Photo paper and frame for me or gifts. Ordered 8 very cheapA4 frames to play about with quickly (I have a large number of collected charity frames but not got all the gear out for cutting to size and make "windows" to fit in frames.

Just popping in briefly, what lovely warm posts you both.

Sorry about your tum Doodle does a HWB help on it lying down?

Sweetpeasue lovely what you wrote for Purplepixie
Definitely worth pursuing the doctor you can relate to - to get "the one I want" at my practice I have to speak to the duty one to then get to see "mine" (now part time) on the grounds of her knowing very complex conditions and tbh stressing the necessity MH wise to talk to her. Monday might not be the best day to try? You know what they are like then?

Doodle Pleased your DH is feeling better. Your poor stomach, I wonder how that happened. Perhaps with all the upset at A&E you pulled it by twisting without noticing. Sounds v uncomfortable, I hope its a bit easier tomorrow for you. I'd not thought about the ironing board at all. Sure you DGD will love the little snowman. I used to have a pattern for a chimney sweep and a Postman Pat. I knitted a few at one time.
Think if GP is 'Duty' Dr they just take all the emergency appts. I dont understand really. Our surgery wont do pre-bookables either. I'll call again and ask whats happening tomorrow.
Take care of yourself Doodle. You've had a rough week. x

HVDY. Been raining all day here today too. I wrapped presents and DH tried to figure out what we had bought and what was going back. DH is feeling better but I seem to have pulled a muscle in my stomach which is causing me some problems. What a pair.
Wyllow glad you had a good time at Quakers. Good luck with Pandora’s box. Hope it doesn’t get you down and hope the counsellor helps.
Sweetpeasue nice of you to take your aunt out. She must enjoy it. Sorry you felt unwell when you got back. I am making a snowman for my DGD and knitting a scarf for myself with a ball of wool I found in the cupboard.
I wrap my presents on the ironing board. I find it helps to put it on its highest position so I don’t have to bend at all.
You could try phoning the GP surgery and saying you’d like to see your GP how can you go about making that happen. If she’s at work next week she must be doing something. Perhaps ask for a phone consultation if you can’t see her.
Ellie Anne have you got presents for your DGC yet? What did you do about getting presents to your DD. Hope you are ok.
Scaredycat hope today the AF hasn’t caused you any trouble.
Have you been out at all?
Annie as ever , thinking of youx

Purplepixie Hello. I'm very sorry to hear how very depressed you are. It can feel as if everyone else is 'on the outside' and you can feel so isolated and alone. Nights are really dark when you can't sleep and everyone else seems at peace. You may be depressed for no reason at all or you may be depressed through upsetting circumstances. Either way sometimes medication can help especially if the depression won't lift and seems to be getting worse. If its affecting your sleep badly your GP might prescibe something to help temporarily(not necessarily 'sleeping tablets'). I have a tapestry picture, done in very dark times, that helped enormously so your knitting is a brilliant and creative distraction. Another GN poster finds cross-stitch is a huge help. I hope today you managed to make a start on that little jumper. I'm sure we'd love to see it when you're finished if you are familiar with posting pics. I really hope you get a better sleep tonight. Thinking of you.
Doodle How is your DH now? Not forgetting yourself too! Hope you're both keeping warm today. We took aunt to local garden centre for coffee and I was hanging on to her as so scared she'd fall it was so icy. When I got back had huge wave of sickness and felt unwell for couple of hrs then it suddenly disappeared. What are you crocheting? (That last word kept coming up as crotchless! 😱) This predictive texting can get us into so much trouble.
HVDY Must be a relief to have finished the gift wrapping. I hate it when there's loads to wrap. Used to do them on floor but that's not going to happen again. Bailey's on such a good offer at a couple of local supermarkets-think half-price! 😊
Scaredycat Hope you had a better day today and the AF wasnt so bad. Our local M&S in next village is just a food outlet so not much walking there.Temp not over 1 deg here all day. Meant to be much warmer tomorrow. Hope your niece is coping at home.
Wyllow Thankyou for the suggestion of councellor Zoom. I could never relax with Zoom. Ive a very unhealthy relationship with my reflection. The more I can avoid it the better. 🥺 I seem to have a face like a waxwork that melts yearly.
I hope you can rescue some good memories from your relationship but not so good right now that it makes you sad. You are very fragile and I can't imagine the things you've had to endure. Glad the Quaker meeting was good. It must feel very lonely when you walk through the door. It's very early days for you. A hug sent your way.
Annie Think of you and hope everything is ok for you and your hands aren't too painful.
EllieAnne I think you must be very busy going through that huge list you had. Sending you a wish you're ok. x

