Black Dog 17

I also imagine that the counsellor will write about you to them, and that will make a big difference. As you know I have a private counsellor and the problem is getting "joined up" care. Nevertheless, you can try and if it doesn't work, pull out and find a private counsellor who can support you x

Hi EllieAnne I do understand. Things needing doing got the house is a big deal and facing it when you aren't getting on must seem overwhelming. And the going away throwing whats happening at him in sharp relief.

HVDY thank you for the catch up on DH news. I'm very relieved. He's needed at home. Time for you to get time together, and make the most of family things, and share all those "things that need to be done". something to look forward to Thursday week - and very wise to let them set the circumstances. Def prefer rock music not "singalongs" (slight shudder)
Swimming does help my back but I have to keep up the yoga physio stuff and making myself walk. Good thing is, I haven't twigged it really badly for a week now - tricky thing is, its hard to work out which aches and pains are CFS or a bot of osteoarthritis which of course is normal at 70 if you've had an active life exercise wise. Work in progress to get it right but not giving up!

*Sweetpeasue I read what you wrote very carefully and I can see how very supportive it has been to be believed and listened to.

My personal opinion is that if you take the MH route - and she did seem to say you might consider it - you will NOT be put through what you describe as fearing, which is basically opening Pandora's box psychotherapy Unless you actively choose it and even then thee are so few opportunities to do it. I think they will look at managing anxiety and probably look to see if meds might help. but being "on their lists"means I can ring in crisis and know it's "joined up".

As for the age thing, again please be reassured. Everyone over 65 is put in the "Older Adults" box whatever your condition and attitude to life. I also think they are more tuned in to the mix of physical and emotional stuff.

The "adults" box is 16 or 18 to 65. Locally and I suspect everywhere, you will fare better in Older Adults.

Its smaller.

The 16 to 65 Adult Mental Health is this huge pool -with huge numbers of referrals and crisis coming in all the time - and often you don't get consistency of contacting people...

and tbh I have found Older Adults kinder and the teams know each other better and I've definitely found it better.

I had this resistance to it before it happened to me - fear of labels and being written off and dumped and so on and it's not ike that at all. xx

Doodle Thankyou. I certainly dont see shame in seeking help from psychologist /psychiatrist and have had help in past. But I won't rule it out. I did once see a psychotherapist after my mum died but it was disastrous and she wanted to keep going back into my childhood. No, thankyou, I'll not rule it out Doodle.

Doodle So glad you had some sun today and could have a better walk with DH. You are v kind to post and think of others on your holiday. I feel you should be making the most of your r&r after so much troubling medical issues to deal with.
Your idea is almost tempting. Ive ran out of words. Though Id be worried Drs might see it as a 'staged' performance (yet could also be seen as a genuine desperate attempt to get noticed). I'll not dismiss it if I'm desperate but.... I don't know. I'm not sure even DH could do it. Thankyou Doodle. Never been on cruise but hope your Apple crumble & cust is on menu there. x
*EllieAnne Doodle's words are v true. Your words speak volumes of your discomfort of being in same house as your husband and it must be unbearable. I don't know how you can keep on coping. You are truly torn. Dont ever think you can't post. We may not have answers but we do care.
HVDY Must have been lovely holding baby in arms on Tuesday. You are being considerate with your son and GF and letting them cope with their new little one together and being there for them when they need you. It will ne lovely to see them Thursday. Glad you had something nice at Day centre. Hope the singing didnt hurt too much!
Nadateturbe Glad you feel better today and the sun is shining there. I like baking too but Ive such a sweet tooth that I'm scared of being out of control and I would eat too much. I bake cheese scones for DH and have dough hook to make bread buns as GS loves them and can defrost them when he comes.

Not forgotton Scaredycat or Wyllow will be back.

Sweetpeasue I realise your problem is health anxiety but I wonder if that has led to you being depressed. That would not be surprising. You have often made comment about not wanting the heath profession to think your problem is in your mind. I think you are avoiding psychologist/ psychiatrist because you want your problem correctly diagnosed as medical fault. I understand that but wonder if psychologist could help you with all the negative feelings. There is no shame in seeing psychiatrist/psychologist. Several of my family members have been under the care of the MHT and found it helped. Dont rule it out as of being some help. You obviously formed a good bond with your counsellor.
HVDY glad you got your cuddle. Good idea to let them make the moves for contact, a new baby can be exhausting.

