Black Dog 22

Kind words for you Doodle from all, I did wonder after all the expectations of the operation it would be difficult, as it was something happening as opposed to facing that overwhelming grief you describe so poignantly. I understand what a mixed blessing a happy times memory is it’s so early still and so frightening.

Whiff as ever kind and sensible advice.

Hello Athenia. Hard to answer that question for you, as I live with the same feelings a lot of the time.

Answer, I just do as I’ve been better before? Leaving life would hurt others so much?

The “how” is to have routines and to distract and get any help I can mental Health wise.

But I did want to say that a different anti depressant many not have the same side effects and its worth going to the GP to ask if you could try with another?

Ellie Anne I know it won’t be easy with DD so I hope t goes the best it can in the circumstances. Safe travel.

Glad it was a less pain day, HVDY. Oh dear, the “jolly singing” session….

It would be nice to walk in the park not alone Scardeycat. I’m glad you have had good family times, time for a few days rest now before the next big family event…

Sweetpeasue my sister is successful and I am glad she hasn’t got the depression that my other sister now now with us also had a lot of her life. Its a real hassle to get all the meds, isnt it, with dates of issue etc and having to constantly chase things up.

I did go for a walk to the park alone not long after getting up. It was OK, dont know if its a one off or can do a bit more often. Hadn’t washed tho! Just made myself.

Night night dear BD’s in today and all just koko xx

EllieAnne I wish and pray for you to have a safe journey. I do hope that after your visit you come away feeling better about your daughters MH but whatever you feel , you need to know you have done and are doing your best.
DoodleI'm scared to imagine how dreadful and terrifying it is to lose a DH. As HVDY says , we can only imagine. I hope you sleep tonight but please keep coming in and saying how it is. I hope you are getting support from others who have lost their own DHs too.

*

Hvdy going to see dd. She’s had a difficult time lately . Hoping I don’t add to her stress.

SweetpeaSue The singing today was dreadful . I realise that some people like all the old songs, but these were songs from the 1930s - and the women were all out of tune and awful. The cook and a few of the helpers are younger than I am (There is only 1 other person there my age), and they all said it was the longest hour they'd ever endured . What a rigmarole you had to get the Oramorph. Hope you and your husband have been ok today.

EllieAnne I don't do prayers, but I do hope your journey goes well. Are you going away for the weekend?

Doodle I can't pretend to know how you feel, having not experienced it myself, but I feel for you. The grief must be awful. I don't mean to sound flippant, but do you have a radio on during the day for background "company"? Or listen to an audio book when you go to bed? Yes, eldest GD, the one who lives with her dad (Son1). We plan to take her to Kitty Cafe, she'll love that (a will I)

I've been very pleased not to have had any pain today! But then again, I've sat about for pretty much all of it. I'm only taking paracetamol - ran out of Gabapentin and not asking for more, as they didn't help at all. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night. x

Evening all. I think the stress of the last few days has got to me tonight. So upset and sad.
Whiff good advice to Sweetpeasue I support BHF too. Good information.
Wyllow I feel a bit like you do. Such a struggle every day. I wish you could get out more I’m sure it would help a bit. I fell better when I get out, Could you not go and stay with your sister for a bit? The alpacas sound lovely. Being round them might help.
Whiff I can laugh and I do remember things but mostly it’s as you describe bone crushing loss, Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined anything like this. The grief frightens me it’s so overwhelming. Most memories bring tears of loss I’m afraid. I would like to remember all the happy times and smile but at the moment it just brings on a wave of emotion. You say I’m strong and my family think I’m coping well but I’m not really. I shake and feel afraid But I know others like yourself and Scaredycat have got through somehow and so will I.
Sorry I’m a right wet blanket tonight.
Thank you for your support and the story of the popcorn. Lovely 😊
HVDY glad you got your haircut. I always feel better when mine is done. Glad you enjoyed your lunch. Shame about the singing.
Hope you have a good weekend with all your responsibilities. Is it your elder granddaughter you’re having to stay?
Athena sorry you’re so low. We are about the same age. Do you have any classes or hobbies you go to. I’ve had to force myself to go out and mix with people. Do you live on your own? I play sleep stories when I wake up, having a voice droning on in the background stops me from thinking so much.
Sweetpeasue you are not an idiot. You are worried about your DH. Sometimes it helps writing those thoughts down.
I think contacting BHF may be a good idea too. Glad your DH has had a better day. Please try and relax at night you need your sleep too.
Candy thanks for your thoughts. How are you today,
Scaredycat wow I was exhausted just listening to all you’ve got to do, How lovely to have family visiting. You’ve written such kind words to me. I know you understand. Thank you so much

