Black Dog 17

Like Whiff, I have to read things several times before something sinks in - it's another reason why I don't post long messages, so forgive me if I get things wrong. I fell asleep (I NEVER do that) at 8.45 last night - I hadn't even had a drink , woke up 3 hours later and then was awake for 3 hours.

nadateturbe Such a shame about you not being near to your GC. My friend is the same - her son moved with his GF, to a different city, and she's only seen the baby twice (baby is 9 months now). They don't send her photos or anything. Your estrangement is so unkind by your son. When your GC are of an age when they can make their own choices, I hope they'll seek you out.

Wyllow3 The relationship you've got with your 1st ex sounds very good. I'm glad you've got someone who understands you and is on the same wavelength. We all need that. Perhaps in time, your relationship with your DIL might change.

SweetpeaSue The spinning wheel thing - you need to install an ad-blocker on your computer/'phone. I'm so sorry you have been very upset again. I'd hoped you'd get some answers about your problems, after your procedure. I hope you will, and that today will be better for you.

Whiff Like you, I'd always been the "planner" in our house. I used to book the holidays, travel insurance, airport parking, etc., and I'd buy the new clothes, do the washing, ironing and packing, clean the house, arrange for cat-sitters. All my DH had to do was deal with the currency. I like being organised, and having some routine. How's your friend's cat? The poor thing. We used to hand-feed a fox in our kitchen, years ago. It didn't bother our 3 cats at all.

Baby still isn't here - DIL didn't bother to go for the sweep yesterday. Cesaerean is scheduled for Monday (she opted for that anyway) under G.A., unless of course, she goes into labour today or tomorrow. I had a very pleasant time with my friend yesterday, and had cake and ice cream - she goes to Slimming World every week . My legs have been very painful, so I'll try these ice packs today. Hope ALL BDers manage to have adecent day x

Whiff the delightful little creature sitting on the mushroom made me smile.

I thought it might be like that, Sweetpeasue the day after. Hugs.

Popped in to see if any sign of a new baby HVDY as well as "hellos" , best with the ice packs.

No sign of the baby yet, Wyllow3. If she's not here by Monday morning, it'll be the planned Cesaerean by general anaesthetic . How are you today?

Cake and ice cream HVDY?? Very naughty 😁 thanks for kind comments.

nadateturbe Yep, we're both greedy and fat

Just had v panicky time afyer tech phone man cleared my history (apparently malware, Aldi, on chrome search site,) he got rid of it but coming back to GN my posts as sweetpeasue went to gobbledegook name so couldnt get back to GN as my ID cleared. Its my lifeline!Or v much feels like it.
I thought I'd managed to move on a bit from what happened but my head keeps filling with all previous lies leading to my current pain. Have fear of Urologist labelling what I think is IC with Chronic Pelvic Pain. Which means theres a large element of pain because of original op that went wrong.
2nd night of bladder pain forcing me up every half hr. Went to bed last night but thoughts and lies and injustice - - just couldnt bear it. DH wanted to sleep. I couldnt settle and wanted to question all the deceit. Wasnt just after the op. It continued with next consultant. I'm not paranoid. I've proof but it doesn't mean anything.
No sleep because up every half hr as bladder feels v painfully full with deep pain. Expect it must be procedure-hope so.

Please, please forgive me for going on. I'm just past myself
I will be ok. Just so relieved to be back. Blasted Aldi.
Will come back later and be less about me. It's scary to realise how much I rely on this thread. No one else can understand my predicament of being in this horrific nightmare.
Love to all. Thankyou for being there.

Just took some Diazapam as can't stop crying. Had to wear dark glasses going into Tesco where phone man was as eyes so swollen from last night. Dont understand whats happening, it feels like I'm coming apart again.
I just can't believe this fallout. Im not allowed to move on because of ongoing pain. I guess it's aftermath of op too. Sorry I'll come back 'normal' later. X

I'm sorry that the procedure has triggered all the memories as well as being very painful indeed, Sweetpeasue. Good move to take the diazapam -that's what it's there for. When will you know the results of what the urologist thought?

