Black Dog 14

Hi all x things the same, waiting for assessments, can’t think ahead, will certainly not think of the past, this makes the present rather boring. I did have a sneaky few minutes under bedclothes yesterday listening to Dooley Wilson.
It was suggested to me this week I may like a care home where I live, looked on line, the Covent were I worked for several years and loved it, not owned by the Order now, looking at it now made me sad, I shudder to think what the chapel has been
turned into, look back ? No.

Ellie Anne proud of you my love 🌻 x

Love to all x

HVDY I always look forward to him coming home but he lives in same village and only been gone a fortnight. Haha. Son 1 who lives a couple of hrs away. Hope you get what you need for Secret Santa gift.
Just done bit more shopping. Feeling lot better today.
Hope everyone is OK.

SweetpeaSue Lovely that your son is going to visit. He does 12 hour shifts - that's too long for any job, isn't it? He'll need a rest but I bet he'll be glad to see you.

How is everyone today? I've been lazy so far - up at 8 (late for me), didn't get dressed until 10. Rang a friend and we chatted for 90 minutes! Going to go out now and buy a Secret Santa gift for tomorrow's day centre. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Annniebach I've just seen your news. So happy for you. You must be feeling uplifted knowing you will soon be living close to family and in a very pleasant nursing home. Lovely to think of you warm, well fed and with company and entertainment too. All my good wishes for the future.

EllieAnne You are certainly no coward at all. You strive to do the best you can in extremely difficult circumstances. You seem well aware of your situation and have weighed up the pros and cons for the present. I hope you continue to have the support from your church and friends and I'm sure you'll always have the love of your daughter, son and dear grandchildren.
Doodle Yes my pain eased and I went out late morning. Did a little shopping and had a coffee out. I'm OK at present. Oh I am looking forward to son coming home though I have to hold back for a while and wait until he's refreshed from a rest. He does 12 hr shifts. Plus he's in a good relationship now and I always wait to be approached. How is your husband doing? Your walk sounds lovely and the return home a very beautiful and special moment with the tree colour. Moments like that can mean so much and they can be so unexpected. I hope the knees are OK and not giving you gip. I think Christmas must always be tinged with sadness as long as there are those alone. It's lovely to see the children getting excited though. One day they'll be the adults and look back too.
Scaredycat I h o pe you're OK today and your sister has been reassured about her daughter's condition. Did you also walk today? The rain and cold has been horrible here. Makes us feel more appreciative to have a home to return to though.

Wishing all a peaceful night. x

Wyllow3 I just think we have all this long lead-up to Christmas (starting in October) and then it's really just one day. I like to have a routine. I'm glad your Psychologist session went well. I think you're wise not to try to push yourself too much. You know how you feel.

I've been doing more online shopping for presents. I'm waiting for a few books to arrive, and that's pretty much everything done. I'm going to have an earlier night tonight, so hope all BDers sleep well x


Doodle My hairdresser is very good. He always does my hair to make it look voluminous (to match my body haha). I hate going to the salon - it's odd because they appear to have fairground mirrors in there! (There's always a fat ugly old woman with about 4 chins when I look into their mirrors). I hope that bloke managed to get the 50in tv out of the taxi when he got home. We said wouldn't it be awful if he dropped it! The trees do look marvellous at this time of year, don't they? Such beautiful colours.

Oo, nice walk there Doodle

Ellie Anne we all make decisions in life based on what we think is the right thing and what we can cope with. You have stated so clearly your reasons for staying with your husband and I have nothing but respect for that. Just wish the relationship could b a happier one.
I hope your husband will make the trip for you with your DDs presents. You sound so busy with lots to do perhaps he will do his bit. I can understand wanting to go in the new year.
HVDY I am lagging way behind. Must get my cards done soon. Hmm nice Italian young man with his own salon……have your haircut often do you 🤣
My DH would be over like a shot if he could. Beef curry is his favourite.
I do hope you get the job it sounds perfect for both of you.
Sorry about your brother. That’s very young.
How on Earth did that chap think he was going to carry the TV home. 😱. My DH is into selling on EBay at the moment.
Wyllow glad the meeting with the psychologist went better than you’d thought. No with CFS you can’t push yourself. I think the NHS has got over that piece of advice now and are not suggesting physical therapies.
Oh I do hope he’s signed. It would be just what you need.
I hope you have the sort of Christmas you want for yourself.
Quaker meeting in the morning sounds a good start to the day.
Sweetpeasue sorry you are not feeling great again. It’s a double edged sword isn’t it. Take painkillers for the pain which then cause constipation then take laxatives which cause more pain.
Pleased your son is coming home soon. You must be so looking forward to seeing him.
I always find Christmas lights cheering.
Lots of us seem to have lost family members around Christmas. Many people don’t enjoy the celebration because it’s tinged with sadness. Did you feel up to going out in the end?
Annie hope you get to your new home soon.
Scaredycat we went for a good walk today. Came home to see all the trees bathed in copper colour sunlight. Beautiful

Dear Ellie Anne, thank you for your utter, utter honesty. that must have taken a lot of courage to write.
You are NOT a coward - you have decided to compromise, and that is strength, truly.

