Black Dog 14

Ziggy62 I don't post here very often. As others have far worse things to deal with than me.

But I had to see if you are feeling better after your talk with your friend.

Yes life can get very hard to cope with at times, but we are given one life and at times it can be hard and down right awful. But no matter what life throws at us as hard as it can be it's well worth living. You only have to read what others are going through here see how hard it can be. But keep posting here and others will help you see your way through.

My fit healthy husband died horribly from cancer in 2004 aged 47. He made me promise to live the best life I can and I do. I have had problems with my limbs all my life. Only found out this year what is wrong with me and I born with it and it's a rare hereditary neurological condition. 2 years ago found out I was born with a hole in my heat luckily not in the connections between the chambers.

But I am now 64. I try and find a positive out of a negative can be something as silly as a nice cloud or flower. But I always manage to find something. Not easy but I do.

Like when I found out about my hole I had to laugh I have had 3 major operations and 2 minor ones all with a dickie heart . My first op was when I was 14.

If life was easy it would be boring but that's my way of thinking. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I had a wake up call in 2017 when I had jaundice due to tablets I had been on decades. After 5 months was discharged from the gastrologist and he told me people with my bilirubin levels normally die. I had already decided to make changes in my life as I was seriously ill for 5 months plus all my usual health problems. Only wanted 3 things move house,lose weight and get fit. Still trying to lose the last stone and bit but if it takes me another year I will do it . Moved to my bungalow and got fitter.

Think about what you would like to do doesn't have to be big . It can be anything and do it. You will feel a sense of achievement. Then find another thing . It's not easy but well worth it. And you must love yourself warts and all and self care is very important. I forgot that for years after my husband died. What a fool I was.

I read this thread everyday and my admiration for each of your grows as no matter how you are feeling or what is happening in your lives you give your time to support eachother. What a wonderful group you are .

I'm so very sorry. Just phoned a friend xxx

Maybe talk to The Samaritans, Ziggy62? Phone 116123

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Life always feels worse in the early hours. Take care x

I don't wish to sound overdramatic but I don't want to be here

Doodle We don't like marzipan or icing either. Actually we don't really get any visitors at Christmas so don't know how long the cake will be around. Husband likes it enough. I soak the fruit in brandy beforehand so I get an excuse to have a little tipple. Can't believe no one's made one ever-feel a right 'Stepford wife' now!🤔 Im sure your knees must benefit from your regular walking so you are doing something. I'd never heard of the bungalow thing because of no stairs. Oh I do feel for your husband. It must be so hard for him having to cope with so many things. It's truly awful to get to that point where you can't imagine being better. I hope he feels better soon.
Annie Joce Whiff Scaredycat EllieAnne and all on BD wishing you a peaceful night. x

I've been in the MH systems for help since 2002 age 51.

I never thought however I'd get caught up in an abuse situation. Difficult periods of between 1 and 3 years are so regular for me.

I suppose I cope better with despair, it doesn't scare me like it used to. Endure, call for help, and what has made huge difference, share and know how many people struggle.

But what has become clear this week is that I have to allow up to a year to recover physical health tiredness wise - only if I make wise decisions. (Bowels different matter - am in waiting list to see consultant, its months, unless things get worse...OTOH I am getting older and how many of us escape "isshoos"?)