I wake up early and thoughts still going round about lots of stuff. I dont feel settled and my own GP back next week but not doing appts at all. I dont think shes going to be very available at all and I was hoping to stay with one GP. I wish my other hadn't retired. Im very tired today.Indecisive about everything.

Wishing all on BD a peaceful night's rest. x

Purplepixie I agree about tablets. See it as an umbrella to shelter under. Tell it like it it to the GP. Remember most meds take a little time to work.

Quakers was lovely, gym OK, cold, but feel loss when I get home. Pandora's box?
Right in small doses, because if I don't I am going off into an anxious disconnected nowhere land - and because I have a counsellor to take "uncovereries" too.

Its become..pressing...piecing bits of the jigsaw together.

"was he really like such and such?"

"Was this or that really meant or manipulative?"

" Yes, those things were really meant and true and good, I can make those years into a pattern of real positives and minuses".

But bit by bit.

Sending comfort to those sad today. koko coming in xx and Annie not forgotten.

Wyllow3 Hope the Quakers meeting and gym both help you today.

Doodle How's your husband feeling?

Son2 texted, he's going to call in at teatime. All our presents have been distributed now, so the dining table is looking tidy again. Intended going to the park t feed the ducks and swans, but it's raining, so am stopping in with some Bailey's

Purplepixie as HVDY says antidepressants can help. Can you see your GP. You don’t have to say on here what it is but do you have a reason for your sadness?
Hope your knitting relieves your stress a little.
Wyllow is it a good idea to open your Pandora’s box just before Christmas? Christmas is an emotional time for many and a time when not so many people are out and about. I am worried that it might make you feel really low and isolated. Could you leave it till the new year and class it as a spring clean of the mind perhaps? Whatever you decide, we are here for you.
HVDY up late today. Son just phoned to discuss Christmas plans. Wrapping presents today I think.

Purplepixie If you've been feeling depressed for a while, antidepressants could help. I'm on Mirtazapine - without them, I could hardly function. I'd rather take them for the rest of my life than ever feel as terrible as I used to. Have a good day.

Thank you for your kind caring words. No, not on any antidepressants but I have had counselling (twice) in the past. I just couldn’t stop crying this morning in the shower. I have found a pattern for a little sweater and I am going to knit that during today. Take care.

Purplepixie Are you on antidepressants at all?

How is everyone this morning? I'm not sure yet what to do today, but I hope everyone on here manages to have a decent day x

Hugs for your meltdown, Purplepixie well done for just koko. I'm sad I didn't pop in earlier to give that hug.

Scardycat not surprised last week caused AF wobbles. Lesson to all of us to take care doesn't it.

Sounds like a goodish day there, HVDY May all stay well with DS!

Good crocheting, Doodle

Staying in bed has plusses and minuses. Sometimes withdrawing is entirely necessary, total time out: but it can deplete confidence in getting up and doing things. I did manage more rest yesterday: also started going through diaries and memorabilia on times with Ex, but haven't tackled the really difficult file, the one with all the little notes and funny bits and also the bits where it shows I was blind to what was going on, or chose to be. It might seem a bad idea to deliberately open the "Pandora's box", but just feeling blank but very anxious and alone means I know I have to make an effort to work through Stuff.

Out today Quakers maybe gym.

