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Dementia help needed please

(54 Posts)
HowdidIgetthisold12 Fri 03-Feb-23 14:52:45

For the last year my DH has been having problems with his speech retrieval and it's gradually been getting worse and worse. He has been to the GP and had blood tests and a head scan. They have now reported back that the blood flow to the brain is being restricted and asked him what other issues he is having. He downplayed the other issues (it was a telephone appointment) and said his memory wasn't as sharp and he often forgets where he put his pen glasses etc. It's more than that but they are making him an appointment at the Memory Clinic which I have read is the next step of the protocols for Dementia.
We are also having huge marital problems. I think it's all to do with the Dementia beginning to take hold. He's always been a bit of a fiery character, quite outspoken, determined and driven, but always very kind in the main although empathy and consideration have never been in his vocabulary but who gets everything in life? Now, he flies off the handle with me over the slightest thing and sometimes he's so angry he's red in the face and screaming in my face. I don't know this man.
The last altercation came 2 nights ago over the silliest thing and I told him I was done, I couldn't take any more of this behaviour and we should sell the house etc. The next thing I know he's ringing the children and telling them we are splitting up and he can't take anymore! He slept on the sofa for the first time in our relationship.
Since then we have only spoken in polite terms, he was out yesterday and didn't get back until late. Today he's gone out and not said a word to me. I know we have to talk and Im going to when he gets back but does anyone else have any experience of this? In some ways his behaviour is the same as it often was only now the aggression is added into the pot, ie complaining about this that and the other in shops etc.
I mean he could just be developing into Victor Meldrew but from his symptoms I doubt it.
I just don't know what to do, what if he says he thinks we should split up, what will happen to him? I don't like him very much (this has happened over the years tbh) but I care about him and love him and it's all so bloody sad.

Witzend Sun 05-Feb-23 10:46:31


People living with dementia are often able to put on a social facade. My mum was brilliant at it. So, he might not show that side of himself to the children.

My FiL was very good at it for short periods. Nobody who saw him in ‘normal’ mode would ever have believed that he could fly into truly terrifying rages over the tiniest thing - usually something over which I had no control anyway.

kittylester Sun 05-Feb-23 14:56:44

howdidigetthisold12, 8f you can get your dh to agree, it is possible to be registered with the gp as your dh's.

Failing that, you can ring your dh's gp and talk to them about it. They have a duty to listen to you even though they have a duty to maintain patient confidentiality by not passing on information about your dh to you.

HowdidIgetthisold12 Mon 06-Feb-23 15:33:54


I wonder if some of his recent behaviour is because he is aware of what is happening to him and he’s frightened about the/his future? flowers

yes, I think you may be right together with the PP who said it probably frightened him when I mentioned selling the house etc. It was said in a moment of anger and despair really. We spoke the next day and he said he wanted to start over. This awful incident has made me realise just how much I care about him and if I need to be even more tolerant then I will be. I read somewhere that you should never argue with a person who has dementia and I guess this is the way forward - as difficult as it may be sometimes.

HowdidIgetthisold12 Mon 06-Feb-23 15:34:33


*howdidigetthisold12*, 8f you can get your dh to agree, it is possible to be registered with the gp as your dh's.

Failing that, you can ring your dh's gp and talk to them about it. They have a duty to listen to you even though they have a duty to maintain patient confidentiality by not passing on information about your dh to you.

Thank you this is very helpful.

HowdidIgetthisold12 Mon 06-Feb-23 15:37:23


Please speak to your GP and let him / her know exactly what is happening . Get the ball rolling and do tell your children. 💐💐

I have told them about this and they are more than supportive of both of us.

wildswan16 Mon 06-Feb-23 15:42:59

It is so difficult isn't it? It will be helpful for you to list all the things your husband is finding difficult, along with his reactions to different events etc.

Write them all down - just briefly - and if he is willing ensure you accompany him to his appointments with GP and memory clinic etc. If necessary just hand the paper over and say that "this" is what you and your children are noticing and are worried about.

Norah Mon 06-Feb-23 15:43:10


*howdidigetthisold12*, 8f you can get your dh to agree, it is possible to be registered with the gp as your dh's.

Failing that, you can ring your dh's gp and talk to them about it. They have a duty to listen to you even though they have a duty to maintain patient confidentiality by not passing on information about your dh to you.

I talked to Mum's gp about Mum slipping into dementia.

Insidious disease.