Diazapam is part of my armoury and I've accepted "needs must".
Just an idea - would you consider calling the Sams in the night when at total end of tether? You may feel ashamed and "whats the point", or, "I'm keeping the line from someone who needs it more" but a chance to lt it out can be a relief tho it doesn't "make everything all right". And from the mood you describe, It would be a right and proper use of the Sams, and not taking away from anyone. Your state of mind has physical origins but is 'poorly" x

I've had a relatively quiet day. Up late as got on a bit of a high playing music and looking at photos yes of the past but didn't get the reaction I thought I might from that. Talking to Ex was more than helpful maybe? I can never tell. I did have strong feelings this morning about the necessity of staying here for the foreseeable because to do otherwise when generally close to crisis would be to add stress at levels that could be intolerable. House felt a bit more "mine". Garden felt oh too much but felt kinder about its demands (Gardener Monday)

Then of course woke just now feeling trapped by that thought but telling myself don't try and force a yes or no just try and live in the present.

this morning I some brief friendly whaSapp exchanges with DiL about one of the children's rooms and what they've done with it

so then had the notion of writing a very carefully penned WhatsApp to DS and DiL with a sort of "state of health and the thinking about moving stuff" (DS rarely tells DiL what I've said or snippets so I doubt she has any coherent idea)
summary

no sign will get better from CFS for long foreseeable if ever, (this I have not said before, its been, "when I get energy back" - add proof comment by GP on this

some insight into my process of agonising over moving and where, (as in my initial hope that I could make an escape bid from feelings over Ex in everyday language)

other health issues getting in the way currently, some positives, some thoughtful kind remarks about them and family...*but asking nothing no pressure as regards seeing them*.

Point of it - I'm not sure, what do people think?

Sweetpeasue that's what BD is for you can say exactly how you feel and everyone understands. If you didn't write it down here it would fester inside you and make you feel 10 times worse. At least writing it down gets how you feel out into the open. I have found if I didn't write how I feel I feel I would drown in tears. Never apologise for how you feel . None of us knows how each of us feels inside but can relate to the feelings of worry about health and being in constant pain is exhausting both physically and mentally. I don't know what it would be like not to be in pain. When I had my hysterectomy the morphine drip took the pain away from the operation site but didn't touch the pain in my arm and leg. But I have been in pain for as long as I can remember. That's why my parents had me to the Drs and children's hospital so often . Also fallen down since I could walk . It's just me but at least I know it's due to the HPX.

Wyllow I know moving for me change my life for the better. But it's exhausting and stressful moving but so glad I did it. My whole life changed . I live my life to the full now no longer just exist as I did before . If I hadn't moved I still wouldn't know about the hole in my heart or my HPX . Nor on treatment for both. I have made more friends here than I ever had. Before my move I hardly slept but my first night here I sleep and have ever since. I had lost who I was after my husband died. But moving I found me and found people liked me. I moved over 100 miles to the north west. My only fear was would I like the neighbours I needn't have worried as they are lovely.

I love this me and it's important to love yourself. All here have shown how brave you all are even if you don't think you are. But to me you have fought and still fighting and that takes a strong will to fight for the life you want. You have inspired me to find ways to do things I want but in my own way. My husband started me doing that and then when he died I lost half of me and to be honest I didn't want to live without him. But he was a wise man and made me promise him things and have kept everyone. It's not easy but my love for him hasn't died nor will it ever as it gets me through each day. My one and only. But my grief gets worse but I cope. I owe him that . I was lucky to be loved and love in return . And that is his gift to me.

Having health problems especially if caused by someone else is far worse than just having health problems. But you all fight to keep going. Never give up hope and get through each day the best way you can. 🌹

It got to 3pm and I felt in a panic and at a loss. but made myself first do a little sewing then went for a little swim. One thing I like about my gym is how multi-cultural it is, difference is the norm.