Oh you are a tease HVDY I love cottage pie and as for fruit crumble and custard 😋 my favorite.
Yes I think standing from a sitting position and the steps would be good exercises. I must get onto it.
Sorry about the aqua aerobics. Do you feel your counselling is of any benefit? Doesn’t sound as though she has any experience to draw on. It’s all very well to have the paperwork but you need to know a little of life too.
I must do the ironing tomorrow. It’s been on the rack for days but I’ve run out of excuses.
Wow you got the job. Well done you. So pleased for you 😊
Scaredycat bungalow legs fits me to a T. I used to have such nice legs. Lean and athletic. What happened. 😱
Hope you get some good news of your niece soon.
That’s you me and HVDY that have never made Christmas cake. I am making a cake for DH this Christmas but it’s not a Christmas cake more of a moist fruit cake without marzipan or icing (which he doesn’t like)
Wyllow I think the signing of the papers was such an anticipated event that you went into some kind of anticlimax. You do sound exhausted and down. I hope that the whole thing is finalised soon and you can begin to move forward. Despite the fact that you wanted this and the way your ex treated you was bad I’m not surprised you are feeling something akin to grief. The letting go of what might have been. Take care and I hope you can relax a bit this weekend.
No it’s not none grating in bone it is just under use I am sure and I must exercise more. I don’t want to lose the ability to do stairs so just must make myself do something about it.
Sweetpeasue you post was so touching. I do hope things continue well for you. My DH when he was really poorly said to me I don’t know what normal is anymore.
Your lunch sounds lovely and your journey home very picturesque.
I think we should all go to HVdY’s for lunch so we can have an air fryer demonstration.
Annie are you able to have any more access to your iPad yet? Any news of a move to a nursing home? Much love x

Wyllow Thanks. The Counsellor hasn't been a lot of use, but I'm going to be fine without her calls. It's good to have resting days every so often. Take care of yourself.

SweetpeaSue Thanks. Yes, the air fryer is a Ninja Health Grill, so it roasts, bakes and grills.

I hope everyone on BD has a relaxing evening x

HVDY Oh that's so great to hear, about your job success. I actually wrote the sentence to ask about it in last post then deleted it as I was worried it might be a bit hurtful if your news was bad and you were disappointed. I'm so very pleased for you. 🎉🎉🎉 That air - fryer is making me jealous. It can even do a steak pie? With pastry?
Wyllow I thought you would be feeling so low after the formal finalities of signing. It sort of makes it more real. Different circumstances--but I went through divorce many years ago. It's such a painful thing but I'm sure it must be so very much worse later in life and you are not in good health either. I hope your bowels have settled a bit and the anxieties havent made it worse. I'm glad you've managed a bit of rest and recharging of batteries today. I hope you rest well tonight too.

Hello all, I haven't been in as sort of went under with depression and utter exhaustion and had far to many "had to's" and couldn't frame my feelings for here properly and have gone quiet emails and anything else.

Yes, form was signed, it awaits arrival and checking by my solicitor before sending off to court for the legal confirmation

but it and the counselling triggered the rather overwhelming feelings, I found myself just telling myself to koko and so on, it was complex grieving and loneliness and to be honest just exhausted by and since the family weekend, but today was a day of rest in bed and catching up with myself a bit and the sun streamed in.

I was thinking of you and knees tho Doodle in the middle of one gym session. Yes it is partly use it or lose it but I just wanted to say that unless its a problem like bone grating on bone then don't stop the exercise bike BUT use it just to keep the knee in the circling motion that cycling gives you as opposed to pushing yourself hard in it for weight loss. (and good for hips too)

And yes the bungalow things did occur to me too - a friend who has had her knees done lives in a bungalow and says she now has mixed feelings about it as in no stairs - but of course as a long term choice its a good move.

HVDY congratulations on getting the job. It sounds positive in so many ways. Please trebuchet steak pie this way! Still totally underwhelmed by your counsellor please believe me there are better!

SweetpeaSue that was so good to read. Look, there will be good days and not so good days, the trick is to try and remember that good days have not gone forever and can happen xx

Scardeycat I hope it was as sunny for your walk as its been here - crisp and sunny and a touch of snow higher up - lots of (very) fresh air.

Wave to Whiff Annie EllieAnne and I hope I've not forgotten anyone including those passing through.

SweetpeaSue That's great that you've had such a lovely day. I'm so pleased for you. I hope you'll have more good days. You certainly deserve that.

I got that part-time job. I'll start after Christmas. It'll do me good to be actively helping someone. The man is a couple of years younger than me, and we got on so well at the informal interview.

