Black Dog 23

Wyllow If you can find a Costa with well spaced seating arrangements I think you could find a corner to feel comfortable-then you could watch without being watched if you see what I mean.
Thanks for reminding me of the diazapam- it's not on repeat but I believe I still have some left. Not sleeping properly. I can understand you needing to go to bed late if that helps.
Doodle Aw a feeling of oblivion to blot out troubles. Can understand how very much you need that at terrible , lonely sad times Doodle. Glad you had a nice meal and so hope you have a peaceful sleep .Wishing you a loving time with your son tomorrow. Much ❤️.
HVDY Hoping you've had a good family time at the fireworks display. I too haven't heard of silent fireworks.
Scaredycat I had to look up Gypsy Tart too. You do say kind things, thankyou. Oh I can assure you Fluffball would be all over you- she can't get enough cuddles, it's extraordinary. Your family seems to get bigger and bigger - your calendar must be so full.

Took aunt out today. Her memory gets worse which is sad. I've been a little better today - sewn up some knitted figures. I hate the sewing up and prefer the knitting. I'm not good with the faces at all. So dark and dismal today - can we all have some sunshine please?

Wishing all a peaceful night and love to all and those reading.

Evening all. Had a mixed day today. Been out with friends all afternoon but very tearful this morning. Settled in for the night now, church and sons tomorrow.
I wish I could drink myself into oblivion but I expect I’d just make myself sick so better stick to my one glass of wine. just had a nice dinner. Chinese Chicken from Waitrose,
HVDY how nice to have compliments about your hair from your brother. What is a silent firework party?
Glad you had a nice sleep last night.
Wyllow I don’t like crowds either. I find i can’t hear what people are saying if it’s too noisy. Hope you’ve had a reasonable day today,
Scaredycat glad you had a nice time out. What is gypsy tart? Not heard of that.
Yes there are several good artists in my art class, just a shame I’m not one of them🤣
sweetpeasue I have tried hard to make friends and have been lucky with those I’ve met up with. Hope you’ve had a good day. I am so tired now I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Hi all.
SweetPeaSue- It’s the human frailties that make you such an empathetic and kind person. I think you make a big effort so you and DH can carry on and enjoy life when you are able.
What a shame DH has a painful knee too - he does soldier on doesn’t he. It must be difficult for you to judge your pain killer intake as it sounds quite unpredictable.
Fluffball is gorgeous - what a sweet face. She is certainly one I would want to say hello to on the High St.
Doodle- we had a really nice evening thank you. My SS and DiL live about 35 mins away so we try and get together when we can. Dils DS was widowed this year and so is often included- we like her very much. She has no children so is very alone.
I bet your leaf was really pretty. You’re right they are not easy but the shapes and colours are your interpretation. Are there some good artists in your group?
Ah what you say about friends is so true they can’t replace your lovely DH. But they know you and love you and are helping you to heal with their hands of friendship.
HVDY- it sounded like a pleasant visit with your brother. I thought it was so nice that he liked your hair- it was his way of showing you affection . Three hours of chatting was a breakthrough too wasn’t it. You both must have felt pleased that SiL was having a good day and feeling happy,in her own way.
Dinner was good- Gypsy Tart for pud. Glad Jaffa is improving every day. Enjoy the Fireworks tonight.
Wyllow- a Costa sounds good for the nasty weather days. They do lovely cinnamon buns but I don’t think you like sweet things do you. It would be wonderful if you are able to go somewhere whatever the weather.
Do you have a bit of a chat with the cleaner? It must be nice when she’s been and you feel more organised.
Do hope that soon the better days will outnumber those”what’s it all about” days . Think of you very often .
Hope too DGD continues to recover well and that she will feel the benefit from her Op as she does.

Hoping all BDs ,readers and those who post occasionally are having the best weekend they can. Take care all

SweetpeaSue My brother was kind to compliment me, although he's very quick to comment on things that aren't flattering, too. Yes, it was good to talk.

Wyllow3 I don't like crowds, either. As for you repeating yourself there - I often do that in real life .

Went to bed late (for me) at 11.30, didn't wake until 6 (for a wee) then went back to sleep until 8. Not doing a lot today but meeting Son2 and family for a silent fireworks event this evening. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Oh dear, I repeated myself above, HVDY above, sorry, I write it out before posting and got my cut and pastes muddled up.

I think that a cafe (a large Costa outlet) is the wet weather option, HVDY, I dont like crowds. Impressed your brother noticed your hair! I’m just so glad that SiL can be in good spirits. Then 3 hours chatting with brother - that’s quite something. Good Jaffa news.

