Black Dog 16

Good advice. A very bad Black Dog night but people are right about finding modest aims in what I can do not what I can't. I'm so used to using Big Magical solutions - all my life really as part of my condition of being bi-polar 2 to avoid despair:

I need to find the small things and make them count. Its hard to describe how hard it is, after using that trick for all my life, seeking something big and glorious to give life a point, and not seeing the small things by the roadside. It worked for a certain extent for years and year as I was very fit with woads of energy to throw myself into the "next thing" - a relationship, a purist like a substantial job, like doing an Art MA, only to "fail" as far too sensitive to criticism and what others thought, and a perfectionist to boot. I think I got it right at the gym this morning: my aims modest to be able to walk 20 mins without the back being triggered.

And to go upstairs to what was Ex's room where my painting and sewing stuff is. (That's one of the big barriers, there is nowhere else)

Inspiring, Whiff, thank you.

Scaredycat I hope the Christening is enjoyable and you'll soon be back home amongst familiar things.

correction - a pursuit like a substantial job etc.

Whiff What a lot of fascinating and talented people in your craft group. I really liked that picture. It's amazing that some people can just sit down and draw an image from their head like that. I hope you've been ok today. Nice day to be in your garden. Those bleach bottle tops are the pits. I see my blackbirds out of the window, and they've built a nest beside it.
Wyllow I can tell you are so frustrated not having the energy to do the things you want to do. You may have to settle for something not as great, at first but then work your way up more slowly to that 'greatness'. It doesn't mean you can't 'get there' only more slowly. If that makes sense. That 20 min walk after Gym you can build on. I can see
that must be hard having you ex's room for your painting and sewing though. I suppose you could put them where they were before ex moved out, but perhaps that could be seen, by yourself, as being defeatist, I dont know. I might have misunderstood.
Anyway hope your night will not let the Black dog back in.
Scaredycat Hope the Christening went well and you are soon back home.

I woke early this morning after another horrible dream where, one by one, each member of my family-mum and siblings, all left me alone in this house. I asked to go with them but I wasnt wanted. I felt so alone. It was a heartbreaking aloneness. I woke and could hardly breathe, hyperventilating again. I do feel alone. My sons have own families and only I seem to instigate communication. I am really lonely even though I have my DH. Alone with this pain which appears incurable. I'm sorry but feel so depressed. Really sorry. I'm not good for everyone today.

Hope everyone is ok. HVDY Nadateturbe*EllieAnne *Whiff *Candy '(oh dear - going to leave someone out now) all on BD and reading. *Doodle



*

Sweet pea sue I agree about sons. I’m the one making the contact unless they need children looking after. Dd phones most weeks but is so far away
I’ve been so flat these past days. I can’t even really call it depression. Just nothing ness. And tbh if situation at home was different I wouldn’t even go to church tomorrow. Nothing on tv holds my interest and I am eating rubbish and drinking 🍷.

Sending lots of love as there is a lot of depressive loneliness here - its a loneliness you can feel even if there is someone there like you have Sweetpeasue - or your husbands indifference Ellie-Anneso sending hugs out to all and post again soon.

(Sweetpeasue there was just one small table in bedroom at end of bed before Ex moved out, so there was no space really...but I think probably its not going to be the first thing I achieve.)

I'm trying to recall whether it was me or my mum who intimated contact - both now and then - but it wasn't really meaningful emotionally, which is the point here. I tend to contact DS, but it's meaning fun contact, of you see what I mean.

I may not have a big space in his emotional universe, but do feel clearly lodged in there: probably a complex one, but I do know he cares and - when I feel the worst - would miss me.

Whiff good advice on your post. It's amazing how many little things we can find to be thankful for. I hope you are OK.
Sweetpeasue sending hugs. It's horrible to feel so down that you have such sad dreams. Our children do care, they are just so busy with their lives, and probably have no idea how bad you feel. Hope you sleep tonight.
Wyllow3 Glad you managed to limit your gym exercise. I hope it helps.
Hello to Doodle Whiff Scaredycat HVDY and any others on BD.
There is so much I would like to say, but I have read all your posts and am thinking of you all.

