Black Dog 22

Have driven back tonight. Really no point in staying

Thanks Nadateturbe for the hug. Think the faraway look is something to do with the pressure in his head that seems to stop him being able to think.
Lovely to have a walk along the coast. We haven't done a beach walk for ages. We need to prioritise it I think.
Wyllow You have done amazing to go out yourself like that. All the little voices in your head saying what's the point , and you resisted them and went for it. I can see how self- conscious it must make you if you don't feel you look right but you've done so well. I'm sorry about your hair , I understand what it's like about hair loss and you could be lacking in nutrients and/or iron. Your immune system could be low too. I hope you get your MH worker back this week. Oh dear, yes, 16th August seems so far away.
EllieAnne Hope it's going a little better with your DD. It sounds so hard . You really are a good mum , many couldn't drive so far a distance.
Scaredycat You have so many family members and do so well to try and stay in touch with them all. Aw your neice's little boy must have been puzzled- can just imagine him. Perhaps you will see him again when he's a little older but Ikwym. I find myself thinking about the time left but have to stop myself.
HVDY Hope your day went well with your DGD and your lunch was nice. You will be tired- I know what it's like when they start snoring. I say shhh and he stops for a little while then starts again.
It was my DH who spoke to the Rheumatologist secretary. I didn't think he soundedworried or urgent enough although he did say what was necessary. He said his hand tingled but in fact his whole arm started to ache. He's still getting actual headaches so not sure if he's on right dose but he can't sleep on the side that was operated on .
Doodle Hope you've not had too bad a day today and you've had company , perhaps sons . Sending love to you and thinking of you as always.

Love to all BDs not mentioned and hope you're OK.

Had Son2s little dog here for a while today while they went somewhere, then took her back later. Sister and her partner came this afternoon too and we gave her the cottage DH had done for her birthday which she loved. DH looked v tired after a while and they left.
Not sure how it will go but the first GP that didn't listen to us about headaches is on and we will try to get appt with hi. - not seen him since went to different GP and she sent him to Emergency Day centre. He's only GP who does all F2F. He's been nice to us but failed terribly when he wouldn't believe it was GCA.
Anyway , DHs arm getting worse and he wants him to know about BP and mistakes made about it being normal and we're worried. I want to see if he apologises and we might see him again. If he doesn't, I don't know, might have to change surgery.
Dr's make mistakes but if admitting them ,fair enough. Covering up is not to be tolerated ever.
Wishing all a peaceful night.x

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ScaredyCat What a wonderful chance you had to meet the baby. He sounds a happy little boy. Could you FaceTime them when they go back to Australia? Yes, Kitty Cafe is all kitted out for the (20 at the moment?) cats that live there. People can adopt them (after home checks etc).

HvDY went to church this morning and met lots of people I know and stayed for coffee. Waitrose shop and then home. Went for a short walk later this afternoon.
Sounds like you DGD is having a lovely time with you and enjoying herself, Hope you had a good time at the Kitty cafe.
Sweetpeasue if I might make a suggestion, you’ve put down here very clearly your concerns about your husband. I would suggest you email those to his consultants secretary and copy your GP and just say you’re pleased he has appointment on 16th but if a cancellation pops up earlier please could you have it. Always good to have these things on record. I know why you’re so worried and it’s annoying they don’t take it more seriously.
Oh dear poor aunt. At least you could laugh about it after. 😊
I’ve been ok today. A few tears but on the whole ok.
nadateturbe so pleased you had a coast walk. That always lifts the spirits. Nothing like some fresh sea air.
Wyllow I’m so pleased you made it to the park again. I sometimes find it hard to cope seeing couples together. But I had my DH for 57 years so can’t complain even though I wanted longer. Going to the park is such an achievement. Getting outside and walking is good. I took myself for a short walk today too. Think of me when you go out. The two of us having a little stroll together x
Scaredycat what a lovely holiday you’ve had. How nice to be with your nieces little boy in his 1st birthday.
I e peut you’re tired after that long trip and have lots of washing to do. Take it easy and relax and enjoy being home 😊
Ellie Anne how are things going. I hope you are doing ok

Candy hope you are having a good time at the caravan. Been a nice day here hope it was for you too.

Resting after being out for 4 hours! Along the coast. So good. Hope I manage to post before tiredness sets in. Back later.x

Wyllow3 I am so pleased for you, getting out again. Well done for the effort. If I am out walking along the coast I smile and say hello to everyone I pass. People actually appreciate it, especially if they are alone, and often there is an opportunity to make a comment about something. You've done so well.

