Black Dog 15

Hello all.
SweetPeaSue- so glad you got a nice GP who listened and hope you soon get your CT scan.
I,m just so sorry you have to suffer so much.
You are right the past shapes us and our life experiences certainly make us who we are.
I hope you will be able to get out tomorrow even if it’s just to be in the fresh air.
HVDY- hope you enjoyed your farm visit - it sounds like it would be fun. We like anything that involves a few animals!!
I too think my sister must be stronger than she looks- she is very tiny.
I,m so sorry about your brother what a terrible thing to have happened xx
Yes I think it’s time you saw the GP about your legs then you can ask her about the BP pills.
Wyllow- AF is lonely - it’s another one of those conditions where you look OK and feel anything but. Weirdly many people can have it and not be aware of it- I wish. FB has a support group which I dip into.
My son has loss of memory of his past as a result of the trauma he suffered in my family’s tragedy. I think it his brains survival mechanism.
I do admire your determination to go to the gym even though you don’t always feel like it. You must be exhausted now - I know just what you mean about chatting wearing you out - take it easy this afternoon xx
Doodle- glad the cold pad was able to help but sorry that yet again you hve both had a broken night.
Yes I didn’t understand why we weren’t told about my sister having sepsis but it does explain why she was so terribly ill. Also her immune system is very compromised due to her cancer. BUT- today she texted again and said the physios were really kind and she was sleeping better in her new room😀 Thank you for your kindness as always.
We,ve had a walk today- so many snowdrops so thoughts of Annie were never far away.
Joanne- thanks for your kind wishes
Candy- glad you enjoyed your reunion it must have been so nice to see everyone again. I,m sorry your Mum had to have ECT it must have been traumatic for her. When my Mum was hospitalised for Manic Depression she begged my sister and I not to let anyone treat her with it. I,m so glad they didn’t do it as she was so frightened .
Hope too you have as good a day as possible.x
Love to all

Love and thoughts to you, Cindy, too. we cross posted. How are you getting on?

Yes my mum had ECT too but that was back in the days it was common. Hard to tell if it helped or not, personally I think the actual care given in the 1970's in a hospital where there was actually Real Care for as long as needed as well as one drug the helped - no discharge until ready.

It's far too long ago to get angry about mine, but it was actually given before talking therapy was offered to me, which was very wrong.

I did meet one person in the inpatient ward whom it helped a lot -she was depressed to the point of being catatonic. So I think it can still be useful in rare cases.

It was a real struggle to go to the gym today, too tired to shower, and a bit sad that I found having a chat with a nice regular exhausting, but that had me pondering about bowel stuff and CFS. so googled:
and there the link was to most of my symptoms (except the complications of past adhesions which may just make it a ++) on many pages of reliable information. If I add in the years of certain meds and their effect....I'm glad to say that at last my specialist CFS appointment is at last coming up on Monday to discuss these matters. I'm not seeing a medic, its an OT, but she should be au fait with this.