Just doing dinner - steak pie in the air fryer, with mash and vegetables. x

HVDY What a shame you didn't get to Aqua-Aerobics again because of this machine whatsit. You've done the cleaning and ironing though. The counsellor sounds such a loss. She doesn't sound suited for the job really as listening would be more important than anything else.
Scaredycat I remember at school in 4th year we all had to make a Christmas - just the girls had cookery then. Sounds shocking now, so sexist! Oooh such a bad, bad person, naughty step for you! I don't make one every year. I hope your niece's condition isn't too serious and your sister is coping with it all, it's so worrying when you don't know what's happening.

I've had a good day again and it feels so good to feel 'normal'. It's been so long, I'll take very badly if I have to return to how things were. I mustn't think about it.
Drove over moors to meet sister at highest point and had lunch in pub in front of open fire. It was so lovely. Huge drop to a long valley and all the fields set out like patchwork quilt with patches of snow. On way back Mary's Boy Child on Smooth radio played. I could hardly see for tears. It's just been soooo long, you see. It's difficult to live in the present and not think of past or future but sometimes it's for the best.
I do hope everyone on BD is OK and having as decent a day as is possible. x

ScaredyCat I hope things go ok for your niece. Do let us know. I've never made a Christmas cake either (We don't like it but I usually buy a small one if people are coming here). My Counsellor is very young (I looked her up on Facebook). She's done the exams, got the certificates, etc., but hasn't had many life experiences yet - not married, no children, no bereavements - she told me those things).

It's so cold (and I've run out of excuses) that I've done all the ironing (a boring chore) and cleaned up a bit. Hope everyone's day is going well. x

Hi all.
Doodle- I think you are probably right about your knees and a single story home. It is actually called Bungalow legs and not climbing stairs does weaken your legs a bit. However I can understand why you use the lift. You walk practically every day and that is so good for you. I think you and your DH are such a good team and you beat us yesterday it was too cold to walk😩😩 maybe go out in a while as the sun has appeared.
I too have to take some stuff back to the shops - this year I have been very indecisive.
HVDY- you do get lovely meals at the day centre- crumble and custard yummy.
My niece is going to have a very detailed scan today so hopefully they will get to the bottom of it- I am very concerned for her though.
Don’t think that counsellor was the one for you. Years ago I had one who talked about herself all the time - stopped going as I felt more fed up after a session with her😩
Sweet Pea Sue- so good that you are having a better time right now. Your sister will be pleased to have a lovely home made Xmas cake. I have a confession- I have never made a Xmas cake - what a bad person I am😀😀😀
Your casserole sounds lovely real comfort food.
Wyllow- what good news that the papers are at last signed. What a load off your mind- here’s to new beginnings xx
Annie- how are you today? Hope you have good news soon. It’s freezing today but we,re off for a walk in a minute with your words ringing in my ears- keep walking!!
EllieAnne,Whiff,Joce and all BD keep warm and take carex

Doodle We had cottage pie with vegetables then a fruit crumble and custard . I think the bike exercises you do are the best ones for building up leg muscles. Or stepping up and down on a step, or even just standing up from a chair and sitting again (without holding on/pushing up with arms), 20 times is good. I was told to do that by Physiotherapists.

How is everyone? The Counsellor rang, she always talks more than listens. Last session next week. Aqua Aerobics has been cancelled again - the screen still hasn't been fixed.

Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

HVDY easily done, glad it wasn’t anything serious with the car though. Did you have a good time at the day centre. Don’t tell me what you had to eat I’d only be jealous.
It was freezing on our walk today but I did wrap up warm. I have got a pair of winter tights and may well resort to those soon. Today I wore a pair of long socks, my boots and a long coat. We didn’t go too far I was afraid of DH getting chilled.
Sweetpeasue so pleased you have had a better day. You have been busy. I love food cooked in a slow cooker it’s always so tender.
Don’t know what’s wrong with my knees probably lack of muscle use due to living in a flat and not doing stairs. We used to take the stairs all the time but since DHs fall we’ve been using the lift. I just need to exercise them more and build up strength I think. DH is fine thank you. He has the occasional moan about how many tablets he has to take each day but I remind him it’s because of them he’s still here. He doesn’t complain much really.
Take care all BD. Sleep well

SweetpeaSue He's used to me being a bit gormless. I always have it in 1st gear as we live on a hill. I know it doesn't start when in gear. I'd put it into neutral, started it ok, had the heater on, then thought I'd go in and change my top. I put it into 1st, got out of the car, changed my mind about the jumper, got back in, forgot to put it in neutral (I never used to be like this). Ooh, casserole is gorgeous, just what's needed in this weather.