Thanks for thinking of me sweet pea sue . I’m not so good just now.
Going to Yorkshire tomorrow so would appreciate it if those with a faith would pray for a safe journey.
Doodle glad you didn’t have to go through the operation just not.
What a mess our drs are in!
One of my neighbours was telling me about the trouble she’s had getting her painkillers.
Will try to come back in tomorrow.

Wyllow Thanks for reassuring me Im not an idiot. I often feel it. The 'being human' is a good thing to keep reminding ourselves as I think lots of us here feel vulnerable and ,for myself, I self-criticise often.
I wish you could get more care and support. It must be so hard on your own when you can't push for help. HvDYs suggestion of emailing someone instead of ringing might help. Koko is so v hard when you have no energy.
Didn't know your sister had alpacas-how amazing and making yarn from the wool too! What a difference from her job. She must find it so much more relaxing.
Sending hugs and wishing you better each day.x
Whiff Kind words again for Doodle and I loved your story about the popcorn and DH at cinema. Priceless! It's so good you can laugh now Whiff.
HVDY Hope your pain wasn't too bad today. Cooler here too. You made me laugh too about the comment on the singing group. Can just imagine you (lover of heavy metal) sitting there ....'some people seemed to enjoy it' 😂
Scaredycat I love your posts- so understanding and helpful. Lovely words to Doodle and so heartfelt.
Oh another friend diagnosed with dementia, that's so sad for you to watch.
It must be depressing to witness and you
have so much yourself with the AF. Thank goodness you now have your cream - you shouldn't have had to wait - things are ridiculous. Have been 3 times to chemist and one phone call to surgery to get my oramorph. Should have come with lots other items(usually does) but I wasn't allowed it yesterday with my other stuff because it had issue date for today! So not allowed it less than 24 hrs before it was due. Stupid.
Can't speak to sisters ( they text) as they have busy lives. I understand.
Athenia Oh I'm sorry you feel so bad but you're most welcome here. It's difficult talking to family about things, I understand and often difficult talking to our AC. One of the worst things about depression is it robs us of motivation and that makes it much more difficult for us to distract from it. You mention you've been prone to depression all your life. I know I have too, perhaps some people are more prone than others. I have found that ADs have helped me though not taken them every time. They've def helped me this Yr . I'm on Citalopram but there are many others that may suit you. I don't get any ' dopey' feeling with them either. You can write here any time- everyone is understanding on this thread. You ask how we keep going. There have been times over the last few yrs I really didn't want to . It's hard to get MH care but eventually I did but there's no doubt that this forum has been a Godsend to me.
Take care of yourself.
EllieAnne How are you?
Nadateturbe Hoping you're OK.
Doodle I'm glad you are home though it must have been difficult to come home after all the upheaval and be alone. Scaredycat says things so well. If there's anything we can say to help let us know. You help others so much here, we are all thankful for the many posts to us all. Sending love.x

Athenia Welcome. I think a lot of us with depression have felt like that - I certainly have. I'm on Mirtazapine, 45mg, and have taken it for about 6yrs. I gained weight but that was better than feeling like I did. Other antidepressants might work better for you. I'd be inclined to go to the GP and say how you feel (write it down and hand his the note, perhaps).

ScaredyCat How wonderful to see your niece and her baby for his 1st birthday. Did he travel ok all that way? Have a great time.

