Black Dog 17

Evening
Ellie Anne I’m glad you have some good friends. You seem busy too but I do feel for you with your home situation. It can’t be nice to go back to. I don’t like it when our regular things stop. I like routine. I hope your day has been ok today.
Wyllow I’m sorry you are having a bad day and I too wish you could get some peace from it. It’s so wearing and drags you down. You’ll keep going though and hopefully tomorrow you will be able to do one of your activities. It is comforting having this forum to come to, a safe space to express our feelings to those who will be non-judgmental and try to help. I really do hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Sweepeasue yes, it can be difficult being a Mum but I’m sure we all wouldn’t have it any other way. I hope you get some advice from the MH nurse next week. Waiting lists were long enough even before the strikes. I’m glad you went to your son’s and your GS was obviously so pleased to see you. I think that feeling you describe is officially known as depersonalisation. I described it once to a psychiatrist (many years ago in the days you actually got to see one) as “feeling like I was on the outside looking in”. It is one of the symptoms of depression but he told me to try and not pay any attention to it, it was like a safety mechanism,, shutting you off from other bad feelings. I think he was right and I’ve never forgotten it. He was a very good Doctor and helped me a lot. I hope you feel better this evening.
Doodle yes, worrying seems to be a common denominator for a lot of us. It’s hard not to. My husband doesn’t. He says it does no good so what’s the point? Wish I could be like that. Shame your DH didn’t get to see the cardiologist but it’s good he will take the time to consider surgery. Pity he’s got to wait until October though. Another common denominator - waiting lists! Hope you have been ok today.
Nadaterturbe nice to hear from you. Carry on prioritising and take care of yourself.
HVDY yes, I got some washing dry too but still have a lot more to dry. Might have to use the dreaded tumble dryer as it’s given more wet weather in the coming days. I hate this weather but it doesn’t make me fearful and drag me down like it used to, again down to the AD’s giving me that little lift. I hope the rest of your day has gone well.
Best wishes to Scaredycat whiff and everyone else. Night night xx

"Sometimes, we can be surrounded by people yet feel alone, though."

Oh my, yes. It can intensify.

Just sometimes I get fed up of years of it tho on and off 20 years now and whats the point in more.

Candy6 You have a very busy life. It's good that you can get away to your caravan for a well-deserved break. Nice to meet up with a friend sometimes, too. I got a lot of washing dry outside today, then it started raining at about 4pm and hasn't stopped yet.

EllieAnne ADs aren't for everyone. They can make you feel flat. I'd rather have that than the terrible misery I felt without them. I've been on Mirtazapine for a few years now, the maximum dose. Did you meet your friend alright? I'm going to meet one of mine next week.

Wyllow3 Sorry you've felt so low and lonely today. Sometimes, we can be surrounded by people yet feel alone, though. You are loved - by your family, friends, all of us here. Getting the balance right with meds can be tricky, and it means weighing up benefits with side effects. Difficult.

SweetpeaSue I often feel as though I'm on the outside, looking in but not really being there. It's to do with depression, I think. I can be with family/friends/day centre people, etc., and feel as though I don't belong. We don't always see the fox - he usually comes after we've gone to bed, but the food has always been eaten by the morning. Glad you saw your son and GS. Family is so important. I hope you get assessed for ADs soon. It's good that you're seeing the MH nurse regularly.

Doodle I think your husband is very sensible in saying he wouldn't consider surgery until he's spoken with the Cardiologist. Disappointing that he was unable to be seen by him today. I didn't get the broadband sorted out - spent 45 minutes in a queue on the 'phone and gave up, then later the message was "all our operators are busy, please call back tomorrow".

nadateturbe Take things easy and look after yourself.

ScaredyCat, Whiff, all BDers - hope you all have a good sleep tonight x

Warm wave nadateturbe

Sweetpeasue I am OK, just making the most of good days and content mostly. I have been reading but find that writing replies uses up too much of my limited energy and concentration which I have to prioritise.
But I pray for everyone every night. I know not everyone believes but some of you do.

