How to help husband

One good piece of advice is to Connect not Correct. And, if a memory has gone, it has gone to there is little point chasing it.

You could ask the GP to call your husband in for a 'routine checkup' and hope that he can talk your husband into going for a diagnosis.

As said above, AgeUk, Dementia UK and the Alzheimer's Society are good places to look for guidance.

And, please, don't assume your husband will become violent. Not every person living with dementia does.

When my limb jerks started and my constant pain got worse I lost some memories of our courting days . I was 29. My husband used to have to tell when and where we had been. I lost those memories for good. We should have written on the back of photos as after he died aged 47 I have no idea where or when they where taken.

When my mom started to lose her memory she said don't let me go do alley tap meaning mad. She said tell me if I forget. Which I did. She lived with me last 18 months of her life because the dementia made her forget things more often she also had breast cancer which had been treated.

My mom died 4 months before her body did. She didn't who she was ,where or I was she thought I was her mom. She loved photos and flowers so I had them in her room. The day she asked me who the man was I knew my mom had gone . It was there wedding photo and she didn't remember my dad.

When she became violent the last 4 months it was out of fear she didn't know who she was,where or who I was she thought I was her mom . I got attacked multiple times a day but I couldn't put my mom in a home . Dementia destroys the person you love . Those last 4 months it wasn't safe to take mom out before that I took her out in her wheelchair and we had fun. She only attacked me and some of the things she did where awful but it wasn't my mom . She spent lot of the time asleep but never knew how she would be when she woke. I had a long bed bar which I padded with pillows so she would fall out of bed or hurt herself. One day she smiled at me and moved the pillows and deliberately hit her head on the bar and told me I would go to jail for doing it. She immediately forgot she did it and after putting the pillows back and bathing her wound and dealing with it . I phoned the GP to tell them what she had done. Things got worse dementia killed my mom . She spat her tablets out so our GP said don't give them to her as they where helping her anymore.

Dementia killed my loving mom and took everything away from her apart from she always knew when she needed the commode and never wet or soiled herself. She insisted on wearing a pad but it was only like a thick tena lady when she had to stay in her room it wasn't safe for her down stairs . Also one time half way up she stopped and sat down saying she had broken her leg and refused to move . I had to phone my nephew as he was the closest and he would have been able to carry her up. When he came she said hello and he said come on nan let's get you to bed she got up and walked up the stairs.

This is my personal experience of memory loss and dementia. Sad to say once a person gets dementia or Alzheimer's you loose them long before their bodies die. I choose to look after my mom myself as I knew even though I was born disabled I could look after her better than anyone else. I am proud of the fact my mom never had a sore on her body as I made sure I looked after her skin and moved her in bed plus having a pressure mattress and blow up booties to protect her heels and lower legs.

Ijustwantpeace I can't tell you it will get better because it won't dementia kills the person we love and leaves in place a stranger . My mom never hit me and the first time she did it broke something inside me and my mom only ever said bloody but the language she came out with I didn't know she knew the words . If my mom had said to me before she wasn't my mom if I forget you or hurt you I don't want to live I would have overdosed her not for me but her. If she had realised she was physically hurting me she would have thrown herself down the stairs. She did threaten that before she forgot me and I said if she did I wouldn't pick her up she said ok I won't.

This is my own experience but everyone I know who had a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's they became violent. But it's out of fear they don't do it because of hate.

You are in for a harder time ahead if you have children or close family you are going to have some hard decisions to make about your husband's care as he gets worse. It will boil down whether you can look after him at home or put him in a home that specialises in dementia and Alzheimer's patients. You have to think about your safety and your own health.

Like I said this is my own experience of looking after my mom on my own . But only you know how much you can take and could you cope if the dementia makes your human violent. My mom was only 4'8" due to osteoporosis and weighed 6st when she became violent I carry the scars on my body what she did to me. I used to wrap her in the duvet as quickly as I could until she settled down . Mom was 90 when she died in 2017.

My husband died in 2004 from cancer then I had both parents and mother in law to look after . It's only after my mom died I realised how much it had effected my own health but I would do it all again . I couldn't not look after them even though I hated my mother in law for 40 years. And after my husband's death she denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings but went to her nephew's. She hadn't got any form of dementia she was just a horrible person. But she was family . And I was brought up you don't turn your back on family .

Luckily only mom got dementia.

Like I said this was my choice to look after my mom myself. But you need to think about what's best for your husband and your safety as things are only going to get worse. You can ask for help from Alzheimer's and dementia society . And find out what help you can get from your GP plus what equipment you will need and any funding you can get now and if your husband has to go in a home.

Some people will say I am wrong but this was part of my life and my experience of looking after my mom with dementia.

For what it's worth my Dad had been getting increasingly frustrated and cross because of his memory problems.
He said once, "I just want to know what's going on inside my head."
However once he'd got a diagnosis, vascular dementia in his case, he calmed right down. It's almost as if it's not his problem any more, because he knows now he can't help it.

One thing he finds helpful is a big A3 month to a page wall calendar.
I write his outings, appointments, timings, instructions, reminders, whatever on it so he can consult it to see what he's doing when.
We cross through each day as it ends to keep him on track with what day it is.
If you do need to correct him try to do it in a calm reassuring way rather than a negative way.
Be prepared to have the same conversation many times while he processes the information. Try and keep your tone of voice even, not irritated.

One piece of advice we were given was to get Dad out every day, don't just sit at home.
He likes going to the cinema and out for lunch or coffee. He loves people watching!

Do you have friends or family who can help support you? Don't become isolated and don't be embarrassed by his problems.
Best wishes to you both x

Age UK may have helpful information for relatives of people with this sort of problem.
And you could discuss it with the GP yourself, even if your husband won't go.
The GP can't give you info about your husband's health but may be able to help you to understand and cope.

The recieved wisdom is for you to "enter into their world view" and stop contradicting or reminding them.

My neighbour has dementia and I hear her screaming at her adult children sometimes. It it is over silly things like how to mow the lawn or pin washing on the line. Rather than arguing about it they should just let her go ahead and do it "her" way. Then complete the job properly when her back was turned. She would probably not have noticed that the work had been gone over.

It probably frustrates and upsets both of you to try and jog his memory constantly.
It might be easier to just go along with him, if you can.

You could try to find ways to help him, such as taking photos if you go anywhere, so you can show him, but for people with diagnosed dementia it's recommended that you go into their version of events, rather than telling them time and again.

I don't envy you, and I wonder how long this can carry on.