As regards DD, I understand perfectly about going down when there is less pressure! 5 hours is a long drive - mine is only 2.75 hours and I wouldn't try it in a day.

As regards DH, yes, it's a tough situation. I think indifference is a kind of abuse, but it's very hard to pinpoint, very hard indeed.

Especially when "everybody else" sees nothing wrong.

Some people are very capable of being different at home to everyone else. And you dont want to upset DD, very understandable.
You do well to build yourself a life within the church community that is "yours".

(You see, I own my house. Despite his attempts, I never gave joint ownership (knowing that he has a large - well large for low but "good enough" income inheritance coming)... and I don't have to support my DS either).

HVDY it would NOT surprise you the number of women at the gym who come in after Christmas much cheered that "its all over". they won't admit why they feel that way, but....we all know the difference between how people present their lives and whats really happening inside heads! Yes, really pleased you are going to earn a bit. Good for self-esteem and rewarding.

Sweetpeasue yes all those painkillers cause constipation - sigh. Necessary compromises with biscodyl/laxido et al. FWIW, you recall my sis the gastroenterologist? She says it's OK to up the laxatives for periods. Please put pain relief higher on the list! its frustrating having to balance all these meds and feel deep down, 'why me, why should I HAVE to grrrrrrrrrr".

wishing other BD's a good evening.

Wyllow3 Yes, that job would suit me. I worked in the care sector for 20-odd years, and I love helping people. You're right not to ring your ex to ask if he's signed the papers - he's perhaps waiting for and expecting you to ring. I hope he has signed. I like things low-key too. Parties or gatherings with lots of people would be my idea of a nightmare. I'm quiet by nature and prefer close, friendly occasions. I like Christmas day, but am glad when everything is back to normal.

SweetpeaSue I understand about Oramorph. Bladder pain is horrible, isn't it. I hope you get some rest tonight.

Son2 came, enjoyed the curry - I made far too much, so DH will take some to work tomorrow. A man came to buy a plasma tv we no longer want - but he walked here (3 miles). I don't know how he thought he was going to get it home, but we'd all had a drink so we got him a taxi .

HVDY Try so hard to do without painkiller (oramorph but first paracetamol) because it would mean extra use of laxative. Oh that's wonderful that you both got on really well-I do hope you get good news on Thursday. Crossed fingers. Have a nice evening. Hope son gets well soon.
Wyllow That's exactly how I feel about celebrations - - low key. Do hope your ex has signed the papers. Makes sense not to make yourself available for any further hurts, insults or pulling your strings by sticking to texts. You are protecting yourself, that's good.
Christmas can mean many things to people but I think Peace is universally hoped for by all. Enjoying the 'chaos' from a 'safe distance' sounds so good, I really like the way you put it. Wishing you a peaceful night and hope you get good news soon about the papers. Oh and yes I do have the antibiotics in just in case. I get bad bladder pain with the Bladder Pain Syndrome so it can be difficult to tell that from a UTI but the main difference is I get some reief from the pain by passing urine with BPS.

Wyllow I would like to see her but would really only be there and back again . It takes 5 hrs to get there.
I’d rather go in January when things are quieter and can stay longer.
Why do I stay? Because I’m a coward.
Because he doesn’t see there’s anything wrong.
Because I only have state pension.
Because he has never treated me badly and to everyone else is a perfectly ok person.
Because I have nowhere to go.
Because of my daughter s precarious mental state.
Because we still financially support one of sons.
Because I can’t cope with confrontation.

HVDY - that caring job sounds right up your street - you are so good at it.

*SweetpeaSue I must admit I've have taken the anti-b's in "just in case" it was a combination of issues. It so hard for you, the "not knowing what's really causing it". Once one knows, at last then look at "best alternatives". I agree about the little "glow" of the twinkly lights. It must bring back something good from the past. We'll have to try and let it last a bit.

