Mild Cognitive Impairment?

People who keep posting “your husband has dementia” can’t possibly know this. It could well be, but equally, it could be something quite different, and until an assessment is done, by a professional, such an automatic diagnosis given by people on this forum cannot be taken as fact.

Certainly, the symptoms you describe HarlemShuffle are very concerning and your DH does need to be assessed ASAP. The poor driving is, obviously a huge concern, as you are obviously aware.

The best thing to do would be, I think, as suggested by so many other posters, to contact your DH’s surgery, either going in or by phone, listing everything to them that you have said here in your first post and try to arrange an assessment via the pretext of an MOT over 70’s health check or blood tests or similar (whatever they suggest, really).

It must be so hard for you, but I think you know instinctively what you need to do in order to get answers and next steps. 💐

winterwhite I am not sure you understand the significance of what the OP is saying.

It is not just that her DH's driving has deteriorated. He is showing other signs of cognitive dysfunction, that suggest that he would not be able to respond appropriately if he faced a sudden emergency whe driving and other more worrying signs often associated with memory problems.

The best way to deal with this is for him to see a doctor, who can assess the problems and identify the cause.

Close family members are going through exactly what you describe Bluedaisy, and it is so so hard. Denial, anger, and yes, driving being the most contentious and difficult one, with said relative becoming so angry and raging, and came close several time to smash things and hit his wife, which he has never ever done before.

I’ve been exactly where you are now. I realised something wasn’t quite right with my DH 3/4 years ago. All similar things happened to us that’s happening with you now plus my DH hit me for the first time in over 40 years of marriage. I was worried so called the GP and made appointment for myself but told GP at appointment what was happening with hubby. He asked if husband would go for an MRI scan if he arranged one, DH was having head pain and neck pain so was able to palm it off as that but GP was looking for dementia. We moved and with covid never got those results unfortunately but we signed on with new GP in new area and I had to go to new GP to ask for something to help me sleep as DH was having delusions/ hallucinations at night stopping me sleeping. GP referred hubby to mental health team who turned up at our home on pretext of checking husband and myself health. They were excellent, very helpful and asked DH if he would have a CT brain scan for his headaches, he agreed to and they put him on melatonin for his nighttime hallucinations which worked straight away consequently I didn’t need any sleeping pills. They managed to get hold of his MRI scans and compared them with his CT scans and the nurse came to our home and gently explained he had vascular dementia. We were both gutted but he’s getting worse quickly. He got really angry when he had to give up driving so my son explained he would invalidate his insurance if he drove now, or worse killed somebody! But he’d nearly killed us one night and I was so nervous I refused to let him drive me again. Now he’s become a back seat driver instead.
It is a horrible disease, he’s not the same person I married he’s a totally different personality. His father had dementia but refused to see a Gp and I ended up having him sectioned as he was violent towards his mother and myself! Last Friday I was driving and we had the mother of all arguments because he decided he knew the way (he didn’t) to pick our DGS up from a school outing! I’ve decided he’s never getting in the car with me again at the moment!! We too had all sorts of ideas years ago of what we’d do when he retired, it never crossed my mind he’d get dementia. It’s a vile disease that creeps up on you day by day. My advice would be to go to your GP and explain his problems, they will help you make an excuse for him to be seen and will go from there. The earlier dementia/ Alzheimer’s is diagnosed the more treatments there will be available to him if there is a problem. Unfortunately for my DH he couldn’t have the tablets that are available because of his type of dementia but for many other types there’s tablets that apparently can help to slow down the deterioration. Good luck, whatever his problem is be it urine infection or dementia it needs sorting asap.

I am very sorry for your situation. This is a difficult ethical and legal problem. My late husband had a rare form of dementia and did not have any insight into his difficulties. He refused to go to the doctor until I threatened him with divorce if he didn't! His driving was erratic. It's a long story, but his doctor informed the DVLA and he was given a one-year temporary license. However, he was clearly unsafe to drive at all! I refused to get in the car with him and eventually he wrote his car off by crashing into a ROAD CLOSED sign. He said, "I saw it, but I just didn't know what to do." He did not drive again. Knowing what I know now, I would have been more assertive. After he died, I was involved on a regional Patient/Public research panel and was asked to participate in producing guidelines for doctors and clinicians on dementia and driving. Dementia and Mild Cognitive Impairment are not reasons per se for stopping driving, and, of course, you have no diagnosis because he has not yet seen a doctor, but not being able to work out how to get out of a car and your clocks story is an indication of impairment of cognition which is probably relevant. Each case is taken on its merits. You can write to/phone the DVLA and put your concerns succinctly. They promise not to reveal their sources, but they will write to him and offer him a temporary driving license and/or a test at one of their Driver Mobility Centres. This is not foolproof, but it goes some way to preventing him having a disaster which might endanger others. The other thing I would do, and this is just personal, but I would find a way to disable the car. Either 'lose' the keys, or arrange to have an isolated switch fitted, so he can't drive. You can contact the DVLA for further information on 0300 790 6802 or visit www.gov.uk/government/organisations/driver-and-vehicle-licensing-agency or write to DVLA, Swansea SA99 1DF

I'm afraid your husband has dementia and things will only get worse. He has to stop driving. My father-in-law was like this in the beginning and would only stop driving after two accidents.

