Gransnet forums


Am I depressed

(43 Posts)
travelsafar Wed 08-Nov-23 20:23:22

I feel like I'm still grieving for my DH who passed away just over 2 years ago. I'm also mourning the loss of my mobility and I have a constant fight to control the pain I'm in. I think I put on a brave face to friends and family as I attend social groups and seated exercise classes so am out most days to something. I see family and friends regularly and am not weeping and wailing when I'm with them but when alone at home I sometimes just want to not go out, I want to just curl up and be alone. I'm fi ding it hard to make some major decisions in life and it all seems such a struggle at the moment. I know I should speak to gp but even that is a struggle to actually get to see someone.

lixy Wed 08-Nov-23 20:39:06

It sounds as though you have a lot to deal with travelsafar. I have no idea about depression but a chat with your GP would be a great start, though I appreciate that can be a challenge in itself.
I just didn't want to read and run - do hope you find someone to talk things through with and you feel a bit better soon.

midgey Wed 08-Nov-23 20:44:39

I found the second year after my husband died harder than the first and I recognise exactly what you say. It’s also November well known for being a depressing month. Going to see the GP may be a good idea but I think you will start to feel ‘ less worse’ quite soon. flowers

Urmstongran Wed 08-Nov-23 20:56:21

Oh travelsafar I have no idea about depression but it sounds to me like grief. I feel for you dear lady. Life must be so different and sad for you. No wonder you want to stay home, safe and warm with your memories (and howl when you want to) as putting on a brave face must be exhausting as well as heartbreaking.
Look after yourself. x

pascal30 Wed 08-Nov-23 22:50:25

I'm not surprised you want to stay home.. You've had so much to cope with.. you have done amazingly well to get out at all.. I wouldn't underestimate how long it takes to grieve.. It would be a good idea to see your GP but really try to cherish yourself as well and let others look after you as well.. sending you lots of warm thoughts..

Callistemon21 Wed 08-Nov-23 23:16:56

I don't know if you're depressed or not, travelsafar but I would think you are still going through the grieving process.
It must be difficult in the second year, trying to adjust to a different way of life, thinking you must put on a brave face because friends and family may think you are "getting over your grief". It doesn't go away, it changes.

I hope you have someone you can talk to, if not, perhaps you could talk to someone from CRUSE:,isn't%20often%20the%20case.


Whiff Wed 08-Nov-23 23:17:25

travelsfar you are in the early stages of grief. My husband died in 2004 aged 47. I still grieve everyday for him and as the years go by my grief gets worse he has missed so much of our children growing up and now have ,,5 grandson's. The moment my husband took his last breath half of me died and haven't been whole event since.

You are not depressed but grieving for the other half of yourself..The only person in the whole world that knew the real you and you him. Loving the person who completes you is wonderful but when they die we pay a heavy price . To be loved and love in return is precious. But we are the lucky ones some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves.

Loving someone so much is the price we pay . Grief never gets any less it gets harder you just learn to cope . I was 45 when my husband died we had been together since I was 16 he was 18. 29 years together married 22.

I have been ill all my life and was born disabled but it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and died.

Even know grief can be overwhelming. But I don't fight it. If you want to cry ,scream,shout or hit a pillow do it. Don't do what I did I thought I had to be brave for everyone else I was a fool. I didn't let my years flow until I was in bed.
I cried that much my chest hurt and my nose and eyes where sore with wiping them.

I talk to my husband everyday day out loud I have swore at him and blamed him for dieing . But then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and imagine him saying feeling better.

He made me promise to live the best life I can. But couldn't do that until I moved to the north west 4 years ago. After he died the children left home in 2006 our daughter back to the city she got her degree and our son to uni. It's what I wanted them to do. But had both parents and mother in law to look after. Mom was the last to died in 2017. Finally I was free no one depandant on me.

I am lonely but not because I live on my own I am lonely for my husband. He was my one and only. Love like grief never dies.

So cut yourself some slack and let your grief . But talk out loud to your husband I promise it helps. I still feel the rage and anger at him dieing but I use it to get through everyday without him..

Read the bereavement forum threads you are not alone .

CocoPops Thu 09-Nov-23 06:40:56

You have a lot to cope with so don't be too hard on yourself. Not only are you adjusting to widowhood but also to reduced mobility and trying to manage pain.
I suggest you make a face- to-face appointment with your GP and ask for help with pain control. Perhaps he/ she can refer you to a pain control clinic.
Explain that life a struggle because of pain on top of bereavement and you are finding it difficult to get to grips with some major decisions.
Listen to your body, rest when you need to , don't expect too much of yourself and if you can delay making major decisions until you feel better

bikergran Thu 09-Nov-23 09:01:06

Going back to making decisions, I think we were just used to having someone else to help us decide something however big or small has been taken away from us.