Hi all. Back home now - it was so nice to see DH niece home from Australia with her partner and baby whose 1st Birthday was the reason for the get together so,we could all meet him. He was the dearest little soul - not fazed by anything very smiley. He did look bewildered when Happy Birthday was sung but then giggled and all was ok again. Yet another little person to love. They go back in 2 weeks so it felt sad as time is not on our side anymore to see him again!! But mustn’t think like that
We were lucky to meet him.
EllieAnne- I expect you and your DD are very tired - you from the long drive and her from a weeks stress at work.She will be glad to have you there even if she’s not very good at showing it.
I hope you,ve both relaxed a bit now- a meal out sounds a good idea. Whatever you do together I hope you feel better for,seeing her - you are a kind caring Mum
Candy- hope you enjoy your time at the caravan- the weather here is lovely so hope yours is too.
You,re right to savour every moment with your GS - he will remember these years and will share his good times with you as he grows up. You sound like a ‘Cool’ Nan to me.
HVDY- what a lovely day with your GD1. It sounds like the perfect day for her. Certainly all our GDS loved that sort of day with us. It’s wonderful watching your GC grow into adults although as SweetPeaSue said it is bittersweet- but enjoy every minute.
Is the Kitty Cafe in Nottingham one of those where you have coffee and there are lots of cats in the cafe? My DD and her daughter went to one the other week where there were some of those weird little bald ones - they loved it. We have a lot of mad cat ladies in our family😺😺 Have a lovely dayxx
Nadateturbe- I,m sorry you have been poorly while I,ve been away. So good to hear you had a seaside walk yesterday - it must have felt so good to be out and watching the sea.
SweetPeaSue- I expect your DH gets preoccupied sometimes and very tired with his symptoms. Glad the Rheumatologist was cooperative and helpful but it’s a long wait still. Just don’t hesitate to call for help if you get really scared.
On a lighter note. Poor Auntie!! But it must have been funny- no good crying over it though😂😂
Wyllow- what a massive effort it must have taken to go walking again- I,m so pleased for you. It really is such good therapy. Perhaps if you sat for a while you might meet someone to chat with. Baby steps but you are brilliant.
If you feel a bit stronger one day maybe for 5 mins you could pull up a few weeds- your lovely garden is in there somewhere. Another really therapeutic thing to do. It helped me so much when my Mum took her own life. And I didn’t even like gardening then!
There doesn’t have to be a point to everything really- just do what makes you feel better. Lovely to see your posts againxxxx
Doodle- Ah a hard day for you today. You have achieved much these last few weeks but there is no time scale for healing- some days you will feel a bit stronger then a day comes along that knocks you for six. It’s like the sea- gentle waves and then along comes a big old one and knocks you off your feet.
Take care dear Doodle- we all love youxx
Athenia- how are you today?
Whiff,Nanny,Allsorts,Jaffacake, and all who have posted or just read wishing you a peaceful evening.

SweetpeaSue Did the Rheumatologist's secretary listen to your concerns? Offer any advice? I think it might be a good idea for you to do the driving, wherever possible. Good that you took your aunt out, even though she ended up a bit damp . GD is quite young for her age, in many ways - not "street-wise" or cynical yet. She spent a lot of time telling me about her mum (a very unpleasant person) .

nadateturbe Glad you felt able to get out for a walk. It must be great to be near to a beach.

Wyllow3 Are you the type of person who is able to strike up a conversation with anyone sitting alone? That would be a good start to get to know people and alleviate some of your isolation. Just a chat about the weather/scenery/birds etc., would be good. I hope you feel up to going out today,

I've been up since 5! DH's snoring is TOO much (GD slept in "his" room). She's up now, so after breakfast, we'll get ready and go to Kitty Cafe then have a look at the beach area in Nottingham city centre, before a pub lunch somewhere then taking her home. Hope ALL BDers manage to see a bit of sunshine x

I saw in the day Ellie Anne how very difficult is for you and felt such sympathy. I hope matters are a bit better but if they aren’t I think you are still doing the best thing to go and keep contact, but sorry it’s so hard.

Doodle sending you and I think of you and can imagine some of what you feel.

What a simply lovely day HVDY I hope your pain was under control, and smiled like others here at those precious months before you have to become a very different sort of gran.

*Not surprised you were completely wiped out, nadateturbe. Well done on the last walk however.