Mum was very good at politely hiding her problem.

To her gp I mentioned some things that might begin an outburst and upset to her. Her gp well used that information.

Good Luck.

kittylester Mon 06-Feb-23 15:51:14

My mum was a demon at the Social Facade. When she was having a memory test, she was asked to remember a specific address. Putting on her best snobby voice she asked, 'Why, do we know them?' grin

Callistemon21 Mon 06-Feb-23 16:54:05

kittylester and others would know more about this than me but, from knowing people with dementia and Alzheimer's, it seems to present differently and yes, some people are very adept at hiding it to all but those closest to them are the ones who bear the brunt.

My relative declined fairly rapidly but was cheerful and seemed happily bemused. She hardly knows anyone now.
A friend declined more slowly and did become violent at one stage, had to be hospitalised, but medication has helped. His wife still cares for him at home.

It's hard, and I hope you get a proper diagnosis asap, HowdidIgetthisold12 and the help you both urgent help you both need.

When you say he went out, may I ask if he's still driving or has the GP informed DVLA?

kittylester Mon 06-Feb-23 18:02:01

A diagnosis doesn't mean an automatic driving ban but the DVLA should be informed as soon as a diagnosis is made. The DVLA will usually contact the gp.

Callistemon21 Mon 06-Feb-23 19:27:30

Oh, thanks, interesting and rather worrying.

M0nica Mon 06-Feb-23 22:49:25

kittylester The ban is not automatic, but I have yet to meet someone for whom the ban was rescinded.

Whiff Tue 07-Feb-23 05:57:48

When my mom first became aware her memory was getting worse she said don't let me go do ally tap. Meaning mad. I had to explain what was happening to her and that I would look after her. Her decline started 4 years before she died before she had her second mastectomy aged 86. The last 18 months of her life I had her come to live with me as it was easier and safer for mom and me. I couldn't put my mom in a home. I knew to many who had relatives in homes and ended up with awful sores on their bodies.

Mom's decline got worse but I always got her to do things I know she could but she had forgotten how to do them so showed and talked her through how to do them. Mom loved to brush her teeth 3 times a day so had to talk her through doing it. Had to keep telling her not to swallow the toothpaste. We used to laugh about that .

The violence started as vocal and I didn't know my mom
knew some of the swear words she came out with. The last 4 months where hell on earth as I got physically attacked multiple times a day . She was bed ridden by then but always used the commode and never once wet or soiled herself even though she had insisted on wearing a thick pad for the last 6 months of her life. I am very proud of the fact my mom didn't have a sore on her body.

To call dementia violence abuse is so wrong . My mom didn't know what she was doing . And I came to realise the violence came out of fear. She didn't know where she was and who she was and thought I was her mom . She used to love looking at family photos but became upset when she didn't recognise anyone especially my dad.

Dementia violence is awful to be on the receiving end but my mom had never laid a hand on me my whole life until then. And the first time she bit me was an awful shock and very upsetting. I have scars from what mom did . But it wasn't my mom . My mom had died but her body lived on. Luckily she didn't attack anyone else. I was her sole carer 24/ 7 my choice . The Christmas before she died my brother and sister in law had her for 4 days so I could spend Christmas with my children. She wasn't physically violent but they both said they don't know how I coped as it was hard for the 2 of them looking after her.

I didn't take the violence personally as my mom didn't know what she was doing. I grieved for my mom while she was alive and hoped everytime she went to sleep she wouldn't wake up . Sounds wicked but my mom would have hated what she became and if she had been aware she would have tried to end her life.

Like I said I realised the violence was due to my mom's fear. She didn't know who she was ,where she was or who I was . Dementia violence is through fear my mom didn't deliberately hurt me she didn't know what she was doing or why. I would never call it abuse as abusers know what they are doing my mom didn't.
It's amazing how strong the dementia fear can make a person. My mom was 4' 10" and weighted about 6 st. I kept her finger nails very short but she still marked me. But it wasn't my mom .

While I hated the violence I could never hate my mom it wasn't her . I didn't take it personally as she didn't do it because of hate but fear.

It's very hard to see the person you love change so much but unfortunately none of us know how we will end up.

Mom died in her sleep aged 90 in 2017. I was 58.

There is help from the dementia and Alzheimer's society so if you need to contact them they will help. My sister in law's mom had dementia and went to a centre once a week to give her dad a break he looked after her until he was 87 but had to put her in a home it broke his heart to do that . She had become violent. She died last year in hospital after a fall in the home. She had been in the home since just before Covid hit.

