Black Dog 22

Hi everyone hope I,ve done this right!!!
SweetPeaSue- So glad the Wedding went off well- sounds like there was plenty of food. I sometimes think buffets look too
“Brown” all that meaty stuff.
I wish my sister and I could have been with our Mum when she died but she took her own life somewhere inaccessible for us.
Your DH did the right thing - distracting yourself. Ah you had got yourself in a right tizz. I,m so sorry .
As we’ve said many times on here we must make the most of each day with our loved ones.
Wyllow - it’s good to see you open up a bit. It’s sad to hear you say ‘what’s the point’. You have people who love you and the gift of life. I wish so much I could help you learn to live again. You are bravely making a big effort and you will get there one day- we all care so much
Doodle- Ah it is an awful feeling - if only. You have been the kindest most loving partner to your DH and it’s good that you can look at your pictures and videos with comfort. Being able to have one more hug is the wish that will last. I had a thought that maybe you could make a cuddle pillow with some soft material from some of DH clothes.
Nice to have tidy hair - I seem to remember you said it was quite thick so it must cut beautifully.
Been for a walk with DD this morning and it really made me tired. 😩 But coffee and cake on the way helped revive me.
Hope you have a gentle Sunday.
HVDY- thank you for those lovely photos. What a beautiful little soul she is- so cuddly.
I believe I once read that groin pain can come from the hip - just as EllieAnne says.
EllieAnne- we would all be bothered if you disappeared! So would those who love you. I think you feel overwhelmed by all you feel you need to do. Would your husband do the garden with you? Don’t wear yourself out.

Thanks for starting a new thread, ScaredyCat.

EllieAnne Even though you think nobody would miss you if you weren't here, they would. You're a good mum and gran, and all the family would miss you. They have their own lives, but wouldn't want to be without you. I hope you'll find some company tomorrow. I really hope my pain isn't my hip, but being too fat can't be helping.

SweetpeaSue That buffet sounds exactly the kind of food my husband loves! Meats, pork pie, Scotch egg - all the things to expect on a buffet. I keep Googling my symptoms and hope I haven't got Arthritis in my hip. One of the GPs (no idea which one) decided, last week, that I need BP tablets. I started them on Tuesday and have had a headache ever since, with dizziness. My BP is now higher than it was! 167/70, then 155/80 (it averaged out at 141/81 before). I hope your husband can be persuaded to see someone about his headaches.

It's a beautiful day here - not seen or heard from the family, but that's ok. DH and I have been trying to tidy up the garden (he mowed the grass, I've got rid of some weeds and put an old garden bench on the path, for the scrap men. Hope ALL BDers are ok x

Scaredy cat no he wouldn’t do anything in the garden. I have someone cuts the grass every fortnight but the rest is down to me.

And really I don’t think any of them would miss me. Miss my help in the house and with the bills but not me. Dd keeps reminding me of things I did wrong and sons don’t seem interested.

*ScaredycatThankyou for starting new BD- I've not a clue. Buffet def brown, think there was different rice bowls too. Oh and little Yorkshire with roast beef in served after ceremony while photos/videos taken. I'm so sorry about your mum and can't imagine those circumstances and how awful it must have been for you and your sister. Although my mum died in the hospice she wanted to be taken home so badly. So badly that she tried to escape under the influence of drugs.....
Corridors leading to our room we're v narrow and room had frosted windows so you couldn't see out- reason for my panicking. So true about making most of time with loved ones, so true.
EllieAnne You sound so lonely and loneliness is a terrible feeling ,especially when you've no one to share those feelings with. You will feel so isolated. Scaredycat is right -we would miss you. You can share those lonely feelings with us anytime ,even if we can't actually change things for you, we care. No parent is perfect and haven't things we wished we could have done differently. The 'could' in that sentence is important- I didn't put would because that implies we had the power and strength at the time to do differently. Whatever, we can't change things that happened- I have had to realise that myself. We can only keep trying and loving -that's sufficient EllieAnne and no one can ask more of us. I'm sure God wouldn't. When an AC becomes a parent themselves , it's then they realise their own inadequacies and how very hard it can be . We're all only human -all even our AC with all their own imperfections. Forgiveness , on all sides, for our imperfections is what I hope for in my own AC.
EllieAnne, in replying to your post it has helped me understand so much--thankyou. You are good enough. Xx