What a blessing your caravan is, Candy

Seeing DH eyes like that is poignant and must be scary, Sweetpeasue . I did wonder if he was sort of withdrawing a bit to rest but of course thats not easy. You are doing well with the driving and seeing Auntie. I was glad to read you have found a Rheumatologist's secretary who communicates well, but August 16th must seem far away

As I had bit more energy so I pushed myself for a short walk in the park again today. Lots of families together which is sort of hard but I noticed some older people on their own so know others must be maybe having to make an effort too.

I know what people mean if a dressing gown day is taking a day out but its not like that in my head at all
its more self hatred and guilt looking at my garden that used to be so lovely and it overgrown jungle and obvious from the front of the house to all….and my hair is falling out gradually ….

and yet there is always what is the point in the background, constant unless I distract.

I do feel a bit better for the park if I make it though.

Sending loving wishes for all BD’s not in today and for best nights possible.

Thanks Sweetpeasue. We slept most of the day when we got home.! Your husbands faraway look brought tears to my eyes. Giving you a big hug. So nice that you got auntie out even if you did drench her in milk! Lol.
Sorry haven't energy to write much more, after all. My life is so boring atm. apart from trips to hospital 😁. But we did manage a nice walk at the coast today, which really lifted us.
Enjoyed reading about your day HVDY. GD doing her skincare routine .

Wyllow Going to the park yourself was a great achievement . You ' made' yourself, against all the feelings that you couldn't or didn't want to so that's really good. Don't worry that next day was dressing gown day. You've written such nice posts to people so thankyou for your words to me too. Hope you will get the worker /carer back next week.
HVDY What a lovely day with your DGD- she must love coming. Hope you both enjoy your evening with film and sweets. My own DGD is same age as yours and though I can't see her regularly I know they're v conscious of their looks. It's bittersweet isn't it? Wish they didn't want to grow up so quickly.
Candy It's so good you have your caravan and it's great you can get away more now you're not at work. Weather has improved a bit now thank goodness. My DGS is 9 and I've noticed such a difference in this last year. This 'cool' thing starting. I can't have him every week or for long periods but I try and keep up and stay on his wavelength. So far , so good. He said to me ,last time he was here, 'Nanas don't usually play football!' 🙂
Nadateturbe I hope you've been OK today. High BP doesn't often have symptoms so yours must have been really high, I'm so sorry. Glad you had good care in hospital. You must have been exhausted when you got back home, you poor soul. Big hug.x
Scaredycat Hope your journey to more family members went well and you have a lovely time.
EllieAnne You've done amazing to drive all that way , it's incredible- I could never do that. Oh but I hope things have been sorted a little , from your last post. HVDY 's suggestion about going for a meal sounds good as it distracts a little being with other people around. Even a coffee somewhere might be easier than inside DDs home. Remember, you are a good mum doing her best.
Doodle You made me smile and eyes moisten when you said you wouldn't know what to say to you. As Candy ,the closest fam members to go were my parents and that was bad enough . Took me a long time to feel a little 'normal' after my mum died. Totally different from someone you've spent your life living with and loving so much. Just so, so sorry. I hadn't realised it was 10 weeks! I remember ,when mum died, about that long afterwards others seemed to be getting on with life and didn't seem focused on her loss so much and it scared the life out of me. I went to my aunt's in tears and was so frightened that life was carrying on as if she had never been here but she was all I wanted to talk about. I hope you're not alone tomorrow. I do pray for you . Sending a hug.

Yesterday DH rang Rheumatologist's secretary and she replied-again- easier than any others I've tried to contact. She said earliest appt 16th August. I'm v concerned about DH's behaviour with the blood not getting throughproperly to his brain and left arm and hand aching so much. We need to use my car more often as he's slower with everything and I can't drive his. I'm scared. Nightmare taking aunt out with us this morning ,her broken wrist in plaster but she was so happy to go out. My DHs eyes looked far away and so tired, it's difficult to explain but he says he can't think properly when his head gets foggy and blank.
In lighter mood, I spilt milk over aunt! As I put tray down the little milk jug fell off-it went everywhere. Poor aunt just stood dripping while I went for assistant and cloths. We all laughed in the end but the chair had to be taken away and floor covered. Many jokes about spilt milk followed.

Love to all here, those reading and those not mentioned. Hope Jaffacake, Athenia OK too.

EllieAnne That's a good idea from Doodle. Can you go somewhere with your daughter? Being somewhere neutral might be the best place to have a chat and try to get on with each other.