EllieAnne It's awful to feel flat like that and I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel so uncomfortable in your own home. The atmosphere must be terrible and driving you outside. Under those circumstances I think I would feel so very sad and lonely indeed. I feel ashamed to confess to my own loneliness when you must feel so much worse. You are so right, most TV programmes seem such a waste of time don't they? If you go to church you might see friends too but it seems awful to feel driven out. I hope the weather is mild so you might take a walk if you feel like it. I do understand the eating and drinking thing as we want quick available solutions to comfort us when we feel bad. I don't have any magical solutions but I am thinking of you. x

Sweetpeasue wear your bracelet and forget about the age spots. Over time we all age in different ways. Enjoy wearing a pretty bracelet.
nadateturbe got the only bandage I could and I think it’s too tight. Wore it last night and my fingers were all puffy this morning. Gone back to the old one for now.
I use fake tan too otherwise I am white as a sheet.
Whiff wow that lady is talented. Cross stitch is a really good thing to do as you have to concentrate all the time. I’ve done some big pieces in my time that took 12 months or more to complete. Did birth keepsakes for all my grandchildren but now I can’t see well enough so had to stop doing them..
Glad you’ve got so many interests. Your sit fit class sounds a good one. You sound as though you have a good balance in life.
Scaredycat hope all is going well and you enjoy the christening. Hope you are feeling ok and relaxing a bit.
HVDY the walk took everything out of me. We’re just not used to it. Didn’t go out today but plan to try and walk again tomorrow. What plans have you got for the weekend?
Wyllow glad you managed tte gym without hurting your back.
Are you going to give the painting or sewing a try? I’d love you to get something of interest to do that takes your mind off things but that isn’t taxing.
Sweetpeasue I have found ( or at least I did before I broke my wrist) that I can open the Harpic bottles if I use my left hand but not right.
Obviously not a very nice dream. Something like that can affect us all day. I think our children always move on when they have families of their own. Think it might be a bit different if you have daughters. I’m just pleased mine are good dads and partners. I’m sure a lot of what you’re feeling mentally is down to the constant pain. If you didn’t have that, life would look better. I do hope something improves things for you soon.
Ellie Anne I think daughters have a different bond to their mothers than sons do. It’s a shame yours is so far away and you don’t get to see her that often. Doesn’t help when you are worried about her either. I Hope she’s doing ok.
Weather is supposed to be good this weekend I hope you can get out and go somewhere nice.

Thankyou Wyllow and Nadateturbe You have actually both made me feel a little better about the communication thing between family members. One thing I have noticed in other family members and acquaintances is that some mums expect far more from AC and are capable of 'kicking off' when they feel short changed. Ive never ever done that as I can't see the point of forcing contact--its counter productive and could lead to resentments. It's difficult to discuss on open forum but I can agree with you Wyllow when you say 'I do know he cares and, when I feel the worst, wouldmiss me'.
Nadateturbe '.... they have no idea how we bad you feel..' You are right, the dont. There are v few occasions when Ive told them . We just don't do we?
Thankyou. I think of you too. Hoping you will both sleep.

Doodle Harpic bottles noted - thanks. I believe you've hit nail on the head there as my feelings are influenced by my pain. I feel frightened and isolated.
Yes keep your old bandage if new one is not comfortable.
Incidentally, I noticed a thread about urinary retention. I have that every night too and symptoms of that seem better in day. No idea if this is significant as have had IC for 10 yrs. I know 1 mri scan diagnosed Adenomyosis, which produces a 'bulky uterus' and it's possible that will press on Bladder too. Problems might be more than IC. My IC has never been this bad before.
Wish you a good night's sleep Doodle.

Another equally bad night. Its coming in and posting that brings me into reality, like other people exist, and not in this bad plac alone. But I think I need to get used to this level of depression for the time being. I would love it too, Doodle, something with my hands, but it will come when its ready.

SweetpeaSue Dreams like that can be quite unsettling, can't they? I'm sorry your IC is very bad. I wonder if the constant pain is causing you to have those unpleasant dreams? I hope you managed to sleep ok last night.
Doodle The weather forecast is good again. Think we'll go out and get a couple of shrubs for the front garden. We don't really make plans - DH would happily sit in the house all day - but might see DS1 and girls tomorrow, not sure yet.
EllieAnne I get those "nothing" days too. I think Saturday evenings are the worst for tv. We've got Netflix and sometimes watch that. If having a drink helps you to relax, why not, not and then?
Wyllow I hope your mood lifts today and that you manage to get out or do something nice.
ScaredyCat Hope the Christening went well and that you had a nice day.
nadateturbe, Candy, Nanny, Whiff, all BDers - hope you all manage to have a decent day.

I'm fed-up with the side-effects of these steroids - one is a tremor, so I feel shaky/trembly all the time, which is unnerving when I'm walking or carrying anything. Onl;y 6 more weeks to go x

Wyllow So sorry about your bad night. Ikwym about posting here and the feeling other people exist and not alone. I hope your day is better. Its difficult to find the will to start anything(creative/craft wise) but I think it might help. I'm having difficulty reading books though can browse on GN. Thinking of you.
HVDY Think you're right about the dreams. Feeling alone in pain that appears to be unrelenting and incurable. Hope your visit to Garden centre is nice. It's good to just look at the assortmemt of plants and flowers. Distracting. Youve every right to feel fed up with those side effects. It must be scary and worrying to feel trembly like that. Do you have to start reducing the steroids soon? Sorry if you've already said. Mind isnt good lately.