Will try to post to you all but in bits. V emotional. Taken couple Diazapam to calm. Not bad day for pain. (whispered)
Ive said before how I've got on with counsellor and so appreciated being able to spill out anxieties, anger at Drs and confusion(what did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? Did Drs not like me? should I have been stronger more assertive, called them out earlier, stayed in hospital after 2nd complaint and not 'run off'
when I realised the final lie that Gynaecologist blocked my vag ultrasound that stand in Dr sent me for (I only got abdominal) because my Gynaecologist told radiographer Id already had one and had found it painful. It wasnt mistake, my name was on scan report. No mistake-part of covering up after so much else that no way coincidental. But that was when I OD'd and was in such a state I couldnt poss go back. Was still bleeding but was told they didnt think my pain while bleeding was Gynaecological!
It was inevitable that my allotted sessions had to end(I was alotted 12, I had 17). My counsellor cared. We've covered so much and I opened up but she not only cared, she believed
me. I don't think Id have got this far without her. She said her work is with depression and we discussed if I might benefit more with someone who deals with health anxiety. She didnt mean my anxiety wasnt warrented, bevause that was my immediate question. My thinking is, understandable when I have been decieved and am worried I'll spend rest of my life in bad pain.
I can re-apply for another 12 sessions after another assessment but it could take mths and doubt if it will be with same councilor. Or I could vall the mental health worker who said I could call her after my sessions had finished and they do senior mental health (which makes me feel ancient)
and there's access to psychologist. But Im not sure I want to have my thoughts examined and questioned too much as if Im irrational or could be construed as irrational. Or I could go private(lot of money but doable maybe) but might not hit right with good councillor.
Today she was struggling, I know, she has shared my feelings and become attatched but was trying to put that aside for my sake. I wish I could continue with her but she also has limited say in the organisation. Others will be waiting for a turn. I can't be greedy.
I'm just going to miss her so much. Dont know what I'll do. Didnt intend to go on. Back later.

nadateturbe Your baking sounds delicious. Glad you've had a good day.

Wyllow He's been off sick since the beginning of Feb, but SSP runs out end of July, then he's packing in his job. He's cashed in a tiny private pension, we'll manage with that until he gets a state pension next April. Son and GF and baby are going to come here next Thursday for the day - I'm letting them decide when/where we'll see baby. Glad your swimming went well . Has it helped your back?

Doodle Had a cuddle with baby on Tuesday. She didn't even open her eyes once . Are you and your husband enjoying your holiday? Got long left?

Scaredycat DIL was seeing her sister and nieces today, so that they could see baby for the 1st time. Nice that you saw your friend. I bet she was pleased to see you. What did you have for lunch?

EllieAnne You're unhappy and in a loveless marriage. That isn't trivial. Could someone else do the work that's required in your house?

It was chicken kiev with salad at the day centre, then sponge and custard - then my least favourite thing, singing (a lot of old songs - I prefer rock music )*SweetpeaSue*, Whiff, Candy6, all BDers - hope you've all been ok today. x

EllieAnne nothing trivial or stupid about your post. You are suffering as much as anyone in physical pain. Pain in the mind and spirit is as bad as pain of the physical kind.
Could you get someone in to do the work? Is your husband at all interested in the house or doesn’t he care? I Hope your family worries resolve themselves soon.
Wyllow good for you for calling it a day after swimming.
You will win rear of the year if you keep up this backstroke.
Scaredycat I remember your friend losing her husband. Nice to know she’s looking better but of course she will still be missing him a lot. Nice for her to meet up with you.
nadateturbe DH and I are on our way to you. Him for the scones and me for the apple crumble …..with custard 😋

Doodle yes it’s mainly family stuff but the house is getting to me. There is so much needing doing but we would need to discuss it and I can’t face it.
A holiday with dd would not work. We are too different. I like heat she hates it.
Also she uses all her holidays for a sporting interest .
And if I am away the dread of coming back is so bad I just want to keep on driving and never stop.
I realise that this sounds stupid and trivial but it’s how I feel.

Doodle enjoy the sun...from the shade...

Oh dear Scardeycat so say to want to do"just ne more thing...I'll just finish this or that". You said spot on things to nadateturbe and nadateturbe mmmm yum now that's a good morning.

20 mins backstroke (dont like aqua) and mostly a calm pool. Avoided stopping on the way home so will try to do The Right Things.
Thinking of you Sweetpeasue and other BD's as ever best wishes.

Candy Whiffand EllieAnne, and anyone else reading, hello too.

Hello Doodle and Scaredycat, such very thoughtful posts from both of you. I think a cry helps Scaredycat. I hope you remember to stop now. We're all good at giving advice, but not so good at following it.. Its been a very good morning, I've baked scones and apple crumble, I enjoy baking, but that's it. Feet up now. Countdown semifinal this afternoon.
Sorry about your broken night Wyllow3. I hope you can rest this afternoon and enjoy your aqua aerobics.
Good idea about the video Doodle. I'm glad you have some sunshine, I think....