Doodle 10 weeks isn't long at all, although it probably seems much longer to you. Will you see anyone tomorrow?

We picked up GD1 at 10, went to a nice shopping area across town, where there was a very lively street market on, selling all kinds of things (mostly foods from different cultures), where she bought some jarred things to give to her dad. Lunch at an unusual and interesting restaurant, then on the park to watch a cookery demonstration and a singer. Dozens of people there. She bought her dad some toiletries and craft beers for his birthday next week - obviously, we paid. Just had dinner and she's gone for a shower and to do her "skincare routine" . Film and sweets later. Hope ALL other BDers are ok today x

Thanks for kind words from everyone. Will chat soon.
EllieAnne what's happening?
How are you today Wyllow3?
Doodle ten weeks, such a long time and yet seems short. Still very early days to get used to being without your dear husband.💐

Oh Ellie Anne is it difficult with your daughter. After that long journey you must be so tired. Not sure I know what to suggest. Could you go out for a meal together. Maybe being somewhere else might help.
nadateturbe sorry you had to go to A&E. Are you feeling better now?
Sweetpeasue your prayers mean so much. I know you all care and like you, I wouldn’t know what to write to me either.
10 weeks tomorrow. I can hardly believe it.
Candy thank you. I can imagine being at the caravan is relaxing and lovely but also understand the desire to be with your GS. Lovely age 8. Hope the weather improves.
Wyllow I hope you get more and more better days.
HVDY I’m another who hates motorway driving. Yes it was good to have our sons with me yesterday. Hope you have a good weekend.

This is not going well. Feel as if I might as well go home but I
Don’t want to be there either.

EllieAnne Well done on that long drive. I've only ever been on the motorway twice (DH there) and hated it. Hope your weekend goes well.

Doodle I'm glad your sons were with you yesterday.

nadateturbe How awful for you, that time in A&E. The situation with the NHS is dire, because there aren't enough nurses, doctors or beds, and now far too many people are using the service. Rest up now.

Candy6 Have a relaxing time at your caravan. Your GS will still love seeing you when he's older, if you've got a close relationship. Our 13 year old texts and rings me, and will be here shortly, she's not "too cool" to be with us old fogies .

Wyllow3 Your dressing gown day wasn't wasted, it was what you needed. Today or tomorrow might be different.

SweetpeaSue Hope you and your husband are ok.
ScaredyCat, Whiff, and ALL BDers - hope you all have a decent day, too. x

Caught up with you all.

Today was an awful feelings dressing gown day got through it somehow and hating self for "exhausted just coping"
Hoping yesterday wasn't a one off.

Love to all, I just want to say thinking of all and not wanting to single anyone out just Doodle and glad the NHS came through for you Nadateturbe

Evening all
Doodle you definitely made the right decision re the procedure. You don’t need any unnecessary stress at the moment. Like others, I do not have any personal experience of losing my DH, but I do know from losing my parents that memories do get easier to cope with. Painful at first, but eventually you will look back on them fondly and the pain will ease. It’s just too raw for you at the moment. I can only imagine your pain but you still have so much to live for and you will live again just in a different way. We’re all on this journey with you, every step of the way. Keep pushing yourself, you will get there in the end.
HVDY it’s nice you got to see your SiL. I’m sure your visit will have raised her spirits. My DH doesn’t deal too well with it either (his Mum has it) and says I’m better with her than he is. Patience and a level of acceptance for him is the key I think. Like you said ‘chatted about anything and nothing”. It doesn’t matter, you are occupying them and engaging with them, that’s what matters. It’s hard and you are good to do it. Sounds like you’ve got a busy weekend ahead. Rest when you can.
Wyllow you did well on getting out. It would have taken a lot and you should be proud of yourself. Hope your support worker is back soon and you can get out and about more. Your sister is lucky having alpacas. I love alpacas. In an ideal world, I would have dogs, alpacas, some goats and a donkey. It’ll never happen as I don’t have the space but it’s a nice dream. Koko.
Nadaterturbe sorry you’ve spent some time I’m hospital. Hope it wasn’t too traumatic for you but I’m glad you’re ok. Rest up now.
Athenia sorry you are feeling so low. This is the place to help but there are other outlets too. There are many resources online you could access for help and advice. You could also try another AD. Just because you’ve tried one and it hasn’t worked out, it doesn’t mean there aren’t others. I researched online and sort of decided on the one I wanted to try and my GP was happy to prescribe it. I’m on Sertraline and it’s worked for me but everyone is different. Do some research but keep going. You have to push yourself but in the end it will be worth it. Post whenever you need to. Some of us post often, some don’t, whatever works for you. We’re here.
Sweetpeasue a worrying time for you. I’m glad your DH seems a bit better. It’s stressful being on alert all of the time, especially as you have your own health issues. Again, if you need to offload, then do so, whatever you need to do. Hope it’s all sorted soon for you I really do.
Whiff you give such good, knowledgeable advice. Funny story about the popcorn. Nice memories ❤️.
Scaredycat more memory making for you. Precious times. Safe journey.
Ellie Anne hope you have a good time in Yorkshire. You do so well travelling there. I will drive long distances, but don’t like it very much. I’m sure you will be of great help to your daughter and she will appreciate you making the effort. Never doubt your attributes as a Mum as it’s obvious you are a good one. We can only do what we can.

