Black Dog 16

Hoping to hear from Doodle and that just - any - progress has been made. I reflected this morning on how hard it was having a gardener round I was so out of it so can understand a “cleaning stranger” would be stressful at this point.

It’s good to be candid that being with the family can be a mixed blessing Candy. Each family so different as are we and it’s hopefully a matter of finding the right way to be with them so’s everyone feels the positives. A relief to read your “nothing sinister”news ie no cysts or worse fears, it seems as if its going to be the long haul of trying things out -but it does indeed seem HRT is a good idea for you.
Your counsellor is right - if you can’t feel the feelings then you don’t have the information on which to base life choices. I don’t know you well, but it seems from your posting that you do seem weller than before but still “have feelings?” and adventure there ahead with your son.

* IME the “right” MH drugs for anyone of us is that they enable one to feel things at a level where it’s bearable*. That’s different for say depression from say psychosis: some extreme MH conditions are so bad that the compromise is less feelings but less bad voices in the head or being able to live in the community safely or make life bearable.

As regards anti-depressants, its not correct to say they all have a “muffling” effect. Some do and its needful particularly when very big levels of unbearable anxiety too, but there are other groups in what I’d describe as the “get up and go” category where you actually start feeling feelings instead of a muffled constant greyness.

*Sweetpeasue” you say “It's very true that we can lose who we are as life passes by and with myself I think it's about trying to 'fit in' with what I think others want me to be” Oh my goodness yes in spades! I think it’s quite often that when we have Mh problems we have a poor sense of self at some points and wanting to be accepted or loved means we try to be what we think others want. Well I should talk, letting abuse happen for years because of being convinced I had to be such and such!

My current sort of “negotiations” about it being able to be myself with family is coming out of the “I must go along to be loved or even “be” someone at all. Its hard, isnt it Sweetpeasue? but really, to find ones own authentic life - like the struggles Whiff went through - have to be worth the effort, we only have one life. Even starting at the ages we are. I hope today has had less pain for you.

I wish I could magic an effective drug for you Scardeycat because of the fear involved when you feel the bad episodes.

HVDY its been some long time since I paid vets bills ….hope you are putting your feel up today after yesterday but probably you arent!

The Halfords “incident” was so powerful for me because in order to see my family and enjoy it, in order to have more confidence even fairly locally tbh, never mind getting round a new place, is impossible without a satvav so its seemed very dark as the cost of replacing the cigarette unit in my car would run well into over £1000 as its so “built in”.

I can’t use public transport - too many fears of being stranded. Had them too many years to know I can change this in my life. My car is part of my life support system - I feel safe in it, like I’m in a little bit of home when I am between places. Outside of that safe feeling all is chaos, I’m afraid.

Made a couple of bits of enquiries about moving - just set up an alert for retirement flats in Rightmove - but needing to let it lie, to think about really having done so much in so short a time.

But who’d have believed it later yesterday - my family have been going on about satnav features on my mobile and I started playing around with it - and got it working. Its a smaller screen so won’t be able to look at the route without stopping but has a voice that tells me where to go - and it looks like this will have to be “good enough”.

Totally out of it with tiredness today - in bed and accepting to fighting it - but I’m glad my gardener came in the morning, as the garden isn’t reminding me now how little I can do and its now nice to look out on.

While she was here I looked for things to do and went to the attic (gradual shedding plan) and found all the stuff both around when I was discharged traumatically 2017 and my later complaint 2020 (complained with no success).

All the time I put into it! the angst. The anger. it nearly having an effect on my treatment in the present. In the blue bin, most of it. All the energy to no or little effect, except it has now fully dawned on my MH Older Adult helpers cause and effect.. nevertheless it would be better from now on to choose my battles more wisely…

Best wishes all BD’s for your days.

Good afternoon everyone. You've all been so busy posting since I was last on. I'll have to read a bit at a time.
I'm having a short break from art classes to leave me energy to see my sister who is quite ill, and do other things and let my body rest for a while. I feel less stressed.
The amitriptyline for pain is also helping me sleep better which is helping me physically. Doodle your lack of sleep must be so debilitating.
I'll be back when I have read everything.