Hope everyone can have a reasonable day today.

Usual early pain. Difficult passing urine. Taken painkillers and hot water bottle. Helping. Thankyou all for being here, as Wyllow says. It helps. Take care of yourselves everyone.

Wyllow Something you said earlier about contact between family.
Yes its meaningful contact that makes all the difference. Yet for it to be meaningful would have to step out of role of being mum by opening up. So we all continue with this 'yes we're fine'. They, AC, do it too. Dont know what the answer is.

I think mostly daughters have a closer bond, but not mine. I think Sweetpeasue might have a point. Sometimes we (all of us) aren't very open and honest in conversations. I am going to have a good think about this.
I hope your pain has eased Sweetpeasue.
Attempting to paint an easy watercolour.
Wyllow3 something like papier-mache might help. Some frames are quite meditative and help you forget about other things for a little while, as you get absorbed in what you're doing. Just an idea. I hope you're coping today.
HVDY those side effects sound so difficult to cope with. I didn't know steroids could cause them. You'll be counting the days. Hope the garden centre helps for a while.

Someone asked ages ago if I would share a painting. This isn't the best (although I can't do much better, very much a learner, but I enjoy it.)
I just thought it suited the sunny day.

nadateturbe your painting is beautiful. You are like all who enjoy craft of any sort we never think our work is good enough. At my craft group we all criticise our own work . We see faults but no else does. Keep painting and enjoy everything you do. I find my cross stitch addictive. But it relaxes me apart from the time I used metallic thread it drove mad it kept on fraying. But I did it in the end but never used it since.

There are so many things to try craft wise. There is something for everyone. I tried watercolour painting,tapestry, embroidery and air dried clay but because of my hands shaking it was cross stitch that hooked me . Funny enough my hands don't shake when I do it.

Sorry so many of your are suffering physically and mentally . Thanks to you all I got over my melt down. I nice to know you are all here for eachother.

SweetpeaSue I hope your pain has subsided. Does the hot water bottle help? I had 4 weeks of 10 a day, then a week of 9, a week of 8, a week of 7. On 6 daily now, and they'll reduce by 1 weekly until finished.

nadateturbe That's a beauiful picture. I think you've got a real skill there. There's a long list of side-effects. I'll never take them again. The side effects outweigh any benefits (not that I've had any real improvement).

Went to Homebase - DH bought 5 bags of soil for £25, then we went to Morrison's and he saw the price would have been £12 cheaper (but he wouldn't take the stuff back to Homebase). Bought 2 shrubs, and he put them in the front garden. I thought about doing some ironing (but decided I'm too lazy to do it)

How has everyone else been? Wyllow? EllieAnne?

Thanks for your kind comment. Glad you're a bit better Whiff. Good that you eventually found a craft that you can do.
Thanks too HVDY. What a shame about not feeling better, but there's still time.
So annoying to find such a price difference. Much too hot for ironing. Right decision 🙂

NadateturbeIt was myself that asked and I'm so pleased you remembered and showed us your work. Its a lovely picture and I dont know how you got that texturing affect on the wall. Thankyou.Did it take you very long to do? It must ne rewarding to produce something of your own.
Whiff I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little better. It can help to 'get it out' when you are feeling so overwhelmed with sadness and worry. I have done some cross stitch in the past and it's very absorbing. I tried to do some a yr ago but I get really frustrated that my eyesight is not as good. I know you can create your own designs too which is clever. Hope your day has been ok today.
HVDY It's annoying to feel 'robbed'. Homebase must have changed a bit as they were often good value. Double the price for the soil is extortionate. Not sure the hot water bottle does that much really but every little helps and it feels a bit better. Not long to go before those tablets are finished. I had to taper mine down gradually when had them for Polymyalgia but started on a much smaller dose than yourself. You've not been as lazy as Ive been today.

Pain eased off eventually but so tired I went back to bed. When I slept it didnt seem deep then I fell into a state where I wanted to wake up but couldnt as so tired. Heard DH come upstairs to bathroom and tried to wake up. I was holing he'd pop his head round the door so I could open my mouth to make a sound to alert him but he didnt. I knew I was asleep but sort of trapped. I could have sworn son came into room and fell asleep on carpet. Afraid I've been in dressing gown all day. That's terrible isnt it.
How has everyone else's day been?

*Whiff& it's true what you say about us being very sel critical. Our art tutor tells us that continually. We should be more confident.

That reminded me of holidays in the sun nadateturbe lovely and very evocative. Took me straight to sun baked streets and shutters and vivid flowers.

