Black Dog 16

Falling not fallout!

I guessed !

Doodle hi, I hope you and your husband are having a good day. I'm glad you've got to church recently. It reminds you that God is always there with you and strengthens you. I always come away feeling more at peace, and it's lovely to meet with others. That's what I feel anyway.
Your views are lovely. For me that's important too. I wouldn't want to feel 'closed in' either. We have views of the sun travelling across the Belfast Hills from our upstairs bedroom. Glorious sunsets. Nature just lifts your spirits.
I think diets would be easier if one didn't have a sweet tooth. Sugar is so moreish.
I enjoyed my glass of wine. The other two ladies polished off almost two bottles of Prosecco. I was happy with one small glass. Not sure they were impressed with my refusal to drink more.

Wyllow3 I had that unwelcome 'things going through the mind' last night, and sods law, meditation didn't work. Awake for 2 hrs. It must be awful for you to cope with it constantly. Meditation does help me though usually. I often use Frank Liddys mindfulness body scan.
I too think that a complex for over 75s might be depressing. I think you would need some younger company. It's so difficult to make a decision isn't it? I sometimes wish we could just appoint a project manager to take care of it.
I liked your paintings. I knew an artist once who had an exhibition called Out of the Darkness, paintings she had done while going through severe depression. She said it was therapeutic.
They can demonstrate how we feel. As your house painting did. I realised some of mine did too. Although not when I was painting them. I called one 'Outside the Circle'.
Do you still paint? (Sorry if you have already talked about this.)
What music do you listen to? Hope you remember to relax and not overdo it. But some fresh air might be good if you can manage it.

Meant to say, My husband and I sleep usually in separate rooms with the doors open. If we slept together mostly I would disturb his sleep, but sometimes vice versa.
We are wondering if one room could accommodate twin beds because we feel a bit lonely some nights. We've never felt it did our marriage any harm, probably the opposite.
We do both like our own space a lot too. Everyone is different.

nadateturbe sorry you had a horrible night. Its worse then, isnt it?

No, I don't do any creative stuff with my hands atm. Before I crashed in 2002/3 I was on an Art MA and solo shows. 2 videos shown internationally.

I have huge amounts of obsessively made work and today am realising that sorting through it is what I seem to need to do atm. (and diary writing on it, which is probably in its own way a creative outlet).

A lot of useful thoughtfulness about meanings in my work - quite a lot was not representational but conceptual (mixed media - videos, installations, sound pieces) - is going on.

Where I crashed was because I cared what others thought - and couldn't cope with criticism nor envy (others on my course hadn't had work shown)

When I stopped I got a block which hasn't shifted really except for odd bits and bobs.

My time with Ex was extremely negative in that regard too. I let him discourage that whole part of myself - it was OK to make nice pics if you see what I mean, but not "weird" (his constant word) work.

I intend to end up with a small body of work that feels good and can celebrate. Ie some process of retrieval and understanding.

A lot of it was autobiographical but I guess going public with personal stuff was very unwise given my character!

Actually doing more - well that will have to come in its own time. Probably it will mean after moving house, and decluttered the past, and still have strong feelings abut Ex hovering sometimes close to unbearable.

You are very right an over 75's with lots of supervision feelings would stifle me in some ways,

I know that really........its just when at lowest it seems the only option is all.

Whiff I like your friends drawing, especially the words.
Thank you for the information. I don't think many know about Hyperekplexia. You've had a long hard road. And then to lose your husband so early. And your son not speaking. Very sad. My son didn't have contact for a few years, it's not easy. And you must miss the gc. I just tried not to think about it too much. What else can you do? But don't give up hope.
I'm glad you're finally somewhere where you've found someone to believe and help you. When I was awarded ESA I cried, not because of the money but because I was believed. It doesn't take away the illness, but it helps a little to know you're being taken seriously.
You're right of course, have to try to be positive, make the best of each day, when possible, and concentrate on what you can do, not what you can't.

Hi all.
Whiff- I really like your friends drawing and also the words tumbling down. They are so true. You write very movingly about your life and there is always something to take from it. I,m glad you are content where you are and making the most of life.
Wyllow - your painting is so good - I especially like the house one. Going through all your work must bring back so many memories - you may be able to hang some of them when you get your new home. You have been very modest about your achievements. It’s a shame your ex made you doubt your ability- it wasn’t weird just your way of expressing your feelings which is what Art is all about.
Nadateturbe- oh how I hate those nights when your mind won’t shut up. I hope you get more peace tonight.
Doodle- hope you,ve had a nice day and some sunshine - we have some today😀! Thank you for telling us about Urmstongran - such a distressing time for her - wishing her strength and support .

Well I better finish packing now- a little bit of everything I guess. Feel a bit more relaxed about going away - thank goodness. Jelly legs and wobbly tummy but better.