Wyllow3 you will move on and have an enjoyable life. You have the strength!

Hi all.
Wyllow- you are such a strong person that you will beat those negative thoughts . That was your past but now you have a future to look forward to and I just know you will be able to cope with whatever comes your way. Shame about the Sat Nav - is it something that can be fixed? Hope today is better for you.
Doodle- hope by now DH has had the endoscopy and it wasn’t too uncomfortable for him. You must long for just one day when there is nothing for you both to have to go through.
Oh maybe the digoxin helped to regulate his Heart Rythym - is he still taking it? I take rate and rythym meds but at the moment they are not helping as much. Is he having an ablation or cardioversion? I,m pleased he is unaware of his heartbeat - that is the worst bit for me as I feel it most of the time.
EllieAnne- I wish so much things were better for you. I hope the visit with your DD will turn out to be good for you both. She must be happy that you can see her quite often. Will think of you.
SweetPeaSue- glad the tummy ache lessened yesterday. I think HVDY could be right about PTSD- often people who have traumatic hospital stays can be affected with it.
I,d love to see the sea urchin - perhaps there’s an explanation of how to do photos on GN. I did one once but can’t remember how. Glad you got out though - good for mind and body.
I don’t think you wallow at all but maybe you could just let the thoughts come for a specific time then put them to one side and plan something nice to do?
People love you for who you are - you are kind loving and thoughtful- just be yourself.
HVDY- Glad you had a good Birthday- you deserve it.
Yes good job the little cat is insured - I don’t understand why vets fees are quite so expensive.hope he’s better soon.
Sorry your legs are playing up today. Do they hurt more if you do too much ?
Whiff- I just love to read your posts they are full of hope and positivity.
You are right about animals helping people with dementia. Our very much loved friend with Alzheimer’s hardly speaks but when his sons dog is with him he is so much happier and relaxed.
Sharing your thoughts with us helps us too - thank you.
Candy- glad you are enjoying your time with the family . Exhausting but memories to treasure I bet.
Thank you for your kind words . No you don’t really get any support much but I have spoken to the BHF who as you say are good for information and support and another arrhythmia organisation online.
Glad your gynae appointment went well and I expect put your mind at rest a bit. Three months should help you discover whether the HRT is causing problems or not.
Hope you,ve enjoyed what sounds like a fun day today.
SusieWakie- hope you found the new thread. How are you today?
Nadaturbe- you too.

Love to all

Sorry-incentive

Whiff Your positivity when faced with so much is an inspiration. You say, simply, so much in your posts. I'm sure your that your account of how your move provided a new start to your life and gave you so much will be an inve tive to Wyllow as she thinks about moving. It's very true that we can lose who we are as life passes by and with myself I think it's about trying to 'fit in' with what I think others want me to be. We all play so many roles dont we? Its really sad that your son is missing out on his mum but you have done your best and its 's a blessing that you have friends that, as you say, don't let you down. I hope you're having a good day painwise too.
Doodle Thoughts have been with you both today. I' m not sure if your DH has had the endoscopy yet but very much hope it wasn't too bad for him.