It's been muggy and grey all day (perhaps it'll rain). Roast dinner and cheesecake at the day centre place, then a vocal group sang to us - they were VERY old fashioned and pretty awful, but some people seemed to enjoy it . Hope ALL BDers have been ok today x

Hi all.
Candy- had a lovely day thank you- I,m beyond tired now but you’re right making memories is so special. We had the picnic- it rained but we didn’t let it spoil anything.
Wyllow- your sister sounds a bit of a Dr Doolittle. Alpacas are so cute. Do you manage a chat with her now and again?
Hope,your worker is back next week so you can get out in the air. Wish I lived near you so we could go out for a walk together.
Doodle- I think you made a sensible decision to wait and see. You can take this time to get a bit stronger physically . But now it’s time to rest after months of trauma and sadness. Sit in the sun and watch the goings on by the river - your DH will be there beside you . You have so many happy memories of that lovely man. Let people be kind to you too- even though you don’t always feel like it . You are loved by many. Please ask if there is anything we can do to help.
Whiff - as always helpful sound advice. I go on the BHF website and it’s good to know you’re not alone. Also Health Unlocked is good for reading other people’s experiences like your own.
HVDY- glad you’re pleased with your hair-if I had 3 inches cut off mine I,d nearly have no hair😀 Yes pleased to get the cream it was a marvellous pharmacy.
So nice for your SiL to have a proper chat - doesn’t matter about the content but just for her to communicate must have been very touching. My friend has just been diagnosed with early stage dementia - a hard road for her as she lost he4 DH 3 years ago. Glad to hear your pain has been a bit less but is obviously affecting your life in all respects.
SweetPeaSue- please don’t beat yourself up about your posts .Your worries are overwhelming and this is the place you can share your feelings without restriction. You certainly don’t sound like an idiot just someone who is ,as Wyllow says, human and full of worries. I,m glad you can see your Psychologist soon - he sounds kind.
Can you speak to your sisters about your concerns?
Take care of yourselfx
Nadateturbe- how are you?
Athenia- welcome. You have come to the right place to be able to say whatever you need or want to without fear of judgement. All of us here have had many varied life experiences but have a common bond of mental health problems in one way or another.
Is it possible for you to see your GP and get a different AD.
There will be one I,m sure that could give you the help you need.
You have your children,sisters and friends who all love you and must be worried to see you so sad. Many of us have taken or still take medication and the right one can give you back your life. I hope,being able to post here will start to help you.

Well this weekend we have another family event - welcoming our neice,s new baby over from Australia for his first Birthday. So it’s back in the car again and another long journey.😩 I hope you all have the best weekend you can and love to all .

I wake at five and have hours to convince myself that I have nothing to live for.
I find it hard to motivate myself to do daily tasks like cooking and cleaning.
My daughter and son are busy with their own lives, and I don't want to impose on them.
I was on Mirtazapine, but stopped it after gaining weight and not feeling any better.
I am 75, and realise that I have to help myself but am so low that it feels impossible. I don't want to share these awful negative thoughts with either of my sisters or friends. I have suffered from depression for many years and am just so tired of it all.
How do you keep going when life is so bleak?

SweetpeaSue I chatted with my SIL about anything and nothing, showed her some videos and photos of ChubbyChops. I hope your husband doesn't get doing too much today.

Wyllow I remember seeing something on tv about wool being made from alpaca fleeces. Your sister sounds really resourceful. I suppose the animals need to be sheared every so often, like sheep. That feeling of not wanting to bother is quite common, I think. Could you email anyone about getting help, if you don't feel able to ring?

Whiff That's a funny story about the popcorn .

It's a cooler morning (suits me). Son2 and family are away for the weekend, so DH and I will be feeding the cats later. Son1 and GF away for the w/e tomorrow, so we'll have D1 here with us. Busy weekend. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day today x

Doodle now just take time to look after yourself and grieve for your darling husband. But if you feel your health getting worse see your GP or call the hospital.