Afternoon all. Just catching up as didn’t manage to read posts yesterday.
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry you are still in pain. I hope your scan appointment comes through soon as you need to get this sorted. It must be so frustrating for you. Thinking about you.
Ellie Anne I’m glad you’re coping. Sometimes it’s all we can try and do and hope things get better which I hope they will for you soon. Your choir sounds lovely and I’m glad it helps you. I had a taster session at one (not that I can sing but I know it can help with MH). I did enjoy it but then it was £300 to sign up which was too expensive I thought.
HVDY your hair sounds fab. Mine is very straight but quite low maintenance. How kind of you to help your brother out, it’s a shame it’s not reciprocated though. I’m sorry you lost a brother too, that must have been very traumatic for you. I’m
Glad your DH is getting some rest and I hope his problems are resolved soon and that your issues with your legs are sorted too. It must be very uncomfortable for you. Enjoy your day at the farm - these things are so expensive aren’t they?
Doodle I’m sorry your husband is still poorly too. Has anyone suggested acid reflux? My son has serious gastrointestinal problems and I know some prescription only meds have helped him. I’d never heard that it could cause swallowing problems but it certainly can. I’m glad the cold compress helped and hope you managed some rest last night.
Scaredycat Yes, I’ve always been the “little sister” and they have been so protective of me in the past but now it’s my time to help them out which I’m more than willing to do. My reunion was great thanks. I was lucky to work with such lovely people, bit different now though. Gosh, no wonder your sister was so poorly. It may have been just as well you didn’t know at the time as it would certainly have caused you more distress and at least she seems to be on the up now which is good news. I’m sorry your AF is still so active. It’s so unfair having to deal with both mental and physical illness. I hope you get some relief soon.
Wyllow your new treadmill sounds great and well done for making the commitment to use it every evening. You are good too going to the gym when you don’t really feel like it. In my experience, it always makes us feel better and I hope it does for you too. I’m sorry about your past problems especially with ECT. My mum had that many years ago and it was indeed a very bad experience for her. I wish you well with your efforts to regain your memories.
I hope all have a good day. With love and thoughts to those not mentioned personally too. Take care all xx

Sweetpeasue oh yes things worse in the night in the dark. Hard to trust until some good experiences happen xx

Morning *HVDY.

Doodle I popped in as there is a RLS thread under health and I thought you might be interested.

Still awfully tired but just a trip to gym I think to do a bit, if I dont I just feel am going backwards.

SweetpeaSue I'd hoped your pain would have stopped. I'm sorry you're still so uncomfortable. If you don't feel up to going out, you could always blame the weather.

We're going to a farm today with Son1 and his girls. It's hardly the weather for it, but we've paid for it online (almost £60 which we can ill afford) so we'll have to go. At least there are some animals and games indoors. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

HVDY I'm so very sorry. Well used words here. But sincerely meant.

Wyllow We can't change the past can we. I suppose we are who we are now because of it.

Woke early. Bowel v uncomfortable. Going through scenarios that, if I was a braver and bolder person things might have turned out differently. But I had to trust. When I asked questions and didnt trust answers, how could I challenge fully experienced trained professionals? Can I still? Could I ask top hospital director or managers again and open it all up again? Well at present I think I know answer. I'm not even sure if I can leave house tomorrow. Aunt will ring. She doesn't remember things anymore. I have to keep making excuses so dont worry her.
Need to remember that daybreak things look better don't they.
Oh hope everyone has not had too bad a night. Thinking of your husband Doodle. X

its partly because in those years I lost contact with my DS and whole family and the many both good and poignant events. It feels important to get them back.

But when it comes to something like what you describe HVDY then its sometimes best to leave them in the place they are.

Wyllow Your lack of memories might be to do with the treatment you've had. You mentioned ECT, which must have been awful. It sounds barbaric in a way. I think particular traumatic events also affect the memory. I know that after I witnessed my brother being run over (he died), a lot of my childhood memories went. It's the brain's way of coping, I think. I'm going to try to get a GP appointment about my legs - they've been like this for many months but I've been ignoring it. I hope your cold/flu symptoms go soon. Rest, fluids and Paracetamol.

Doodle I'm going to try to speak to/see a GP next week about my feet/legs. Thanks. I hope things are better for you and your husband tonight.

nadateturbe, Joane123, all the regulars on here - hope you all have a good night's sleep. x

Doodle Thankyou for your kind words. It really helps to know someone cares. I think we all need that here don't we? I feel quite 'full up' about it at moment. I'm so glad if the cold compress help just a little . Hope it continues tonight but mostly hope you wont need it. You must be getting so weary with it now.
Joanne Thats nice of you to wish us well tonight. Thankyou v much. May I wish you the same too.
Nadateturbe I didnt realise I could do a draft of message for GN in my email. Then I need to copy and paste into comment. No Ive never pasted. I'm afraid my ignorance is vast with these things. I'll have to experiment. Thankyou for giving me that tip. I lost my message because pressing post over and over just had no affect. I left it for a while but it seemed to have frozen.