Wyllow You're stuck doing the 'basics' but it's good you are continuing doing them - you are making a huge effort but one day you might find it is a little less effort, then again later on even less effort. The koko will pay off, I'm sure. I hope you are having a better day today . I think if the extra carer is suitable you may find it a huge benefit and if you can get out a little with her will help physically. So glad you keep posting. X

Scaredycat thanks for opening a new thread for us.
Glad you had a nice walk with your DD. I went out with a friend but no coffee or cake I’m afraid.
Ellie Anne I think you’re feeling like that because you are so low. You don’t have much joy in your life. I know we’ve mentioned it before but have you thought of ADs. I’m struggling at the moment. So much to be done in the flat but can’t be bothered really. It’s hard to get enthusiasm for anything. Have you been for a walk today?
HVDY I’d go back to the GP about your Bp . Doesn’t sound right. Your poor hip. Does it cause you problems sleeping?
Sweetpeasue that’s a lovely post. The wedding sounds as though all went well. Hope your DH had a better day today.
Sorry for short post, my iPad is on a go slow and it’s hard to get anything down. I’ve already lost one post. X

Good to see the Black dog continues . Shows how important a thread this is thank you Scaredycat for starting the new thread .

I did go for a walk this afternoon. Did about 5 miles. It was quite isolated just an occasional cyclist. I sometimes think if something happened to me if I collapsed or was attacked no one knows where I am. People say I shouldn’t go on my own but I need the quiet. And none of my friends are able to walk much.

Scaredycat thank you. (I had no idea about your mum)

and such kindness and wisdom today. Understand how you feel EllieAnne when I say it to a worker she says it's the illness speaking. People are around but you don't feel any connection.
Still the same, but so good BD's are here and I do read to follow and know where people are.

Night night all BD's

ScaredyCat How awful for you and your sister. Your mum must have been very troubled to have done that.

EllieAnne I'm sorry you feel so lonely. As for your daughter reminding you of things you did wrong - we've all made mistakes. Being a parent is often very difficult, and it isn't until we're older that we look back and sometimes wish we'd done things differently. We're only human and not one of us is perfect.

Just got to dash off - rang GP at 8, got a call back just now, got an appointment 9.30, so I'd better get my face on and dry my hair. Back later to reply to others x

EllieAnne their no such thing as a perfect parent. We come home from hospital with a baby and no instruction manual . I well remember saying to my husband what do we do now he said love her and bring her up the way you where. My husband had an awful upbringing. They didn't love him or give him attention. Yes they feed and clothed him but didn't give him the things he needed and wanted he got from my family . My dad was beaten and had malnutrition. He was the oldest of 7 the only one that was looked after properly was his youngest half sibling who was born with Downs . That's the only good thing about his dad and Stepmom they never put him in a home . He was born in 1950 and he was cherished by all. Dad got the family he needed when he met my mom . His brother and sisters only them got birthday and Christmas presents.

Both my dad and husband had the love of an extended family because of my mom and me.

We brought our children up the same lots of love and attention . In the early years money was tight but they never went without and only spoilt with love. When my health got worse my husband said we would alter our way of life to suit you and the children would have a normal upbringing just that they had a disabled mom. But it made them and their friends have more understanding of disability.

Our children grow up and who they love is up to them . We can only hope they pick someone who will love them and be their other half. You love who you love and it's a mystery who you fall totally and deeply in love with.

I loved my daughter in law as my own same as I love my son in law. Both my children met their other halves while young . Little did I know what the future held.

Both my children always wanted me to live closer to them especially as my health got worse. As I had no one dependant on me I could finally move 15 years after my husband died.