We all seem to do the replays…I hope you really enjoyed Stepson and DiL/DS for your late birthday treat Scaredycat
Perhaps the pansies need some sun - it seems non existent at the moment.

Phase don’t worry what you say here, Sweetpeasue. Fluffball must hep with “people contact” in a sort of low -demanding way. I’m really sorry that DH’s knee is swollen, I know he likes to try and achieve things. It must be very difficult to get the pain meds right. Dont forget you are allowed that little diazepam break just now and then tho

Glad its been a nice day doodle. Nothing can fill that DH space tho, can it? X I’m sure your autumn lab was just fine.

Cleaner came today, than goodness for her as she does bits of tidying too.
Very stuck in whats the point of it all but worse some days than others. Waking up to it - I go to bed very late so’s not to be up too early. GN starts up properly 9 ish.I think that a cafe (a large Costa outlet) is the wet weather option, HVDY, I dont like crowds. Impressed your brother noticed your hair! I’m just so glad that SiL can be in good spirits. Then 3 hours chatting with brother - that’s quite something. Good Jaffa news.

We all seem to do the replays…I hope you really enjoyed Stepson and DiL/DS for your late birthday treat Scaredycat
Perhaps the pansies need some sun - it seems non existent at the moment.

Phase don’t worry what you say here, Sweetpeasue. Fluffball must hep with “people contact” in a sort of low -demanding way. I’m really sorry that DH’s knee is swollen, I know he likes to try and achieve things. It must be very difficult to get the pain meds right. Dont forget you are allowed that little diazepam break just now and then tho

Glad its been a nice day doodle. Nothing can fill that DH space tho, can it? X I’m sure your autumn lab was just fine.

Cleaner came today, than goodness for her as she does bits of tidying too.
Very stuck in whats the point of it all but worse some days than others. Waking up to it - I go to bed very late so’s not to be up too early. GN starts up properly 9 ish.

thinking of our regulars, and not so regulars, or those reading

Night all xx

Doodle Your luck with friends is, I'm sure, partly because you're such a nice person and have also put so much effort in to join things .You truly deserve that return. Just wish you could have your beloved back again , if only for a few precious moments.xx
HVDY How lovely your DB complemented on your hair colour. That must have been a genuine remark for him to say so. That 3 hr chat was precious to you , and I'm sure he must have much appreciated it too, even if he holds back with saying so. So glad Jaffa is doing well- surely because of his owner and the time/effort ( and financial) you've put in. He has a wonderful home.

ScaredyCat Hope you've had a delicious meal (and pudding?). Nice to meet up and eat out.

SweetpeaSue Having pain every day must be very wearing and depressing. What's caused your husband's knee problem? Fluffball looks very cute.

Met my brother at the care home. He complimented me on my hair colour! (natural white, with some light blonde still at the ends). SIL was pleased to see me and was in good spirits. Stayed 90 minutes then went to his house. Chatted for 3 hours. He's lonely but doesn't want to join anything, asked me to stop mentioning that. Jaffa seems to be doing well now. Hope ALL BDers have been ok x

Evening all. Been a nice day today. Coffee with friend, lunch with another then a knit and natter. Coffee with friends tomorrow. All lovely people I am so lucky with friends. ………but just want to be with DH .
No Ellie Anne you’re not self centred just lonely and probably bored. Apart from finding things you can enjoy on your own I’m not sure what to suggest. Wish we could help.
Willow good news about your DGD. Hope she gets on ok. Also good news your psychotherapist won’t stop seeing you. Must be a worrying thought not to have continued support.
HVDY it’s lovely Jaffa is bringing you such fun. Good for you both. Thanks for your kind thoughts. I am doing better I know that but the missing him never stops for a second and if I think about it too much that’s when it becomes overwhelming.
How is your brother doing?*
Scaredycat glad you’re extending your birthday even more. Hope you had a lovely evening.
Yes being among friends in the same circumstances does help. It must have been so much harder for you being younger.
This week I had to paint an autumn leaf with lots of different c shades, sounded so easy till I started. 🤣
Sweetpeasue Fluff ball is so lovely I, not surprised people want to stop and admire him.
Sorry you’ve been in pain again and your DH has yet another health worry. Sometimes it seems never ending. Hope the weekend turns out to be better,
Yes thank you I have things to do this weekend. Going to see DS1 Sunday afternoon.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202411/medium-26364-1000006087.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202411/medium-354941-1000006099.jpg