Honesty in relationships with our adult children - the more, the better, as long as both sides can carry that honesty. but its not an all or nothing, one can try to edge things a bit towards it gently. (and it has to be gentle because we are treading carefully). I'm doing better than I ever did before I think...
but if one is very low than it still won't quite "count" inside.

*Sweetpeasue its not terrible at all, it sounded utterly necessary. A day off having to make the effort, you are being a harsh self judge. I now exactly what you mean about that half dream state, get it now and then myself it feels so real and you sort of cant move. Special dressing gown hug.

That is always so frustrating HVDY but then there's always the risk that she number 2 might not have what you wanted.
Excellent ironing decision. Just glad the steroid time will come to an end.

You've been great on the value of crafts, Whiff.

Quakers was very emotional. Just before the meeting I got a text that one of the people am close to his wife had died she had been in hospital but not expected (tho a blessing in disguise probably in the long term).

I was pondering on loss and did Ex ever love me and those I've never been able to grieve for and had tears but relief as its safe in Quakers. I write things down. It was a very special meeting today because the bloke came to the meeting and so hugs and stuff at the end.

Very tired but just did 30 mins at gym on back physio stuff then not he way back collected from m n s what a relief the pairs of trousers in the size I now am not had been and comfy, like a recognition and not trying to go back when tum's going to stay that size larger.

Very low and acute anxiety when I woke up from afternoon sleep, its frightening given states of mind in the past which have take me off grid entirely. I thought, go and do some sewing!!!.

Then I thought yes that is an important aim but not to force it: the other aim of getting some time outside/fresh air more often for MH well being more important while its nice out.

will catch up with any more BD's later xx

Sweetpeasue I've heard of people having a kind of sleep paralysis. I wonder if you're on lots of pills, could they cause it. But it seems to not be an uncommon thing, but probably frightening. Dreams can be really strange and so real, can't they? I kept drifting in and out of sleep this morning and could hear my husband banging about in the kitchen making breakfast. He was still in bed!
Nothing terrible about being in your dressing gown if you're not feeling well. It's probably more comfortable, I wish you felt better.

And thanks. I'm a slow painter, I'm sure it took too many hours to do that window. It takes a long time to mix colours and get the shades right.

Hope you have a reasonable sleep

Hello to all on BD. I hope you have had some enjoyment today.

DH and I went for a short walk this afternoon. We came home hot and exhausted. Surely it wasn’t that long ago we were walking a couple of miles a day. It’s quite shocking how we have deteriorated through lack of exercise.
HVDY my DH has a tremor. Nothing to do with steroids. He’s had it for years. Gradually getting worse and he’s on quite strong meds for it. He finds it really annoying when he’s trying to do something. I bet you do to. Hope you can continue to cut down and your symptoms improve then.
That’s annoying about the soil. Do you have any grass in your front garden or only shrubs?
Wyllow sorry to hear about your fellow Quakers loss. I expect coming to the meeting and having the support of those there must help. Yes I’m sure it must have been an emotional time. Did you know his wife too?
What sort of sewing do you do, dressmaking or furnishings etc?
Hope tonight you can relax more and the BD leaves you in peace tonight.
nadaterurbe I like your painting. Reminds me of summer and can feel the heat. Do you paint a lot?
Sweetpeasuesounds like you were in a really deep sleep and dreaming. DH gets like that at times. Wakes up and swears I’ve told him to take some tablets to the point he’s getting them out of the packet. Sometimes I had a job to convince him it was a dream. I Hope thé problem with passing urine doesn’t happen again. It’s an unpleasant feeling. Hope you have a better night tonight.
Whiff so glad you have a hobby that works for you. Cross stitch is compulsive and good for keeping the mind occupied.
I’m trying to hem a T shirt at the moment. It’s a bit if a struggle with only one working hand but I’m doing ok.
Sleep well all. I’ve had a 🍷 and feel mellow now. 😊
Ellie Anne Scaredycat Nanny Allsorts and all, thinking of you. Hope you are doing ok.

SweetpeaSue It certainly isn't terrible that you've stayed in your dressing gown all day (I did that last Sunday). When you're not feeling well, it's sensible to lounge about in comfortable clothing. I hope tonight is better for you.

Wyllow You're quite right about getting fresh air when possible. I want to try to get out for longer tomorrow. You did well at the gym.

Doodle A friend of mine has got an "essential tremor" but doesn't take anything. It is peculiar. Mine only started when I started the steroids, and I feel wobbly on my legs. Our front garden has a parking space, with the garden either side. Shrubs, and some rockery plants. The back garden is about 70ft long - patio, grass, and a border down one side. You are so good to be able to cope with just one wrist. Enjoy your wine .

I've been on the diet really well today, really careful - then DH handed me a Boost bar so I ate it . Hope everyone have a relaxing evening x