Black Dog 15

(puts a hand out to Sweetpeasue. )

had a decent day in my head thanks to a gym visit where lots of support but I had to dig my car out it took an hour and am totally out of it tired wise. I've read and listened so love to you all.

Just Ellie Anne please go to church and face down the beast in your mind as much as you can. Yes it's so hard. concentrate on taking to the people who appreciate you they are there.....don't let her win any more... than I can let Ex "win" in my head.

Doodle Such a shame your DH had nausea last night, you might have made it through. I hope the GP can help on Monday with his legs. My aunt has the sort of legs described shiny and red and dry in lower legs. She was told to use Aqueous cream on them too. Hope the cough at least is staying away.
Whiff You are so helpful to everyone and say such nice things and I know you have so much to contend with yourself. My blood tests recently showed I was low in iron though not anaemic so advised to take iron tablets. Though havent bled for 3 mths until last Saturday.
Candy The anxiety must be high to keep you out of your home. I think you're very brave to go swimming on your own. The more I read of everyone's situation on BD the more I realise how very different we are in what makes us insecure or anxious. I'm afraid of socialising with anyone I dont know. I think it must be a case of getting comfortable doing certain things. Thankyou for the explanation of copy/paste. I will try it. Might have to wait until my head is clearer.
HVDY I hope that sore ankle is not bothering you too much. I do think it must be lovely to have your sons pop by so often. Did you do baking with GGds?
EllieAnne I feel the loneliness of your posts and its so sad. I wish I knew what to say. I sometimes feel I cant post when I'm feeling so very bad so I understand that feeling. You mustn't let anything stop you from going to church if you think it might help you.
Wyllow I'm so sorry about the extra hurt that your ex has caused by his disloyalty. Have you been ok today?Hope the blackdog didmt return.
Scaredycat
What a time you're both having with this covid - you're really being put through the mill. I hope the facetime with your sister cheers you a bit. You have so looked forward to this for so long.

I'm feeling extremely low.I had such bad bladder pain in early hrs yesterday and it lasted most of the day. I thought it would ease and I took everything I could. It was so bad I was forced to ring surgery at 1-00 but Dr that called was not helpful. He just said youve had a scan so there's nothing more I can do. I didn't believe it was UTI as Id tested on strips. He would be v busy being a Friday but I wouldnt have called if I hadnt so much pain. I can't think they realise how bad it all is. I took more oramorph and eventually it let up. Set to call 111 today but Ive been ok just usual tenderness. I'm not sure if they realise there must be 3 separate problems. Didnt think Id be able to post today but you've all so much going on and I do care. Sometimes everything seems too much. I went out for some bits with DH but I cant stop crying. The whole world seems in such a state and I cant see any hope anywhere. I feel Im sinking.

Thank you candy. I’m the opposite from you. I sit in coffee shops because I never have the house to myself and am so stressed at home. I read do crossword and cross stitch and go for walks to get some space.

Hi again
Ellie Anne I hate those days that feel long and boring and I’m sorry you have been unable to visit your friend. I’m not good with lack of routine and get anxious when plans change. Do you have a hobby? I don’t but I would like one. I know people who do and it’s such a good distraction. Could you arrange to meet one of your boys half way? I always try to have a plan to do something each day as otherwise my mood lowers and I get anxious. I’m currently sat in a coffee shop, just because I don’t like being home alone much (my husband will be there later). Please still go to Church and try not to let that woman spoil it for you. I’m sure there will be many other people there to distract you and it will give you something to look forward to. Try and find something of interest on the TV tonight and treat yourself to something nice to eat. Thinking about you and sending you a big hug xx
Scaredycat your fitness will return. It’s surprising how quickly once you’re well again. You’ll just need to build it up. My swimming was ok thanks although I don’t enjoy it that much if I’m honest. It didn’t help that I had the equivalent of Mark Spitz in the lane next to me, doing underwater turns and everything! Still, we all have to start somewhere I suppose. What good news in that you can FaceTime your sister too. You must be over the moon.
HVDY glad you enjoyed your family time and hope you enjoy your evening too.
Best wishes all xx

This is being a very long day. Had nothing arranged but a friend said to pop in . However when I drove past her car was missing so she must have forgotten.
I m so tense I feel my whole body is on edge.keep having to force myself to relax my shoulders!
My boys are both about an hour away and dd is hundreds of miles.
If only they were closer and could just drop in.
All I want to do is go to bed and shut everything out.
Will go to church tomorrow but worried about that woman.
I do think about you all even if I am not around.

