How to help husband

It probably frustrates and upsets both of you to try and jog his memory constantly.
It might be easier to just go along with him, if you can.

You could try to find ways to help him, such as taking photos if you go anywhere, so you can show him, but for people with diagnosed dementia it's recommended that you go into their version of events, rather than telling them time and again.

I don't envy you, and I wonder how long this can carry on.

The recieved wisdom is for you to "enter into their world view" and stop contradicting or reminding them.

My neighbour has dementia and I hear her screaming at her adult children sometimes. It it is over silly things like how to mow the lawn or pin washing on the line. Rather than arguing about it they should just let her go ahead and do it "her" way. Then complete the job properly when her back was turned. She would probably not have noticed that the work had been gone over.

Age UK may have helpful information for relatives of people with this sort of problem.
And you could discuss it with the GP yourself, even if your husband won't go.
The GP can't give you info about your husband's health but may be able to help you to understand and cope.

For what it's worth my Dad had been getting increasingly frustrated and cross because of his memory problems.
He said once, "I just want to know what's going on inside my head."
However once he'd got a diagnosis, vascular dementia in his case, he calmed right down. It's almost as if it's not his problem any more, because he knows now he can't help it.

One thing he finds helpful is a big A3 month to a page wall calendar.
I write his outings, appointments, timings, instructions, reminders, whatever on it so he can consult it to see what he's doing when.
We cross through each day as it ends to keep him on track with what day it is.
If you do need to correct him try to do it in a calm reassuring way rather than a negative way.
Be prepared to have the same conversation many times while he processes the information. Try and keep your tone of voice even, not irritated.

One piece of advice we were given was to get Dad out every day, don't just sit at home.
He likes going to the cinema and out for lunch or coffee. He loves people watching!

Do you have friends or family who can help support you? Don't become isolated and don't be embarrassed by his problems.
Best wishes to you both x

When my limb jerks started and my constant pain got worse I lost some memories of our courting days . I was 29. My husband used to have to tell when and where we had been. I lost those memories for good. We should have written on the back of photos as after he died aged 47 I have no idea where or when they where taken.

When my mom started to lose her memory she said don't let me go do alley tap meaning mad. She said tell me if I forget. Which I did. She lived with me last 18 months of her life because the dementia made her forget things more often she also had breast cancer which had been treated.

My mom died 4 months before her body did. She didn't who she was ,where or I was she thought I was her mom. She loved photos and flowers so I had them in her room. The day she asked me who the man was I knew my mom had gone . It was there wedding photo and she didn't remember my dad.

When she became violent the last 4 months it was out of fear she didn't know who she was,where or who I was she thought I was her mom . I got attacked multiple times a day but I couldn't put my mom in a home . Dementia destroys the person you love . Those last 4 months it wasn't safe to take mom out before that I took her out in her wheelchair and we had fun. She only attacked me and some of the things she did where awful but it wasn't my mom . She spent lot of the time asleep but never knew how she would be when she woke. I had a long bed bar which I padded with pillows so she would fall out of bed or hurt herself. One day she smiled at me and moved the pillows and deliberately hit her head on the bar and told me I would go to jail for doing it. She immediately forgot she did it and after putting the pillows back and bathing her wound and dealing with it . I phoned the GP to tell them what she had done. Things got worse dementia killed my mom . She spat her tablets out so our GP said don't give them to her as they where helping her anymore.

Dementia killed my loving mom and took everything away from her apart from she always knew when she needed the commode and never wet or soiled herself. She insisted on wearing a pad but it was only like a thick tena lady when she had to stay in her room it wasn't safe for her down stairs . Also one time half way up she stopped and sat down saying she had broken her leg and refused to move . I had to phone my nephew as he was the closest and he would have been able to carry her up. When he came she said hello and he said come on nan let's get you to bed she got up and walked up the stairs.

This is my personal experience of memory loss and dementia. Sad to say once a person gets dementia or Alzheimer's you loose them long before their bodies die. I choose to look after my mom myself as I knew even though I was born disabled I could look after her better than anyone else. I am proud of the fact my mom never had a sore on her body as I made sure I looked after her skin and moved her in bed plus having a pressure mattress and blow up booties to protect her heels and lower legs.

Ijustwantpeace I can't tell you it will get better because it won't dementia kills the person we love and leaves in place a stranger . My mom never hit me and the first time she did it broke something inside me and my mom only ever said bloody but the language she came out with I didn't know she knew the words . If my mom had said to me before she wasn't my mom if I forget you or hurt you I don't want to live I would have overdosed her not for me but her. If she had realised she was physically hurting me she would have thrown herself down the stairs. She did threaten that before she forgot me and I said if she did I wouldn't pick her up she said ok I won't.

This is my own experience but everyone I know who had a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's they became violent. But it's out of fear they don't do it because of hate.