Love to all and will pop in when I can .

EllieAnne,SweetPeaSue,Candy, HVDY, Nanny, and all thinking of youxx

Enjoy your holiday Scaredycat. Hope the AF doesn't spoil it too much.
Will remember Urmstongran and her husband in my prayers Doodle.

Safe and best possible travel Scaredycat.

I've spent 2 hours of anxiety about revealing what I did. Get as far as an MA, showing my work. I'm so afraid people will think I must be getting above myself or as my Dad said, "too clever by far".

I'm afraid always if I'm powerful then I will come off badly in one way or another!.
I dont tell people. In art groups I've been to I don't let on becuase I'm afraid they'll think I'll judge their work.

In one MH art group they started asking me advice not the OT and she didn't like it....

In fact the opposite is the case, since "accurate representation" is not what matters, it's the effectiveness of the feelings.

No, it was, "you're too clever by half" and withdrawn love.

Have been sitting in the garden again today after church. I can’t settle to anything.
I’m really upset about my weight and appearance but can’t stop eating rubbish. Haven’t been walking so much either.
Dd didn’t phone today and I didn’t phone her. I couldn’t face a difficult call.
I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely. Church didn’t help at all today,I felt like an outsider.probably my fault because I didn’t feel up to making the effort to chat.
I don’t really fit in. There are a lot of widows and some of them were going to one’s home for lunch. Then there are lots of couples of all ages and many young families. I don’t think there is anyone else who has a husband that no one knows.
Sorry I sound really moany but I’m sad and lonely today.

In fact spent a lot of my life hiding my degrees as
1. Was never able to have a proper career cos of MH
2. It makes people think I must be snobby.

EllieAnne sorry you didn't enjoy church today. It's probably just how you're feeling. Another day, you might feel more part of things and included. I'm sure others have days like that. I know I do. Is there a ladies group meeting in the church where you might get to know people more?
Maybe if you join a slimming group it might help you lose weight, and get fitter.
I think someone suggested U3A, it might be worth a try.
Sometimes I just text my children.
Hope you feel better tomorrow x

Whiff I’m so pleased you finally got a diagnosis. Everyone wants a name for what they suffer from so they can research and seek help from fellow sufferers. Must have come as a shock to discover the hole in your heart. I’m surprised they didn’t find it years ago. I suppose it’s only natural if you go through a prolonged period of ill health it must affect mental health too. It affects energy and willingness to go out, meet others and just get by day to day.
I do hope you get your tribunal soon. It’s been dragging on a while. I think ninny nannie sounds lovely. Such a shame your other grandchildren are missing out on a good relationship.
EllieAnne I was on Alendronic acid for many years. Bit of a faff taking it isn’t it. Not allowed to lay down for a while after. I changed doctors and they asked my why I was on it so I told them I’d been diagnosed with osteoporosis and had been taking it ever since. The new GP could find no trace of anywhere where I’d been diagnosed although she agreed it was in my notes. Sent me for Dexa scan which showed normal results so was told to stop taking it. I think I was on it about 5 years. Yes I was on calcium too as is DH. I can understand being scared about falls if there is increased risk of broken bones.
You and me both on the weight issue. I’m pretty disgusted with the way I look at the moment. Trouble is I love food. Apparently there are people who don’t have cravings for things and never feel that desire to eat things they know are bad for them. Like you, lack of exercise is my problem too.
I expect there are far more people in church that don’t lead blissful lives than you realise. People hide themselves and portray the image they want others to see. I learnt years ago there were a few people I looked at and thought they’ve got it made, everything is great for them because that’s what it looked like. I later found out this was so far from the truth. They had their problems too. You made me feel sad reading your post. I hate the thought of you feeling so lonely.
I know it’s only virtual but I’m instigating a group hug 🤗 for you.
Wyllow that explains it. I wonder why the council imposed that condition. I like your paintings. Glad you decided to post them. The still life is very good and obviously expressing what you feel in the other. Must be hard to put something of yourself out there for people to comment on.
You must be very interested in art to do a MA. I Hope one day you go back to painting when you feel like it.
Wyllow there is nothing wrong or showing off about being clever or having a talent. DH is a real brain box and I am the opposite. You have explored avenues I couldn’t dream of and there is nothing wrong with that. Good for you. What a shame you haven’t been more supported in your life. Your father wasn’t nice to say that to you. I believe we all have skills and talents of some kind and it’s a shame if we don’t use them.
Please don’t feel you have to hide yourself here. You’re not in the least snobby. I just feel it’s sad you never reached your full potential because of your MH problems.
nadateturbe thank you for thinking of Urms. Such a lovely lady. I agree with you I always feel more peaceful after church. The church I go to is small but very pretty. I like the quiet time just to sit and think for a bit.
I’m often awake at night because too much is going on in my mind. If I slept in my own I could toss and turn as much as I like but I don’t want to wake DH up. If I really can’t get to sleep I go and sit in the lounge for a bit till I feel tired…….then in the morning I can’t wake up.
Your views sound lovely too. Something nice or interesting to look out on us important.
Scaredycat I’m glad you feel better about going on your trip. That shows an improvement I think. I’m sure you will have a good time. I Hope the weather is good for you and you get some sunshine.
HVDY and Candy and Sweetpeasue hope you’ve had a good weekend.
I’ve been watching whatever happened to the Likely Lads on ITV X. It’s so funny to see what they are wearing and the different attitudes from so long ago. Quite takes me back.