We’ve come to the caravan again. Even though the weather’s not been good, we seem to be coming more. It helps me not being in work and also DH being much quieter in his. We can’t be here all the time mainly because of childcare duties but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My GS is 8, probably the only one I’ll ever have close contact with, so I’m relishing it. It won’t be long before it won’t be “cool” to go to Grandma’s so I’m enjoying it while I can. Hope all have had the best day possible. Night all xx

So sorry I couldn't come in earlier.
EllieAnne You are so good to be able to drive that distance . I couldn't. Well done .
Doodle So glad your sons were with you today. Sorry that I can't think of the right words to say. I think if I was in your shoes I'd not appreciate words of comfort unless I'd been through the same experience. I do pray for you every day . I only hope it makes a difference. You have made a big difference to me when I was in so much need and came to BD.
Oh Nadateturbe So sorry you have been so poorly and needed A&E. Though so relieved you have had good treatment and care. I read of a case of ME in someone today in a paper. It's so dreadful that there are so many without better care and not enough resources and finance put into research.

Sorry can't reply to all. Wishing everyone a peaceful night.

I must say, although the wait was long, considering the pressure on the NHS, I feel I did well. Rang out of hours doctor as I was unsteady on my feet and BP very high. Got f2f GP appointment at hospital 2 hrs later and sent to A&E. Eventually moved to side room on recliner chair with 4 others. Got served breakfast. CT scan. Medication. Home.
Honestly, I don't know how they cope.
HVDY I'm sorry you're waiting so long for help with your leg.
Sweetpeasue you're not an idiot, you're an intelligent kind caring lady.
Scaredycat exciting visit this weekend, hope you have a wonderful time.

Wyllow3 you went for a walk alone. Brilliant. So pleased for you. A step forward.
Good advice to Athenia.
Sorry everyone, I have not the energy toread all the posts and reply properly but I do think of you all. Was in A&E 5pm Sunday to 12 noon Monday. Am ok, had high BP and dizzy.
Can't do long stretches online. I met some lovely people in A&E, was not time wasted. and staff were amazing.
Doodle sending love, don't push yourself too much. Still praying.
Remembering you too in my prayers EllieAnne.
Sorry I can't speak to each of you right now.xx

Ellie Anne so pleased you made it ok. You are very brave. I wouldn’t drive that far. Hope all is well with your DD and you have a good weekend xx
HVDY glad you’ve got a physio appointment. Hope he can sort out your leg and give you some reassurance.
Ours sons and I have been to collect DHs ashes today. He’s now home with me. Sad, sweet day.

Safely in Yorkshire. M1 was a bit of a nightmare with roadworks and heavy traffic but on the A66 the sun was out and the views were amazing. Should have stopped for a photo.
Dd still at work.
Thank you for kind thoughts.

EllieAnne Hope your visit goes well. You're a good mother to go and offer support to your daughter. No matter how grown-up they are, our children are always our children.

Wyllow3 Well done on getting to the park! If you could do that occasionally, you'll be getting a dose of Vitamon D, and the sunshine (when we have it) will do your mood a bit of good. koko.

Did an online form to the GP about my leg sometimes suddenly giving way when I'm walking (been doing it for 10-14 days). GP rang, said there were no appointments for 2-3 weeks, unless I request an urgent one. She's booking me in to see the Physio (the nice one I spoke with the other week) on Tuesday. It's sunny and bright here. Going to feed Son2's cats and let them out. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

Ellie Anne sorry your post must have come in while I was typing mine.
Will certainly pray for a safe journey for you and hope everything is ok when you get there and your DD is ok. Take care x