You are in for a harder time ahead if you have children or close family you are going to have some hard decisions to make about your husband's care as he gets worse. It will boil down whether you can look after him at home or put him in a home that specialises in dementia and Alzheimer's patients. You have to think about your safety and your own health.

Like I said this is my own experience of looking after my mom on my own . But only you know how much you can take and could you cope if the dementia makes your human violent. My mom was only 4'8" due to osteoporosis and weighed 6st when she became violent I carry the scars on my body what she did to me. I used to wrap her in the duvet as quickly as I could until she settled down . Mom was 90 when she died in 2017.

My husband died in 2004 from cancer then I had both parents and mother in law to look after . It's only after my mom died I realised how much it had effected my own health but I would do it all again . I couldn't not look after them even though I hated my mother in law for 40 years. And after my husband's death she denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings but went to her nephew's. She hadn't got any form of dementia she was just a horrible person. But she was family . And I was brought up you don't turn your back on family .

Luckily only mom got dementia.

Like I said this was my choice to look after my mom myself. But you need to think about what's best for your husband and your safety as things are only going to get worse. You can ask for help from Alzheimer's and dementia society . And find out what help you can get from your GP plus what equipment you will need and any funding you can get now and if your husband has to go in a home.

Some people will say I am wrong but this was part of my life and my experience of looking after my mom with dementia.

One good piece of advice is to Connect not Correct. And, if a memory has gone, it has gone to there is little point chasing it.

You could ask the GP to call your husband in for a 'routine checkup' and hope that he can talk your husband into going for a diagnosis.

As said above, AgeUk, Dementia UK and the Alzheimer's Society are good places to look for guidance.

And, please, don't assume your husband will become violent. Not every person living with dementia does.

There is loads of help out there - you just Nedd help to find it.

Some good advice from both kittylester and V3ra. Do speak to your GP who will be able to advise on support mechanisms.

My late father was diagnosed with dementia and he would he very frustrated and angry with himself and often others.

A calendar as a reminder of appointments and to record events is a great idea as is taking lots of photos - easy with a smartphone - for reference too and I do wish I had thought of that with my Dad.

Be patient with you husband but be mindful that if he has an infection his memory loss will be temporarily exacerbated.

Not sure who Nedd is. I obviously meant need!

There are various charities that offer help and support, for you and your husband. This is a link to Alzheimer's UK about talking to someone who won't see a doctor and support you can get. Please contact them as it will help you feel less alone and helpless.
www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/worried-about-memory-problems/talking-someone-about-memory-problems

Everyone's experience of dementia is different and whilst there are horror stories there is a lot more, understanding, support (and medication) nowadays to help.
So sorry you are going through this, there should be local help too, please seek it out, support for you will be invaluable.

There seem to be several charities and day centres where I live offering groups and activities for people with dementia. I hope you have some locally that he may enjoy, and that would give you some respite.. I expect that your local library, Nextdoor or Age Concern would know

Whiff your struggles with your own disabilties plus caring for your DH and mother, make me feel very humble and uncomfortable about how irritated I sometimes get with DH, whose problems are minor and not mind related.

Ijustwantpeace whatever the cause of your DH's dementia/incipient dementia, contact the Alzheimer's Society. They have knowledgeable people you can talk to on the phone and lots of help and advice.

Here are links also to the 2 AgeUK Factsheets on dementia www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/information-guides/ageukig55_at_home_with_dementia.inf.pdf

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/information-guides/ageukig55_at_home_with_dementia.inf.pdf

Contact your local AgeUk as they often run coffee mornings and social gatherings for those with dementia - and their carers.

Both the Alzheimers Society and AgeUK will be familiar with the problems you face. They are not uncommon.

My mum had vascular dementia it’s a roller coaster of a disease and it left my mum with three distinct moods. She would one day be her gentle self but tearful about her surroundings a care home. She had days sitting watching tv or singing along to music. The worst mood was nasty and quite violent she would often strike out at carers and me that was the most upsetting.

My advice get all the help you can for your dh in your local area there will be day centres he could attend. He will need occupation and something to keep his mind active. You will also need support watching a loved one’s health decline with dementia can be soul destroying. I hope you get the support you need your dh will benefit and you will too.