Doodle Have you tried wearing tights of leggings under trousers, for extra warmth?

Wyllow3, ScaredyCat, EllieAnne, Anniebach, and everyone else on BD - hope you're all ok. x

HVDY haha Bet your husband has ribbed you over that. I did something similar last week.He said he'd left it in first gear. I tried to put it in neutral before starting it and it wouldn't budge. Seemed locked solid. He gets in and it just slips out straight away. 😕 I've been OK again today. It's great. Bits of bowel cramps but I'm really happy. Made a Christmas cake for sister. Had a chicken, leek and root veg casserole in slow cooker tonight. Very warming.
Doodle Been mostly cloudy here today but hope you managed a 'Golden hour' where you are. It sounds such a lovely spot where you live. I agree it takes a bit will power to venture out walking when it's so cold. Your poor knees too. Is it Arthritis? Perhaps they don't like this cold weather too. I wonder if some support tube-like bands will help. I used one on a knee a few years ago when it was painful. Sorry, I can't remember the proper name for them. I hope your husband is coping with the many things he has to contend with.
Wyllow Seen Doodle's post that your ex signed the papers. That must be such a relief. Great news.

Hope everyone is well. Thinking of you Annie and hoping things get moving so you can get settled. All on BD wishing you a peaceful night.

How has everyone been today? I went with my SIL to day centre. Brother had to drop us there then pick us up later - my car wouldn't start this morning. I've just got in, DH is home already and had looked at the car. Battery is fine, it started straightaway. The reason it wouldn't start this morning was that I'd tried to start it whilst it was in 2nd gear. What a fool .

Wyllow just read on the GM thread your papers have been signed. What a relief for you. Hope there are no more hiccups.

Been out today doing some more Christmas shopping. Tomorrow I have to take the stuff back I bought the day before. Changed my mind about what I was giving.
Been to church this morning and got involved in their Christmas preparation so was there for a few hours.
HvDY I’ve done a bit online too. I like to buy things in local stores mostly so they can take stuff back and change it if they don’t like/want it.
You shouldn’t put yourself down so much. I’m sure you’re a nice looking person. You have such a nice nature how could you be otherwise .
Ooh I was nearly up as early as you this morning. I made it by 8.15 which is early for me. Good luck with your secret Santa shopping
Sweetpeasue you son works long hours. It’s good you hold back till he’s rested. Many wouldn’t be so considerate. I’m like you really, wait to be asked. Im so pleased he lives close to you. That’s nice. Will he be home for Christmas or don’t you know yet?
We are lucky here we often get to see what DH describes as golden hour. The sun shines on the trees across the water and turns them all gold then copper as the sun goes down.
My knees are very weak now. They creak and crackle and groan as I move around but we managed to keep going.
Hope you have had a better day.
Annie I hope these assessments get finished soon and you can move to a proper home. Can you listen to the radio or something to relieve the boredom.
Scaredycat it was so cold out today. I left my gloves at home by mistake and my hands were frozen by the time I got home.
Don’t enjoy walking so much when it’s so cold. Have you been out today?

EllieAnne Things at home must be so unhappy for you. I'm glad you've got the support of family and church.

Anniebach I had to look up Dooley Wilson. It's good that you managed to listen for a while. No, you can't go backwards. Onwards and upwards for you, you're doing so well now, by the sound of it.

Wyllow3 You've had a busy day. Well done on going to the gym. I hope the papers are finalised very soon.

ScaredyCat Thank you. I need a little job. It's a very emotive time of year, isn't it? I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. I hope your niece is home soon. Love to you.

