Black Dog 14

Purplepixie Not "seen" you on here before, but feel free to post any time. We all understand how depression feels.

Anniebach How are you?

How is everyone this morning? It's frosty but bright out here. Having a lazy day. Son1 will probably call round some time - he had several parcels delivered here. DH is off work now for 2 whole weeks, so he's happy. Hope BDers manage to have a decent day x

Black dog days have been part of my life. I go through some really bad times. I try to keep busy but with family estrangement etc, it isnt easy. When it is really bad I just want to stay in bed and cry my eyes out. This time of year just isnt easy. My past few weeks have been kept busy knitting items to give to people for christmas. I wish I could get to sleep on a night but my head fills with so many bad things that I just find it impossible to get to sleep. My husband just doesn’t understand even though he says he does. Its must be hard for people who have lost loved ones at this time of year. Take care.

Wyllow sorry your back is painful. DH had a bad back after spending yesterday on a trolley too.
I was going to a Carole service on Sunday but will stay home and keep an eye on DH now.
I admire your efforts to monitor your body and minds needs and try and take good care of yourself. I think when you’re tired if you have CFS you need to take note of what your body is telling you and rest. It’s good you have so much support from the Quakers.
Sweetpeasue sometimes it gets to us how many people we know that are no longer with us. I try and celebrate Christmas just as it is and remember the happy times we’ve had and try and push the sad ones out of my mind.
Hope you get to go to hear the Caroles. I enjoy them ….well the jolly ones anyway.
Scaredycat so sad you have two friends you are losing in different ways. It must have been very hard to say goodbye.
We are still tired after yesterday but DH does seem a bit better so fingers crossed for the antibiotics.
HVDY it’s good of you to take your SIL to the day centre. Even if she doesn’t remember going, it’s a day out that you know she enjoys while she’s there. My brother never did like being with others like that. He was more someone who liked sitting quietly and reading. He found it difficult to adapt to the care home and didn’t socialise much with others but my SIL did go and visit him every day.
I lost my mum just before Christmas too and my brother died on New Year’s Day. I always have a toast to him every New Year.
Hope Annie is getting on ok.
Sleep well all.

Sweetpeasue, I think you would do well to have continuing counselling support, if you can access some. Mine is private - after a wait of 4 months for an Abuse Charity I had to act - MH cant give me weekly support at all - but Quakers are actually funding 16 sessions weekly, after that I can afford occasional sessions. You've still some way in your journey and getting symptoms that need support. PM me if you want details of my counsellor and costs, as she does Zooms.

I've given up trying to understand 10 yr old DGS games. I'm not quick enough.

I really feel ill tonight, so must stick to plans tomorrow!

Thankyou Wyllow . Your Quaker gathering on the morning sounds lovely. Is Christmas mentioned at all or would it be the same as any other gathering? Could google it so dont worry, just curious. It sounds such a peaceful gathering and Id imagine, almost healing in a spiritual sense.
I STILL dont understand the game. I believe you can purchase 'characters' but I could be wrong. I try and keep up with their interests but its not something I could join in with so Im completely excluded. Im sure its much more fun for him now than the Snakes n Ladders he loved when he was younger. Hes still very young though.
So very sorry for your loss(relationship) and hope in time you will be able to look back without sadness. Sleep well.

Thankyou HVDY. I've been luck enough this time to have a good counsellor but just 3 sessions left and Ill miss her so much. Feeling panicky and frightened about it. Left session yesterday feeling as if I knew exactly my goals(finding another solicitor) and certain. Crashed today.
Christmas brings to mind freshly loved ones past. My mum 2020.
Think my grandson much younger though re-Fortnite. 🥺
Have a nice weekend.

Scardycat what a very sad day for you. Two..goodbyes. Hugs whizzing your way. it does seem extra poignant at this time of year somehow.

I'm sure you are absolutely right about Christmas, Sweetpeasue. The gap between the "what it ought to be" and "how people really feel" I believe is so prevalent and little talked about as if one was letting the side down.
I hope the carol service does bring the feelings clearly inside there for you! I had to google "Fortnite game" and it looks like a lot of concentration is needed. (Yikes indeed) And above all may your tum behave itself in that time.

I do enjoy the music a great deal and on Christmas morning as its a Sunday there will be a small Quaker gathering at a lovely lady's house.

My family have a huge busy crowded time with DiL's parents and even I could get there, it would Be All a Bit too Much. I go up for New Year just immediate family.