Just for something more cheery after that here's some photos

Wyllow So pleased to hear about your DGD and that she's now able to go to school. She will want to be with her friends and it's lovely the school has such supportive staff.
I can see it will be more difficult to have the walks throughout winter weather.HVDY's suggestions are good .I hope you can find some strength to take another tiny step but understand not wanting to be pushed.
EllieAnne No it's certainly not self pity , though I could certainly understand if it were so. More like such a strong need to be counted and to feel you matter . I wish I knew what to say for the best.
HVDY Hope if you got to see your brother it didn't go to bad. I know it's difficult for him to communicate and it must be so frustrating to have to be the one making arrangements to meet.
Scaredycat We all seem to be the same about afterthoughts and analysing what we say or don't say. I feel like it here sometimes and hope I've said the right thing. It can be hard by text when you can't hear the way something is meant.
Please don't admire me- I think you'd be let down. Inside I have all human frailties. You are so kind and have such wise words for EllieAnne and Doodle.lovely posts.
Doodle 'in a club no one wants to join' I've heard it said before by other ladies and it's so poignant but I'm glad the other friends you have in that same club can offer you support and you aren't alone- in that sense anyway. I hope today you have had company and this weekend you won't be alone. X

Took Fluffball down the high St and as usual she tries to approach people for affection- which she most often gets. Dogs must be a great way to make friends.
Feeling sorry for myself today and upset about DH. His knee is now swollen and hurts.It never seems to end. Sometimes I want to take enough painkillers to just have the relief and peace but I try to take just sufficient , yet never know what that will be. Sorry, just sick of myself right now. Being grumpy.

Hope everyone is OK. Sending love to all and those not in or reading.

Hi all.
HVDY- I do the replay thing too. Sometimes as you say something from way back will come to haunt you won’t it. It’s lack of confidence and also self doubt I guess.
Hope the visit to the care home goes well- your SiL will be pleased to see you. It’s probably easier for your Brother if you are there too.
This evening we,re off to one of our village pubs with Step Son and DiL and her DS whose DH died earlier this year. She’s a really nice person and good company. It’s my late birthday treat!!
SweetPeaSue- your book sounds interesting - I just googled it. The author sounds interesting too.
My pansies still look a bit bedraggled but hopefully have taken on board my talking to.
Fluffball days sound lovely- he’s like a GC that you can have fun with then hand him back.
I,m sorry the pain won’t leave you alone but I,m full of admiration for your determination to koko.
Doodle- what did you do this week at Art? Do you use watercolours?
So nice to hear about your days . Yes DH is fit . He has always done gym and sports and is younger than me too.
Nobody knows how bereavement will affect them until it happens. There is no right or wrong way but it is a help for you to have friends who know exactly how you feel and to share their thoughts. I was so young to be widowed and didn’t know anyone like me.
EllieAnne- you are not asking much to have your friends round. Can you not just ask them and tell DH that’s what you want and need. You are not self centered you just want what most people take for granted.
Wyllow- wonderful news about your DGD- I,m so glad she has such a lovely environment to be in. She must have been so happy to see her friends. I,m glad you get updates frequently.
Your psychologist will not drop you - she understands how you feel. You are able to explain your difficulties very clearly.
As HVDY says a cafe/library/ shopping centre are places you could try together. It would take much effort but she will help you widen your horizons little by little. I understand£ the don’t push me feeling though.
Love to allxx

SweetpeaSue " I'm always re-playing things in my head afterwards- should I have said this or that and perhaps shouldn't have said something else.".....I have that all the time, sometimes going over things from months back. Your time with Fluffball sounds very nice. Sorry you have all the pain.

EllieAnne Your relationship is non-existent, isn't it? I'm so sorry about your situation. I'm not sure what can be done. We, on here, all care.

Doodle Glad you had a decent day. I don't know what your loss feels like, of course, but I do feel for you.

Wyllow3 I doubt your Psychologist would drop you, but perhaps you could try to go to some places where you might feel comfortable when the weather is bad. A cafe/shop/library, for example? Your GD is doing very well, by the sound of it. Bless her. Her teachers must be pleased.

Went to bed at 10 last night, but still woke at 6, so am just watching Jaffa being silly - running around, attacking the rug. Might visit my brother later, despite him never bothering with me. I'll meet him at the care home. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day. x

Doodle

I expect today was pretty tiring, HVDY. You’re seeing a lot of playgroups! Nice to see all the family and definitely needed that rest.