Hopefully with not having to stress about an operation you can relax and hopefully the fluid will continue to reduce. Last few years it's been one thing on top of another and you have had time to rest. I know how difficult it is to cope with not only your health but that of others plus the bone crushing grief of losing half of yourself. You need some me time and when the grief overwhelms you don't fight it have a good cry or rant or whatever you need and it will make you feel better . The love and life you shared with your darling man will get you through each day. It's hard I know but it's still early days for you. But you can do it and laugh at some of the things your husband did. It's not disrespectful it's remembering happy time . My husband was a klutz but he was my klutz .

Hopefully this will make people smile. Many years ago the film Twister came out and when we went to Scotland for a holiday always went to the cinema during the daytime. There is a scene where a cow goes flying pass and then another one. One of the characters said no it's the same cow my husband laughed so much the popcorn he was holding went up into the air it wasn't until we came out we found popcorn stuck to our clothes. Can't watch that film with out laughing .

Take care everyone.

Doodle I meant the best medical outcome not income!

Glad to read your news, Doodle, it sounds like the best medical income - but a lot to suddenly take in x

Sounds like useful resources there, Whiff.

HVDY my sis has enough fields for alpacas and spins and weaves the wool, they live outdoors except in cold weather. It sounds like you are really really great with SiL and that pain was a litle less.

I'm glad that session is there in 2 weeks Sweetpeasue
No you are not an idiot just very human! You’re right there is no real clear news to tell sons.

Did nothing again. At this time I think, “I must go out tomorrow” then when I wake its “whats the point koko. oh no another day... I’ve not got the support I need and not good at pushing they are so busy, this week I see nobody.

Doodle You certainly have got enough to cope with at the moment. I'm so glad you have some sort of a reprieve until you know how things will be regarding the fluid on lungs. Hope you rest well tonight after such an anxious time. Much ❤️
HVDY Your SIL will be so pleased to know someone who can communicate properly with her, I'm sure. You both share memories in care work that the nurses can't have. So good of your DH to wait so long for you while you were in hospital. Glad your pain not been so bad today. Long may it last.

SweetpeaSue Your husband has had a few health issues, then. My husband has had years of supporting me, and still is. Because I'm not driving, he drove me to the care home so I could see my SIL (he sat outside for 90mins, he's not good with dementia, he wouldn't know how to behave). She was quite happy, chatted a lot (some didn't make sense), which was nice. My pain hasn't been at all bad, thanks, but then I haven't done much at all.

Doodle I think you're sensible to wait and see. Hope you rest ok tonight.

Hope ALL other BDers have been ok today x

Dear all thank you for your lovely messages. I’m too tired to write much tonight but just to let you know I went into hospital yesterday and this morning they decided to do a chest X-ray. The results showed the fluid in the lung had decreased and they suggested that rather than go through a painful and distressing procedure now, I could wait 2 more months to see if the fluid went away or got worse. If worse they could do the procedure then. Apparently it would be of no benefit to me either way it would only be for diagnostic purposes to see where the fluid had come from. I decided I’d got enough to cope with at the moment without nerve damage and possible worsening of the problem so I chose to go home and wait 2 months,

I’m now back totally exhausted from just the stress. Catch up tomorrow. Much love xx

With you Doodle. 🙏

HVDY Thanks , I believe you're right. I just thought the GP we saw last week might have understood and given appropriate medication for BP but realise now they don't understand bilateral BPs , which is a shame really. When we saw her last week she didn't bother even taking it.
Retirement isn't always plain sailing - you've had your fair share of problems with your own DH and yourself. DH has had 2 new hips and 4 hand ops - then had to put up with me! Ha.
To answer your other question , DH isn't on any med for blood thinning apart from daily aspirin that I've decided upon.
Hope your day is going ok(no ironing)
and your pain isn't too bad.