I understand your situation , my DH was diognosed in March . He refuses to use the word 'Alzheimers ' but is taking medication. Understandably he does not want anyone to know and that includes our AC. Dementia is so much more than memory loss, it is lack of judgement, poor decision making, change in personality, refusing some foods that have previously been enjoyed, not recognizing some people ( at times,) in addition to that the usual losing things , forgetting appointments..... and so it goes on. My DH lives in the moment, does' nt think of consequences and seems perfectly happy!! The Alzheimer's Society are there for you regardless of whether your DH will engage with them . We are in the early stages as and it is already difficult!
Do seek help and if possible continue your interests, keep in contact with your friends and don't feel guilty about taking yourself off for a walk or a shopping trip - treat yourself to a lovely lunch too. I try hard not to be impatient with him , I am not cross with my DH just sad and anxious about what the future will hold. When my Mum had dementia it was hard but I had my DH beside me, when she died I was devastated but my life picked up and went on as before .A DH with dementia is a different kettle if fish altogether, when the dementia progresses my life will never be the same again - I will be alone. For now we are managing and I take one day at a time, I hope you do too. Speak to your GP tell him / her your fears.
Have you a LPA ? If not I strongly advise you get one , I pressed for this prior to diognosis but when I knew things were changing! It is vital that if your DH gets worse you can step in and make decisions regarding his health/welfare. Thinking of you 💐

Yes, getting power of attorney is essential because as the illness progresses the ability to make the decisions is crucial - on health and on finances especially. As DH became less and less himself I was able to put in place things like a stairlift, bath lift, ejector seat arm chair, etc which he would never have sanctioned and which helped keep him safe from falls. I bought in a carer one afternoon a week once the worst of covid was over so that I could at least get to the supermarket. Your own life gradually contracts, almost without you noticing, until there is nothing but caring left in it so start planning how you will deal with that. It’s so hard and I truly feel for you.

Shelflife and GrannySomerset.. what wonderful, sensible, compassionate women you are.. I am really touched by your posts..

M0nica

Whiff your struggles with your own disabilties plus caring for your DH and mother, make me feel very humble and uncomfortable about how irritated I sometimes get with DH, whose problems are minor and not mind related.

Whiff I can relate to so much of your post, and agree with MOnica. The Bodach had only the beginnings of dementia when he died of cancer, but I could see the agression taking hold, but only towards me.
There is a lot of good advice from others, especially the ‘ connect not correct’ so please take care of yourself.

I can completely relate to Whiff's experiences. It is a horrific disease and you could easily be in physical danger at any random time. Reactions and behaviors are unpredictable. If there is no MRI brain scan then you won't know if it is Alzheimers, Dementia or Brain Cancer. Without knowing the disease, his GP cannot prescribe the proper medications to treat his illness. With my dad, in the early stages, when he was still coherent, I got a leaflet explaining everything about Dementia, told him that he had been diagnosed with this and that I would be there to help him with anything always. He was sad but reading the leaflet booklet helped him understand. It is very serious and not something your DH should ignore. My DH is due for that same test, too.

I can’t better the advice given, my Mum was never violent, it’s not a given. Look after yourself too.

It will become frustrating for both of you if you correct him or argue over a memory, as others have said the memory of somethings has gone.

Do not start a conversation with ‘ do you remember…” it will send him into a panic, instead start it with “I remember when..”

There are many useful tips on dementia sites.

So sorry that this has happened to you both.

One more bit of advice for you 26Ijustwantpeace2020, try not to plan duties or stimulating activities in the late afternoons or evenings. You might find that your DH's thinking is very clear every morning but gets a bit foggy as the day draws on. This is called "sundowning". Afternoon plans should be kept to lazy, calm and happy. I just agree to everything my DH says and the next minute, he forgets he asked. It's a lonely road. <hug>

I have lived through what you may be experiencing and it is very hard but you will get through it, there was no other way in my mind.
Mt H stared showing signs around the age of 70.
A few short years and it was full blown Alzheimer’s.
We never used that word, to him he just had a very bad memory.
I dealt with it almost single handed.
I took him to day centres but he wouldn’t go again after the first time .
He then had a major stroke which considerably worsened his dementia and his mobility and I was permanently in with him.
I had given up driving so we were stuck.
He never got violent but was very stubborn and rather demanding, things had to be done the minute he wanted them doing.
He eventually was moved downstairs and the dining room became his bedroom and his living room to some extent.
I got respite care a few times as by then he wasn’t able to complain or really aware of his surroundings.
His mobility deteriorated and I had carers in to get him up, shower and dress him until I could no longer manage on my own.
He was then 82 and I 81 and exhausted.
It was with a very heavy heart that I got him into residential care.
Less than a month later he was diagnosed with cancer and died within 3 months.
I will never regret having him with me for as long as I did or making the best decision for myself when I could no longer cope.
We had been married for over 60 years.
It is not all doom and gloom we had happy times and our sense of humour, always present in our relationship, got us through.
I send my very best wishes to you both and hope that you will see a good few years yet.

Just seen the post mentioning sundowning.
That is very hard to understand at first.
In the winter months as soon as we needed lights on in the house my H would expect curtains drawn and he would want to go to bed.
This could be as early as 5/5:30.
I had to go with the flow and get him in bed.
It became part and parcel of our life.
Expect anything can happen and you will be ready for it.