Purplepixie welcome. Sorry you are having such an upsetting time at the moment. All of us on this thread have experienced anxiety , depression, health anxiety etc.
I can appreciate your sentiment about staying in bed. I often feel the same. People who have never experienced depression find it difficult to understand. I hope your husband is supportive in other ways. Knitting is a good thing to keep your hands busy and your mind occupied. I have been crocheting some things for Christmas.
HVDY I always used to love the time my DH finished work for Christmas. Meant I could relax a bit and not worry about him so much. Hope you have a nice evening with your son. Looks like he has Christmas all planned 😊
Wyllow I like the sound of your view from you window. I love trees and have a particularly tall poplar opposite that I can sit and watch bending in the wind for hours.
Thank you for your link to the Quakers. I have watched it. It sounds peaceful. I can see how you enjoy the company of like minded people.
Scaredycat hope the AF settles a bit. I get melancholy too. I don’t find it a pleasant feeling. Sadness and loss feature a lot.
Made me laugh you walking round M&S. DH and I did the same today at Waitrose. We were going for a walk but it was just so cold I didn’t want DH to get chilled so we did our walking indoors.
I can remember when my DGS as into Minecraft. He’s much older now but still likes computer games.
So sorry about your neighbour. It’s so easy to slip and break a bone. DH slipped on some black ice a few christmases ago (the evening of Christmas Day) and broke his ankle.
Purplepixie you are always welcome to join us here. We don’t have answers or magic potions all we can offer is a sympathetic and understanding ear and a virtual hug when needed.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning and just couldn’t stop crying. Back to my knitting which has helped a lot over my lifetime.

ScaredyCat Sorry the AF has been problematic lately. The weather sounds bad where you are. We've been very lucky - no snow, and not even frost on the pavements. The gritter lorry has been up our road (it's a steep hill) for a couple of nights this week. I expect your neighbour will need an operation. 3 hours is pretty quick to be seen. Kind of your DH to help.

Doodle I hope your husband is feeling better.

Wyllow3 Hope you've had a restful day.

I hope all BDers have had a decent day. Son1 came here, collected all the presents for him and his girls, and I gave him a lot of wrapping paper and sellotape I no longer need, also a carrier bag full of snacks, beers and chocolates. He said he'll spend Christmas Day with his new lady . DH and I have faffed about doing jobs indoors. Hope everyone has a relaxing evening. x

Hi All.
SweetPeaSue- thank you for your kind words. AF has been a bit troublesome this week - it’s been a hard one though so not surprised.
I agree about Christmas- Melancholy feelings sometimes creep in on the nicest of days even when surrounded by very loved people.
Hope you get to a Carol Service- I love to hear the little voices full of hope and excitement.
HVDY- yes Alzheimer’s is truly awful. I,m glad your SiL can still enjoy her outings with you - they will be nice memories for you to cherish too.
Think it might be thawing a bit today - hope so as I have felt trapped not being able to walk . So desperate yesterday we walked round and round the big M and S near us to move!!!
My GGS likes Minecraft but I have no idea what that is- no doubt he will attempt to show me on Xmas Day.
Wyllow- hope your body and mind will feel more rested after today.
Doodle- thank you . You are kind.
I hope DH improves again today.
We walked up to our paper shop this morning but it was so lethal had to walk on the road. Our neighbour went to the other paper shop further away and fell over on his way back.My DH dropped him off to A and E where he was told he had broken his upper arm.😩 unbelievably he was only there about 3 hours so DH fetched him back. He will get a call on Monday to say what happens next. It’s been one of those weeks!!!
Purple pixie- pleased to meet you . Hoping you have some better days soon. You are so right that this time of the year is difficult for so many. Take care.
Annie - we are missing you and just hope that you are being seen after well . Sending love
Take care allxx

Welcome and love Purplepixie. Its my experience that people close can only draw on their own knowledge of "down" and therefore literally unable to "go there". There's a lot of anxiety in there in that wakefulness you describe. Good on you for the knitting. Expectations on us being "other than we are" can be heavier at Christmas.

Have a good lazy day HVDY.

I'm going to try and let my mind relax more today and not avoid whats in there (Ex) with help of music and diary. Mostly in bed as my back sunny bedroom looks out on trees and gardens.

Doodle, you asked re Quakers and Christmas and this is good brief summary ie we are all very different as no creed, it links to natures "times of the year" www.quaker.org.uk/blog/times-and-seasons-a-quaker-reflection-on-christmas
So on the day its unpredictable.