For me it is 9 yrs and my decision making is shocking, the reason being is we don't have that right hand person who we could trust and rely on to help make choices.

I faff around at times trying to make decisions and then make one only to think ohh I've made the wrong one.

travelsafar Thu 09-Nov-23 09:28:15

Thank you all for the lovely replies.
BIKERGRAN you have hit the nail on the head. I am currently worrying about a major move. I've been offered a one bed flat with a balcony in a retirement living scheme by the local housing association. Its in a beautiful location, the local common and outdoor pool to the rear and a main road with bus stop and garage over the road...perfect for emergency food supplies and daily paper. Plenty of parking for visitors and tenants. I have to make a decision quickly and worry I might make the wrong one. My head tells me go for it, no stairs, smaller place to clean, no garden to worry about, and close to gp, town, postoffice etc. My heart says you love your current home, good neighbours, and close to amenities. If I had no health issues I wouldn't even think of moving. I know my health will not suddenly get better there's just something........

Luckygirl3 Thu 09-Nov-23 09:28:24

I am in a very similar situation .... widowed 3 years and with mobility-limiting pain. And also not reclusive but out and about doing what I can and pursuing my interests. But of course there is a gap that impacts in me in too many ways to list.
The onset of the darker evenings and the prospect of the cold to come does not help of course.
Have you found WayUp? It is a chat site for those who have been widowed. Might be worth taking a look.

Luckygirl3 Thu 09-Nov-23 09:32:24

And I too had the big decision of moving after OH died. It was challenging in every possible way but has been absolutely the right thing for me. I hope you can make the right decision for you. I recognise how hard this is .... and having made the decision the process itself is challenging. My family were a huge support during this. I hope you have family who might help.

HelterSkelter1 Fri 10-Nov-23 05:53:26

Do you think the move....which sounds really good...would help you turn a corner now 2 years after losing your husband.

I think you will always grieve. And as people have said the grief will change. I dont have the experience yet. But I think it is on my fairly close horizon so I am reading this thread with interest.
The way I see it in my own case is that a move will have to be made at some stage so I hope I will make it early enough to enjoy new and more convenient surroundings.

Is the flat on offer closish to where you are now so that you could keep in touch with friends and neighbours? Have you family near by? I dont think you are "depressed" just sad which is totally understandable. A chat with a hopefully sympathetic GP could really help.

travelsafar Fri 10-Nov-23 08:00:27

HELTER-SKELTER1 yes it's about 10mins drive from where I currently am so still near family, friends and all my social groups. As you say I am probably sad rathèr than depressed. I am hopefully viewing the flat sometime next week, once I've done this I'm hoping I will feel able to make the right decision.

Cabbie21 Fri 10-Nov-23 08:10:48

The move to the flat sounds as though it might be the right thing for you. It is certainly something I shall think about once I have managed to get rid of more of my late husband’s things. I understand how you are feeling. It is a hard road.

Juliet27 Fri 10-Nov-23 08:16:41

I’ve just looked at this thread again and can see how the decision about the flat must have dragged you down but there are some very helpful replies here.

HelterSkelter1 Fri 10-Nov-23 09:15:01

I hope your viewing goes well and you feel you can make a decision.
I think you are doing so well to continue your social groups and exercise class even when you feel you want to stay home. Very brave.
I hope you let us know how the next few weeks go. Whatever decision you make have confidence it will be the best.

Whiff Fri 10-Nov-23 09:25:55

travelsafar as I said further up moving to my bungalow was the best thing I have done for years. After my husband died I wasn't happy in our house. After the children left 2 years after he died. I rattled round the house. I could have been dead on the floor for a week and no one would have noticed. My neighbours where ok. I didn't go out that much and when I did no one saw as they worked . After my mom died . The house had become a mill stone round my neck my mobility was getting worse . I don't drive.

Once I decided to put my home on the market I detached myself from it. And found decluttering as I was down sizing not only decluttered my home but my mind. I let go of things I had kept hold of and no idea why. Before my move I hadn't slept well since before I got married. But my first night in my bungalow I slept all night apart from loo visits but get back to sleep. Moving here changed my life for the better. Have wonderful neighbours,my daughter lives 10 mins away. Good bus service and local trains. I picked my new GP practice because the bus stops opposite. He sent me to see my new neurologist and cardiologist and finally found out what has been wrong with me my whole life have a rare hereditary neurological condition which effects my limbs hence being in pain my whole life and falling plus other things also found out I was born with hole in my heart.