Ellie Anne I understand that empty space..not good at filling it either, just to say..try not to give up.I also think - I know you deport like anti d’s - if it goes on like this, do re-consider. It’s so sad about you and DH. No you are not self centred.

I say that as when we have MH problems you have, to a certain extent, be self centred, just to get by at times.

(Ah, I see Scaredycat has suggested it too). Not a fun day with the hygienist and you are right the dull days are hard to deal with. You have real courage coping with the AF x and also so kind on here.

Sorry to hear of those constant pains Sweetpeasue, I hope you take pain killers. Glad you had a fluffball day and a little walk. Hugs for koko as we all do.

Doodle so glad to hear of a better day, that some days can be better, tho I know it’s very uneven for you. Again, big thumbs up for your grandson.

Today I had my psychologist early for not very long (short walk) and worried beforehand she will “drop me” as she keeps wanting me to do more as it’s “good for me”. And I know the theory but cant do it. But she said no she won’t drop me but we have to find an alternative to a walk when the weather is very bad. Persuaded her that atm doing the walk getting dressed etc is a Big Thing and a plus dont push me. Mood dropped very badly, a lot of it exhaustion, took extra meds to have an afternoon sleep.

DGD actually went to school today in her wheelchair - amazing how quickly they heal - she cant do much, but its a very lovely special school, high % staff, very loving, she needed her friends

Yes I do care about you all. Realise I’m coming over as self centred.

EllieAnne Be assured that we all here genuinely care about your sad situation and would like to help- just as ,I'm sure, you care about ours too.

Hvdy he is ok with family if he has a subject like sport or problems with his computer
Doodle we have nothing to talk about. I used to but getting little response I stopped . I’m not looking for excitement or a new relationship I just want to feel comfortable in my home and even be able to ask a friend round.

Wyllow I do wish you were able to get out and mix a bit more I’m sure it would help. I do realise that until you feel better in yourself you can’t do that, Sending a big hug for you xx

Evening all. I’ve had a good day today. Been to art this morning then met with two friends for coffee this afternoon. It was really nice. Tears when I came home but all in all a good day.
Ellie Anne it sounds as though you don’t have anything much in common with your DH. When you say you know what it would be like if you went for coffee with him do you mean he wouldn’t talk to you? You sound completely bored with him. Are you looking for a bit more excitement in your life? I’ve never had any experience of a relationship like yours so don’t know what to say but I’m sorry you’re so unhappy.
Scaredycat I know what you mean, our town is lots of closed shops and hardly anything other than cafes. Really gone downhill. Your DH must be quite fit to go to the gym twice a week. I doubt I could even walk up the steps let alone exercise,
That’s a massive vets bill. They charge so much these days.
Other grandma is a very nice lady. We have always got on. It’s nice to be able to meet up. We all live very close to one another.
Sweetpeasue bereavement is a strange thing. It’s a unique experience that many (me included) thought they would be able to cope with in some way. The reality is so unlike anything else that only those who have lost the love of their lives can understand and empathise with. We are in a club that no one wants to join. We can communicate with each other in ways others can’t. I find it a great help being with other widows. No pretence or putting on a brave face. They know and understand.
We were certainly blessed with our DGC. Our grandson is a lovely chap. He’s had a lot to contend with in life but is a deep thinker and very caring of family.
So glad you are getting on better at book club. I expect that lady appreciated your support.
HVDY my elderly friend is certainly to be admired. She copes with things so well even her extremely poor eyesight she doesn’t complain about.
What a busy day you’ve had with Little Girl and how nice to see all the family.

Doodle Sorry, yes DH did like the art book.One included famous painters and paintings and a second was about drawing people which he really liked. He kept saying he didn't want anything , as he says every birthday, but I was so glad he liked them. Had to get them from Amazon as he's nearly always with me so difficult to get surprises.