Without wanting to frighten you,my husband started to drift when driving and often out walking,he also complained about pins and needles in left hand,I knew there was something wrong but not dementia as he completed crosswords daily and used his computer
I asked for a referral to see a neurologist,who thought I was making a fuss and was sure there was nothing wrong but felt an mri would settle my mind,I’m sorry to say they found an large brain tumour which was rare and malignant,he died 18 months later after surgery and radiotherapy,push for a referral,you know him better than anyone,

PS advice….get out as much as you can to get a break. Try not to let it get to you and just go along with things. Alert your family and friends - though they may not see it at first.
It might help if you keep a record of odd behaviour and sometimes even writing it down helps.

AND look after your own mental health.

HarlemShuffle
You asked for advice and shared experiences (not a diagnosis) . I recognise all you describe. In fact you’ve probably been worried for quite a while but now the symptoms are worsening. DH is exactly the same.

He won’t drive anywhere except locally. Thank goodness. He stops at green lights and I have to shout STOP if he approaches a red light too fast because he’s gone through them before. Then he gets aggressive and says he was going to stop anyway. Like hell he was
He cannot process information or instructions except in tiny bite sizes. Like you I have to repeat things again and again. I used to say that I’d just told him that but given it up.
It’s a myriad of little day-to-day things that he cannot process.

And then there’s the ‘I’m always right!’ even in the face of evidence to the contrary eg. we backed out of our drive and workmen we’re repairing potholes at one end of our road. A big lorry blocking that way out. Stupidly I suggested that he should drive out the other end but no, he drives up to the lorry and tries to squeeze past. He can’t of course, and they can’t move. Big argument that he had no chance of winning.

He really ought not to drive but try telling him that.

People forget that dementia (like you I saw his mother go through this exactly the same) can cause personality changes.

I’ve spoken to his GP (who’s pretty useless anyway) and he asked a few questions and said there’s no problem. Hope yours is more astute.

I am so sorry. The symptoms you describe are how my DH’s dementia started. Fortunately, he voluntarily gave up driving after he nearly hit a mother and child. You could tell your GP what is going on and he could call your husband in for a routine bp check or some such. He needs to be referred for a proper assessment and diagnosis. I have found the Alzheimer’s Society very helpful and it is certainly worth giving them a call for advice. Through them we have a support mental health nurse to call on, if needed. Good luck and try and remember to look after yourself

Luckygirl3

MerylStreep

MaryDoll
I know my post was harsh. It was meant to be.
We have too many drivers on the road who are in the early stages of dementia.
In a split second many lives can be ruined 😥

Definitely. If the OP heard nothing else, then this message needs to get through loud and clear.

I wasn't questioning the posts about not driving, I totally agree with them.
However, it was posters speculating about a diagnosis, which I didn't think was helpful.

70 is cruelly young to be faced with giving up driving, and though I can see that HarlemShuffle's DH may need to do so this is where I thought some responses a bit glib. And not as easy as all that.

I agree with whoever said that losing the car keys would be unlikely to work and it could leave the OP stranded as well. Maybe, HS you have adult children who could help persuade your DH to see a doctor asap, and perhaps accompany him and meanwhile do your utmost to keep car trips to a minimum and local roads only.

The 17-20 yr old age group is the one most at risk of causing traffic accidents. Older drivers tend not to speed, or to use their phones while driving, or shout and talk with people in the back of the car. But a different matter grounding a man of 70 from a teenager of 17.

This is not going to develop into a problem sadly enough: it already is one!

Refuse to go anywhere with him in the car. By allowing him to drive you are endangering his life, your own, if you go with him, and the innocent bystander or other motorist who one day will be unable to avoid your husband's incompentent driving.

If your refusal to let him drive, or to accompany him in the car does not lead to him making an appointment with his GP to prove to you that he is still fit to drive, then you will be no worse off than you are now, but it might make him consult a doctor.

Phone his GP yourself asking for an appointment. If asked why you want an appointment say you have anxiety issues.

Tell the GP exactly what you have told us. If it is easier e-mail him or her as you have explained things clearly here. All GPs are used to patients refusing to consult their doctors, leaving a worried spouse to tackle the problem alone.

Why are you allowing your husband to refuse to allow you to drive? Surely in the year of Our Lord 2023 women do not ask their husband's permission to do things?