This may sound strange or selfish but the bungalow is mine . My old house after my husband and the children left it was still our house even though I own it still the children's rooms. My choice of colours etc . Still most of my old furniture will few new bits.

But living on one level has made my life so much easier and bills are cheaper. And the bungalow stats warmer than a house.

Moving to a flat you will notice a big difference your life will be easier living and bills cheaper. Your husband will always be with you in your heart and mind. And I am sure he would want you to live somewhere that is easier and safer for you.

You have to put your needs and wants first it's not selfish but you still have a full life to live. My only fear moving was would I like the neighbours .

I moved over 100 miles and so glad I did. I didn't live before as had people depandant on my . Here I do . Go to sit fit class for a hour which helps my mobility plus it's fun and have my craft group for 2 hours every week. Shops close by. Healthcare is better here.

Yes you are sad not depressed . When you walk into flat you will know if it feels like home. Ignore any colour or if there is furniture in it . But look at what you can do to make your home. Also having a balcony you could grow plants in pots and that would be your garden and if it's big enough a small table and couple of chairs.

I saw all the things needed done here. But it felt live home when I walked in.

As it's a housing association I don't know if there are any rules about painting or changing flooring . But take someone with you to the viewing and if you like it accept straight away as you don't know when you will be offered a place again . Also you said it wasn't far from where you live now. So it seems ideal.

Good luck with your viewing and give an update about how you got on.

V3ra Fri 10-Nov-23 10:47:14

After my Mum died, Dad didn't cope very well at all. Six months later he moved 160 miles to be near me.
He downsized from a 4 bed house to a 1 bed flat. We just brought what he needed of the contents and disposed of the rest.
My Mum's photo is on display in the bedroom and he says he talks to her. He's still got her jewellery.

He's in a retirement apartment with care available if and when needed. Once he'd settled in he said, "I feel safe living here."
He goes out four days a week and we take him out at the weekend, so he has plenty of social contact which is important.

We've been discussing his options for Christmas recently, and he's said he'd just as soon stay at home as he's so happy living there!

travelsafar the flat you describe sounds lovely and like it would future-proof your health needs.
See if you feel you could be at home there, and don't be afraid to take that next step.

BlueBelle Fri 10-Nov-23 11:06:58

Travelsofar I remember your sad posts when your husband died it’s an awful big change in your life and for so many who had long loving relationships is so life changing it’s impossible to imagine Life will never be the same but it can be a lot better perhaps a move would be good for you
I don’t have advice I ve been on my own in a way too big too cold house for years and years and don’t ever want to move but who knows what may happen in the future maybe I ll change my mind one day and want a little warm flat
I just wanted to send a hug and wish you the very best

Luckygirl3 Fri 10-Nov-23 11:48:53

One of the important things about a move is to be able to maintain social contacts and make new ones - when you live alone this is so important. I hope that you will be able to make the right decision for you.

Glenfinnan Sun 12-Nov-23 11:31:32

Sometimes just doing ‘ something’ can lift us. Hope you find the strength to make your decision. You are not alone … we are all here to listen x

2020convert Sun 12-Nov-23 11:49:55

Thinking of you, now and next week.
When you go and view the flat you should know if you feel OK about moving there. Hopefully there may be some familiar faces.
Hope you have support with the move if you decide it’s right for you.
Life certainly isn’t easy when you live alone, emotionally and practically.

knspol Sun 12-Nov-23 11:51:20

The statements on this thread resonate so much with me. I live in the country in a large house with a very big garden and lost my DH 18 mths ago. I have started to have mobility problems too and know that really I should move to downsize but the thought of leaving the house we bought together and thought of as our dream home is just too much to bear. I haven't even been able to dispose of any of DH's personal belongings so how can I bear to leave his home? I also think I've made some decisions in the last 18 mths that were the wrong ones and feel I've let him down over these little things so how can I make such a huge decision on my own. Sounds pathetic I know.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 12-Nov-23 11:56:39

I hope you will feel happier when you have made the decision either to move, or not to.

I don't know whether you are depressed or not, but I am sure you are still grieving for your husband, which is only natural.

But please do make an appointment with your gp - you should not need to battle with controling your pain yourself - it is your doctor's job to have some sensible solutions both with regards to controlling the pain and with coming to terms with your loss of mobility, which cannot be easy.