Black Dog 16

CandyI was wondering how you felt about your house? I recall you had had thoughts of moving. And getting a better job?

Ellie Anne well how does he expect the garden to get done?

HVDY - any news on the bullying front?

Are you able to have a discussion around “sharing jobs?” - I mean what happens if you try? I realise from reading on gransnet that a number of men if wives have been at home dont know or expect to do stuff in the house or have just never “thought” - but gardens and house repair and managing financials etc?

How is your arm Doodle? I googled broken wrists and it did say swelling -poor you.

The physio was brilliant (as well as giving me as hg as we were always close) We ID’d a major trigger for the very bad pain which is nerve related - and its something I can easily stop doing - Scardeycat an X ray would reveal some osteoarthritis but that’s in my body already (as it is in most over 70’s unless they are very lucky),
but there is no disc damage, she can tell, its muscles used badly pulling on nerves. The best thing is she has taken away my fear of having to stop my beloved yoga and given me hope in not triggering worst too often.

Doodle you are right about families and when they have time discussed this at length in counselling - given that DS and DiL both work/study full time, 4 children under 11, one very disabled, and not surprised. I was never needed in that capacity either.

But I just can never/was never able to share the worst MH stuff with DS and never will be able to, I’m too scared of people going on the run as it were, and know DiL would back off miles certainly for the foreseeable.

BUT - I have to accept that due to MH stuff I was an absent mum almost entirely in the last 20 years for all but 5/6 - when family less busy they may remember stuff like “oh I wonder how your operation went” and so on - but clearly I was right to decide to stay put here. Got pretty upset about it, not so much in the present, but what got me to this point ie the past.

Counsellor was also at first suggesting not trying to move for a few months till am physically better -

but its stressful staying too, an getting better from CFS is like how long is a piece of spring.

Anyway, will see if I am offered support on Thursday by the Housing Help people no need to decide until end of the month - if there is an offer but my instincts say back off, or its relax and relief, we’ll see.

Candy he doesn’t do anything in the garden either.

Wyllow Best of luck with the physio and couselling today.

Candy I have very vivid and strange dreams - an affect of ADs. I hope you have abetter sleep tongiht.

It's a bright and sunny morning here. I'm going to get a pedicure/toenails painted soon, then I'll faff about at home. Hope all BDers have a decent day x

Evening all, just a short visit this evening. I’m so tired. Didn’t sleep well at all last night. Took me ages to get to sleep, then had some very weird dreams. Work very busy today and I didn’t get to actually sit down this evening until 10 pm.
Wyllow you sound that your are a little better mood wise and I hope that continues. It doesn’t sound like relocating would be a good idea for you at the moment and would no doubt cause you more stress. The McCarthy Stone property near you sounds great. I always say that if im left alone, I would want to live somewhere like that. Im not sure if I’d be able to afford it but the McS properties sound very high end and I think if you can afford it, then why not? Personally, I like the idea of getting support if you need it, but more importantly, company too with new friendships/interests undoubtedly being made. The organisation you spoke about sounds ideal. I hope it works out. I hope your back gets better.
Ellie Anne I hope you manage ok this week. Annoying about the washing, my DH can’t work the washing machine either but then he sorts the grass/garden and I wouldn’t know how to use the mower so I suppose we’re equal really.
Nanny I hope your first day back at work has gone well and you are ok.
HVDY sounds like you had a good day but sorry it’s been spoiled by the bullying incident. Honestly, some kids just don’t know how to behave. I hope the school is pro-active and sorts it out. So much is publicised about it these days so I hope they get on top of it. So worrying for you all. Thinking about you.
Sweetpeasue hope you enjoyed your day with GS and your shopping trip with your Aunt. Sounds like a good day. I hope you have been pain free and it stays that way 🤞.
Doodle I hope the swelling goes down and it’s not too painful.
‘Nadaterturbe shame about your sleep pattern. I hope it gets better soon for you and you get some proper rest.
I’m off to bed now. Work again tomorrow. Wishing everyone a restful, pain free night. Love to all ❤️ xxxx

How horrible, HVDY. Hope it gets nipped in the bud. Those messages are on record - show to the school if necessary? Tbh, borderline criminal!

Yes, been all over the place in the last month. counselling tomorrow, after physio, I jut want doS and don's but how to do minimal exercise.

Hope the arm goes down soon Doodle. I imagine it's a reaction by your body to the wrist injury? I dont know enough to be sure.

Best nights BD's see you tomorrow.

EllieAnne Perhaps your husband felt embarrassed about doing his washing at your daughter's? Men don't think like us, do they? Mine can do anything in the house (but doesn't unless I specifically ask him to).