ScaredyCat Glad you're both starting to feel a bit better. Yes, I was extremely ill (I'd been ill for 11 days before I was put in an induced coma for 2 weeks). I hadn't had the jabs then. I lost almost 2 stone altogether, as I was unable to swallow for a while, due to the stroke. I've put it all back on, plus another stone .

Son1 and the girls have been here for a while, and have just gone. Son2 is off to his GF's again, so DH and I will have another quiet evening. Hope everyone's day has been ok x

Hi all.
HVDY- thank you. DH is improving a bit as GP gave him some anti sickness and anxiety meds as he was quite distressed- so unlike him. He’s lost a stone in just over a week!! Good to see him eat again today. I feel very nauseous too but just somehow make myself eat something. We have a way to go but hopefully each day will be a bit bettter. You had such a tough Covid time I feel like a bit of a wimp😩
Hope you had happy Luther dreams last night.
Love that your sons are so close to you- the new house sounds lovely.
Doodle- hope the GP can help with your DH legs. It never ceases to amaze me how he always stays so positive with so much to contend with. Glad he had such a good sleep.
It must be so lovely for you both that your boys live close by and you are able to see them often.
Wyllow- yep we,re hangin on in there as you say!! We sure will appreciate feeling better - whenever that will be.
What a piece of work your ex was- he did not deserve you that’s for sure.
Whiff- hope you are having a good day at least you are snow free. We didn’t have any thank goodness.
Candy- glad your husband feels better today. I can understand why he gets nervous though.
My Son lives hundreds of miles away too and it has taken years to get used to. I,m now just happy that for him it is better for his MH to be where he is.
Thank you for your advice re GGS - we,ll have to see how it all works out. Hope your friend gets better soon- it really has been much harder than we thought and both of us are totally worn out. The worst part is that in such a short time I can feel my fitness has deteriorated really badly. The combination of AF and Covid has wiped me out and walking was my happy thing. Still must build it up again and stop moaning. Not so easy as I,m an old bird!!
Hope you enjoyed swimming practice- such good exercise.

Tomorrow my sister and I will Face Time for the first time in 10 weeks.!! She is feeling strong enough for a little chat - can’t believe the day has actually come.

SweetPeaSue,EllieAnne,and all BD friends past,present and future wishing you a peaceful evening xx