I will write but not in a rush. Intro is simple - I genuinely did have a GP MOT, so need to put them in the picture re whats going on especially as I haven't been up and have probably had to make a decision on moving for the foreseeable I have come to understand that the pressure to move quickly was born of trying to escape feelings about Ex, but it doesn't really work that way.... need to update re CFS (add other stuff, not heavy, hint at stress and MH more tabs only) miss them, looking forward to seeing them in August (they are coming to stay in the High peak not too far away car wise for a week to one of those park cabin places).

I dont know how to thank everyone for responding so kindly and gently but thankyou all the same.
I had a bit of spotting, twice in a few mths. It was nothing, before that 2020 hysteroscopy to investigate. Had 2 Hysts before over same type thing. All pamphlets say might have a bit blood for 1 or 2 dys after. But I knew something wrong after pain started and bleeding every day with such pain till I ended up in A&E a month later. Was given Buscupan and a telephone call from consultant next day saying things should settle! After passed on to other consultant she told me another mth later a false passage had been done.Instrument into side of womb though no perforation. Was horrified not been told. Ist complaint. Another 6 weeks later asked why still pain and bleeding. Told can go for another opinion to Director. At last will find out from too man - - will be examined theyll find why the pain. Appt day, he sat on desk all smiley saying where shall we begin? Had complaint letter amd wanted to go through it! Oh things should settle he says. 5 mths after op in severe pain most nights I find out on a copy of scan given by accident from a stand in Dr. The fibroid (original operator should never have taken away at the time as he thought it was polyp instead) was not fully taken. He'd left some of it behind. Made a mess. I know it's bad to cut into fibroid as it's vascular. New complaint as further deception. Deeper and deeper it all went. Further lies needed to cover up original. Reluctantly I was given MRI that showed Adenomyosis had developed. No Adenomyosis on MRI 6 weeks after op. Too early. Leave hospital. Severe distress. Next Gynaecologist says cant believe scans-no Adenomyosis.
Much more left out - the further cutting me open because womb lining v thick again after 10mths of bleeding on HRT that consultant said I was still ok on.

Will stop there as there's just no way I can explain everything here. Last night thought all over again legal redress. No. It's too late.
So much stuff inside and I've let some of it out here. Thankyou for listening.
Whiff You are a v kind person and you have a huge heart. I' m so glad after all the heartbreak and hardship in your life you are amongst good neighbours and friends with a lovely daughter. You are a brave lady.
Wyllow I wish I could help you answer your dilemma about moving but I'm not much help at present. I hope someone can give you suggestions but I believe you shouldn't be in too much of a hurry if you're not sure. You have a good Gym and Quaker friends though thats not to say you couldn't make others too.
I could try and comment on others difficulties but I dont think I can help right now, today.
Just thankyou everyone for being here. I really panicked when I tjought I was locked out.
I have an ad-blocker, HVDY but it wasnt helping in this case. Hope your little grandchild will be on the way soon.
Take care all. X

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Just re-reading my post and Aldi popup again. 🙄

Whiff your cross stitching made me smile.
I like both Wyllow3 but the person in the hands is indeed very touching.
It's difficult Wyllow3 to know whether moving would help you move on, or whether your problems of the past would just be the same, just in a different location. I think you will just have to decide some day, whether to take the plunge or not. I think counselling which focuses on the present might help.
I too despair of feeling better. I feel better and think this is great, CFS/ME has gone and then it hits me again. Honestly it's jigsaws that keep me going. I'm lying on the bed now. Most of my life is here. But I know people with CFS who think it would be wonderful to achieve what you and I achieve. I mostly just try to be content and remember all the things I've done in ny life, how lucky I've been. Doesn't always work of course.
Moving has certainly worked for Whiff. But we're all different. I'm so pleased for you Whiff that the move made you feel so much better. Your husband would be proud of you.
Sweetpeasue I really don't know how you're expected to live with all that pain. Surely they can give you something better. I've heard of cbd oil being very good, but know very little about it. As for not being able to get someone to take responsibility for your condition, it must be totally frustrating to the point of making you want to scream. And very hard to give up trying. No apology will make you better. But an acknowledgement of whaf caused it would help. You are so brave coping with it all. I'm giving you a big hug. I just hope the pain is partly post op and will ease.