Sweetpeasue another glad you went to your sons. I think one of the difficulties is that you can't know if or when you can commit to things. but I'm picking up your DS does understand and accept enough without you having to spell it out - or apologise, and glad you are keeping up with DGS and little ones dont judge or notice they are just glad. But truly they wouldn't be glad if they didn't love you.

its clear to me that MH are taking it very seriously - being honest about resources but doing their best. Yes, Sweetpeasue time to really consider anti-d's and they can make decisions about the right one. You never know - they might really lift you out of the very worst for long enough.

Glad you went to church Doodle I hope you found enough of that quiet space that's there.
So, did the nurse suggest surgery? That was a real disappointment re not seeing Cardiologist for you both. Waiting times are long - wish I could fast forward it for you. Time to research what the nurse suggested?

you say, "Do you think you are feeling bored or lonely because your tiredness means you can’t get out and do the things you want to and it’s hard to be enthusiastic about stuff when you’re tired.
Is your medication helping at all?"

answers - yes, most definitely, as doing things/getting out - long walks or cycles have always been my recourse in the past:

And yes, re meds, but the meds are complex ones so they help but it's not an anti'd issue. Probably best described as slightly altering my brain's response to stressors: I've been offered to take a bit more, but am unwilling due to very long term 20 years side affects. and I do take a lot so always say to others, dont be afraid of side effects due to my experience!
Always an option.

Sweetpeasue yet again you crept in while I was typing. 😊
Glad you went to your sons after all. How lovely your DGS was pleased to see you. Made the effort worth it I’m sure.
No walk today. Church this morning then hospital then hair wash as out for lunch tomorrow.
Glad the MH nurse wants to see you again next week. Hopefully they will find some meds to help you. Be nice to think you have a chance to see the psychologist. Hope it works out. You sound as though you are keeping a lot of feelings inside. Perhaps not even letting yourself think about how you feel. I still get like that at times when I’m really down.
Hope you have a decent night.

Ellie Anne I find it impossible to lose weight unless I have a target for something. To lose weight without incentive is difficult. 5 miles is a lot of walking though, well done.
Have you thought about going to a small gym for something to do and to get fit?
I think as they get older our children don’t need us so much they become occupied with their own lives.
I’m glad you have good friends and other interests but I think if you’re worrying about family then it’s hard not to feel low.
It’s not easy to have Faith when things are going wrong either.
If you were selfish I could say just live for yourself and ignore the rest but I know that’s not you. You care about your children so much despite the way they are. Wish they realised how lucky they are.
You say you’ve tried ADs before but they made you feel flat. Is it worth trying again. They have helped others. Yes I realise the core of your problem won’t change but perhaps they might make you feel a bit better. New meds are coming out all the time it might be worth giving something a try.
Wyllow despite the letter saying the appointment was with cardiologist it was with a nurse. She was very nice and chatted about various options but DH said he would not consider surgery of any kind without first discussing it all with the Consultant so nurse has booked us in for an appointment with him in October,
Do you think you are feeling bored or lonely because your tiredness means you can’t get out and do the things you want to and it’s hard to be enthusiastic about stuff when you’re tired.
Is your medication helping at all?
Candy it’s good to have others here to chat to who don’t expect you to be upbeat or positive all the time.
I have always worried about my family. They are forefront of my mind every day.
Nice for you to help out with childcare but it can be tiring too.
Lovely to escape to your caravan at the weekends. Have a good time with your friend Friday.
HVDY you’re like me. See food and have to eat it 🤣. I have no willpower. Did you have any luck sorting out the broadband?

Candy EllieAnne 'hard when children grow up and not needed so much....' It certainly is. Part of life that is so difficult. I also hate it when our AC going through hard times and we feel unable to help and we're not the ones they come to first-its their partners. Which of course is how it should be. But I feel' on the outside'.
I understand EllieAnne - though I know you are much more of a 'hands on' mum than I am. You are such a good mum. Your fam are so lucky to have you.
Wyllow 'Alone inside' I'm so v sorry. I know that feeling - eventhough I have my DH. I'm alone in a bubble that others can't see. They might try to reach me but I can't let them in. I don't know how. I just dont 'feel' anything. That loneliness is the most terrible thing to bare. Hugs to all of us. We all know. So sorry Wyllow.
HVDY What a nuisance these short lived contracts are. Having to renew or find other providers. Such a waste.
Its so hard to not eat what you want when its in the cupboard. Hope you see fox tonight. Dont think you saw him/her yesterday.
Doodle Hope the appt with the Cardiologist went well today. Your wrist may still respond in time to the physio. Think as we get older our body takes longer to heal anyway. Hope you managed a walk today. Your DH is doing well to keep walking.
Scaredycat Thankyou for your hug. Your posts are always so natural, genuine and kind. I wish I had the gift of being able to know what to say. I dont think Ive ever been able to do that.
Nadateturbe Hope youre ok.
Now afraid of leaving people out. Sorry if that's happened.