Afternoon all. Sorry I’ve not been on much but as you may know, I’m away with family and it’s been hectic to say the least! Nice though but I know some of you will understand that it can be stressful at times too, more good than bad though 😀.
Thanks to Scaredycat for creating a new thread, much appreciated.
I’ve finally caught up and at last have the opportunity to respond but I have been thinking of you all.
Scaredycat I’m sorry you struggle so much with your AF. Do you get any support from a specialist nurse I wonder? A friend of mine has just retired from the NHS and it’s what she did. We also had a lot of support from my son’s specialist nurse (different condition). I really don’t know what we’d have done without her at times. It’s that link between the patient and consultant and is invaluable I think. I’ve heard that the British Heart Foundation is good too? Sorry if I’m just repeating advice that’s already been given, I’m sure you’ve explored all avenues. I hope you are ok today.
Sweepeasue sorry you had bowel issues again and I hope they’re still settled. I hope your gynae appointment comes through soon. I feel I’m just starting the process. Had my gynae. appointment yesterday. Thankfully they didn’t find anything sinister and advised to stay on the lower dose of HRT and monitor if for 3 months. If I’ve still got problems then, they’ll do a biopsy and fit a mirena coil at the same time. It’s interesting that your bleeding started when you came off HRT as I think it’s the HRT that’s causing mine. I had problems some years ago on it but didn’t go through the tests then as I just came off it and it stopped. I don’t really want to come off it now though as I really think it helps with my joint problems. Anyway, enough about me, I hope you are not suffering at the moment.
Doodle I’m sorry your DH is still having problems and hope his procedure goes well today. It’s so exhausting for you both but you are clearly very close and I’m sure your continued support is invaluable to him. I hope you both get some respite from it all soon.
HVDY happy belated birthday. Sounds like you were spoilt and deservedly so. Well done in helping your son with his house move. What a great Mum you are and I’m sure both your sons appreciate you very much. I feel like I’ve got this to come - my son will be moving in the summer so it’ll all start for me then! The place he’s moving to is only small though due to cost but it’s the logistics that’ll be difficult- moving from part of London to another is no mean feat! I hope the steroids are helping you and that you are managing to control your appetite. Difficult for you I’m sure. Hope the cat is doing ok. Our pets are like our family and we feel it when they’re poorly too. Hope your DH is doing ok.
Wyllow sorry too you’ve had a difficult time. Your counselling session sounded painful but I hope it gave you some release from difficult feelings and emotions. It takes a while to process these things before we feel any benefit I think. My counsellor is a strong believer in that “feelings have to be felt” and I believe she’s right. I think by me taking the AD’s stop this to a certain degree by “blocking” feelings and emotions but at least I don’t get severe lows and feelings anymore so I’m grateful for that. It’s a balance I suppose. You did so well in looking after your MiL for all that time. I would have that so difficult. You must be so resilient. I’m glad your MRI went well. Just the thought of being in an enclosed space scares me but it appears the machines are different these days to what I imagined. I hope you get your results soon and it all gets sorted satisfactorily. Hope your bad back is getting better. My DH suffers too and it can be so debilitating.
Whiff I’m so sorry what’s happened with your son. Hopefully one day, when your grandchildren are older, they will realise what’s happened and want to contact you. I’m glad you’ve had some release through letting go of hope though. Life throws difficult things at us at times but somehow we get through. You’ve already been through such a lot and I’m sure you’ll come through this too. At least you are happy you made your house move. It’s something I contemplate from time to time and I’m glad it’s worked out for you. The Brain Charity sounds as if it’s a wonderful support to you too.
Ellie-Anne I’m sorry you are struggling. I hope you are getting through and the meeting with your DD goes well tomorrow.
I’m off now to a family lunchtime meet up. Playing indoor games this afternoon as weather is bad. Hope everyone has as good a day as is possible and will be back when I can.
Love to all, and to those not personally mentioned xx

Doodle Best of luck to your husband today, hope all goes well x

Scaredycat glad you started a new thread. BD is a safe haven for so many.

Clonazepam has stopped my jerks and siezures but doesn't take away pain. But having the jerks and seizures was very painful as they where very violent . No warning they would happen but at least I was always awake. Doodle I feel for your husband it's horrible not to have control over your body. And his legs are already painful with all the movement which he can't control it just adds to the pain and is exhausting. It's horrible when you can see no end to it happening. When I was put on the Clonazepam my neurologist didn't know it would help or not. Thank goodness it did. And after my diagnosis found out he had put me on the right treatment. Having the increase has made my legs feel so much better . Before they felt like planks attached to them. Now they just feel like my legs. Took 32 years before my body was still. But better late than never.

Doodle it's so exhausting for you both plus you have the added worry for your husband and he probably feels guilty it's happening. A horrible vicious circle to be in. Been there as it's how I felt and then my husband felt guilty for having cancer. But to be loved and to love in return and be with the other half of yourself you can face whatever life throws at you. The good,bad and down right ugly. I know from your posts you cherish every minute together love doesn't conquer all but it's what gets you through everyday.