Are you doing so, because you are justifiably afraid he will become violent? If so, alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear in your head, because no-one should go around being afraid in their own home.

I hope you manage to get help to solve the problems you are trying to cope with, whatever their cause. Is there no family member or good friend who could help you discuss things with your husband? Or failing that, help you make the right decision,

As per everyone else seek help and soon. Best of luck x

I send you hugs and prayers for the best possible outcome for both of you.
The advice throughout this post is clear. I hope you can find the courage to take the next step,ie hiding the car keys or giving them to a trusted family member or close friend. Then see how things feel when your major worry has been dealt with. If you feel it is time to get your GP involved then so be it. Alternatively research all that you can about how this invidious set of illnesses progress and decide at which point you will know it is time to ask for help.
I don't know if you can get extra financial help and maybe you would need a definitive diagnosis for that, in which case you would need to go via the GP route.
You could write down alternatives to using the car like dial a ride, normal taxi, bus. Having shopping and prescriptions delivered. So that you can re-assure him if he panics about driving. If you actually want visitors they could come to you.
If you have children maybe they could spend time with their father to lighten the load for you, even if it is just having them there to talk to. Heartfelt good wishes to you both.

As a mental health practitioner I would advise this
Speak with GP and tell him/her your fears. Ask them to get him into the surgery on another issue. Maybe a well man check.
Sounds as if her needs a memory test. This can be done by a GP.
I feel uncomfortable with people posting that ‘he deffo has dementia’. He may well have but as others have pointed out it could be something else

We had to notify the DVLA when my Mum was unsafe on the road. They sent out a form to fill in and her licence was removed. She was miffed, we breathed a sigh of relief that she couldn't be responsible for killing anybody.

Talk to your GP or the Practice Nurse about your husband. As others have said, they can do a routine screening but also include a memory test.

If your husband is in the early stages of dementia, they can prescribe medication to slow the progress down so it is in both your interests to get a diagnosis as soon as possible. The diagnosis opens up the possibility of extra funding, in particular exemption for Council Tax which can assist in getting paid for help when you need it.

It sounds as if you do need to get your DH to the GP for some medical advice. As others have said there's no way he should be driving at the moment. If you need to hide the keys so be it.

I hope you are holding up HarlemShuffle - are you able to chat with family at all about your worries?

Yes, as long as the poster is not scaring with what might never happens, but I agree, its good to know especially how others have coped and what steps they have taken when they were at a similar stage.

Marydoll

I stand by what I say. Excellent advice has been given, however the OP is obviously very concerned and speculation only makes stress and anxiety worse.
She asked for advice, nothing else.

I could have written about my experiences with my parents, but I chose not to. It doesn't help.

Oh, I think it does help when others have been in the same situation as you and you are debating with yourself about what to do.
Nothing is worse than having to make decisions about close family and knowing others have gone through the same does not leave you in such a lonely place.

The problem with hiding the car keys is that the O/P is then in the situation of not being able to use the car either unless she has car of her won and he isn't insured.
...and it would produce immediate or fairly immediate confrontation as he says "we'll get some more asap" and so on.

I cant see any way round some tough and painful talking. He will have forgotten the things he's forgotten as it were, unless you have voice record proof.

I think that the message about losing the car keys has been got over. But, we are in no position to diagnose any sort of dementia so MaryDoll is correct.

I know from personal experience how damaging the wrong diagnosis can be. My own father was diagnosed as having depression when he actually had lung cancer.

There could be something fairly easily remedied by a gp or referrals made for further investigations.

Luckygirl3

MerylStreep

MaryDoll
I know my post was harsh. It was meant to be.
We have too many drivers on the road who are in the early stages of dementia.
In a split second many lives can be ruined 😥

Definitely. If the OP heard nothing else, then this message needs to get through loud and clear.

Marydoll, if other lives are at risk, children, parents, whomever- then I am afraid the message had to be harsh, and for all the right and humane reasons.

Yes hide the keys, as it is an immediate danger whatever the cause. I'm not sure you (without a diagnosis) can just go ringing the DVLA and whether that is wise in terms of your relationship.

Write down every single little thing like you have in the O/P. if your mobile phone has a voice record app you can also record conversations, this is very simple to use and not expensive to download. Its called 'Voice Recorder".

Yes try to get him to go on some pretext but make sure you inform the GP in advance (with list et al) what the situation is. There is a chance after all it could be a UTI. The GP may help out by offering a rapid "MOT' invitation.

Mental Health do run dementia services and it would be good if you could get a chat asap, but this is easier to do in some areas than others due to staffing. but it would be very help for for you to be able to describe the symptoms and get their advice.

I'm so very sorry it has come to this, please have a big hug. He must be scared knowing his family history its to surprising he is denying there is anything wrong. xx