Hi
SweetPeaSue- glad you got your chest pain checked out - also glad it wasn’t your heart. It will do you good to chat to your counsellor today and I do hope that the sessions can be extended for you. I think Wyllow has a point about Anti Anxiety meds. It might be worth considering . I have never had them despite everything but now I wish perhaps I,d had them earlier. They are not miracle pills just that they take the edge off the anxiety feelings. I so much wish you could feel better.
Nadaturbe- Ah feel sad you cried yesterday . It is so hard to adjust to the new way of life isn’t it. Yes just the aimless nice little things can wipe you out. Your husband sounds very supportive and I,m sure it wouldn’t enter his head to feel you are a burden. He loves you and that’s why he helps. I hope today you feel stronger and can do something you enjoy.Glad the sun is shining on you- it’s pouring with rain here!
HVDY- you are a miracle how you do so much and with such enthusiasm and humour. I knew you had had a stroke but not the severity you suffered.
Glad your husband is so supportive too.
Your Fox is going to be the size of a house soon!!
Hope the baby is doing well and parents too. Will you see her today?
I laughed at the twerking twerp- what a brilliant title for her.
Wyllow- hope you enjoyed your swim- it’s too late to help my bum it hardly exists!!
Sorry you had a bad night but it’s good that you feel like the gym and maybe you can have a chat with your friends there. I,m sure they are looking out for you at the moment.
Doodle- are you still at sea? It sounds like it as you mention the sun- don’t get too burnt!! Have you been to some new places this time- I just loved waking up somewhere new everyday.
Hugs across the sea!,
Had lunch with our friend who’s husband died last year as she is down our way this week. So lovely to see her looking more like her old self although still struggling without him.
Candy- hope you are ok and not working too hard.
Whiff- how are you today?
EllieAnne- I,m sorry you feel so low. Are you doing anything nice today? Have you thought about a little break with your daughter?

This morning I felt less tired so started clearing out some cupboards and went at it like a whirling dervish - I don’t listen to my own advice so now am done in.
Yes it would be great if we all lived near each other but love being able to come here and feel very supported.
Love to all

Wyllow hope you manage your swim and it helps your back.
Sorry the bowel problems are causing you trouble again. Our digestive system is so delicate. Anything you eat or how you feel can trigger an upset.
Sweetpeasue I hope your chest problem was a one off too, must have been frightening. Hope your counselling session goes well. Just a thought, although it might be embarrassing for you could your DH video you when you are having a really bad pain session so that you can show your GP or others what you are going through. A picture paints a thousand words as they say. If the actually see what’s going on it might help people realise all you are going through ( and your DH too who must feel so helpless at times)
HVDY have you had any cuddles with the little one yet? Your son must be so pleased. As others have said you’ve done amazingly well since your strokes. That fox will be too big to get through the fence if he keeps eating like that 🤣
nadateturbe enjoy the sunshine. Hope you have a good day.
EllieAnne is it your family troubles that you mentioned bringing you so low. Sending you a hug and wishing I could do more to lift your spirits.
Scaredycat we have sunshine today. Hurrah. Of course now I’m too hot to go for a walk 🤣. Have you met anyone for coffee recently.
Whiff hope your DD enjoyed that cake. It looked too good to eat.
Candy hope you are coping ok with work. Have you changed your hours yet.
Love and hugs to all x

You do really well HVDY. Glad DH around more atm. Is he going to retire? You may have posted on it and me missed it.
Hope the little one and mum are doing OK.

Good to hear nadateturbe. Now pace yourself and I will. Had a bad night as in the confused wakefulness but not too long. My cleaner is here so v slowly waking up. what a blessing she is.

I read last night that backstroke is good for bums, so I might get one back (if you see what I mean )

Ah, I see, HVDY, I wasn't aware you'd had strokes. You're managing extremely well.
Your fox is very spoilt!
Have a good day.x

SweetpeaSue I Googled oesophagus spasm. Yes, it's the same. The pain was terrible. I had it for about 30 minutes, and by the time the ambulance got here, it had stopped. I felt such a fraud then and was so apologetic. I'd had bread, and they told me to never eat bread so late at night.

Wyllow3 Hope you enjoy your swim and that you have a good day.
nadateturbe He helps me more when my legs are particularly bad, not all the time. Since the stroke, I am quite often uncoordinated, but I manage most of the time. Certain things make the coordination worse - tiredness after aqua aerobics , the heat, general fatigue. I don't look as though I've had a stroke (I had 5 blood clots on the brain, so it was 5 strokes) I'm glad you're feeling positive this morning. The sun is shining here, too.

