Black Dog 18

Allsorts How are you feeling? Most people I know with Covid, say it’s not as bad as previously. I hope you feel better soon.
VioletSky It’s difficult to cope with another worry, but it’s good that they are checking. I’ve had 3 tests, and all have been ok. I hope you haven’t long to wait for the test.
Nanny2507 I hope you are all right today. My heart goes out to you, missing your dear husband. Perhaps you need some time alone. Everyone grieves differently. And in their own timeline. But if you feel you’re not coping, please ring Cruse, or someone you feel you can talk to.

Hello Candy and Scaredycat Whiff and others.xx

Good afternoon everyone.
We have warm sunshine here today. Makes such a difference.

Doodle My FiL used to do painting by numbers. I’m sure you’re finding it relaxing. I got some pouring paints, but I haven’t tried them yet.
I’m glad your hand is feeling a little better, maybe just take some time to heal.
I too, feel so much better when my hair feels good. It’s amazing how much it lifts us. I’m sure HVDY would agree.
Our garden isn’t big, which is good in a way, but I often see plants I would love to have, but no room for them. Where I walk there are lots of very colourful gardens to see, so I can enjoy without the work.
The glaucoma clinic is at Boots opticians in Belfast. I haven’t got glaucoma, just high eye pressure. So they monitor it.
I hope you sleep better tonight. It’s annoying when you can’t sleep for no particular reason. Do you take anything to help?
Sweetpeasue How are you today? I think Doodle is right. You have nothing to lose by trying ADs. I don’t think it matters if you become reliant on them. As HVDY says better taking them the rest of your life than feeling like this. Is the pain still bad or have you been able to start knitting your cardi? sorry, just realised you have your appointment today.
HVDY hope the family enjoy the camping trip. It’s nice to have time in the house alone I think, even if you are working. I love alone time. Your hair sounds lovely. I’m sure it made you feel good, getting it cut. Colouring sounds a good idea too. I hope it turns out well, if this is your first time doing it at the hairdressers, and you can do this from now on.
Wyllow3 How are you today? Did you sleep? Your son sounds so caring. He wouldn’t want you to worry about the holiday. You’re giving yourself a lot of stress. And it will be fine. I’m sorry about how you are still grieving for your Ex so badly. You’ve been through a terrible time with him. And things keep happening that bring it all back, which is certainly not helpful. Things will get better with time. Be patient.

Hi everyone

I really like the comment about being your best, that's all anyone can be.

Negative thoughts can be so overwhelming, loud music can often help

Family can be the cause of great sadness. All my mental health struggles have been due to the way others treated me growing up or the problems faced by others so I think that's why I can't talk and place a burden on them.

I have family history of bowel cancer and I do have symptoms which is why I am worried but I don't have HPV. They refuse to test my smear tests because I don't have it, even though I have had precancerous cells removed from my cervix in the past and didn't have HPV then either.

I used to work as a carer but I am a TA, not a nurse. My children are all reasonably healthy apart from allergies and stomach issues I have passed on. Covid still doing the rounds with no one keeping an eye on it is not great is it, hope you feel better soon

Sorry to hear that Allsorts.

Good "domestics", HVDY.

Violet, another blow. I know you suffer already with Graves’ disease and other problems. A test for cancer is routine. You can help your anaemia and tiredness by proper rest and diet as a nurse you know that. It must be difficult with some of your children’s medical issues too, bound to catch up with anyone. Just take one day at a time.
Wyllow, you do what I do and overthink, just do what you are comfortable with, your son sounds lovely and supportive. Your gc will be glad just to see you.

I feel low as been stuck in once again with Covid. I just cannot understand how I get it so bad after having all the vaccines.

SweetpeaSue Doodle is right about the ADs. You should give them a try. Obviously, they won't take away your problems, but they will allow you to cope. The anxiety will lessen. I'd rather stay on mine for the rest of my days than ever feel the crushing despair I used to feel all the time.

Wyllow3 Your son and his family love you. His message shows that. It's your own self-doubt that makes you think otherwise. Believe him and be as much a part of their visit as you can manage.