Wyllow moving is stressful enough without out mental and physical health problems. But you are stronger than you think and if you move it will the start of a new life. Decluttering is exhausting but I found it very freeing and it decluttered my mind. It gave me chance to let go of things but also things to do with my husband's cancer. Plus had the satisfaction of know my things raised money for charity but also helped people furnish their home. Most of my furniture went to charities that helped people get into a home after living on the street. I thought it would be to old but the lovely men who collected everything said it was all well looked after and their clients would love everything. And have no trouble finding new homes for everything.

Moving for me meant a new better life. I live it to the full I no longer just exist. And think I have said before I found me . I didn't realise I had lost me. We get so wrapped up in caring for others,dealing with health problems theirs and yours we get stuck with our labels . And some where along the way we lose us. But it's all the labels which makes us able to face whatever life throws at us no matter how horrible.

I don't regret moving one bit. What my son has done is what he wanted and can finally give up any hope of seeing him or my grandson's again. And as much as it hurts it's a relief to let go of that hope. I was just torturing myself with that hope. I will always feel the loss but my husband dieing and living everyday without him is far worse.

I don't have a pet but have friends who do and as much as a worry they can be at the end of the day they never let you down. I know my brother and sister in law's Jack Russell knows when her MS is really bad as she just lies by her and doesn't demand to play ball. I do think from what friends have told me their pets know when they need extra comfort and give it . That's why animals help people in homes and hospices. I know stroking a dog or cat clams dementia patients down. Even if they forget everything else they remember how to do that. Through going to the Brain Charity event day found out that dementia and Alzheimer's patients who couldn't talk would sing . Our brains our amazing they can put us through hell but they can unlock a person who is trapped by just singing. The Brain Charity is a wonderful organisation and deals with everything to do with the brain . A friend at craft though they only helped with physical things but they don't the help with physical and mental health. It's been running 30 years now. So glad I found it last year and that was only be accident.

There is so much help only wish I had found it years ago but it's only because I moved 100+ miles finally getting what I needed .

Sorry to miss everyone else out. But do thank you all for sharing as it's helped me so much .. 🤗

DoodleJust want you to know I'm thinking of you both tonight.

I hope its is better, Ellie Anne.

Maybe I feel a bit different about my cleaner as I'm on my own Doodle I can hear that its not easy for you at all, perhaps the spring clean. Crossing fingers tramadol helps. ..and, thank you.

Night all.

* EllieAnne* Im glad you will be seeing your DD and I hope everything will go ok. I dont understand how to start a new thread either, you're not alone.
Wyllow What you have been through, and still are, must be so traumatic and undermining. Your counselling session sounded so very painful. I don't know how the human spirit survives such awful stuff but it must be so much stronger than we can truly believe.
The sat-nav is invaluable for you. We need new one too as DH said it would nt take a new programme for our holiday journey - hence our getting lost on unfamiliar roads. Son says it's too old.
Wishing you an undisturbed night but I know that may not be possible. Good you went for your swim.
Doodle I missed your post too. Will think of your DH tomorrow. Is he able to have sedation? Not sure if various hospitals do things differently but my DH had an endoscopy about 8yrs ago with sedation and couldnt remember anything about it. I know everyone is different. I'm sure he will be glad to get it over with. Much love. X

Wyllow, yes, it's good to have new people on the thread too. You've made such progress after all that happened with your ex. You're a strong person and will get through all this. You've got great self-awareness and strength of character.

Doodle. Thanks, I had a lovely birthday and lots of great gifts. Son's GF's cat will be kept at the vet's, on a drip and catheter, until at least Thursday. Luckily, it's insured. Would a cooling pad (B&M, Amazo, etc sell them) help on your husband's legs? Or a hot water bottle with cold water in?

EllieAnne I hope Thursday with your daughter goes well. Hopefully, the traffic won't be bad. Have you been out today?

SweetpeaSue I'm getting on ok with the steroids, thanks. I don't expect to see any results yet. In fact my legs are quite painful today, but it'll pass. I wonder if you've got PTSD? It would be no surprise if you have. It might be worth mentioning it to someone.