SweetpeaSue Glad you had a nice time with your GS.
Doodle Hope the swelling soon goes down. Can your husband perhaps do something like a stir-fry, or put something in a slow-cooker?
Wyllow Hope you have a better day tomorrow.
nadateturbe, Whiff, Candy, Allsorts and others - hope you've all been ok today.

I've been a bit worried this evening - I texted Son1, and he said he's very concerned about his eldest girl (almost 12). She's been bullied at school today, and some girl (older) has been sending her vile and disgusting text messages about what she will do to my GD - slitting her throat, etc. Son spoke to the kid's mum at length this morning, and so has GD's mum. What makes some children so horrible? Anyway, I said if GD is kept off school (I hope so but the mum will decide), we'll have her here. We'll see.

Hope all BDers have a restful night x

Nanny I hope your first day back at work went as well as possible and that colleagues were kind..
Sorry EllieAnne I didn't realise. Men! Eh? I think they pretend sometimes. Instructions somewhere close to the washing machine!
I hope you feel a little better after a walk. Perhaps as Wyllow3 says, he could be encouraged to visit DD more. Scaredycat is right, you need to keep driving to keep your confidence.
Wyllow3 that sounds very painful, your back seems be getting worse. I hope the physio can help. I wonder does it need an xray. The organisation sounds worth exploring. Could provide the answer to not managing a move. I know it must be painful looking out at your garden and remembering. Perhapswhen you move, whenever that is, you'll be able to look forward more.
Sweetpeasue I'm glad its a good day for you so far, and you had an outing with your aunt. Sweetpeas are lovely, I usually grow ²some. (Just realised- your name!). And thanks, I haven't had a great sleep since last Tuesday, pain and just not able to sleep. Have spent a few hours reading each night. I'm used to it.

Doodle I'm glad you're both managing. You're certainly having some trials. Just read about your swollen arm. You poor thing. Hope the swelling goes down soon.
You're right about families. So different now. Food for thought for Wyllow3 too. Makes a lot of sense.

Nice you met your SiL HVDY. Sounds like you had a lovely day together.
I met two cousins today in town. It wasn't arranged, I don't arrange meetups much as I can't predict how I will be. So it was lovely to bump into them when I felt OK, have coffee and a chat. No shopping done, but who cares. It really cheered me up.

Hello to Whiff, Candy, Allsorts and anyone else on BD.
Hoping for a peaceful night for all. xx

Oh Doodle I hope it doesn't swell too much. You'll not be able to drive so hope your DH hasnt any med appts this week. Just as well it wasn't the week you were both'living' at hospital.

sweetpeasue wrist isn’t too bad but the rest of my arm is very swollen. I’ve put an ice pack on it which is helping.
So nice to play games with DGC I always loved playing with mine.
Fingers crossed for peaceful night. x

Candy Hope your first day back at work was ok today. I had my grandson today after school so it was ok, then took him back to his Dad's, my son.
Doodle I hope your wrist isn't hurting you. How is your DH coping with the meals? He will be so appreciative by the time your cast comes off. It must get so frustrating for you though. When DH had carpal tunnels done its amazing how much you miss that hand.
*Scaredycat, Yes it was a nice time with DGS. We played Draughts and I was amazed at how much he remembered from the last time when we introduced him to it. I planted up my violas with some lobelia in a pot today. Hope your sister is gaining strength now.
Wyllow It's no wonder you are feeling low with so much to consider. Having someone to sort plumbing and electric problems ect is a good thing. I wouldnt have a clue and our washer started leaking all over kitchen last night. DH having to try and sort it but not sure if he can. It's worth finding out about that charge.
I'm grateful I'm 'normal' again but I don't understand how I can have so much pain and then nothing. It really doesn't make sense.
HVDY It must be good to catch up with your SIL. So glad you've had a nice day with her. You must both be able to share some fond memories and it sounds as if you both get on really well.

Took my aunt to get some shopping and had a drink in the cafe there this morning. Planted Sweetpeas in garden this aft. I'm worried the pain will return and what the heck it's all about.

Wishing all BDs a restful night and thinking of you all. x

Scaredycat no not really warm enough yet. Sunny enough but cold breeze. I’m getting on ok but my arm is now very swollen and purple all over..
nanny I too hope things went ok for you and everyone was kind. Big cuddle with Binks when you got home I bet.
Wyllow all families are different. My dear SIL was wonderful with my mum and spent a lot of time with her. I lived further away and had young sons so wasn’t able to do so much. Doesn’t mean not caring just different circumstances.
Ellie Anne well you went last time so it was his turn. Maybe he’s one of those people who don’t offer or think about things until asked to do so. Some men just like to be given instructions.
HVDY sounds like you had a good day. Lovely meet up with your SIL.