Doodle My brother didn't go with me, he'd been the teatime before. He's going again on Thursday, but SIL will have visitors today - not that she remembers anyone visiting, of course. Glad you're enjoying painting. Do you display them in your flat?

It's a lovely sunny, warm morning. DH is going to meet a few (retired) friends for breakfast, so I'll get on with exciting stuff - cleaning, washing and ironing - later. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

Same here Wyllow3 - Taize and OH Lord hear my prayer.
Goodnight xx

sniffle, you are all very sweet. will try to believe, maybe feel better after Thursday procedure don't know.

Sweetpeasue thinking of you, I believe it's your appointment tomorrow x

I often play Taise last thing a bit as it now reminds me of BD's!
Or Enya which is just easy background stuff quietly.

Hugs back Nadateturbe Sleep well.

Oh Wyllow Hugs. Do believe your son, what lovely words from him. You won't be asked to do or join in with anything you're unable or not happy with but I realise you're finding it all too much right now. Wish there was something I could say to help.
Doodle Thankyou for caring. I need to sleep and I think I'll be more clear headed tomorrow. x

Quick post, eyes still strained.
Just hello and talk tomorrow.
Sweetpeasue sorry you are both suffering so much and feeling so low atm. Big hugs.
Wyllow3 lovely message from your son, please believe him. You are loved.
Hello Doodle and HVDY will answer tomorrow.
Hello Whiff EllieAnne Nanny Violetsky and others.
Hope you have a peaceful night.xx. ,

Oh hello Wyllow you came in when I was typing.
Sorry you’ve not had a good day. I was awake for ages last night not being able to sleep. It’s annoying isn’t it.
Glad you had your swim. I suppose when you say you’re grieving then in many ways what you’re experiencing is a lot of emotions that others feel in loss. It will take time to come through and you have the additional problems of all the hurt and unpleasant behaviour to deal with too.
I’m sure over time things will improve but it’s a struggle now.
What a lovely message from your son. Take heart from that please. It shows how much he loves you that he can write such a kind message. Please believe him, it’s only your own feeling of lack of self worth that makes you doubt.
Hope you have a better night tonight. You must be exhausted with it all.

HVDY that was a nice selection of fruit to take to your DSIL.
Did your brother go with you?
I’m sure you’re right and it’s nerve damage that’s causing the weird sensations in my hand. I can do quite a lot with it now so it’s definitely getting better.
Are you pleased with your haircut. I always feel better when mines a bit shorter. Lightheaded I suppose.
Sounds a nice colour to go with. Hope your son and the girls have good weather. Nice of your DIL to send the photos.
Sweetpeasue you’re right about the paining. I find it totally absorbing.
Please think about the ADs. I can understand your worries but you aren’t happy at the moment and are stressed. If the ADs help you get back some quality of life then that’s a good thing.
When life seems better then you can cut back on them gradually if you choose to do so. Think about accepting the help they might give you. Glad your DH got seen too.
Perhaps if you were both on them it might help both of you cope better. If you feel you’re just treading water then why not take a chance on getting the ADs . What have you got to lose other than a chance to feel better.
I’m not suggesting they will help the pain but might lift your spirits some.
Hope the consultation with the psychiatrist goes well.
Wyllow Scaredycat how have you been today?
Hope all BD have a restful night.

HVDY I am just so glad she knows who you are. and she was briefly on her feet post op. I’m sure, despite forgetting, it really matters that you went, and coaxed her about the food.
…nice hairdo.

Oh my, Filey! Thats where we went every year on the Steam Train. Its still a wonderful place for kids, lovely clean beach, the excitement of the Brig, and Fish and Chips on Coble Landing..

nadeteturbe I hope it went Ok at the clinic?

Waves to Doodle and other BD’s. Sweetpeasue I’m glad that MrS has the painting tho it’s not always easy to keep it up.

I haven’t been in today as it was a day from hell. Woke very early and on my mind as the family holiday and procedure but anxiety stopped me resting. So I made myself go out for 20 mins swim before counselling where I was bedside myself with more grieving re Ex (it seems the grieving is never ending as more comes out, and its all conflict of love and badly hurt)

and that I just cant cope with hardly anything, constant thoughts whats the point. She is supportive but I’m so far out at sea.