HVDY Phew! That rest is well earned.Littlegirl is certainly keeping you busy. Lovely to see both your sons so often. Good thing your son got to the GP- that chest infection was unlikely to clear up on ots own. Hope the antibiotics do their magic quickly.
The book's title is Voices in the Evening by Natalia Ginsburg- only just started it actually.
Scaredycat Been cold and dull here too - well done for going out for that walk . Your AF sounds a really challenging thing to have to live with , I hope you manage to sleep with it. It must be a continuous learning process but must get you down at times.
Mixing with others seems OK if I know them but I'm quite an introvert really so it does take energy. I'm always re-playing things in my head afterwards- should I have said this or that and perhaps shouldn't have said something else. Shooting pains, aching and stiffness is there all the time but varies in severity through day. Hope those Pansies have been listening!
EllieAnne It's so sad having that 'empty space inside'. Is it caused by lack of communication with your DH? I so wish it could be rectified. I've written sentences to you and deleted them as I didn't want to ask too much. I just wish I knew the answers. It can't help at all when you are left with everything to do.
You are bound to feel lonely in such an atmosphere. We all care and want to help. Sending a hug.
Wyllow It's good you got out for that walk. How have you been today?
Doodle Hope you've been OK and had company.

Fluffball day today. Went to a nice village ,had a Costa coffee, and a very little riverside walk where the ducks very much amused Fluffball. It was nice though feeling so low this afternoon with the health difficulties- hate taking the meds and DH very tired. Will koko, like we all do. Take care all. Thinking of you all and hoping those not in are all OK.

EllieAnne Is your husband just not very good at conversing? Wondered what he's like with family members. As ScaredyCat says, perhaps the emptiness you feel might be helped with ADs, although I believe you've said before you don't like the idea of taking them.

ScaredyCat LittleGirl was here at 7.30. After breakfast, we went to a playground for 2 hours, then here for lunch, and another group for an hour. She didn't have a sleep. Son1 and his family all came here after school, and he sorted out something on my hard drive. Son2 picked up baby, so we've seen everyone today. Time for a rest now. Glad you've had a more relaxing day.

How has everyone else been? x

Hi all.
EllieAnne- would you be able to go and see your GP? I know you don’t want to take ADs but today you sound like you need some help to lift your mood. You are lonely despite being quite busy with friends and other things yet you don’t really want company- have you a close friend you could open up to? I wish I could say something to help you.
SweetPeaSue- glad the book club meeting was more enjoyable - the book choice must make a huge difference. Good that there is compassion there for each other. Perhaps your pain comes more when you are tired and have used emotional energy as well as physical energy. Do keep mixing with others- I know it’s not always easy but we only have one life so must try to enjoy it while we can- however old we are.
The AF is always continuous it never goes back into proper rythm so I have to live with it and am still learning to as you say manage it.
Wyllow- Oh I,m glad you had a walk- it sounds like your worker is easy to talk to which should help you to open up to her gradually. Exercise will do you good too- you used to go to the Gym didn’t you. I can hear how much you want to be in the company of others- hopefully she will help you to move towards living your life how you want to.
HVDY- Good job your Son went to the GP- he must have felt rough.
Wow you got up early! Little Girl keeps you on your toes doesn’t she. So lovely for you to spend time with her and can watch her beginning her journey through life.
What a great thing it is to watch the younger members of our families becoming adults and making the most of their lives whatever they chose to do.
Doodle- hope your day has been a full one and that you enjoyed your time with other Grandma yesterday.
It was hygienist for me today and a walk with DH beforehand. It’s so cold and dull today so have hibernated this afternoon.
Take care dear friend.
Thinking of all BDs including the new posters over the last weeks- hope today was a kind one

Hvdy he would go out if I asked but what’s the point of sitting in silence getting stressed.when we were out ordering the carpet we passed a costa and he said do you want to go for a cup of tea but I knew what it would be like so I said no I will get one at home.
I go to lots of things and have some good friends but somehow just now I don’t really want to meet with them. The empty space is inside.

Doodle Your elderly friend sounds resilient, to have all those problems but still cheerful. Hope you had a nice to with the other grandma. It's good that you get on.

EllieAnne Your husband sounds even less sociable than mine. Would he go out with you if you asked? (would you want him to though?) I think the best thing you could do is to join a few things, make new friends - not easier as we get older.

ScaredyCat You sound very organised. You know where to go and what to buy. I dislike shopping so much. I'm glad you had a productive day in town.

SweetpeaSue Glad the book club went well. What book is it? It's hard to keep going out and doing things when you don't always feel like doing so. I hope your husband gets an appointment soon. My Son1 finally went to the doctor's yesterday - the cough he's had for weeks is a chest infection so he's got antibiotics now.

Wyllow3 I love the feel of getting into a fresh bed. I'm glad you had a chat and walk with your car worker. Koko.

It's LittleGirl Day. I've been up since 6 so had better get ready soon. Another playgroup this morning, and a shorter one this afternoon. Hope ALL BDers (here as well as ones not posting lately) have a pleasant day x