Sweetpeasue if I'm doing a long post I do it as a draft email. That way I can do a little at a time and go back to it.
Then copy and paste into comment.
(Excuse me if I'm telling you something you know already.)

Seconded! Hi Joane.

Doodle hope you both have a half decent night.

Maybe how we feel right now at any given time means sad or happy moments tend to come to the surface. I was interested to read about other's "memory" reflections.

Just calling in to wish you all a peaceful night and a good night's sleep. Take care everyone. With love xx

Whiff I have dyslexia so no need to tell me how easy it is to post the wrong thing. Mind you it made us all smile so that was nice.
Sweetpeasue I find it so annoying when you lose a post. All that effort gone in an instant.
Yes we were up again twice last night but DH didn’t seem as bad as the night before. On the second occasion I put the cold pad on the bed under his legs and he did manage to sleep so a little success I think.
Your pain sounds so distressing. If we have injured ourselves and know that is what the pain is about, although still painful it’s easier to cope with because you know the cause. It’s when it’s something inside our body we can’t see it becomes more difficult to understand why. Hope you have a better weekend.
Wyllow DH and I struggle with exhaustion when we have to get up early too. Still I hope your treadmill is now operational and will prove of benefit to you.
I remember my DH when he had ME saying he couldn’t remember what it was like to feel normal. I think that’s common with people who have long term illnesses.
Memory is a funny thing. I don’t really have one. It’s not dementia and I can recall some things in my mind but compared to DH my memory is appalling.
Sadly my memory seems to recall sad things rather than happy.
I hope you get back to happier times Willow and start to enjoy life again.
HVDY please don’t stop the Bp meds without speaking to your doctor. They my be able to prescribe something else that helps but doesn’t have the same reaction. The hot feet could be something else. My mum had hot feet, she would sleep at night with her feet out of the covers and a fan on them .
Good your DH had a proper check up. You were hoping for lung function test so hope your DH gets an appointment soon.
Nasal spray might help reduce mucus too.
Scaredycat I can’t understand why the hospital didn’t tell your BIL that your sister had sepsis. That’s really serious. DH had that when we were on holiday once. I think if you can get into hospital quickly enough then they pump you full of intravenous antibiotics which can help really quickly.
Sorry the AF is really kicking off but not surprising under the circumstances. Please try and relax a bit this weekend. I know you have the right meds for Af but could the Gp give you anything to relax you a bit. Hope you have a calmer night,
Ellie Anne I think it does us good to sing. Lifts the spirits. I’m glad you enjoy your choir, is it once a week?
Candy how did the reunion go? Hope you all enjoyed it.

Goodness Whiff that’s awful. What an unpleasant feeling.
Thank you for telling me. There are so many things we don’t think about until it happens to someone we know.
DH seems to cope with food ok but coughs often when sipping water for some reason. He does drink a lot of water during the day so it can happen quite frequently.
Apnoea I think is what you’re looking for. When you stop breathing when sleeping. No I don’t think so. Although some nights I do stay awake listening to his breathing. If anything he breathes quite shallowly and quickly.
You are so kind Whiff . We don’t all message each other every day so no one will take offence if you include someone one day and not the next. We all know what it’s like. Thank you for thinking of DH and all of us. It’s lovely having you with us.

Just lost my post!! Double grrrrrrr!