She said I have to talk to my son and tell him I’m poorly physically and mentally and don’t know how I can be part of the holiday, not a “no” but extreme anxiety about being loved still if I cant keep up with them.

I wrote a long WhatsApp and got a loving one back after agonising all day and extra meds. Part of what he wrote back,

“we don't feel we are being messed about by you, or feel any less love than last year. The kids don't see anything odd either. I understand your worry about the trip, but you have to try somehow to understand one trip doesn't determine their or our love for you, that's there already and is non negotiable xxxxx”

More crying and it cant quite sink in becuase I’m in a bad place, have to see if I can sleep and “Take in” and believe what he says in my heart.

HVDY I think your SIL must find it hard in different location with different surroundings. My DHs father had Dementia and it was heartbreaking to see his deteriation in hospital. You are careing to visit frequently and with your work experience you will understand how it is. I'm sorry, its so sad.
Hope you liked your new cut. How brave you are to be so adventurous. Good forecast I think for your son's camping hol.
Doodle Glad you can paint. I think it must help to keep your mind focused away from worries when you are absorbed. Do hope the feeling comes back into your fingers though and you can knit that cowl.
Nadateturbe I'm not sure what is done at the Glaucoma clinic but must be unpleasant if you'd rather be at Dentist. Do you get that puff of air into eyes? Glad you've got that over with.
Wyllow Hope youre ok today and your night wasnt too bad.
Hope all are ok.

I'm so tired.Bladder pain been so bad. DH had appt wkth GP and taking ADs. He's so not himself and I'm trying to step up, really trying. He thinks I need ADs but I'm scared of becoming reliant and I must have the Oramorph for pain, its been worse. Phone appt with Psychiatrist tomorrow and cant make mind up. I dont know what will happen to us both in this sorry state. At times we feel closer but then its like walking on eggshells, through no fault of anyone. I feel bad that he's like this but hes told me the cause of all this is Mr xxxxx(Dr who made wrong decision in op). Son 1 rang today back from hol. He has enough and busy. Son 2 back since Fri though not spoken to him. As we all realise they have their own lives. I hate to say /feel this but I think ours are over. We're just treading water and we're both tired of it now. Oh dear, sorry for this talk. Just bad day but tomorrow is another day. I know there's so many worse here.
Hoping all have peace and rest tonight.

nadateturbe My brother has got Glaucoma (dad had it too), and uses 2 types of prescribed eye drops. He has cataracts removed a few years ago. What have you had done today?

Doodle I took SIL raspberries, strawberries and cookies. She used to love all fruits, and she had a sweet tooth, but for a long time now, she doesn't want to eat anything (she's lost 2 stone over the past 18 months). Yes, I go along with what she says - or change the subject. How's your wrist feeling? I expect the strange sensation you've felt is to do with the nerves being damaged/displaced. It'll improve, in time.

Got my hair cut (had the layers a lot shorter - DH's hair is longer than mine now!). Going to get the colour done next week - brown with blonde highlights. Sick of trying to dye it myself.

It's been lovely weather. Son2 and girls are off to Filey, camping, tomorrow. DIL sent me some lovely photos of baby today. Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening. x

HVDY that must be hard. I remember trying to get my brother to eat. He looked at a piece of bread and said what’s this. Seemed to have forgotten what food was for.
I Hope your Sil is being well looked after.
I’m afraid repeating the same thing over and over is what happens. Easier for all concerned to just go with the flow of whatever she thinks is right. I’m glad she remembers you. My brother had no idea who I was for many years but did seem to remember DH.
nadateturbe did you go to the clinic today or are you saying the clinic is at Boots? Sorry I should know but I’ve missed that somewhere.

Poor lady HVDY. So sad. Good she knows who you are. You're such a caring person.
Glaucoma clinic, worse than dentist! I go to Boots. The NHS clinic has farmed us out and it's not as good imo.
Resting eyes.