Hvdy he can work our machine but not dd s. He was an aircraft engineer with a responsible job. Now he asks me if he should feed the cat !

Nice day there, HVDY.

Wyllow You're going through a lot of different emotions at the moment, it seems, and have such a lot to think about.

EllieAnne Could you tell your husband what number to put the washer on then leave him to it? Some men rely on their wife/partner to do everything, don't they? It does them (the men) no favours in the long-run, to have everything done for them.

I had a nice day - I met my SIL (widow of brother who died 20 years ago). We went for coffee, had a mooch round the shops, then pub lunch and another coffee. Made a nice change. Hope all BDers have been ok today x

He went to look after her cats as she is away so he didn’t actually see her. And only because I pushed him into it.
He’s ok around the house but has to be asked .

Sweetpeasue good to hear of day so far. Really good to hear May there be more!!

*Nanny my thoughts with you on this difficult first day back.

Doodle glad you are somehow managing together. You've had an overwhelming number of changes in the last year. I'm picturing MrD hovering over the washing machine or cooker being instructed

.....and very wise words to me - and generally - re family and expectations. I have a distinct feeling that the less I place demands on them the better things will be. Families are so different - I know someone locally who lost her husband and has family popping in and out helping etc etc ...but then it could be a lot worse when you hear other stories.

Yes, McCarthy and Stone have the "works" but are not so much expensive to buy, but the service charge is considerable as its a 24 hour warden someone always there, and the local one is not really where I'd like to live ideally - not in a community setting tho much closer than where I live now..

But the flats are lovely inside, a Quaker friend lives in one - sunny rooms, very well sound insulated, all lovely and clean and well run and they take care if the electrics or plumbing "go" and all that side of things whereas in my last flat you had to sort all that sort of stuff. (I suppose that might be part of the charge? Have to find out).

Wyllow- so sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. Your confidence is so low and the feeling of loss overwhelming you. I hope the physio can help,with your back so that you can do some gentle gym work and build up your strength a bit. That organisation sounds like it could help you very much - I do hope they agree to seeing you. You need encouragement and practical help .
Your Quaker friends sound kind is there someone you could see socially for coffee or just a chat. The memories of making your garden are lovely ones and can’t be taken away from you.
Can you sit there and read once it’s warm enough.
You are stronger than you think - life will get better for you.
Wish I could help more xx
Doodle- glad you still have all your teeth. Is your wrist still painful? Is it warm enough to sit on your balcony now- it’s sunny here but the wind is freezing.
Nanny- hope your first day back was not too difficult and that your colleagues have been considerate of you.
SweetPeaSue- so glad you are having another good day. Hope you had a nice visit with your DGS - he must have been excited to tell you all about his birthday.
Nadateturbe- if you are still away hope you have managed to put worries to one side and just enjoy that wonderful scenery.
EllieAnne- I can imagine your heart sinking a bit when you heard the key in the door!! Hope the walk cheered you up a bit
I think if you can you need to keep driving to see DD otherwise your confidence in driving may take a knock. She must love having you there even though sometimes she doesn’t show it. You are a lovely Mum.
HVDY- hope you,ve had a nice day today. Your boys have 2 great parents - I,m sure they appreciate everything you do for them - hope you enjoyed your chilled out time at home yesterday.
Love to all

candy we are doing fine. I am supervising and DH is doing his best. Hope work is going well.
nadateturbe I think we live in a different age to when families used to live round their corner to each other and be in contact a lot. With all these mobile devices and gadgets conversations seem to be conducted by text rather than face to face. When our children are busy (which they all seem to be these days) they often don’t have the time for a long chat.
HVDY yes that’s what I did. Face isn’t too bad. Saving on make up costs anyway. Your sons are so lucky to have you and your DH sorting out so many things for them.
Wyllow whilst it would be nice to live near your son I wonder if it’s a bit like holidays. Nice to think it could always be like that but reality is if you live in your holiday destination you still have all the problems you had before. I would think the companionship of the people at gym, Quakers etc would be good things to keep but perhaps look for a home nearby with a communal lounge or warden. Some M and Stone places have restaurants in them where you can have meals with others too.
Hope you get a good response from the people who help with moving. Y
Ellie Anne glad you had a week to yourself. Did your DH go and stay with your DD? Perhaps he could go more often.
He relays on you for so much. Does he cook or help round the house at all.
I’m like you and hate motorway driving too. You are very brave to tackle it on your own.
Sweetpeasue glad it’s been a better day so far.