SweetpeaSue Hope you've been ok today.

Hope everyone on BD has a pleasant evening. I'm going to go to Son1's soon (husband will drive) to take him a lot of Christmas decorations & baubles, and a tub of Cadbury's Heroes. (we'll eat them if they stay here) x

Wyllow3 You've done well to go straight out to the Gym and get done your usual routine. I do hope your ex has filled in the forms correctly. You won't feel at ease until you're reassured. Crossed fingers you have a better night tonight it will be exhausting after your time away. Sounds like a busy day for you today too.
Annie You have always said the past is a different country. It can hurt to look back at times but I'm sure in your case with the uncertainty of where you will be moved to in future it must feel a little daunting. Sounds as if the home near your granddaughter would be lovely to get into if you can.
I hope you can listen to your jazz more often. I don't believe I've heard of Dooley Wilson either. I hope the food is still enjoyable there. Its so good to hear from you again.
Scaredycat I'm so sorry it's that time of year for you and the memories(which I'm sure are there all the time anyway) are visited afresh. I can't imagine your pain and it makes me very sad to think of your grief. Sending you love and my thoughts. 💐.
I seem to have a problem every year as to what to get people. If my husband had his way the Christmas gifts would be decided in 2 mins! We always try don't we? I've often got back home and thought oh what made me think they'd like so n so, I can't give him/her that. I hope you find out soon about what's wrong with your niece, for your sister's sake as well as your own. It must be worrying for you all. A big hug back to you too. You did make me splutter out loud about Annie and Dooley--🤭 x

Hope everyone has had a reasonable day.

Afternoon All. Sorry I,ve been absent but it’s been a very busy 2 days and this morning we have been to the Church to tidy up and lay the Christmas wreath for my son and his Dad. DH is so good and always comes with me to help. The pain never goes away .
I,ve read all the posts just now what a lovely supportive group you are.
Wyllow- glad you are home safely and also that you were able to confide in your DiL that must have been comforting for you . Do hope the papers have been signed so that you can then get on without that threat hanging over you. Good for you for playing it cool
Doodle- glad DH is improving each day. Wish I was brave enough to use EBay - I could do with a lesson!!
My sister said yesterday that my neice is still in hospital but champing at the bit to go home. Unfortunately she has still not had the MRI scan - they have altered her meds a bit. So worrying not knowing what is wrong .
EllieAnne- hope your DH manages to take the presents it would be nice forDD to see her Dad and take a bit of pressure off you. You are stronger than you will ever know - facing up to everything so bravely.
SweetPeaSue- So pleased that your pain has lessened and you,ve been able to get out and about. I,m still shopping too - this year has seemed more difficult to know what to get.
Glad you,ll have your son home again soon- big hugs coming your way!!!
HVDY- Do hope you get that job- your lovely caring nature is just what people need.
Loved the telly story just like a sitcom !!
Annie- this waiting time must be very difficult for you but as usual you face it head on and deal with things in your own way.
I don’t know who Dooley Wilson is but he must be good if you hide under the bedclothes with him!!
Hope you get a decision soon - the convent doesn’t sound as good as the other place.
Hope you,re still enjoying your food - what have you enjoyed the most.
Love to all,keep warm and have as good nightxx

I hope a far happier option comes up soon, Annie

Glad to hear you feel a bit better Sweetpeasue

Sounds like a good morning there HVDY

Love to all regulars and readers of BD.

Its been a whirlwind today so I don't know how I'm feeling till I have a rest and it all settles. Bad night.

As I did not know if Ex had signed last form yesterday, I sent an early email to my solicitor:

rushed out to the gym because I had to break the fear barrier of "Can I do it after a week off" (I could and did),

then on the way home Ex rung and said he had popped into his solicitor who had done it (took 10 mins), but of course it has to be filled in "the right way" to get what's needed so waiting for my solicitor to OK it.

then I had a very good but emotionally challenging counselling session Zoom...and then had to go out for meds as run out and to put some stuff in empty fridge post the weekend away.