MH nurse still wants to see me next Thursday. He couldn't see Psychiatrist about meds as he said lots been affected by strikes or striking themselves and also holidays.
Think he said I'll be assessed again by psychologist. Discussed ADs and I'm open to going on them as I'm in a weird state.
Son invited us for tea but yesterday said I cant socialise. Today I changed mind as he goes back offshore tomorrow and hadnt seen GS for nearly a month. Small talk was really difficult but GS so pleased to see me. Glad I went. Yet I feel on the outside in a dream.

Take care all. Hope I haven't been too negative. X

I'm having a very bad black hole day. I knew it was lurking inside and because today I was far too tired to go out and stuff that helps like the gym, it hit me.

Oh, why can't I have a day when I feel peace inside just a bit?. Or the energy to pop up and see grandchildren and similar positive things. sometimes I spend far too much time and energy online just because its people there but that doesn't help hunger for feeling loved and not alone inside. But I am very isolated and rarely motivated to pick up some crafts and CFS tired to do same.

Ellie Anne just my great sympathy. I know what you mean by failing faith at bad times. All part of not feeling deeply connected in some ways. You do well to keep up the contacts you do because its genuinely hard to do when low and others find it comes easy.

So yes Candy understand the problems of when the busy-ness stops. Sometimes self analysis helps and sometimes just crawl through and sometimes my diary but always sharing it here as I feel I will be accepted and understood. Maybe the natter helped more than the swim?

I was thinking last night how here on BD what is understood and so valuable is that we ARE going to repeat ourselves often and need to again and again and nothing wrong with that. and then flashes of sharing that help.

Oh dear, HVDY - re the cupboard and the feeding. I can control what goes in my cupboards. I hope you have had some luck with the broadband providers. Mine is all in a Sky package which isnt cheap but I appreciate the Smart TV and extra Sky stuff I rely on it quite a lot..

thinking of those today with appointments and will come back in later

xxBD's.

Candy I don’t take ad s . Have done in the past but although they took the edge off I felt so flat. And the basic problem being unhappy at home will not be changed with pills.
I have never relied on my children for company because we are not that sort of family. They are not close to each other either.
But I have good friends. Am going to meet one for coffee this morning then do a bit of shopping for another who can’t get out at the moment. So I do keep busy.
I read a lot do crossword sudoku and cross stitch. Have to see to the garden apart from cutting the grass. We have some one to do that.
And I m involved in church stuff though a lot of it stops in the summer and anyway my faith is failing at the moment. I can’t say these things to anyone else so thank you for listening.

Morning
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you are feeling very low right now. It’s hard when our children grow up and we aren’t needed as much. I struggle with that too. But I suppose we need to make a different life for ourselves and I find that difficult too. That’s the main reason I went back to work but that won’t last forever I know. It’s about finding something to enjoy. Do you take AD’s if you don’t mind me asking. Sorry if we’ve spoken about this before but I forgot so easily.
HVDY Been for my swim although didn’t get much done - too busy chatting to my friend🤣. I try to make my weekends including a Friday “mine”. It when we go to our caravan and I’m meeting a friend this Friday so it’s usually Monday-Thursday that are very busy for me. Trouble is, when I get too much time to myself, I start to go downhill as too much time thinking /ruminating. Can’t win. It’s a nice morning here too but rain forecast for later so I’m going to try and get my washing done and dry.
Hope all have a good day too. Back later xx

ScaredyCat Glad you didn't need to have anything done at the dentist. It does cost a lot more to have a cat's (or dog's) teeth treated than it would cost us. Turkey teeth .

Doodle Hope all goes well with your husband at his Cardiologist appointment. Glad you were able to get out for a walk. The weather seems a lot brighter at the moment.