" I mostly just try to be content and remember all the things I've done in my life, how lucky I've been." nadateturbe whatever works, but I think you are in particularly bad patch atm - either way, we have to find small ways of appreciating the present. Fortunately in a decent mood I like music and art, or even a good thriller, any avenues for you there? I still am able to see people now and then and go for a swim or short yoga now and then tho. But managing everyday life takes it out of me as I have to do the mundane stuff. Maybe I should arrange supermarket deliveries but never done it yet.

Sweetpeasue tell your story as many times as you need. I think the distension has brought it all back and it will settle a bit more, fwiw x
BTW thinking of you this afternoon in terms of night calls to SAMS etc. It took me several years of getting MH help to make crisis calls and talk it out to someone, but it really does help. As regards what I say to whom, when I was with both Ex's I used to wait for them to be out or asleep - gave me the freedom to say anything.

Quick post from me as connection is bad.
Sweetpeasue reading your posts made me think, have you ever tried hypnotherapy. I ask because family member with severe PTSD has been seeing one and it has helped a lot. Also person has had a lot of trauma to deal with.
I realise you need to talk this out and the fact you can’t stop going over and over I m your mind just wonder if you need to talk to someone other than a counsellor. Someone who will help you with all these thoughts. Hope pain is getting better.
Wyllow hope you are ok and decide on what to tell your son and DIL. I know when I was a DIL I didn’t have the connection with my MIL that I did with my mum. I liked her very much and we got on well but I always felt my DH was my husband more than her son. I feel the same now my sons are married. Their first call comes to their own families. Maybe it would help your DIL to know a bit more about how you feel about things.
I do think your bond at Quakers and your pleasure in the gym should not be things you move away from as they seem to be a lifeline for you.
HVDY hope the c section goes well and all is fine.
Whiff you write such caring posts. Thank you.
nadateturbe Candy Scaredycat EllieAnne thinking if you too. Hope all is well.
DH hasn’t been too well the last couple of days. Upset tum and breathing problems. He’s better tonight but I am worried about him. Hope it’s a passing thing.
Take care all xx

Hello Candy Scaredycat and EllieAnne. Hope you are all OK.

And Doodle of course. Hope you are both enjoying yourselves.

SweetpeaSue I believe you're suffering from PTSD - the going over everything that's happened, the need to find answers, etc. (the Neurologist suggested I've got it, but I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened with me, I need to go forward. You can't because you're still having all those physical problems.) It is all very real, of course, and all those errors were made, but I don't think you'll ever get satisfactory answers from any medical person. (I can relate, as you know), You can tell "them" but "they" cover for each other. I think, as Doodle says, you need further help, such as Hypnotherapy. I think you'd be able to think more clearly if you didn't have the physical pains. That surely needs to be controlled more effectively, for a start. Keep posting on here, we all care x

Wyllow3 Selling up and moving away from what and who you know is a huge thing. You're not ready, I don't think, just yet. Having your family visit nearby in August will be something to look forward to. I do online grocery shopping - love it. It's so much easier, they bring it to the back door, and we unload it straight into the kitchen.

Doodle Thanks. Hope you're both enjoying yopur holiday - is it hot weather? Hope you're having some lovely food and good entertainment, too.