Oh Scaredycat you must have been shocked to find out about the Sepsis. If you'd have known I'm sure you would have been even more worried. The good thing is now that's dealt with your much loved sister may improve much more quickly. I'm sure the physio will help her too and give her little goals to aim for and motivate her on. Its no wonder the AF is so persistent, Im so sorry. Its awful to be scared and it increases anxiety. It must be well past the time for it to 'do one' and be gone! I hope it leaves you in peace soon.
Doodle I hope you and your husband both managed to get some rest last night. Did the cold compress help? My bil has had problems swallowing but I can't remember why, though the problem might have different reasons in people who have it. Hope youve both had a reasonable day.
Wyllow My bowel pain is difficult to describe but it just seems to fhave varying pain levels throughout the day but last couple of weeks has ramped up. Its as if I cant 'go' all at once and am going many times a day with little relief from the pain. Ijust want them to identify cause and stop it, though if Drs had been upfront I'm sure this could have been dealt with by now.
Glad the treadmill is helping though you'll need to be careful with the CFS.
Sometimes, I dont think we can retrieve 'who we were' before a big traumatic event. At least not exactly, though we surely must be able to find some of that self. I hadnt thought about ECT robbing memories. I know we sometimes blot out or block painful memories ourselves and think that can be helpful. Ive only been an inpatient once, (1982) and my husband was asked to give consent to me having ECT! Luckily, I feel, he didn't. I hope you have a good rest tonight.

Hope all on BD and who read have a peaceful night.

I had to love “I am full of administration Whiff as thats how it sometimes is xx!!!

HVDY “My feet and legs feel as though they're burning”. This really isnt good - if the tablets aren’t essential I think you are right. Well, I’m glad to hear about your GP. She is taking it seriously and some symptomatic relief in the meantime.

Ellie Anne your choir sounds so good! I’ve got singing again on my to do in the future list, I used to enjoy a group I was in some time ago so very much.

Scaredycat goodness me the news about your sister all coming out now - sepsis too. No wonder your AF has been so bad. Yes, you’ve only just had better news, but there is always a knock on effect from the exhaustion of weeks of worry abut sis. You sound very alone dealing with the fears of AF. Is there any group or Zooms or - anything -that can connect you with others? A space to swap helping tips and so on? Ex had it but at such low levels it was marginal.

Sweetpeasue I am very glad you have having the CT scan indeed. To answer your question, yes back in 2016 the pain was awful and in the end I did have an operation and it sorted it out very substantially. Current bowel stuff is of different ilk. I think your greatest need is to sort out the “now”: this doesn’t mean giving up a possible complaint, but ID’ing what is happening and getting it sorted, and I believe it can be.

Also thinking of Doodle and MrD as you are both treading a very very hard road atm.

I had to get up pretty early, beyond exhausted, as the treadmill fitters were due early. It takes up rather a lot of space but is an excellent machine. Plan is to try and walk for 30 mins every evening. Sis says that important for bowel as well as of course essential weight bearing keeping going. My yoga doesn’t do that bit so much and a visit to the gym for en hour’s yoga is as much as can do.

After that I’ve had a physically poorly day with flu/cold symptoms CFS and sleep twice, but my mind has been more at ease thank goodness. I have been pondering on something big that some of you might relate to.

Its this.

I had a long marriage and son until 2002, when I became so seriously ill with depression I was completely out of it for a number of years. My first marriage split up in that time, amicably I’m glad to say: I had 3 stays as an inpatient, and I had ECT and tried on loads of different meds, and one suicide attempt. In the end I met the right psychiatrist and I was given the opportunity for a very good talking therapist for 6 years -on the NHS back then.

However, its as if my life before 2002 has disappeared from my memory. That is to say, I cannot see my life as a line. I have forgotten what it was like to be me, and feel the things that I felt as “me” before”. Many happy memories were just wiped out, well all sorts of memories.* I shall never know whether its the result of a very long depression or the ECT or both.*

Then I went on to meet Ex2 and of course as you all know he was isolating and possessive and controlling, not a total baddie at all I’ve happy memories of cycling and meals and some holidays and cuddle times - but it wasn’t a marriage where I could carry on with a past, re-connect with it, at all. So it feels like now my task is to get back some of the Wyllow that was there before, remember happy times, see my life in perspective, take up creative things again.

Bests to todays absent BD’s, posters and readers.

ScaredyCat Your poor sister, she's been through such a lot. She must have a very strong constitution. I hope the physiotherapy gets her up and walking soon. The AF must make you very tired - do you have a doze during the day?

