Should I feel so exhausted?

Hithere, I could not disagree with you more. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would be able to see that someone in their seventies is likely to have less energy and tire more easily than they used to. Anyone with a degree of conscience would also know that the present arrangements are totally unfair. Elkypat has also put a lot of money into this project and should be treated with the respect she deserves and to reciprocate the love she has given out. It is because her family is behaving so selfishly that the situation has arisen in the first place. I understand that you have young children yourself and I am sure that you get tired by the end of the day. Imagine if you were thirty or forty years older how much more exhausted exhausting it would be.

People are not mind readers

If you don't tell them it is too much and what you can do for them (if anything), they are not taking advantage of you

I am 70 and look after a 17 month old 4 days a week and take big sister to school 4 days a week. I am always exhausted, sleep my weekends away, feel I have to say something to my son but too scared too. I am saving them a fortune just asked for a bunch of flowers occasionally but never had one in the 6 months I have done this. Will have both of them for the 6 weeks summer holiday. Our kids take advantage of our big hearts, but are going to kill us 😀

Your daughter is totally selfish. She is using you and you are enabling her.

Unfortunately, if you put your foot down and told your daughter to employ a child minder, I suspect she would deny you access to your grand-kids. Sorry, but that's how it sounds. With both parents working, they should be able to afford childcare. If she is calling you Lazy, then maybe you should explain Exhaustion to her. In fact, explain the word Selfish too. Good luck, you should be enjoying your retirement at this point.

You need a holiday - or a weekend away at the very least! Surely even unpaid workers are entitled to time off?

And as for the gardening - why not get the GCs involved? Even if it's just picking up leaves and maybe a bit of weeding, all good education and maybe one day they can teach their parents!

20 hours childcare to-ing and fro-ing plus Sunday afternoon to let the parents have time to themselves! Good grief no wonder you're tired. When to you get time off during the week. Do you down tools at 6 pm and do nothing every evening? Perhaps you shoukd go out, not necessarily hill walking or swimming but a relaxing day in a spa, visiting galleries, anything to get away from the hussle and bussle of the house.

The daughter and SiL'S behaviour surely should be placed under the heading 'abusive'. They are using *Ellypat' like a domestic slave and asking her to pay for the privilege.

However she and her late husband do have to take responsibility for bringing up their daughter to expect her parents to obey her every whim.

Ellypat, tell your selfish family that your doctor has told you to rest……then at least have the weekends off and some of the
daily chores,especially gardening. Then get out and meet new
friends, or go and visit your old friends.This is a travesty.

I am appalled.
Having read Ellypat’s post about her exhaustion, I have been discussing the issue of grandparents asked to do so much for their children with my husband. When we had our daughter, we expected to raise her ourselves and adjust our lifestyle accordingly.

She has asked the grans if she should feel so exhausted, as if she had a duty to fit around the lifestyle of the parents, in order they can have the lifestyle that they desire. She is expected to be a nanny, including Sundays, tend the garden pay half the mortgage, and called lazy if she does not comply with all their needs. When did people regardless of relationship to them feel so entitled to expect so much of others with no regard for their needs, why have children if you do not want to spend much time with them?’

I was exhausted doing all of that in my 30s! How can you possibly sustain that in your 70s and with a health condition? There is no magical cure to give you more energy.
Lots of good advice on here to deal practically with the situation. Please take it. You need to look after yourself. 😍

I agree with what the majority of people here are saying - and am prepared to go a mm further and say your daughter sounds very selfish and needs to be reminded of your right to a life.

I think you need a holiday!
I have some sympathy for your DD.
She is so used to you being strong and able to cope, that she cannot imagine or bear the thought that you can't.
Why for example are you the only gardener?
Why didn't you involve her years ago?
Do you have other DC? Is there a DH in this picture? Perhaps you have siblings who could help you to deal with this dilemma

Your life sounds exhausting for someone 71, and having to pay 1/2 of everything doesn't sound right. If the hours you were working in the house and the childcare were added up I'm sure you would be working more hours than your daughter and son in law do at work. I can't believe they don't want to spend Sundays with their children when they're at work all week. You need time to relax and switch off and once you are in your own room they should all respect your privacy. Is there no-one else in the family or a friend that could say something if you feel uncomfortable speaking to your daughter.
Perhaps after school clubs for the children would be a good idea to use up some of their energy.