Morning all. I read yesterday but didn’t get chance to respond. DGS school shut again and my husband was poorly so was nursemaid! I was a bit worried as he said he felt he had a ‘funny turn’ during the night, then felt really dizzy and sick all day. I think he worries more about ‘head’ related things as his brother died at 54 from a brain tumour and I think it plays on his mind a bit. He’s also been very lucky in that he’s hardly ever ill but is a very resilient person. It comes from years of being self employed and just having to carry on. Anyway, he’s feeling much better today so I’m relieved.
Sweetpeasue Re. Copy and pasting - yes, you do have to create an email on your own email account then copy and paste to GN. To copy you click/press on the words you want to copy then the “select/select all” message appears. Once you’ve highlighted what you want to copy, another message will appear enabling to you to copy the text. Then go to where you want to past it, click and paste! It might sound a bit complicated but once you’ve done it you’ll become familiar with the process. Good luck! I’m glad you’re pain has eased and your tooth is ok.
HVDY my pasta dish - no I didn’t cook anything else. They just got on with it . Won’t be doing it again though. I’ve been motivated to try different things when my DD comes to eat since she turned vegetarian about 12 months ago. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. I’m glad your DH’s legs and feet were better and I hope this is still the case. I envy you have both your sons close by. My daughter lives 2 miles away too but my son lives over 250 miles away . It’s odd really as he was a real homebird when he was younger. I think what happened with his illness made him ambitious and determined to do something big and I’m very, very proud of him but at the same time very sad as I miss him so much. I’m not saying that others can’t be ambitious and do well where they live but he wanted to do it the big city. As I’ve previously mentioned, its the cause of some of my MH issues but it’s complicated. I’ll get there and my hope is that one day he’ll move closer but because he wants to not because he has to (he tried a few times and had to come back due to his health). I must check out Luther on Netflix. We’re not very good at looking what’s on other TV stations. Others seem to watch all sorts and I’m sure we can get them, just don’t.
Doodle I can understand DH’s new meds causing you some anxiety. It’s a big decision and one you must both feel comfortable with. I hope the current situation with his legs is sorted and you get some medical advice soon. These things always seem to happen at weekends don’t they when proper medical advice is harder to come by. Fingers crossed he gets sorted.
Wyllow I’m sorry your DGD has multiple problems. It’s must be so difficult to live with that knowledge. I often wonder how people cope, but the reality is they do and learn a level of acceptance to enable them to carry on. I admire their resilience, I really do. Your sister sounds like she deserves her retirement with her lovely alpacas after what must have been a stressful career. I wish her well. I admire too your determination in still using the treadmill. Sometimes you do have to really push yourself to do things. I certainly do and mostly I’m glad I did. You’ve been through so much too with your ex, I feel for you and I hope you’re feeling ok today.
Scaredycat I’m sorry your GGS has to follow the liquid diet. It’s what they do when they’re young to give the bowel a rest. It’s a difficult regime to follow, but it does work. I think it depends on where you’re treated as different hospitals have different approaches so if they find it too difficult then it may be worth looking at other options too. I wish I’d found my son’s Hospital sooner then things may have been different. I’ll never know. Sorry you’re still struggling with Covid. My friend has had it all week and she is too. Awful thing and it just won’t go away. I hope you are feeling better today.
Whiff Glad you’re snow has gone. It looks pretty but makes getting around so difficult. Your condition seems to be well managed but I’m sorry things have been so difficult for you. I’m sorry too that you lost your husband. Life deals us some heavy blows sometimes. Your daughter sounds very caring though and I’m sure she’s of great support to you. Well done for continuing to exercise even if you don’t feel like it. One things for sure, it definitely helps us so try to keep going.

Hope everyone has a good day today. I’m going to practice my swimming later. I’m not very good but practice makes perfect as they say! Love to all xx

Doodle Is it perhaps due to oedema then? See what the GP says. Perhaps you could ask your doctor to send a link so that you could forward a photo to him/her. That's what they do at our surgery. My feet and legs, so far, are not hurting and don't hurt. Thanks for asking. I'm glad you both had a better sleep. It makes all the difference, I think.

Son1 here later, with his girls. He and DH are going to look at the brakes on his car, so I'll see if the GDs fancy doing some baking x

Thanks both for your comments.
Whiff DH has blood cancer so has a complete set of bloods done every three months. He did also have one done last week at the surgery but liver tests were normal. Thanks for the suggestion though.
I put aqueous cream on DHs legs as advised by vascular nurse.
Hope you’re having a good day.
HVDY I thought of that as well but I don’t think it is as his legs are not hot. He has redness brown staining on his legs most of the time due to vascular insufficiency but they are particularly red at the moment. Gp saw them on Tuesday when they were very red and swollen and felt them then.
We have a phone call booked with GP on Monday so will talk to her about it then.
How are your legs feeling? Are they any better?
We had quite a good night really. Despite DH feeling nauseous for a while he then went back to sleep till gone 9am this morning.
Have a good day all.

Doodle Could it be Cellulitis? Although I've had that, and the skin was hot to the touch. If I were you, I'd ring 111. Your husband's medical history is so complex, he really needs some advice from a doctor. Both my sons are home birds. Son2 has never lived so far from us (7 miles). When he originally left home at 25, he lived 3 doors from us .

I hope all BDers are alright today x

Doodle has your husband's liver been tested? Why I ask is when I had jaundice my legs from knee down were very taught and shiny. Very painful , hot to the touch and felt as if they where on fire and itchy. I know he hasn't got jaundice but if he hasn't had his liver function tested it might be an idea to get it done via a blood test and ultrasound on his liver. I had jaundice in 2017 and still have to use Dermol 500 lotion on my skin once everyday . If my skin feels itchy during the day I put some extra on and it stops the itch. Luckily I suffered no lasting liver damage. It was drug induced jaundice 2 tablets I had been on since 1992 gave it to me. Mind you I couldn't see I was yellow and thought I had flu🤦. Only when I had to have my GP out did she say did you know you are yellow. Emergency admission onto an acute ward. And seriously.ill for 5 months. Then told people with my bilirubin levels normally died when my gastrologist discharged me.