Nadateturbe You posted early. Hope you weren't in pain with CFS.
Wyllow So sorry about that back again. I hope the physio is helpful tomorrow. They can take a while to heal even when it's muscular. I could imagine your sadness looking at your lovely garden with it's memories. I do feel for you. It all seems pretty tough going for you right now. That local organisation sounds 'just the ticket' it really does. You could do with the help, someone alongside so it wont be overwheming if you decide to move.
EllieAnne You are such a good mum helping the way you do. Think I'd draw the line at the washing though. 🤔. The last time I drove on a motorway I really didnt like it but you're in a difficult position when your DD isnt well. I can see on GN though, that we should try and keep these skills going as we never knowwhen we might need to do things ourselves.
Nanny I do hope your first day back at work has been ok and your friends and work colleagues have been supportive.

A good day again painwise. Hope everyone is ok. Back later. Seeing DGS later. x

Ellie Anne your "free" week and that you felt better says so much. And no I wouldn't take kindly to being presented with a weeks washing. Have a lovely walk.

Did DH go and stay with DD? If they get on well is it a chance for "more often?" I can see she can't manage to travel - that was me for a number of years and I understand.

Thank you for good wishes both. Can't tell you all how much it means to have this space.

nadateturbe
*ods law because I was a bit better this morning I went to the gym - stiff, but do-able. And twigged my back badly again - no, I want exercising, it was bending over in the wrong way in the changing room! Fortunately I had tramadol with me and did 30 mins on my back (I need to keep up pelvic floor stuff to avoid leakage). But cant walk more than car to this or that and short walk to destination.

Bring on tommorrow where I was incredibly lucky as got a cancellation appointment with long term known physio who now works from home.

I also rung a local organisation who claim to be able to help with older people and housing. a lot of their work is about isolation, and even dementia and adaptations,

but in the blurb it said "finding a new home, including help to move and re-settle". They are ringing back Thursday am to tell me if they will help. I said I have the resources to get things done for me but need hand-holding through the whole process as its all too much. Hopefully I might just be someone's "interesting project" as they do home visits.

I'm sitting looking out from my quiet house and its lovely garden - yet it is soaked in mixed memories and sadness. Making the garden was one of the best times.

I feel I need to move on even if it's not a good time health wise.

Who knows when it will be, after all?

Nadateturbe it is dh who can’t work daughter s machine!!!

Oh Wyllow3 you're going through a really bad patch at the minute. It will get better. You will be able to do more and move forward. Be strong. Sending hugs.
EllieAnne a walk in the fresh air sounds good for stress - and BP.. Your son needs written instructions for the washing machine.🙂 It's difficult keeping in contact isn't it. I understand 'dreaded'. I find motorways in England very stressful.

Oh dear Wyllow there is so much going on in your head. And missing out on your yoga is a big loss. I hope today is better for you.
I think adult children are just so busy with their lives. I see my sons but mainly if I am helping with the children.
But I ve accepted that if I want to see my daughter I will have to go to her. She just won’t come here. Work and health issues. So every now and then I do the dreaded drive to see her. I look into trains every time but they are so expensive and not so convenient.
After my stress free week I m back to the usual. As soon as I heard the door open I could feel myself getting stressed. So I took my bp and it was quite high. It’s settled now. I’m cleaning the house and will go for a walk.
Would you believe that he brought all his washing home?
Apparently doesn’t know how to use her washing machine.
I’ve used it it’s not complicated.
I think he knew I wasn’t too pleased.😬

nadateturbe I was glad you described your family situation yesterday in detail. It helps to understand why it hurts so much.

I’m glad yesterday was better, Sweetpeasue

I’m a little bit better now I’ve come online tho the night was a continuation, I had the TV on all night to doze so’s not to “think”.

Some wise helpful thoughts for me yesterday. Yes it was a post-high crash - the high was doing lots of stuff on housing thoughts. But Doodle you are right, it is a huge loss to know I’m not going to live near family because it was an idealised hope yet lifted me out of depression for a time. the other factor is my physical health. Too many things wrong at once. spending all my precious energy on appointments etc all so negative. And should I be pursuing house moving when so tired, but what else to look forward to?

Through the break up and after I could go to the gym and I was able to think, “at least I can do my beloved yoga” and with CFS and this new back thing its not as possible. Yes it meant that much to me. It felt so good being able to do an hour at the gym most days and I am or was very good at it. Just did 30 mins yesterday and was so ill after.

Also terrible loneliness because I’m ill equipped to even look after myself - being able to shop and take care of the house and eat properly etc - yesterday was a bad “missing Ex” day too. Loss, loss, loss.

Bests to other BD's, I'll catch up as the day goes on but its hard to concentrate atm.

Candy6 and HVDY thanks for your kind comments.
Doodle I'm glad your face is OK. It must have been painful. I was reminded of a book I read by Joni Eareckson in which she talks about being paraplegic and falling forward in her wheelchair and not being able to do anything about it.