Very warm thoughts for you EllieAnne on what was clearly a very bad day. Some days one just can't "connect". I hope you feel better tomorrow. Being lonely at home with someone is worse than alone.

Very wise words on what's really going on inside people, Doodle. the pressures to appear OK are very great. It's really tough both of you to lose weight when so much else is going on. Uphill work keeping up personal appearance. You're not having good nights there, Doodle. Does MrD still need watching all night?
I know what you mean when its better to come downstairs.

We should have a mutual alert system for the wakeful hours when all is dark and alone.

Yes I was a brain box - but never managed to do the professional jobs I was qualified for - or unprofessional jobs or voluntary work for that matter. Ran at them like a whirlwind like still do some stuff and inevitably it got too much.
Just glad I had a job as a mum and house manager cos that went well enough.

Been a busy day today and just got round to reading everyone's posts. So much I could say to everyone but won't be able to write so much.

Whiff You've had such a difficult life with your HPX and losing your DH so young. When you mention him the love you shared comes through your words. It's a cruel fact of life that the more we love the harder is the loss. Such a terrible loss for you and then the estrangement from your son. You are a brave lady. It is a is an awful thing to not be believed when you had HPX and the sudden jerking limbs. What a difference it made to your life when you moved. As you say-you were just existing before - but now live life fully. I so hope you get the Disability Allowance sorted soon as its been withheld unfairly all these years.
EllieAnneI'm sorry you have had such a bad day. I think when we feel so low everything seems bleak and it's difficult to think straight. I dont think we need to always expect ourselves to be on top of things socially. Everyone has times when we dont feel like chatting to others. Its an isolating feeling when we are amongst others and we really don't want to be there. That lonely feeling is so common amongst us here. We all have that connection to Wyllow's painting of the little house. I think you are suffering in a way that's particularly hard because of the cold relationship and atmosphere with your husband. I hope you will feel a little better now the weekend is over and your week brings you other distractions. Thinking about you. 💐
Nadateturbe I really hope you have a better night tonight. The nighttime hours are so very long. You say you cried with relief when your ESA was awarded as at last you felt believed. It is needed so much, that validation of being believed, in so many circumstances and I can really understand that. It is a lonely place when others, even close loved ones, are 'Outside the Circle'. A brilliant description, I think. Do hope you sleep better tomight.
Wyllow Those paintings look so good and the one with the house in the background so very moving. I am so glad you had those glasses of wine so we got to see them. I love to see all of these lovely pictures and it's special when someone allows us to see them. It must be horrible to be criticised after putting all of yourself into creating something. It's sort of not criticism of the art but criticism of the person because the person is in the art. Oh dear I'm sounding a bit stupid but I hope you see what I mean.
I'm not competitive at all and I think that everyone has their own achievement in their own work. I can see how very uncomfortable you feel about being put in a situation where all the work produced was being judged. I hope looking at your pieces will bring you some happy memories as well as the inevitable sadness.

After usual early morn pain cleared we had nice morning at new discovered little farmstore and cafe, browsed some charity shops for books and just as walking back to car knee suddenly felt pain and a 'giving way' inside. Couldnt put weight on it at all, so hopped to car which fortunately, not far away. Panicky thoughts in car - - do we have crutches (no) how will I get to Dentist/Counsellor /Drs. Put warmth on it at home though no swelling. Sis turned up unexpected so that was nice but couldn't give full attention. After they left found could put weight on it a bit but still felt something was going to give and sharp pain. What on earth will I do if its like this tomorrow. Was told 5 yr ago meniscus not in line-don't really understand but I'm in a fix. Bladder procedure and going back to 1st consultant needs sorting. 🤦 Feeling so blxxxy fed up.