Nadateturbe, Whiff, all BDers (sorry I can't remember the new lady's name) - hope you all have as restful a night as possible. x

Whiff It is so heartbreaking that your son refuses to be in contact with you. You are being tormented through no fault of your own. I know that our AC can be greatly influenced by their partners and not sure if this is the case here but it all seems beyond your control. I hope your daughter is back home today to reassure you and give you some TLC.
What an amazing drug the Clonazapam has been for you. Such a shame it wasn't discovered earlier for your rare condition but it's wonderful you have it now. I hope you managed to get into your garden today. Here we are now getting all the rain you got yesterday!
HVDY What a late night you had last night - a treat seeing the deer though. Your son will be so pleased with all your hard work. You must be exhausted after all that and then your own washing too. Ive hardly any tummy pain today thanks. Back is getting worse but had a walk which helps. Are you feeling ok on the steroids you've started?
Scaredycat Hope you're feeling stronger and your sister is improving.
I started the day not wanting to get up-so depressed- but sorted myself out later. Thst was lovely what you said to Whiff, about wanting to heal the hurt. I hope the AF will ease off soon. Is your Dr's appointment soon?
Nadateturbe Hope your day has been ok. I know you have to pace yourself and it must be awful to have the disturbed nights so much.. The bleeding usually lasts around 5 dys(like a period) when I get it but havent had it for a month now. It had stopped for 3 mths befote that but taking me off HRT started it again. I'm still waiting for Gynaecology appt at new hospital that I was referred to last November.
Wyllow I hope your back isnt so bad today. They can take a while to improve if you've pulled ligaments or strained it. Mine has never been right since 'that' op but walking seems to help. I liked your description of Quakers being an 'island of peace'.
Hope you won't have to wait too long for the MRI results. I was thrown into peri-menopause at 43 after mum diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. Never missed periods before then unless pregnant. After research decided on HRT for the known benefits though less popular then.
Doodle I eally hope your night wasnt as bad last night-I hardly dare ask. I hadn't heard of paroxetine for hot flushes. Thinking of your DH's pain, it would be good if he found the Tramadol helpful. Have you been told what the cause of his Peripheral Neuropathy is. He has so many issues going on I expect there could be many.

Sorry of I've missed people out. I waited till Scaredycat started the new BD as I dont know how to do it so jotted down your prev posts so mightnt be up to date.
I jad bad afternoon yesterday eith bowel but been fine today with tummy. Just this awful zombie-like existence and so empty. Feel guilty saying that. Wake up and first things through my head are the Dr's covering up and deceit, all the while I was in pain and it's like groundhog day. I am truly not 'wallowing' its just first thing in my head and then I try to put all the 'jigsaw' pieces together and I see the whole picture of deceit.
Psychologically I feel the damage can't be undone and it scares me being in this hole.
Anyway I dragged myself out for a walk and it helped. I found a v large sea urchin which was extraordinary. I have photo bu dont know how to attatch it here.

Love to all amd wishing you a peaceful night in body and mind. X

Ellie Anne I think it’s still Easter break on Thursday so hope the traffic will be lighter on your trip. I hope it makes you feel better rather than worse but understand the anxiety. Thinking of you too.

Thanks for the new thread. I’m not sure how to do that.
I’m still struggling with everything and wanting to disappear.
Going to see dd on Thursday which may help or maybe make things worse. Read all the messages and think about you all.