The fox came again last night - he had 4 chicken thighs (cooked), 1/2 a packet of luncheon meat, and 1/2 a block of cheese . Day centre today. It should be nice. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

HVDY I didn't realise your husband had to help you so much. You always sound so upbeat and active, no one would guess. You are a very positive person indeed.
Sweetpeasue there might be something in what Wyllow3 says about anti anxiety medication, not because you're imagining anything but all that pain is bound to make you anxious. It would me.
Swimming seems a very good idea Wyllow3. Try not to overdo it today. Have breaks. 🙂
I feel positive today. The sun is shining into the bedroom. Fingers crossed.
Good morning all.

Oh HVDY just lost my post to you!
Just saying my chest thing was v much like your own though it was 10 and I had half slice of toast at 8-30. Dont think it food related at all but perhaps it was the oesophagus spasm thing. Anyway just told to seek emergency help if happens again.
I so admire your spirit HVDY. I can't imagine what your experience in the ICU ward must have been like during Covid. You are so brave and help everyone so much. You loved your caring job and that must have been a huge loss.
Glad the aqua class was virtual and hope DH was ok with it..
Wyllow Thankyou. So sorry about the bowel being a nuisance again.
Yes pain brings anxiety too. My counsellor doesn't issue drugs but I hear what you're saying.
I do hope you rest easy tonight and your swim tomorrow is good for back.

it's very understandable to get to that point of no more pain ever, Sweetpeasue, and clearly very scary. all you can do is pursue the ?? investigations.

If I were in your shoes I would be seeking anti anxiety drugs. Not because you are imagining any of the physical pain nor the underlying issues - but your quality of life is so low, and each ?? triggers not just pain but unbearable anxiety and depression. There are many physical conditions that mean people need some help in MH terms. and tell counsellor what you have said tonight, tomorrow.

Sorry to hear of very low time, EllieAnne.

Bad bowel stuff today am going got get onto it, things have stalled and haven't pursued stuff. Yes, the gym tomorrow, but probably a swim as it seems more back friendly atm.

Wave Doodle hope you and MrD are as well as possible (I don't know where you were headed as to weather!)

Goodnight BD's. I watched Repair Shop and it was focussed on the NHS. Despite all, can we imagine what it would be like without? I've had so much help - some mixed, some bad, some very good.

Thankyou Nadateturbe I know we all get exhausted here. I hope you sleep tonight too.
I'll need to forego GP appt fot counselling tomorrow as I cancelled last one for GP appt and have had to wait ages for this one which is meant to be my last. Don't know if I'll be able to reapply for second set of sessions. Gp on next Monday so am just going to have to wait. Hoping the chest thing was one-off.
Wishing everyone a restful night.

SweetpeaSue What you keep going through is horrendous. I'm glad you hadn't had a heart attack or anything like that. I had a similar, crushing, terrible pain, years ago (it happened on 2 occasions) which I though must be my heart - DH called for an ambulance, both times - it turned out to be Colic/indigestion. The pain was unbearable, and I was sweating, unable to speak or breathe properly. Is that what you had? Your other problems don't seem to be any easier since your recent procedure. I hope you manage to sleep ok tonight, you must be worn out. If only w all lived near to each other....

DH and I did aqua aerobics - virtual class, I wouldn't go to the instructor - led one again, with the twerking twerp .

Hope all BDers sleep well x

Wyllow3 I often think "What's the point of it all" but we must keep on keeping on. Tomorrow is a new day, and I really hope it will be a better day for you and that perhaps you'll get to the gym.

Nadateturbe Not being able to do the things we used to do or would like to be able to do is so frustrating, isn't it? I haven't got your condition but have other things that mean I'm not as I used to be. Like you, I do often feel a burden to my husband. He now does quite a lot for me - including sometimes helping me to get my shoes on, some days. I was a care worker for 20-odd years and now need a certain amount of help.

EllieAnne Thank you. Not seeing family during Covid must have been difficult. I didn't see anyone for the 6 weeks I was in hospital (no visitors and I was 40 or 50 miles away). I hope tomorrow is better for you.

*

EllieAnne thinking of you.x

Sweetpeasue how nice of you to think of others when you feel so bad.
But this was funny. If we lived closer we could all meet for coffee - - can you see the logistics of that🤔 we' d all have to be well at same time!

Your GP was right to get you checked out. I googled on Webmd and aesophagal spasm can be very severe and seem like a heart attack, but really, its one more pain for you to cope with. I hope it doesn't come back. I'm sure the stress of everything is affecting your body, and all we can do is hug you and hope and pray. You are so strong. I'm sure you must be exhausted. Hope you get some rest and sleep.xx