Why don’t you try going to a Naturopath to see if there is something you can take to return the spring to your step———
you are worn out,someone half your age would be as it is relentless,no break at all,could you have a few days away to give you a break and let your daughter see it’s a lot.Sounds like you do a brilliant job,good luck.

I feel for you Ellypat! I'm a year older than you (without the diabetes) and do less than you do but still feel a bit shattered some days.
I only do three school deliveries and one collection, including breakfasts and tea on those days. Apart from that I look after the children for a couple of hours here and there, with dinner and babysitting when required. Perhaps the fact that I don't actually live on the premises gives me a bit more rest, I live less than a hundred yards away though.

Worth getting your thyroid checked?

Having read the OP's previous post about her doubts as to whether the move was a good thing, it seems to me like her daughter is actually a spoilt bully! Sorry OP, but the fact that you clearly can't talk to her and tell her your feelings, indicates to me that she talks over you, and brushes your concerns aside, because she wants what she wants, and doesn't want to listen to anyone who may thwart her desires. I have recommended to so many people who find themselves in a situation where they are afraid of confrontation, or a difficult conversation, that the best way to deal with it, is to write a letter, and I think this could be the best move for you. Sit down, write down all that you have told us, tell her that you had your doubts about whether it was a good idea in the first place, but on reflection, you were actually bamboozled into doing what she wanted, and now you are in a position where you are worn out, have had no time to make new friends, and seemingly, have no real joy in your life, and on top of that, you are paying half of everything for the privilege! Leave the letter in an envelope somewhere where she will see it, and will open it, while you are not there, perhaps on her pillow, so that she sees it when she goes to get changed, or when she goes to bed, although be sure that you don't leave it somewhere where it could get blown away, or knocked off of, for example a bedside table, and won't be seen. That way, she will read it while you are not there, and won't be able to give an initial bad reaction, which is what we all really dread, when having to confront someone about a situation that we know they won't be happy about. Also in the letter, tell her not what you'd LIKE to do about it, but what you're GOING to do. For example, I'm still happy to take the children to school, but won't be doing pick ups. I'm only going to do this 2 days a week. I will no longer be giving ANY childcare at the weekends. This way, you are laying down clear boundaries, and then when you next see her, you can discuss it. If she doesn't take it well, and heaven forbid, tells you that you've let her down, or are being lazy, then tell her that in that case, as you're clearly not appreciated, and the situation is not working out, they will have to sell their precious house, that you have paid 50% towards, and you will take your 50% and return to the area where you have friends and were happy. Please DON'T let her continue to walk over you OP. You've raised a family once, and having grandchildren should be something you enjoy, not a chore. Being expected to take care of a big garden, at your age, is also totally out of order, so if anyone is being lazy in this scenario, it is your DD and SIL. I know this won't be easy, but you really can't continue to live like this. Good luck.

#Elly I can't believe you're looking after your DGC on a Sunday afternoon. As other posters have said time to have the hard chat with DD and SIL. From what you've said they're only taking responsibility for their children after 6pm weekdays, Saturday and half day Sunday. There's helping and supporting and taking the proverbial. I hope you get it sorted before you completely exhaust yourself. You really need to take care of you and you're DD should be noticing and taking care of you too.

M0nica

I sometimes despair at some posters on GN, and this lady is one.

They recognise that they are about to do something that may not be good for their long (and short) term welfare, which usually, it isn't. Come on GN and demonstrate in their OP just how clearly they understand the situation they are in/headinginto and ask our advice.

We all warn against what the Op plans to do, offer ways out, but they ignore everything we say - and go ahead and do it.

Sooner or later, they are back on GN, saying that they ignored all advice and their own better judgment and went ahead with some arrangement that leaves them now in an even bigger hole, with few accessible resources and requiring far greater mental and psycholigical strength than they failed to to exercise when the problem started.