SweetpeaSue I should think you do feel like screaming. Given what you've had, and the problems you still have, anyone would be exasperated with it all. I hope the CT will be soon and that it'll shed some light on whatever is happening.

Wyllow, Doodle, EllieAnne, Candy, Whiff and all, hope you manage to have a relaxing evening x

Whiff I understood. It made me smile too. Predictive texting does that to us all.
HVDY Hope the nasal spray will help. Could that help the snoring too? 🤞. You must be pleased about the CT scan and lung function tests. Hope he gets them soon. Nice pub lunch rounds your morning off.
EllieAnne Its lovely that your choir includes all and must be so good for everyone.

Still got pain in bowel and scared because of way it represents. I'm sure the bowel adhesion was caused by peritoneal infection from fallopian tube spillage during op.Mind keeps going over letter that admitted fallopian tubes filling, addressed to me (in last records) that I never received. Plus, in last complaints meeting, manager and head Gynaecologist of dept said could find no record of fallopian tube incident. So how did that Dr tell me of it as she was reading from my records? I really am upset as I cant believe last Gynaecologist for substantial reasons, cant go into here.
Anyway spoke to lovely GP this morning about pain. Sending me for BowelCT scan, urgently, and get blood tests next week. I dont think Ive anything sinister but if bowel adhesions are causing all this (what ifs are coming in again) could I need surgery? Wyllow I know the problems you've had and I know you understand. The pain just increases the unfairness of whats happened to me. Honestly, I feel like screaming.
Not 'sweetpeasue like' is it? Sorry all.

Hi all.
Wyllow- May you have many more of those good days.
Candy- It must be so nice to have a friend who you can share your experiences with and knows how you feel.
Lovely to have 2 brothers I bet they look out for their ‘little’ sister.
Hope you enjoyed your reunion evening - you must have been tired at the end of the day but a ‘good’ tired.
Whiff- you always seem to have helpful advice for those that need it. Xx
EllieAnne- what a lovely feeling it must be to sing your heart out with your choir. I,m glad you have such a nice thing to do.
SweetPeaSue- liked your new name!! But it couldn’t be further from the truth - you are always so kind and interested in everybody .
Hope you got to,see the Doc today.
Doodle- Poor DH- he doesn’t need that as well. Sometimes when you get anxious swallowing can be problematic but despite his trials DH sounds a very calm person.
I,hope,you managed to have a better night last night and didn’t need the cold wrap.
HVDY- your son sounds a kind caring person - it’s so nice how he is helping his GF.
Good to hear that your DH had a thorough examination today- hope the meds help him.
Be careful with the BP medication- I don’t think you should just stop them.

The latest bulletin from my BiL he said that he only just found out that my Sister had Sepsis on top of everything else when she was admitted to Hospital! I don’t know why they didn’t tell him at the time. No wonder it has taken so long to get this far .
I can’t believe how she has survived so many difficulties.
Hopefully the physios can start helping her properly now.
AF is horrible at the moment it has been 12 days non stop and wearing me out . I have the right meds but just feel scared a lot of the time - anxiety is not a good companion for it.
But trying to deal with it as best I can. Feel glad to be here with you all.

Doodle we sing a mixture of Christian and secular music. It’s not highbrow. It’s a choir for anyone,no auditions or anything like that. I did enjoy it .

I know what you meant, it made me smile though.

HVDY sorry I read through everything before I post but still get word blindness

Admiration.

Wyllow Thanks. My feet and legs feel as though they're burning. I think I might stop taking the BP pills soon.

How is everyone today? I went with DH to GP. Mentioned the terrible snoring as well as the cough. The doctor was very thorough, is going to request a chest CT and lung function tests. She prescribed some antacid tablets, a nasal spray, and she took some blood. He's signed off work for another week (that'll be a month in total). We'll see. We had to wait for the prescription, so had a pub lunch . Hope everyone is getting on ok x

Whiff You said " I am full of administration" but we know what you mean.