HVDY it feels you've come so far this year: enjoy DS! You've enabled so much for him in the last 6 months. I feel a bit angry about your counsellor, as in opportunities missed not having someone good. My pals at school were not close like teenagers are now, as in sleepovers and so on, but I was happy in a loose knit group that "hung out" together.

I do follow politics. (life-long - family background too - *and there are many times when its helped with depression, as in "the wider picture"*)

I don't get involved in set-too's, but very curious today engaging with someone from a very different culture.

I've been rather over tired today so tomorrow set a side for a rest body wise and try to do more guided relaxations etc.

I'm wary of letting go too much as loss of the good bits of Ex flood in, but nevertheless have to find a way of not being afraid of over dark side of those loss feelings, try to practice to feel them more gently.

However you find yourselves tonight, take care, BD's.

I hope things stabilise Doodle, and also hoping for some news from Annie soon

ScaredyCat Alzheimer's is awful, isn't it? My SIL is in the middle stages. Yesterday, she enjoyed the time at the day centre, but on the drive home had already forgotten it . Hope your AF is not causing you any bother today.

SweetpeaSue I think Christmas does evoke certain emotions. I felt sad yesterday when I thought of my mum, although she died in 1995. I'll be perfectly ok without the Counsellor - I'm focused on what I want to do next year, and I will. I'm going out every day (Mon to Friday) so my husband will enjoy some peace and quiet. My grandchildren like Fortnite, and Roblox. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Doodle Im so pleased you're both back home. The visits to A&E are the most awful thing. They can be so overcrowded we've seen people leaning on the walls and sitting on the floor as seats all full-some sat on ironbars of broken seat structures. I really cant believe there can be many who would want to go there unnecessarily. I hope the antibiotics will help your husband. Used properly they are an amazing drug. Your tummys must have felt hollow by the time you got home.
HVDY Its such a shame you haven't had a good counsellor. I'm afraid they aren't all good. Its lovely that your DH has 2 weeks off. It will be nice to do things together and prepare for Christmas. You enjoy it both of you.
Wyllow Glad youve had a good swimming session. Even if you had to hear such awful stuff in the sauna. That would have really made me feel hot and bothered! I never felt part of a group of friends at school. Everyone feels different and I dont feel comfortable in a large group but perhaps the more we do something the more comfortable we would feel. I hope you rest well and have a sleep without disturbing dreams.
Scaredycat What a very hard day you had. It must be so awful to see your friends like that. It can be impossible to say goodbye to someone with a terminal illness and also one can be denied the chance. Although that must have been unbearably sad, Im glad you both managed it peaceably. I'm so sorry. I cant help thinking of my mum who had cancer and my own circumstances as I write, but your own too. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I hope your AF has not been too bad today. x

Huge admission. I think I might have developed a sadness that Christmas seems to bring out. Think Ive had it for some years but thought it would pass. I wonder how many feel the same but dont say. It makes me nostalgic for those ones not at table. Also we all try to pretend families are going to be The Waltons that day instead of The Simpsons. I will try and catch a Carol service-that might give me back the childish magic.My little grandson wants another Fortnite game. Yikes! I wish us all good health!

Thinking of EllieAnne, Whiff, Nadateturbe and our Annie. Have a peaceful night.

Afternoon all.
Doodle- glad you got home at a reasonable hour but that must have seemed a very long evening! Hope the antibiotics do the trick for your DH- he deserves a break!! You certainly do see life in A and E and such compassion as you witnessed illustrates NHS at its best.
Hope today is a peaceful restful day for you both.
Yesterday was a hard day.. In the morning I had to say goodbye to a good friend who is coming to the end of their fight against cancer - so sad but glad to have been able to talk with him.
In the afternoon we visited our friend with Alzheimer’s who has retreated further into himself but there was a moment when he spoke 4 words ,smiled and ‘came back’. He is our oldest friend and we love them both very much.
My head is still very much taken up with thoughts of what used to be. But glad we had great times when we could.
Wyllow,SweetPeaSue, HVDY,EllieAnne ,
Annie and all hope you are warm and hope something today will bring you joy.
Take care all xx

Doodle Glad your husband got treated eventually. I hope the antibiotics take effect quickly. It was a long day for you both.

Wyllow3 I don't know how anyone could think Putin was "doing a good job" but I don't get into discussions about politics. Does your back feel better after your swim?

I hope everyone has had a decent day. I've had a pleasant couple of days. It was the last Counsellor session today, as well (not that I'll miss her). DH has broken up from work today, for 2 weeks, so he's happy as well x

So tiring and so many upset/poorly people there, Doodle - so glad you are both home and cross fingers for the anti'bee's, and hope for a settled period for you.