For 7 months my son brought his 2 eldest to see me every week for lunch and play. Then Covid but still had texts ,phones calls and videos. Last saw and spoke to my son on my birthday end April 2020. Had a lovely time . Little did I know what was going to happen. 4 days later his text saying he sent me and his sister an email and not to contact him. I was given the sack as his mom . He called me vindictive and manipulative. And the email was full of lies and assumptions. Followed up by letter in August 2020. I have a grandson who I don't know his name of date of birth only he was due in 2020. His brother's where 4&2 last time I saw them they will have forgotten me now.

But I am lucky to have a wonderful daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's.

I can only conclude my daughter in law didn't like my son and grandsons seeing me weekly . But it is my son who sent the letter and email. Why his wife is jealous of me no idea I am his mom not lover . But I am not alone you only have to read the support thread on estrangement forum.

We didn't fail as parents but our child or children and adult grandchildren in some cases choose to dispose of us like rubbish . So anyone going through the same thing read the support thread and see you are not alone .

Estranged children think they are perfect parents but they are not . And one day they will have a rude awakening. When their children tell them all the things they did wrong.

I would never have told my parents all the mistakes they made. I loved my parents very much and they did the best they could but we where never short of love and attention. And that's what children need.

SweetpeaSue Your poor mum. She must have been anxious and confused. That must have been upsetting to witness. How are you today? How's your husband?

Doodle The things you need to do in your flat can perhaps wait. Look after yourself first.

Wyllow3 How are you today?
Whiff A very insightful post, as always.

I saw the GP, she's arranging an x-ray but said she thinks it will return as normal. She thinks I've got either a trapped nerve or strained ligament, had given me Codeine Phosphate, and sent me a link to self-refer for physiotherapy (I've just done that), so I'll have to wait and see. She thinks the Ramipril is causing the dizziness and headaches and told me to take it at night. I'll carry on with it for a couple more weks (only started on Tues). Hope ALL BDers are ok x

HVDY what dosage of Ramipril are you on? I have been on 1 x 10mg a day for over 20 years. But I know some people have problems with it especially if it's a higher dose. If your GP takes you off it don't let them put you on Amlodipine as that gives swelling in your lower legs and ankles. When I first attended the Atrial fibrillation clinic first thing did was take me off it and said she wished GPs wouldn't put people on it. My lower legs and ankles went down and I could wear ankle boots.

Glad she is arranging an x ray for you . But I would advise you don't have physio until you have had the X ray just incase your GP is wrong and it shows something. As having physio with a unknown injury could cause more damage.

Scaredycat sorry about your mom . It's a heavy weight for you to bear.

Wyllow nice to see when you are able to write longer here. Have read your posts elsewhere but I can understand why it's easier to talk about other things..

Wave and a hug to everyone else.

Ellie Anne that’s a long walk. I take it you keep your phone with you. I do get the desire to walk and be with your own thoughts. I find i can’t concentrate in anything now. My thoughts flit from one thing to another. Keep feeling so sad.
I can understand your loneliness. It’s awful isn’t it.
The others are right. No such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes. We just try to do the best we can at the time.
Wyllow you’ll always be amongst friends here. Nice to see you posting a bit more. It’s a long road isn’t it. All of us travelling it together.
Scaredycat sorry I missed what you said about your mum. How dreadful for you and your sister. Must have been so hard to come to terms with. You have suffered great loss in your life I wonder you had the strength to go on. You are such a lovely person and have such kind words for us all.x
HVDy codeine should help with the pain. Don’t forget to take laxatives as it can cause constipation. Hope it helps you.
DH used to take some of his BP meds at night too. Might get rid of the worst of the symptoms.
Whiff your story is so sad. I can see in your posts the love you had for your DH and the love you still have for your children. Who knows why your son should treat you in such a way. I’m so sorry you don’t have contact but am so glad you and your daughter’s family are close. Has your son cut off his sister too?
Sweetpeasue have you had a relaxing day today. How has your DH been? Will he see the Gp do you think?