Didn't want you to think I was a heavy drinker infact I am teetotal and have been for 35 years since my HPX syptoms got worse and on a lot of tablets.

Well all the snows gone hope everyone else's has to.

HVDY up until yesterday his legs didn’t hurt but then a few times he mentioned they felt like they had sunburn. They are very taught and shiny. Not a good look and worrying.
I hope yours get to feel better soon.
2 miles isn’t far at all. Both your sons like to be near their mum I think 😊. We are lucky ours live close too about 15 mins away.
Hope you are sleeping well.
Wyllow that’s a lot of snow. I could pop over and we could build a snowman. Hope you’re sleeping well.
We are up later than usual and bizarrely not RLS but nausea due to water pills I think.

ScaredyCat You've had such a lot of upsets these last few months. It's no wonder you're still not well. I hope you and your DH improve over the weekend. I hope your GS won't need to be on the liquid diet for too long.

Wyllow 10 inches of snow . The roads and pavements here are all clear now. You must have felt so betrayed by your ex. What a manipulative person he is.

Doodle Do your husband's legs hurt? My right ankle feels very sore, as though it's been scraped, but there's nothing there. How is your husband feeling in himself? Our son is moving 2 miles away, and the house is on a lovely private estate, similar to ours - but his house is bigger than ours, and has a garage. We've driven past, and it looks very nice.

DH and I just watched the new Luther film on Netflix and enjoyed it. Such a sexy man (apart from his bowlegs). Hope all BDers manage to have a good night's sleep. I'm off to dream of D.I. John Luther................ x

Doodle glad to hear MrD feels a little better. Baby steps x

All is quiet here. DH isn’t coughing. In fact he’s hardly coughed at all all day. Fingers crossed this will continue.
Wyllow I’m so sorry about your DGD. It must worry you all so much the thought of losing her. Our DGC are so precious.
How is the treadmill working out?
Despite all you have been though with your Ex, it must still have been a shock to discover he was getting involved with other women whilst still with you. Just one more betrayal.
We had another up and down night but DH says he feels better in himself.
Whiff your garden does look pretty. The snow looks quite deep. I did a sit fit class on a cruise once……..I fell off.
It’s good you go and try and make it every week. It’s amazing how quickly we can lose muscle tone and movement.
HVDY so pleased you had a better night with your legs. DH’s are very red. I am worried about them but they are not hot to touch. Sounds like you will have your house and your second bedroom back soon. Have you seen where your son is moving to? Is it close by?
Scaredycat I’m sorry you are both feeling so poorly. DH and I have both had Covid but fortunately for us we didn’t suffer much.
It will be very hard for your DGSs family. Poor boy having to watch others eat. Still better if it keeps him healthy.
Do you have anyone shopping for you or checking you’re ok?
Hope you both feel better soon.
Sleep well all.

What nice long and thoughtful posts Whiff.

Everything has come all at once and all too much Scaredeycat its understandable its hard to hang on in there xx

HVDY it was very heavy snow 10 inches deep that closed off my going out options today, I'm glad you had a decent sleep.

We had a power cut too tho snow looked lovely in the sun.

Emotionally my delayed reaction function of not feeling/recognising powerful anger hit me badly today (comes out as anxiety and despair) needed extra meds and managed to write about it

It was of course about Ex's asking other women out when he was still professing love and I was helping him -

and it dawning on me - had probably been going on months last year and I knew nothing -

but remained loyal until much later in my mind out of respect and I suppose his constant "Training" of me for 11 years about how loyalty to each other was no 1 "no no" and never to even speak disloyally (and I broke that on here first on my first BD space before I did to people in Life)).

Supressing anger I''ve always said here for me ....has always had a depressive outcome, or a making me physically ill ..

.*an outcome almost like self poisoning, like swallowing something instead of dealing with it.*

Mind you, it took the last longish bout of therapy (2008-2014) to even recognise the emotion in me "anger" as in towards other people, it was somehow so out of order.