SweetpeaSue How have things been today?
Wyllow3 How are you?
Doodle, EllieAnne, Scaredycat, Whiff, nadateturbe, VioletSky and other BDers - how's your day been?

I visited SIL, she was sitting in a chair, staring at her (uneaten) lunch. I encouraged her (many times) to eat some. She's very confused, but apparently has walked a few steps with a zimmer frame, assisted by 2 Physiotherapists. She doesn't know what day it is, where she is, why she's there, etc., and despite me telling her several times, wasn't with it. She stares into space a lot (has done for a couple of years, but now the nursing staff has noticed). Doctors are on strike there. She knows who I am, so I suppose that's something. Just going to get my hair cut. "see you" later x

Wyllow DH v insular, we're both quiet. He has his painting at home. The MH care in this area v strained and some serious mistakes made public but it must be so hard for those working in MH here and the ones Ive met are kind and caring.

Sweetpeasue sounds like a successful chat with the GP. Hope good your DH is being seen too.
Dusky pink sounds a nice colour.
I have started a bit of painting by numbers. I can do that with my good hand but don’t think I’m up to knitting yet although I would like to knit a cowl for winter.
Wyllow if your DIL is a planner then they’ve probably got things worked out. If you don’t feel like going with the, could you suggest they go on their own but you meet up for dinner somewhere? Apparently the numbness is quite common and it may or may not get better. They can’t say. I’m ok with it really. It feels odd but is working better.

Sweetpeasue hugs back and for Mr SP too as you travel this very hard road together. Ha he got a chance to talk to anyone, it could help. Sometimes MH can offer carer help - does he have things he does “just for him”? These ar difficult things to think over
But it is not your fault you are as you are.

Doodle such a loving and thoughtful post. Yes am working through FODMAP stuff.
DiL is brilliant abut planning things, always 3 steps ahead. I just cant think of it atm into “survival”. Im wait got see what they suggest or ask me Honestly, haven’t a clue, its too far ahead.

That is a strange feeling “My index finger and thumb are both numb but even though they do what I want them to it doesn’t feel they are part of me”. Do you know “what this is”? Will they slowly learn to reconnect?

nadateturbe Taise time later I think.

Bests to all BD’s, present, and reading. xx

Nadateturbe You must be so tired and you mustn't exhaust yourself I know it can be hard when we want to address all. Hope all goes well at glaucoma clinic tomorrow.

Wishing all a truly peaceful night or one as near to it.

Doodle My fault entirely about not explaining things well. Sometimes I'm not sure about what's happening at all. Though I know I had specifically bladder pain for yrs before that Hysteroscopy and not an unspecific CPP. It must feel disturbing to have that numbness in the finger and thumb.I might have remembered wrongly but think you once mentioned some craft work-k itting? Are you able to do anything with that hand yet?
GP understood things well- words said and unsaid.Husband ringing tomorrow for another appt( discussion incl ADs)
EllieAnne So sorry, I realised Id missed one of your posts about cardi. I liked the burnt orange in the photo and was tempted but not sure it's 'me'. I decided on a v dusky pink, though because its so hard making decisions it took such a stupidly agonising time to decide on anything. All the neg thoughts go through my head and I tell myself such neg stuff. 'Ill look fat' 'It'll make me look old' I'll look pasty and drawn' 'no point' blah blah and on. I hope today has been ok for you. Hope you can see your DIL and GD soon.

I'm sorry everyone is having such a bad time.
Nanny so sorry you are like this, please ring Cruse if you don't feel any better soon.
Wyllow3 your sister sounds lovely. I'm glad you can talk to her and she understands. That letter was so stressful, but you sorted it. I hope the counselling helps tomorrow.
sometimes you have to make yourself to get necessities of life and accept the don't want to bit of it (indeed, the "why should I" bits of it, and its really really hard. often this is what we have to do, and wait to feel better.
The Taize music is calming.
Sweetpeasue lovely thoughtful post to everyone. hope you are well.
Sorry for short comments, have little energy for posting tonight. And glaucoma clinic early tomorrow.
Sending love to all xx