EllieAnne Good you managed a walk yesterday. Can understand the concern people have in walking alone in secluded places- think I'd be a bit wary too. On the other hand you are getting pleasure from it and the exercise helps low mood so I'd carry on- it's worth it. You need that time for yourself.
HVDY My DH was on Ramipril for yrs and had a cough all that time until I realised it could be that causing it. Came off it and cough is gone, but everyone is different. I hope they get to the bottom of what your pain is -trapped nerves can be agony.
My mum was 63 when she was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.It was a shock and she died 10 weeks later. Only meant to be in hospice for sorting out pain relief ,never wanted to be there. Put on Ketamine ,v strong horse drug. Much more is known about it now but it sent her strange- she rushed past us in her room, out double doors into car park on a freezing night where she was for 2hrs in her dressing gown. Head Dr of hospice came out from home but wouldn't sedate her to take her inside! She felt everyone against her and said some horrifying things-I wasn't her daughter anymore. She was religious so we called the vicar from our village who came out and talked to her in a car with the bible. She relented and came back inside where the drugs increased until she could no longer talk or move., yet was aware at times of sound. Died a few dys later. Still have nightmares but she couldn't come home. Pancreatic pain is horrendous and she needed pain relief she couldn't get at home. Me and my sisters know we did right thing but it still Herts. Sorry, will come back. Didn't mean to go on. x

Scaredycat Doodle is right you are such a cheery person and always sound so young at heart, which is incredible after everything you've been through. Sorrow must never be far away and I'm really sorry you and your sister have been through all that. 🌹
Whiff What you say is so true in that every parent makes mistakes and we find out quite early I think, that our parents are not perfect. But we usually learn to ignore little things that might annoy and love and appreciate them for who they are. It must have hurt terribly for your son to do what he did. Hurt his sister too. So glad you found help with the estrangement forum. So many wounded people there who help each other.
Nadateturbe I hope you are OK and coping with everything . Hope the eyes are a little better too.
Doodle Wish I had some helpful words for you. I can only send love and a virtual hug. Have you been to art class yet? Sorry if I've missed that. Thankyou, my day started with pain but I'm OK now. Appt at Pain clinic this morning. Last time I saw them in Jan they wanted to wait until I'd finished with Psychologist.It was pain psychogist and I told her how much I'd improved mentally. She was happy and she gave me an e-mail if I needed her in the next 6mths but I assured her I don't want to go over the past and I'm looking forward now. DH is trying to hold on for Rheumatologist in another 4 weeks. Spent some time in garden painting trellis to go up.
Wyllow You are doing amazing just to keep on with the smallest self care . It must be so hard , and difficult to see any future light at the end of tunnel but we never know how close we are to that light. Sorry for all the metaphors, I expect I can be quite annoying to some. Don't mean to sound patronising or glib. I'm sure you understand. What I mean is you mightnt be as far away as you feel. I hope you haven't too far to go. You will get there. Love and a hug your way. X

Hope all BDs have had a reasonable day and love to all those not mentioned.



Hope all have had a re

Whiff I'm on 2.5mg of Ramipril, started it Tues. The hospital put me on Amlodipine after my stroke but my GP topped it because of the swollen legs. I had Lercanidipine, which another GP stopped as she said that's what had caused the Vasculitis in my legs. No, I'm not going to do any exercises at all (given up aqua aerobics for now) until after the x-ray. It must have hurt you so much when your son cut you off like that. I can never understand families behaving like that. A friend of mine has been treated very badly by her son, and she hasn't seen his child (about 18 months old now) for a long time - she's only ever had 3 photos of the child.

Doodle. Thanks. I know about constipation with Codeine - the GP said to take 1 or 2 tablets when I need to (up to 8 a day) but I'll take the smallest amount I can manage on. I've bought some Lactulose (almost everyone I ever went to when I did care work took that and now I'm one of those people. How has your day been?

SweetpeaSue I know that by the time Pancreatic cancer is diagnosed, it's usually too late and that a person doesn't survive long after that. I saw it when I worked for the hospice. It's very sad. Your poor mum, and it must have been very distressing for you and your sisters.