(mind you anger about political and social things has always been OK, as its more abstract, its the way as a child we were taught to channel anger, never allowed to feel it to each other)

But a lot of last year when Eastenders like tings were happening - you know, police called, threats of "if I were violent you'd be dead" try stuff from him - I didnt get angry just calm and fooled both myself and my then MH worker about how well I was coping, its all got stored up and ingested.

Doodle - how did things go last night? Did eat able change make much difference? How are you both today?

Bests to all other BD's...writers and readers both.

Hi everybody.
I,m feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment.
Our Covid is awful and we are both struggling mentally and physically with it. Can’t believe after 5 jabs the bugger has got us😩

My Great Grandson now has to go on a liquid diet for quite a while - he’s only 8 . But as has been said at least he will now get the treatment to help him. Very hard when his sister eats everything in sight!!
Doodle- hope you got some decent rest last night. Hopefully the meds situation will show up quite quickly if you are right or not.🤞
Wyllow- I am sorry you have a beloved GD so poorly. As you say enjoy the days together while you canxx Glad the BD didn’t hang around.
Whiff- thank you for your encouraging words re my GGS.
I hope you never get Covid- it’s the pits.
HVDY- oh what plans for you today with no AAerobics. We have no snow but my sister in the Peaks has shedloads.
Wow what a long sleep- I never ever do that- it must have done you good- I expect it helped that your legs were a bit better.
SweetPeaSue- those lost messages are beyond annoying. I have never copied and pasted either. I,m just so happy I can do the basics! Well done at the dentist - it’s never quite as bad as our imagination works us up to is it.
Love to all not mentioned and sorry I,ve not written much I,m done in. Take care allxxxxxx

Doodle My mum used to have hot and painful legs, but she had varicose veins and used to get Phlebitis. My legs/feet were much better last night, thanks. Hope you both managed to get some sleep last night.

SweetpeaSue I slept 8 hours last night (apart from waking once for a wee), thanks. I hope your pain didn't come back last night. Does the Oramorph help?

Wyllow Having a child with disabilities affects the whole family, and is so worrying, but as you say, it's a case of living for today. My nephew (in his 50s) has got 13 year old twins, one of whom is extremely disabled (can't sit, stand, talk or anything), but somehow she's always grinning. They all love her. Son2 should hopefully be moved by the beginning of April. How's your back now?

Whiff Hope the snow doesn't hang about for long. It's thawing here now, and the sun is shining.

Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day. No aqua today - the virtual machine thingy has broken x

Sweetpeasue I must admit haven't been to the dentist for 8 years . I don't mind what I spend on my glasses but unless I have problem with my teeth I don't go. It's so expensive . Do you have regular blood tests to check you aren't anaemia with all your bleeding .

Candy glad you enjoy your Pilates class.. I do a sit fit class . No matter how bad I feel or how much the pain is I still go as I always feel better afterwards and enjoy the company . We encourage eachother and eggs us on to do more than we think we can. Our instructor is great and there are usually 10-14 in the class. It's only round the corner from where I live at the church we do our class in the cafe. Nice comfy chairs to sit on. But do some stand up exercises.. Plus this week we did circuit training. Fit for our age and ability but it was fun. But its amazing how long a minute is when doing bicep curls with a 2kg weight. My arms felt like jelly but did it.

JPB123 I found this group of wonderful woman a great support and felt welcomed from the start. They all have more to put up with than me but there courage and strength and none non sensuous approach to.life spurs me on to do better.

Sorry haven't got around to everyone else. But I do read how you are doing and wish you all the best . You all keep me going. 😘

Scaredycat sorry I didn't see you had Covid . I hope the symptoms aren't to severe and you get better soon. Must say I have been very lucky not to have had it yet . Have been exposed to it several times. I do a LFT test every Saturday it's just part of my health regime like taking my BP every morning before a cuppa or breakfast. If I feel off take an extra LFT if needed.

HVDY glad you got seen so quickly. If it wasn't for my neurologist having the genetic blood tests done I still wouldn't know what I was born with only took 64 years to find out but better late than never. At least thanks to him haven't had a limb jerk or seizure for 3 years. He increased my Clonazepam to 1mg twice a day from 500micrograms twice a day and finally don't feel like I have planks tied to my legs. I can bend my knees walking again. Still have all my usually problems but have lived with the worse ones for 35 years it's just become my life.