HVDY thanks for your kind thoughts. I will look into some of the things you mention. He can’t take antihistamine as it reacts with something else he’s taking (can’t remember what) but will look into the others.
Yes I think portion control can be helpful in cutting down. Took me a long time to reduce potatoes as we love them. Down to 150g each now hitch helps.
Wyllow I think tramadol is certainly on the cards for DH. We will find out Thursday. With regard to the privacy thing, it’s not so much private papa era or anything like that it’s more that DH and I just like being on our own. We obviously have friends round and that but don’t really like people working in our home. Also I have a particular way of cleaning things. They would have to do it better than me for me to be happy.
Your MRI sounds so cosy you could have had a nap. DH is due to have an endoscopy tomorrow but isn’t looking forward to it as his gag reflex is quite strong.
Whiff that’s incredible you looked after your MIl all those years, a woman you didn’t like. Looking after someone is a big responsibility I’m amazed you took it on but just goes to show what sort of person you are. Your son and his family are missing out.
Interesting to read about the meds that help you. DH is on clonazepam to help him sleep but it doesn’t overcome the pains in his legs or the RLS which has got so much worse recently.
Must be nice to have a garden to be in. Do you like gardening?
HVDY hope your son’s GFs cat is better. Sounds painful.
You sons are so lucky to have you taking such good care of them. Wish I had half your energy.
See I new I’d forget your birthday on the day that’s why I wished you happy birthday in advance 😊. Hope you had a lovely day.
Last night was a bit better thank you. Fingers crossed for tonight.
nadateturbe so many people take amitryptiline (sorry can’t spell it). It’s obviously a useful drug with many uses. Thank you for your kind wishes.
Scaredycat DH did have digoxin so that may have put his heart back into rhythm. They say he will still need the ablation but not sure how they will go about that if he can’t take the blood thinner.
I’m beginning to realise how much the AF must affect you. At least DH doesn’t have palpitations. He says he’s not aware he has a heart problem at all. Hope you’ve had a good day.
Thank you HVDy for saying we’re all like family. That’s nice 😊. Also Wyllow good to point out that others are most welcome to join us too. Nice to hear from other people. Some post a lot, others now and then.
Wyllow what a shame about your sat nav on top of what else you’ve dealt with today.
I know you’re feeling low but I also truly believe you will come through this. You have a strength of character and self awareness that many don’t have. You have been through a lot and it keeps coming back to knock you back when you're making progress. I have someone I care for who keeps getting knocked back and they stagger from the blow but then pick themselves up and keep going. I know you will too. Take care

Yes, and new family members or occasional visitors - all welcome, yes some of us do know each other well but you are always welcome. and -

you dont have to reply to everyone when you post - its the individuals choice, for some days all one can do it squeak a bit.

HVDY what a great set of achievements today! Carry on like this and the pounds will drop off…well done you.

Whiff so understandable - how much it hurts.

Scardeycat, Sweetpeasue EllieAnne Nadaturbe Candy How have your days been?

A very tough day here in the end.
Plan was to go to Halfords for fitting satnav, then just a shower at the gym, then counselling, then needed sleep.

But relevant chap at Halfords was not in as promised, so made an appointment unwillingly for 4pm. Went to gym and did a 20 mins swim (I’m pleased with that bit)

Counselling was very painful. Of course I’ve done lots of positive stuff about plans to move and got pretty excited about it: but suspected that fears and doubts would follow, and so they did. But most painful was some stuff that came up about Ex. some very cruel things he did in the last year together that I didn’t even spot as negative manipulation. Too intimate to explain.

Since I had “time to fill” I decided to transfer all the stuff I have on my computer which is basically all the evidence of abuse should I ever need it (or to remind me if I start idealising!). Most was transferred quickly from a folder, but I had to get some stuff off the computer photos programme, read, name, and then transfer. More realisations of its awfulness, but i thought, “oh well, I’m going to hang on and do something positive at the end”

But when the bloke had fitted the satnav he tried to plug it into the cigarette lighter which is the power source for the satnav, it had burnt out. Yup: Ex, in the month where we had moved out but not split, he had use of the (then Joint) car. Not only had he had a collision and 3 tickets, but had deliberately burnt out the power source. The bloke was really kind and didn’t charge for the time, but it was another “bring it all back”.

so on a big low where all is too much and I’ll never be able to move on and enjoy life etc etc.

. We're all like family x

That’s amazing isn’t it. Xxx

Do you know what’s really nice is that three of us were trying to crate the new thread at the same time. Just shows we need it to continue 😊.

Thanks, ScaredyCat, I've asked for my thread to be removed now.

Thank you. Will go back and read up on BD15

I noticed that HVDY also started a thread: so many thanks, great minds thought alike x

Well done Scaredycat. I was just about to do it and I saw you had started us off again. Thank you.,
Be back later. I will have to go and read up from 15 x

Hi All hope I have done this properly and you have all found BD 16