Son1 and girls came today, so we had a BBQ, got the paddling pool out (10ft oblong, £30 from Asda, a bargain), and a gorgeous young fox turned up - we were surprised and thrilled. I boiled some eggs for him but he had 3 burgers whilst he waited! I'm just cooking some chicken in case he comes back tonight

Nadateturbe Youve so much to deal with yourself. So sorry for the bleakness of your ME/CFS and the way it takes away your quality of life. I wish some sort of breakthrough could be made into understyanding it's cause and relieving symptoms.
Ive Tramadol /Oramorph to deal with the bladder pain for now and it helps. Thankyou for your hug.
Wyllow You have a recognition of Nadateturbe's frustrations. Its good you can id with each other. Thankyku I'll remember sams if I have the desperation and opportunity to call privately. Itis the Distention but also what Urologist said in letter after consultation. He thinks could be CPP with bladder element or primarily Bladder Pain(Bladder Pain S). Ive always thought my bladder pain was IC/BPS but he was thinking could be caused by past longstanding pain. Which brings up past involvement. He doesn't know yet that my past pain is attributed mainly to Adenomyosis and I was bleeding, as Gynaecologist letter came after Urol consult. Anyway Urol wants to see me in 6 weeks time. Get appt through post. I hope you feel a bit more settled as to how you want to go forward with seeing your son and DIL and fam. Good they can come up and stay locally for a little break.
Doodle So sorry to hear your DH has had some tum and breathing problems but glad hes feeling better at present. I hope you can continue without any worry for rest of holiday.
I will keep everything youve said in mind Doodle thankyou. You just try and have your much needed break.

Being quick as dont want Aldi thing back and lose lost. Thinking of all not mentioned tonight on BD. Hope you have peaceful night all.

HVDY You could be right about PTSD. I did really think I was going forward and had put 'papers' ect aside. Then the suggestion of this Chronic Pelvic Pain thing to do with bladder. CPP given to general pelvic pain that's unidentified, but now Ive the Adenomyosis back up in recent scan which shows there has been a pathological reason, with the bleeding. I think consultants are trying to rope everything tog and I'm not sure that's helpful now.
So pleased youve had a lovely time with your GDs in the pool. Hope your legs are ok tonight. Thanks HVDY.

SweetpeaSue It might help you to look into PTSD and to find a professional person who specialises. I've got all my medical records (on CD) and the paper reports about the investigation that was done, but have purposely put them away in a large folder. It upsets me so much to see it all in writing - and knowing that solicitors won't take the case on (the 2 years is almost up for me anyway). For my own sanity, I had to let it go and get on with things (although this Vasculitis is a new thing and unrelated). You can't because you're still having such pain and problems. My legs are killing me, so I'm going to use these ice pads (they didn't help last night) and have some Vodka

Best nights all present and those reading and the regulars.

Doodle, hoping that MrD's health gets better tomorrow and you both have a half decent night.

HVDY. -sounds like the pic I had today from family paddling pool, they are magic. Visiting foxes are special when they trust you.

Sweetpeasue re the calls its not so much they were secret (tho the ones on the abuse of Ex2 or when he was MH bad had to be)

but that I was free to say absolutely anything without DH having to listen to worst bits - and a chance to work through trauma when the triggers were acute. Curses on this Aldi thing ... you could make a post on it here and report it to Gransnet moderators to pick up on? they actually do sometimes email you with a reply and I've found them caring.

*Sweetpeasue go here its a grnsnet thread on the Aldi thing you are not alone!

www.gransnet.com/forums/site_stuff/a1325207-Aldi-advert-with-spinning-wheel

Thanks Wyllow. I did post on that thread at 19-41 yesterday. I keep checking on it to see if GN has done anything about it. When I took phone in today that tech phone man(Tesco, my mob acc is Tesco) said 90 % it should be sorted. It did help but flamin ad appeared twice tonight and blocks full page.

Oh, well done, I didn't read that far. I'm sort of hoping being on apple stuff will sort it but better save that thread all the same...