Doodle it's horrible watching the other half of you suffer and there's nothing you can do to make it better. I hated the feeling of being helpless to take my husband's pain away. With my husband it seems so unfair he was fit and healthy and yet he died . And I have been ill my whole life. But like he said he knew I was damaged goods when we first went out the cheeky sod. It didn't phase him when I got worse in 1988 he just said we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family. And the children never missed out on anything even with a disabled mom. I never used the D word until I had my diagnosis last year. It always seemed wrong to me but doctors always told me I was. My husband never had car rage but wheelchair rage. He was a bugger and went for anyone who cut infront of me.

Wyllow hope you back is feeling better. Why is it backs and necks can go out at the slightest movement . Doesn't seem to happen to other parts of the body .

My daughter has text will have to go for the moment she worries if I don't text back.

Scaredycat sorry to hear your grandson's diagnosis. But it's good to have it and will get all the help they need to treat it and soon it will become a way of life for them all. Better to know while is he young and the treatment for Crohn's is so much more advanced than it was.

I have a friend with it she's older than me and didn't get diagnosed until she was in her 30's and the treatment wasn't very good. I remember she had a card to show shop owners if she needed the loo so they would let her use the staff toilets. She was told she would never have children but she had a daughter and is a nan .

I know it's going to take a lot of adjustment for your grandson as he won't be able to eat what everyone else his age can. But children are far more adaptable than adults. And the treatments will help him thrive .

Wyllow I am glad that lady at the gym told you about your ex . It must have been difficult for her to decide whether to tell you or not . But you will probably find more woman saying the same thing. The gym will still be a safe place for you because you were brave enough to talk to your trainer and everyone will know what a piece of work your ex is especially with what that lady told you.

This is what I woke to this morning and it's still snowing. Apparently it's a rare sight here as its to windy for snow to stick. Will be the first time lot of children have seen snow that's stuck.. Will post this and read other pages to catch up will everyone else. Be back .

Scaredycat really sorry to hear about the diagnosis. Poor lad to start with that. Hope treatment can help even a little. It is hard to live with the knowledge that a DGC is poorly and life going to be unexpected and difficult.

( My DGD with multiple disabilities at any point could deteriorate and not be with us long. What can I say - the family adjust and live for the day and there is a lot of love.)

Candy definitely “one of those days!” Sister has a small farm ….and the money for alpacas.. a lifelong hard working life as a doctor with her DH has ended in this retirement plan.

Sweetpeasue that session with he counsellor sounded both hard work - but you felt understood and believed, which sin very short supply for you atm. Hoping pain is less tonight.

Doodle” have the best night you and *MrD can. I think you are right to give the tablet "tweaking" a go for at least a few nights.

HVDY…..phew, thank goodness, a free bed! How long before it can become regular now?

Well the black Dog came and then went and I had a walk on the treadmill.

HVDY Hopefully you will get a better night tonight. Its v frustrating with the snoring problem. The leg pain must be horrible. I think pain can be difficult to describe actually, especially if its something you've not experienced before.
Doodle I'm sure you want to make the very best decision for your DH and that you will feel anxiety in trying to make the 'right' one. We are only human and we do our best. The rest we can only pray for if we believe or even feel inclined. I do wish you both a restful night tonight send love.

Scaredycat I am sorry about your DGS. What a worry for you and his family. I don’t know much about it but hope he isn’t too I’ll with it. I think you have to be careful what you eat don’t you? Hopefully having got the diagnosis now it will help to find a way of living with it and getting the right treatment.
Candy you’ve had a couple of wasted trips today.
Think you made a good decision to do the Pilates. All exercise helps.
Sweetpeasue oh no, you’ve lost a message too. That’s so frustrating. Hope you are feeling better tonight.
HVDY my mother had really hot feet at night and used to sleep with a fan pointing at them every night, Hope you have a better night tonight.
Wyllow hope you are keeping warm and relaxing at home.
Ellie Anne wondering how you are too.
I’m off to bed soon. I didn’t sleep much last night just kept going over whether or not it was a good idea for DH not to take the meds the GP wanted, hoping tonight we will both get some sleep.
Take care all and sweet or no dreams x