Thinking of Doodle

SweetpeaSue Your GP surgery won't be able to help - GPs are exactly that, General Practitioners, so unless your DH is fortunate enough to get one whose specialist field is cardiology or something like that, it's a waste of time contacting them, I think. Your husband is probably correct in thinking of waiting until the Rheumatologist gets the results. I know how very concerned you are, and you certainly don't sound like an idiot. Just keep an eye on your husband, don't let him do too much, and try to get him to relax a bit (you, too). These things are sent to try us. (I thought retirement was meant to be our time to relax)

Doodle I'm thinking of you today. Hope all goes well. x

Thankyou so much WhiffHVDY**Wyllow
I was up at 2 during night and thought I shouldn't have posted so reported my posts and asked for them to be removed.

Wyllow You have enough on but thankyou. I can't really bother Psychologist I don't think. Nothing he can do really. He knows about my worries about DH and is seeing me again in a couple of weeks which was good of him as my sessions have finished.
It's a tough week for you without the worker . Sorry you are not managing to connect with others. You certainly reached out to me with your words.
Whiff You always seem to be somewhere when needed. I'm not sure if it's to do with heart though haven't had all results from scans. Just Rheumatologist heard a whooshing sound in the neck artery on the left side , where he gets headache and thought that was connected. Think it's blood supply to brain that's affected. I might ring a BHF nurse thankyou, or take a look at the forum. Thankyou again .
HVDY The news about BP results from surgery yesterday show just what a mess everything is now. Think they have someone who just adds all the numbers up together and find the average. They won't know how to deal with DHs problem- bilateral BP- even though his readings were given for both arms.
You're right he's going to have to get in touch with Rheumatologist sec , which I've been asking him to do-- he says he'll do it next week as then they should have biopsy results. Sigh!
I was doing ironing yesterday - fun isn't it.

Thankyou for being there. I'm going to have to be strong. DH seems a bit brighter this morning. As I said I regretted posting about it so reported own posts. I hope I don't sound a complete idiot. I can't speak to sons about it they've there own life and nothing they can do.

Doodle We are all with you today in heart and thinking of you. Lots of love and hugs. X

ScaredyCat Glad you got the cream, at long last. Hope it helps.

Wyllow3 How frustrating that the dosage of your meds hasn't been sorted out. Your sister certainly has a lot of pets (are Alpacas pets??). That's a lot of work, looking after them all. My friend down the road has got chickens in an ordinary garden of a semi on an estate. They often get out and stroll up the street.

Whiff Helpful advice, as usual.

SweetpeaSue I know you're very worried about your husband (I would be the same), and the BP readings or what they should be in each arm aren't normal. Is he on any anti-platelet medication such as Clopidogrel? (I've been on that since my stroke) IF your husband shows ANY signs of a TIA or stroke, ring 999. I'd think your best bet would be to ring the Rheumatologist about your concerns.

Candy6 I never do all the ironing (got to save some for another thrilling day haha). My hair looks and feels better, thanks. I had 3ins off. Enjoy your last day away.

Sweetpeasue this is the place to unload all your worries never apologise for that. Have you looked at the BHF forum for people with heart problems. Ask anything you like and people will answer. I am on there but under a different name. People who have the same worries about there husband or partner post and people give advice and some may have the same problems. Please have a look and join . Also you can ring and speak to a BHF nurse and explain everything. Have all your husband's BP readings to had and so you don't forget a list of all his symptoms and any medication he is on. They will help you .
Sorry out early this morning but thought I had to try and help you.

It’s probably too late for you to read Doodle but with you tomorrow in spirit.

Whiff - as thoughtful as ever!

Scaredycat glad you got your cream at long last! Yes it’s right to-do. Phew a busy time.

HVDY glad you’re getting a haircut! Got the meds but not sorted the confusion about the dose yet.

Don’t worry about posting it all out here, Sweetpeasue . I don't know enough about the physical side to advise but hope you’ll reach out to your psychologist - not because you are imagining it, but for support.

Wave Candy I think you'd like my sis she has dogs, cats, chickens and 7 Alpaca!

Just managing to koko I just wish I could connect to the people who are around but stay in and yes worried about support levels.