Hope everyone is ok. Sorry cant write anymore just now. Thinking of all those not mentioned. Xx

Doodle Echoing Wyllow Such wise words and caring for everyone.
Scaredycat Hope you feel more relaxed once you're on your way. Wishing you a lovely time.
HVDY Do hope you're ok and the rash hasnt got any worse.
EllieAnne Joining everyone in that group hug for you. x

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I’ve looked into u3a before but will check it out again.
I know people all have problems but I think in many churches singles and people like me don’t quite fit.
And you remember the lady I had issues with? She once implied that I give off unfriendly vibes and maybe she was right.
She’s not around much at the moment thank goodness.
But the do have some good friends in and out of the church so can’t be that bad.
I’ve considered a slimming club but even the thought stresses me out. I hate being the centre of attention.
Sleep well everyone

Wyllow3 What a shame that other people have made you feel like that instead of supporting you .
Your husband and father have a lot to answer for.
You sound like a very intelligent talented lady, who should be proud of her achievements.

A quote springs to mind "Who are you not to be brilliant?". Marianne Williamson.
Maybe read it sometime.

EllieAnne That lady was very wrong indeed! I'm sure you certainly do NOT give off ' unfriendly vibes'.
You always come across here as a v honest and modest person who does so much for her son and helps out a lot, without any support from anyone close to you. I think I come across as being very bland here most of the time but that woman was mean and unkind to say that to you. You must not believe a word of it. Your assessment of yourself is true and correct, in that you have made good friends in church and out so you are certainly a lovely and valued person.
Although it might seem extremely hard to join a slimming club, Ive no doubt in my mind that were you to do so, it's v likely you will meet others who have the same feelings about themselves, such as lack of confidence about their weight and you will make more friends. Take care of yourself EllieAnne. We all are here for you. x

Evening all, back home now and all caught up.
Whiff what a difficult time you have had but you seem to have made the very best of what you’ve got which must have taken a lot of determination and courage. I’m glad you’ve finally got a good medical team around you. It makes all the difference I know.
Nadaterturbe sorry you had a difficult night. I’ve had those too and always worse at night I think. I use the Calm app. It has sleep stories and meditations. Even when I’m not anxious, I just need to focus on something to divert my mind and be able to switch off. The sleep stories usually work, although not always.
Scaredycat I hope you’ve finished your packing. I hate packing but always worth it. I hope you have a lovely break. Hope the AF is ok.
Wyllow your paintings are lovely. You are very talented. I think a “younger “ group of people would be better for you too. When my MiL first met her 3rd DH, he lived on a very large housing estate mostly of bungalows but everyone there was “seriously old” and as time passed, she ended up being an unpaid carer for lots of them. They didn’t stay there as she had nothing in common with them. You’re not ready for all that yet. Good luck with your med review. You are entitled to one. I recently booked one with my GP. They used to do them as a matter of course but have fallen back since covid I think.
Sweetpeasue I’m glad you had a nice morning. The weather’s beautiful here at the moment. Shame about knee pain. I hope it’s eased now. Probably, after a good rest tonight it’ll be easier for you tomorrow. I hope so. I hope you get the urology appointments sorted too.
Ellie Anne I hope you have managed the weekend ok and enjoyed your time in your garden. Sorry you’ve had a low period. Sometimes, we don’t feel up to chatting. I’m quite a shy person and have to make a real effort. Hopefully, there will be someone who you can connect with. Are there any WI groups in your area. There’s a fairly new one where I live and I haven’t been because I just don’t have the time, but it’s certainly something I would consider. I think their image has changed a lot from what they used to be, with younger people going as well as older which should give a good mix.
Doodle Ah, the likely lads - haven’t seem it for years. I. Just take a look at ITVX. I keep meaning to but never do 🙄. Hope you’ve had a nice day. Thinking of Urmstogran and rooting for her and her DH. How kind of you to think about her.
HVDY hope you enjoyed your time in the sun. You have a double whammy really, trying so hard to lose weight whilst taking a drug that makes you hungrier! Must be so hard for you. You deserve a treat now and again. Enjoy it and don’t feel guilty about it either! I hope the rash has eased too.

Back to work for me tomorrow, starting with a 7 am swim. Hope all have a restful night and sending special ❤️ To all those not personally mentioned xx

I think you wrote quite a lot for not much Sweetpeasue. I hope a rest is all your knee needs. Maybe a walking stick will help if not.
EllieAnne I don't think much of the lady who implied about the vibes.
Doodle You are so caring in your responses to everyone.
I hope you manage to sleep. It must be difficult having to get up and sit in the lounge. But better than disturbing one's partner. I've been there.

Hello to those I haven't mentioned. I hope you all have a peaceful night. x

Waves to Candy and Sweetpeasue and all for a better night …
For all of us!

Sweetpeasue hope your knee is better soon and Candy best wishes for the busy week ahead and early start.

Nadateturbe When I see others problems it makes me sad and I end up writing more than intended but I think that is what makes BD 'work'. We realise we are not alone. Hope you sleep better tonight. x