Candy6 You've got a very busy day, with childcare and work. Apart from early swimming, do you get much time to yourself?

EllieAnne I'm supposed to be losing weight, too, but that keeps getting put off. I think my husband is a Feeder - he keeps buying chocolate and crisps and handing them to me. When they're in the cupboards, I have to eat them. Your family care. I think sometimes we need to look outside of the family or company. Have you got any hobbies?

It's a bright, sunny morning. I must get some cleaning done later, and look for a new broadband provider - ours, with the landline, is £40 a month, but when the contract ends, it's going to be £66. I'm not paying that. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

I’m supposed to be trying to lose weight but have had wine and an Aldi mars bar( they are not very big and much nicer than the real one) . But I did walk 5 miles today. I just don’t see any point in my life just now. One son cares I think but he is so busy and none of them live close enough to pop in . Not heard anything from dd but I didn’t respond to her message . Can’t respond to everyone but thinking of you all.

Evening all
Ellie Anne you are NOT a failure but a Mum who has done her very best for her family and still does. Sometimes our children say or do things that hurt us but not necessarily intentionally and I’m sure your daughter loves you very much.
HVDY you are so kind to your family it was lovely of you to pay out all that money on the hamster. I hope he makes it. Glad you enjoyed your lunch but sorry your feet and legs are playing up. You do so well to carry on getting about. Nice visit from son2 too and yes, you are lucky.
Wyllow yes, when I was upset this was the first place I thought about to get support and I know I would have got some comfort from you all. It does help to get it out there I think. You sound like you’ve had a productive day and I hope you have a good day tomorrow.
Sweetpeasue thank you so much for posting to me when you are clearly suffering yourself. You are very kind and there is no doubt that there is every point in you being here. We all care for you and your family loves you too. Keep going. I hope the MH team help you tomorrow ❤️
Doodle thank you too for your kind words. Yes, worry can blight your life. I’m managing to push mine back most of the time but as I’m sure you will understand, it’s always there, waiting to raise its head. Healing from your injury sounds like it’s going to be a long process and I hope the physio exercises help you. I hope the numbness does wear off for you. Sweetpeasue is right, getting a good surgeon is the key but not always possible I know. I hope the appointment with your DH’s cardiologist goes well tomorrow too.
Scaredycat I think that because my DS was here, I was over-emotional anyway and that just brought everything to the forefront. I do feel calmer now thanks. Yes, the problem with keeping so occupied is that it wears me out. It’s a vicious circle and one I don’t know how I’ll ever get out of. I’m fearful of the time I am no longer able to work or exercise. It would be nice to look forward to a restful retirement but I can’t. The term “Turkey teeth” makes me smile, especially for cats 🤣. Glad your visit to the dentist went well.

Another busy day for me tomorrow 🤦‍♀️ Early swim, childcare, work (4 hours), childcare & more childcare 😂. Hope everyone has a peaceful night and a productive day tomorrow xx

Oh yes - I forgot about the plate. Well done keeping up the exercise yes, really important.
Fingers crossed for the cardiologist tomorrow it moves matters on.
I'm guessing the rain stopped for todays walk with DH.

Wyllow I am having physio so the consultant said to carry on but he did say it is possible that my wrist might not bend back something to do with the plate in it I think.
HVDY yes both bones and they said it was really bad so I’m lucky I can use it as much as I can I think. Hmm yes I can see the other young girl getting on with her mum. Not very nice to laugh if her sisters upset. Still everyone’s different.
Don’t much like the sound of your neurologist. Not the most helpful person. We’re going to see DHs cardiologist for the first time tomorrow fingers crossed we get on.
Scaredycat the consultant said the numbness may wear off or it might always be like that. Was talking to DS1 earlier who came very close to cutting his thumb off by accident once. He said it took about a year for him to get a lot of the feeling back and it still feels a bit numb on occasions. I will keep exercising and hope for the best. Yes we did go out today. Took DHs walker and went somewhere flat and had a nice walk.
We ought to do it more often.
Glad you got on ok at the dentist. I hate going.
Sweetpeasue I hope you feel a little calmer tonight.

Big phew indeed.