Wyllow3 You're a tough person, you've been through such a lot. You will get better. Koko.

ElieAnne If you go out alone somewhere remote, please take your mobile with you. I hope you've been able to get out today. Has the weather been good? It's been mild but dull here.

Nadateturbe Hope you've been ok today.

I've done very little today - changed the bed, done some washing, made a curry. DH intended painting the fence (70ft long) but reckons it's all rotten on the other side (neighbour that joins onto us, and it's his fence), so he hasn't done it. Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening x

HVDY- I agree with Whiff that it might be best to wait til after the XRay before starting any physio- it could do more harm than good.
My sister was given physio first which was absolute agony for her when in fact she had myeloma!
Yes that buffet would have been just the job for your DH - I remember you said he liked brown food!!
Hope your hip is more comfortable tonight.
EllieAnne- I do feel for you in your loneliness. Perhaps before you go for your walks you could just leave a little note about where you will go. My Apple Watch has a fall detector so if I fell whilst out it contacts emergency services if I don’t answer it- that might be good for you.
That was a good walk you had on Sunday - wish I could still do
that. You are the same as all of us - have tried your best but we are not perfect so please try not to dwell on your DD sometimes thoughtless words. As for your boys they are getting on with their lives and feel secure in the knowledge that they are loved and have a great Mum.
SweetPeaSue- Ah your poor little Mum it must have been so upsetting for you all to see her so distressed.
Oh those frosted windows would have freaked me out too!! I like the window open and fresh air at night.
Such a caring post to EllieAnne.
Whiff- a wise and compassionate post.
It must break your heart to have no contact with your Son and GC. I,m glad you have a lovely daughter and family and hope you are able to see them often.
Wyllow- the worker is right to say it is the illness speaking- can you speak freely to her and put into words your true thoughts?
Do you ever write down how you feel? When I was at my lowest it helped sometimes just to get it out and on paper.
As Doodle said - we are all travelling this long road- take our hands
Doodle- yes your mind will be bursting with thought- about the future,the past ,the weeks to come and how you will manage. All drenched in sadness too. But there will be moments when even in the midst of sadness something will lighten the day for a while. Welcome these moments.
I felt that I had to live the best life I could because they couldn’t and I did it for them. Hard to explain .
When we lost Mum my Sister and I must have gone through every possible emotion from anger to despair. It has brought us
very close because of it.
Thank you for your kind words too- you are a special friend. Take care of yourself for us.
Candy,Allsorts,Nanny and all sending love.

Left it very late to come in. A lot of sorrows here today and getting through.

Respect, dear BD's. All so raw, Doodle

Had an upsetting email from Ex - not getting at me but trying to draw me in something. Felt worse. Can't explain, with the abuse and his illness and obviously still messing up his life. sad, how could I have been taken in...Getting through.

Yes Scaredycatthere is just one worker who I can say anything too, monthly.

Sorry not to reply to others but as ever when I write this last thing you are in my thoughts. xx

ps Sweetpeasue "I assured her I don't want to go over the past and I'm looking forward now" You have moved on so much!

Morning Black dog folk. Thought I'd stray over here as that pesky dog is well and truly living in my space right now. I'm not sure what to do with him realy. I am heartily sick of his company and I certainly didn't invite him in.

zakouma66 Hello. Has anything happened to have caused it? You don't need to say if you don't want to. I've had what used to be known as endogenous depression (no obvious cause, but a chemical imbalance) for about 40 years. I've been on antidepressants more or less all that time.

I don't mind. I think its been on the radar for about 30 years since a bout of PND. God knows. I've tried every damn thing ( practically) to manage it. I've had times on meds and reluctantly wondering if I need to explore this again.

Antidepressants can be very useful, although some people don't like the idea of taking them. I would rather take them for the rest of my days (I'm 65) then ever feel like I did without them. I've been on Mirtazapine (45mg) for about 6 or 7 years, and apart from initail weight gain, haven't had any side effects.
Perhaps see your GP and see what is suggested?