Well certainly an interesting morning. My back was dodgy so decided on a swim and the pool quiet, the changing room was sociable. However the sauna chat was....well, one bloke was saying Putin was doing a good job because he as keeping a Ukrainian Jewish plot out. Culturally challenging and the world not sorted out, but amicable. I don't keep up with the latest conspiracy theories....
As ever leaving the gym felt a lurch of disassociation being on my own. Getting more used to it, tho. As in expecting it and keeping mind focussed.

xxx to all BD's today.

Hello all. Got home about 9 last night. DH is fine they just gave him more antibiotics. It is so exhausting sitting for hours in A&E. The only thing that passed the time was people watching.
We did have access to water and I took two chocolate biscuits with us but we were getting a bit peckish by the time we got home.
wyllow I’m glad you get so much out of your Quaker meetings. Hope last night was a better night and the self hater didn’t make an appearance. Hope the gym visit went well.
I enjoy the company of others from church. They are a small but friendly group. We have a coffee and chat after the service which is nice.
HVDY not as bad here as Nottingham, only 6 hours.
Everyone was very nice and they certainly were busy. I was amazed and pleased to see the care shown by all the staff including porters, to an elderly lady with dementia. She would not stay in her cubicle and kept walking out and saying she was going home. The staff were all so gentle with her. She would only stay put for about a minute before she wandered off again. No one got cross or annoyed they just gently guided her back again.
nadateturbe thank you, that’s kind. Yes sitting still on hard chair for 6 hours isn’t fun, especially when you are surrounded by people coughing or throwing up 😲

Doodle I hope MrD is OK and you haven't suffered too much waiting in A&E. I know how uncomfortable it is. I hope you remembered to take drinks etc with you.xx

Or some re much more self-sufficient than I am. I think I only get a sense of self from those whom I mix with.

I'm thinking about the tribes of friends I had as a child and teenager, or political affiliations I've had in the past, as much as a faith group - or even in the days when they existed, MH drop in centres where I felt I "belonged" A lot of people do feel a great sense of loss when they retire?

But I'm not assuming everyone needs a "tribe". Some family networks are very close...

I think those of us with mental health problems get those feeling of self-hatred from time to time (I know I get that most days) but we need to remind ourselves that we're good, kind people, and we should try to spend time with people who value us. I've never belonged to a group/tribe - as an Atheist, I've never been to church. I've never joined any groups, really - apart from the day centre place where I go on Thursdays. I don't belong there, but it doesn't matter, we all go there for the company, the conversation, and just being able to forget about other things for the day.

I'm glad you managed to get out and have a decent day.

Love to Doodle hoping you and DH are ...as well as x

Had a visit from the Self Hater in the night. Knew her for what she is. (listen to the "why" but endure the feelings) Decided to ask for the draft of my MH care plan, as it really matters what is said as it sets "treatment" for new life post abuse/alone after 11 years. As for feelings re ex, they vary so much.

I reviewed what I watch on TV. Its all old NCIS or Law and Order, where they are always teams like friends, family substitutes, "tribes". I've always needed a "tribe" but lost is when vv depressed or isolated with Ex, but know my "tribe" is best situated in Quakers, except a lot of time lost over years in building that. (it may seem odd to exclude my lovely family, but probably due to my childhood its never been "enough", need to belong more widely in the world.

The cleaner coming got me out to the gym, good, and it means afternoon nap.

Doodle Hope that by now your husband might have been seen (the waiting time in Nottingham's A & E is apparently 9 hours, so your poor DH might still be waiting). I hope you've at least managed to get a drink. xx

SweetpeaSue How have you been today?
Wyllow3 How's your day been?
ScaredyCat, Annievach, EllieAnne and others - hope you're all ok.

Hope your A&E has a drink available or you managed to take one(or two) xx

Doodle Thinking about you both sat there on probs hard chairs for what is so often such a long long time, amongst other poor souls. Hope you're wrapped warm, it will be so cold when you come home. Thinking of you both glad your husband is at least feeling fine right now. Good that nurse is being extra careful. Lots of love. xxxxx

Doodle- Ah so sorry for you both and hope the Doc will see your DH soon. Hope you sleep well when you eventually get home and thank you for letting us know. Sending hugsxx

Dear all. I’m in A & E with DH who is feeling fine. Sent in by nurse at surgery who thought he had a temperature and needed checking at hospital. Been here hours. Not seen doctor yet. Won’t post again till tomorrow. Hope all are ok.

Best nights possible BD's and see you tomorrow xx

Thanks for the update Doodle. Pleased to hear it. 😄 x