Hi all.
Candy- I,m sorry you,ve had an upsetting weekend - seeing your DS just reminds you of how much you miss him and I understand that totally. Plus having other worries just became too much. A good cry probably did you good although I don’t suppose it felt like that. I,m glad you have your work but I expect you get weary often and worrying is exhausting. I,m glad the ADs are helping you as they are me and hope you feel brighter soon.
EllieAnne- sometimes those we love the most can hurt us without thinking but we love unconditionally. You are a loving Mum and G M and are definitely not a failure.
What sort of books do you enjoy- I haven’t been to the library for ages. Your friend must have been so pleased to see you- you are a good friend too.
HVDY - poor little GD she must be so upset to see her pet poorly- hope he recovers although it doesn’t sound too good. Vets fees are astronomical aren’t they - daughters rescue cats have had so much dental work this Summer it would have been cheaper for them to have Turkey teeth!!
SweetPeaSue- oh I,m sorry that you feel so down. Hope tomorrow the Nurse can give you the time and help you need.
Life is precious and you have a loving family and DH who you are so important to - just right now you’re exhausted. Sending you a really Big hugx
Doodle- you are making progress with your wrist but it must seem a very long time for you. Will the numbness wear off eventually- what did the consultant say.
I think we all belong to the worry club- I can’t imagine what it feels like not to worry.
How is DH ? Have you been out for a little walk at all?
I went for Dental check up today - knees knocking!! But everything was ok - phew!
Love to all BD and anyone else who visits

Doodle The break (was it 2 bones?) you had was obviously really bad, so will take longer to heal fully. Keep on doing the exercises. My GD said I'm the only person she'd go to with medical or pet problems . No, her sister has got a different dad. She's very much like her mum and actually said she hopes the hamster doesn't die whilst she's in the house as she'll laugh . She and mum are 2 of a kind like that. The Neurologist I'm under was not very good when I saw him. He didn't give me any information about Vasculitis, not even a leaflet or anything.

Son2 called around for a couple of hours earlier - nice to see him. I am very lucky. Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening x

Wyllow Good news about getting your car sorted. Glad you managed to get to the gym.

SweetpeaSue So sorry you've had a bad day. Please don't give up (easy for me to say), there is a point to life - your lovely sons and your grandchildren, as well as your husband. My family is all that's ever kept me going. Be sure to tell your MH nurse tomorrow.

I thought the doc might give you hand exercises, Doodle. But it's clear they are saying go slow and go easy as healing takes time.

What a time when it first happened with your hand - talk about everything at once.

Doodle My husband's hand surgeon was so wonderful and kind. A real gentleman. If you need to see someone I hope you will find someone like him. Thankyou so much. x
Wyllow Thankyou too. You have so much on yourself. x

Wyllow I can carry a cup of coffee a short distance now. No shopping bags till the end of August. I can move my wrist downwards just not backwards. Turning side to side is ok.
The back of my hand, my middle, index finger and thumb are moving but numb but I have more movement than I used to.
Well that ACT does give you another option if you choose to go that way. Good news about your local garage. Hope they can fix things.
HVDY it’s good your DGDs have you to turn to if they need someone to listen to them.
Wow fancy charging all that for a hamster. Nice of you to take out the two girls. The older one isn’t your DGD is she, so nice of you to include her.
I’m so sorry about your legs. I really feel you have been let down by that neurologist.
No I don’t have arthritis just a few wonky joints.
Dear Candy you can always post here no matter how emotional you are. This is the one thread where you can let it all out. I’m a worrier too. Always have been from very young .
I’ve never found a way of getting over it. I ponder and ruminate and brood over things.
Even if we don’t understand why you’re feeling as you do we can understand how you are feeling and can sympathise with that awful low feeling. Glad you are feeling a bit better today.
I used to enjoy work to take my mind off troubles too.
Ellie Anne it’s not just you who affects your children it’s your DH, other experiences and their own minds. You are not a failure because you care deeply for your children and grandchildren and you worry about them. That is the sign of a caring mum. Hope you had a nice visit with your friend.
Sweetpeasue I’ve been worried about you.
Sorry you are so down. Glad you got through to Crisis. I Hope thé MH nurse visit can help you. Please remember you are loved and needed. Don’t lose heart. Sending a big hug. x

Sweetpeasue hugs and of course - tell all that to MH nurse, its really important - and good it's a home visit. (and no need to tidy!)xx