Ellie Anne yes ask again. It really isnt much to ask a Dad to take pressies to a daughter. it gave me pleasure to read the things you are engaged in, as they are all "being part of a community" and if things at home are tough, then all the more needed. If he really wont, its a tough choice...is it very far? Will there be any "plusses" seeing DD with the pressies if "push comes to shove".
Will you forgive me asking a question - ignore if its too personal, please - why do you stay with DH? Yes it is really tough "getting out" and probably things haven't reached the level where yours an option you are even think about

(I know I'm doing it, but then the abuse had got very aggressive, certainly dangerous, and out of order in my case even as far as police concerned.

I had a reassuring session with the psychologist I was struggling to trust. She does listen. Predictably, she's a bit pushy on the "Get out and join in" side - just at the point I have decided I have to "go with it" as regards levels of CFS with added bowel worries and NOT push myself. I think she "gets" that tho.

I haven't yet heard the other days crucial event - whether Ex has finally signed the last piece of the jigsaw with his solicitor today for the financial settlement of divorce. He hasn't returned the text - maybe hoping I'll ring, but I wont!

Christmas - for long term family reasons, I've never been a great fan. As a child I felt what my mum wanted from me was the "happy happy child" in order to `make HER feel OK. I felt I had to act and forever felt it my duty almost to have to make things OK for others and not me. I did enjoy christmases when DS was young but truth is I LIKE "low key" and thinking about things like the return of lighter days as the solstice passes and in quite a secular way the idea of a time of year when we think about peace. so I will be on my own except there happens to be a quaker meeting in the morning as its Sunday. I'll get Zooms and can enjoy the exhausting chaos of DGC at a safe distance and am seeing them afterwards at the New Year.

SweetpeaSue Thanks. This time of year is very sad for a lot of people. I'm very lucky in that I'm in good health, got a loving family, and have no recent bereavements (apart from Mr Cooper). Are you taking any painkillers? I went to see the bloke about the job - I hadn't had any details other than his address - he's a couple of years younger than me, had a stroke 4 years ago (and hasn't improved much, by his own admission). Got on great, found we've got the same sense of humour. His Social Worker will let me know, Thursday I think.

Anniebach I hope you won't be waiting long for a place at that home. Hospitals usually try to discharge as many patients as possible before Christmas, as they have a skeleton staff. Fingers crossed for you. Hope you've had some good meals today.

Eldest son isn't coming for tea, he's apparently been off work today and yesterday, with some bug or other (I didn't know or I might have gone there fussing over him ). Son2 here soon. Hope all on BD has a pleasant evening x

EllieAnne Just seen your post. Oh my that list does sound long. Oh it's so moving going to little children's concerts and seeing their little faces. Yes, do report back to us. Good luck!

Well I went out shopping, bought gift for Auntie, cards ect. Had coffee n cake. Came back and finally decorated tree. Looks more like Christmas now. Was saying to husband in coffee shop well Christmas is more about the children but I admit once I saw the lights on my tree I felt a little glow! That'll do me!

HVDY Sorry I should have said I thought it was a UTI and nurse practitioner said it 'sounded' like one and prescribed antibiotics. I realised after bleeding started it might not be and haven't taken any. Pain was bleeding. Oh I am sorry its the anniversary of your brothers death HVDY. That must hurt so much in the awful circumstances. Christmas always magnifies our losses doesn't it.
Oh I hope you get your job, that's interesting. I though for a moment you were going to say you were going to see a man about a dog!
Annie I hope you have had some nice food today but also that things are a little less boring there. I wonder if things are moving a little faster towards that good nursing home. It would be nice if you could get settled in before Christmas. Thinking of you.

My dd won’t come here. It’s too much stress for her. Last time I posted her presents they never arrived. I claimed it back from po but it’s not the same.
I’m going to be brave and ask him to go. Will report back later.
The things on my list are a mixture of choir things, gd s school concert and nativity, church things I’m helping at, church things I want to go to, card writing, present wrapping………

SweetpeaSue Oh, I'm so sorry you've got yet another UTI. I hope the tablets work soon to clear it up. The bleeding again must be getting you down. Could the GP prescribe anything to stop it? It must be driving you mad. I know what you mean about sad memories at Christmas - my brother died many years ago, today, aged 21. It was the day after our dad's birthday, and I think of them both more at this time of year.

I'm going out now to see a man about a part-time job (10hrs) x

EllieAnne You sound so stressed. I wonder if you asked husband once more too take something. Its awful not to have any help. Could you look at your list and go down it asking yourself 'does this really need to happen or be done?'
HVDY Your hairdresser sounds lovely! You sound so organised. It's so wonderful to have a DGC on the way too. My tree has stood bare for a week so must get round to decorating it soon. I hope to go out if my pain eases.
Wyllow Glad you are safely home. You will need to rest after your journey and will appreciate your own bed and quietness. It must be good to have seen your family and know that you have DILs support.
Allsorts Thankyou for the good wishes you sent us all. I really hope you're doing OK too.