I would like the think that Ellypat, will read all the advice we give her in her new situation (again), and her own good sense that sees what needs to be done. But whether she will actually do anything I really doubt.

In stead a years time she will post again. She has had a stroke/heart attack/ developed cancer and her daughter and SiL are saying that they cannot afford to look after her and they still need her to look after the children, so can she go and live somewhere else so that they can rent out her flat to pay for the child care.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I could believe that she would take herself firmly by the scruff of the neck and make herself deal with the problem and the next we hear, the children are in child care for 4 days a week, her weekends are child free and she is feeling healthy and well and able to make friends and find new interests. - but i am not holding my breath.

Well said M0nica.

Good grief! I know I have health issues however you're 71 and doing all that. I'm not surprised your shattered.

My DS ajmnd DiL mom is in good health and my age of 61 and she is tired out too with 3 mornings and after school per week of her part in childcare. Then there are her 3 days of childcare during holidays.

Yes I do one day per week and 2 in the holidays however I know I have health issues.

Even if you were younger I would still say you need a frank conversation.

There is a reason women don't reproduce after a certain age. In today's world we older women do much more for our adult children and grandchildren. We forget we are not as young as we were.

It sounds as if you need that frank talk. They aren't aware and will provably be surprised when you tell them.

Oh and lock your door so your DD and grandchildren can't just wander in.

Regarding the Sunday that needs to go or at least be cut down to once a month.

Get a gardener in to tidy up the garden then you might start enjoying it again. Make sure they pay half.

Remind them if they complain there is 1 of you to 2 of them plus children paying half of the bills so they are getting the better deal anyway

Have you told your G.P. what you have told us?

If you have, he/she should have said that 20 hours child-care a week is too much.

Is your doctor convinced that the dosage of insulin you are on is correct? I am not a doctor, but having had diabetics in the family, I suspect it might not be.

You say you suspect your daughter thinks you are lazy - does this mean she has hinted this, or just that you are afraid she thinks it?

Either way, corner her this coming weekend and tell her exactly what you are feeling like right now, and what your doctor has said and done.

Be frank and firm, that right now you cannot cope with 20 hours child-care and the amount of driving you are doing and try to work something out together.

If she or her husband actually say you are lazy, I think you should start looking for an affordable flat, or seriously consider sheltered accomodation, as your present situation clearly is not working-

I think our children have no idea about how it is for us in older age. We have to educate them otherwise they do still think of us how they knew us in earlier years. It’s up to you to make them aware. Let them sort things out. You have done your main life’s work and now is the time to wind down and take it easy. Our bodies are telling us this and yours definitely is.

M0nica

I sometimes despair at some posters on GN, and this lady is one.

They recognise that they are about to do something that may not be good for their long (and short) term welfare, which usually, it isn't. Come on GN and demonstrate in their OP just how clearly they understand the situation they are in/headinginto and ask our advice.

We all warn against what the Op plans to do, offer ways out, but they ignore everything we say - and go ahead and do it.

Sooner or later, they are back on GN, saying that they ignored all advice and their own better judgment and went ahead with some arrangement that leaves them now in an even bigger hole, with few accessible resources and requiring far greater mental and psycholigical strength than they failed to to exercise when the problem started.

I would like the think that Ellypat, will read all the advice we give her in her new situation (again), and her own good sense that sees what needs to be done. But whether she will actually do anything I really doubt.

In stead a years time she will post again. She has had a stroke/heart attack/ developed cancer and her daughter and SiL are saying that they cannot afford to look after her and they still need her to look after the children, so can she go and live somewhere else so that they can rent out her flat to pay for the child care.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I could believe that she would take herself firmly by the scruff of the neck and make herself deal with the problem and the next we hear, the children are in child care for 4 days a week, her weekends are child free and she is feeling healthy and well and able to make friends and find new interests. - but i am not holding my breath.

Good post M0nica

I would take to my bed with very valid exhaustion and depression,, and let them sort out all the practicalities.. it'll be a good trial run for whenit becomes a reality.
Also can't understand why you are paying half the bills in a 5 person household..