Only you know how much you can cope with a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's. Don't suffer on your own get help talk to your GP and family .

kittylester Tue 07-Feb-23 06:42:32


kittylester The ban is not automatic, but I have yet to meet someone for whom the ban was rescinded.

We have had a few people on courses whose relatives are still driving.

Certainly not many, but it is by no means an across the board ban.

pascal30 Tue 07-Feb-23 10:56:18

My friend's mother who is 90 and has short term memory loss, has recently has recently taken some sort of DVLA assessment and is still allowed to drive. It is hugely worrying for my friend who doesn't live close to her, but her mother is very strong willed and insists on going to her local shops in her car.. Seems wrong to me.

dogsmother Tue 07-Feb-23 11:28:45

He must while he has acceptance act also on things like power of attorney. Sensible actions now must be considered. By you and all your family, this not an easy ride I wish you well xx

M0nica Tue 07-Feb-23 21:27:52

whiff, you are amazing.

Whiff Wed 08-Feb-23 06:59:17

MOnica thank you but I am just a normal woman . I was brought up with a strong family ethic . Family was everything to my parents. My dad didn't know what a real family was until he met my mom same with my husband . They both got the family they deserved . I grew up with a large extended family mom still saw her cousins. So my brother and me knew our great aunt's and uncles .

I have never abandoned family just because it's hard. I hated my in laws but my husband loved his parents but didn't like them. From when we started courting in 1975 they showed how much they didn't like me or my family. Think they where surprised when we married. We saw them every week and if they did something horrible or said something we would walk out but still went back the next week. My husband wouldn't give up on them. So after his death I never gave up on his mom as horrible as she was I couldn't she was my husband's mom and our children's nan. Even thought she told people she had no son or grandchildren. She survived my husband but 11 years and it was me who sat by her bedside while she died not her own family. But because of my unbringing family means something to me the good ,bad and down right awful . I know some people who haven't any living blood family and the family they married into disappeared after their spouse died.

There are thousands of people like me of all ages who looked and are looking after family members with various illnesses . We do it because of love .

M0nica Wed 08-Feb-23 07:49:08

Whiff Ihave been blessed with family I love, including DH's family and my lovely DDil and her family. However I have never had to do day to day care. My parents and PiL all died after brief illnesses, or had a spouse to care for them in their last few years. They needed someone with them, rather than physical care. I have been responsible for the care of childless aunts and uncles on both sides of the family, but, again, they were in care homes, near where they lived so that friends could still visit them. Unfortunately none lived that near, so it meant years of endlessly driving hundreds of miles up and down motorways to visit them regularly.

animsaj Tue 28-Feb-23 12:16:56

Try CBD oil 30 or 40% after one month of regular use you will see bug results. My family member had the same issues and hemp oil regenerated her, but don’t take less than 30%.

Georgesgran Tue 28-Feb-23 14:18:21

You seem to be a fan of various herbal remedies animas and are recommending some for weak bladder problems. Do you have a vested interest?

Georgesgran Tue 28-Feb-23 14:19:04

Sorry animsaj

sodapop Tue 28-Feb-23 16:45:30

So sorry to hear of your problems HowdidIgetthisold it must be both worrying and frightening for you and your husband.
Do get all the help and support you can from family and professionals, Admiral Nurses support carers as well as patients. Don't hide anything but keep a note of your husband's behaviour, that's the only way you will get the help you need.
There are wonderful examples on Gransnet of families caring for their loved ones with dementia but do remember this is not for everyone. We are not all cut out to be carers and sometimes with the best will in the world its sadly not possible.
I wish you and your husband well and hope you can access the help you need.

farview Wed 01-Mar-23 08:56:28

Re driving, my H was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in December..DVLA were notified and he was allowed to take an assessment test..which he passed and therefore allowed to drive..but then we received MRI results showing vascular dementia also...and hes had four seizures recently related to the again not allowed to drive...he is quite aggressive, when he picks up the car keys and I remind him that he isn't allowed to drive...also very abusive in the mornings when I pass him his medication...which he doesn't think that he needs...our middle son just came over from Australia to spend time with his dad..and H did a very good job of hiding his aggression towards me...its a cruel, horrible disease...and aim finding,..very very wearing for partners....

Norah Wed 01-Mar-23 13:31:56