I'm a bit 'bah humbug' I'm afraid. I had the news that the 'False passage' that was made a couple of years ago on 23rd of December. It was a shock and only admittance that was made that there'd been complications. I am trying to put on a face. Son comes home on Friday from offshore. Given more antibiotics yesterday as UTI suspected. Between DH going for the prescription and coming back, started bleeding again. Hoped to go out today but pain will have to go first. Thinking of all others who are not in tune with festivities this year. I know there are many on GN threads. Some lost dear close loved ones. I'm very sad for them and they're having a far worse time of it. My father died just before Christmas, (like Wyllow, I was 20). I think so much is expected of Christmas. I'm thinking of Whiff too. Dearie me, better go now.
Hope everyone gets done what they want to do today. X

Just popping in to say so sorry its so stressful for you Ellie Anne that awful "lists going round your head"feeling" - can't rest. I suppose they are too expensive to send?

Hoping your hear from the unit soon Doodle and HVDY well done well ahead of yourself there!

Wyllow3 You sound in need of a rest. I hope all goes well with the Psychologist. These things often turn out to be nothing like we think. My hairdresser is an Italian man, probably about 50 (his own salon). I'm always happy with the way he does my hair.

SweetpeaSue Hope you're feeling better today. Are you going out?

Doodle Yes, he's happy, apprehensive, excited, nervous, all of that, about the pregnancy. I hope your husband won't have to wait long for a referral.

EllieAnne Could your daughter collect the presents? Or ask your husband to take them?

I've got the tree up, the cards are all written, most of the presents are wrapped, and I'm now going to start the dinner for tonight - beef curry in the slow-cooker. Think both sons are coming later . I hope everyone on BD manages to have a decent day. x

Annie your day sounds very boring. Are you able to read? Are your family too far away for visits? I hope you get into your new home soon.
I am ok but very stressed. Need to take daughters presents down but have a lot of things on and don’t know what to cancel. He said he would go but ignored me last time I mentioned it and he has hurt shoulder. As soon as I wake up it’s all going round in my head and I’m writing lists. Don’t know what to do.

, Annie, sorry I thought you were in a home, somoeone told me you were when I enquired about your absence. Your routine dies sound very monotonous but it's wonderful you are now eating and enjoying food after so long and soon in a good nursing home.Caught upwith everyone's news and hope things get easier .

rafichagran thank you DH is feeling much better.nice to hear from you. Hope you are ok too.
HVDYcan’t believe how versatile your air fryer is. Never thought you could do a quiche. Your son must be so excited at the thought of becoming a dad.
Sorry you missed out on your aqua aerobics. Hope they get it fixed for next time. Hope you are pleased with your haircut.
Annie your routine doesn’t sound much fun. Hope you get moved to your nursing home soon then you can have your own room and your Alexa. Have they given you any idea when you might be able to move there?
Wyllow glad you have confided in your DIL. She sounds kind. Hopefully it will lead to a closer relationship.
Glad you’re home safely. You sound exhausted. Please try and rest now and I hope the psychologist appointment goes well tomorrow. DH won’t know much about his diagnosis until we have heard from the geriatric unit. Don’t know when that will be.
Sweetpeasue I’m pleased to hear from you. I was worried about you. Sorry you’ve had a sickness bug. There’s a lot of that and also a cold/ cough thing going around at the moment.
Hope you are starting to feel better now. Take care
Scaredycat have you been out? We went Christmas shopping today. It was quite chilly out but we managed to get a few bits.
Have you heard from your sister, is she ok?
Sleep well all

Thank you for your kind feedback. I’m home now and collapsed in exhausted heap but better for the chat.

I really had thought our communication had broken down - and it turns out a lot was my lack of courage in bringing stuff up. (tho she had made a couple of snarky comments in the last couple of months when she was very tired, but I should have let them pass over me)

Written off tomorrow for rest except I have the “Dreaded” psychologist, who I am sure will NOT turn out to be dreaded.

I’m sorry to hear how under the weather you have been Sweetpeasue. so much going on I’m not surprised you succumbed.

I hope you enjoyed the mop chop, HVDY. Have you a nice hairdresser natter wise? Your “essential items” made me smile.

Doodle wondering how DH is, hoping his investigations have found “something he can do about it”. Well done for getting the decorations up. (its on a “list” here).

Scaredycat glad to hear you got out for the switch on, tho yes, bitter-sweet.

Bests to all other BD’s, present, and just reading, and annie you can find a way to enjoy your jazz whilst you are eating for somewhere more settled.