Black Dog 23

Ellie Anne I still think it’s kind of you to make it. Must take a bit of organising to cater for dietary restrictions.
HvDY you sound so lovely and chatty I find it hard to think of you with social anxiety.
All the grandchildren must love you. It’s nice for them all to be treated the same. Don’t blame you for not going out today although it was brighter here later.
Willow the service was nice. I was ok till we got to singing silent night by candlelight then I looked at my candle and thought my darling mad should be here with me and the tears came. Our son and grandson were with me so got lots of hugs.
We all miss him so much.
Trouble is you can’t will yourself well. If the mind isn’t willing the body can’t do stuff. Getting to the point where you feel like doing things is a target.
Scaredycat never stop posting about the good things that happen. It’s good to hear. You have suffered more than many. You are a lovely caring person and deserve some happiness.
Your village light up sounds nice hope it went well.
Sweetpeasue glad you managed to get to your sons and had a good time. Your meal and the whole day sounds lovely, so pleased you were able to enjoy it.
I did enjoy the service and the hospice is indeed an amazing place. Just very emotional in the candlelight.

Doodle Hope today has been a quiet spiritual one and the remembrance service was comforting . I hope afterwards you can get some peace too and you don't feel too' wrung out' The hospice your DH was in sounds a wonderful and amazing place. Wish there were more places like that.
Everyone had trifle years ago. Your mum was so accommodating- so nice to make a trifle in 2 halves. Can imagine you peering into the glass bowl.
Wyllow Please don't beat yourself up when you can't do what you want to. You try so hard . I hate Wattsapps where you can see your own face. I try not to look at it. I know it's good for families when we can't get to see each other though. You are a kind , intelligent lady and don't believe any other negative thoughts. Hope today is a bit better.
Scaredycat You must feel relieved to have got your DDs pressie sorted- I never know what to get. I bet your tree looks lovely with the lights on - they do cheer you up don't they. Our village has got lights on now too. Hope you enjoyed your family get together and mince pies.
As HVDY says you've had so much sorrow and grief in your life ,please don't feel bad for enjoying some of life. I know you've still so much sadness too with your friends poorly and worry about the AF. I love to read your posts and there is so much brightness and caring too.
HVDY Today was good and I'm glad to be home now. Everyone loved the knitted figures and the children were so good and opened some early presents from my son , with him going away to work. The dinner was amazing -my son loves cooking, it's his main hobby. He bought a large 'ragu' beef joint and some pork, pigs in blankets, cauliflower cheese, broccoli stems, whole rainbow carrots, sprouts in a sort of cream sauce with bacon, peas, mash, roasties, stuffing, apple sauce ,honeyed parsnips, and home-made yorkshires, phew! There were tiny portions of trifle after a rest and they'll enjoy the rest of the trifle themselves.We took DILs mum home afterwards. She's so nice ( she couldn't eat v much).
EllieAnne Hope you've been OK today. Did you get to church this morning? Hope you saw some friends.

We had a nice time at son's and we were able to enjoy the afternoon so all good.
Back now and tired.
Hope everyone is OK and love to those not in or just reading.

EllieAnne Our Christmas tree is in the loft, too. It's still got the lights and baubles on, we just pack it away like that. It'll come downstairs much nearer to Christmas.

SweetpeaSue Hope you had/have a nice time at your son's. What is/was for dinner?

Wyllow3 You have such low self-esteem, and that's a shame as you're a bright, kind, intelligent and caring lady.

ScaredyCat I wrap things as I get them. Each person has a different wrapping paper. I also keep lists. Don't ever feel guilty for posting about good things in your life - after your tragedies and sadness, you deserve a lot of happiness. Enjoy the mince pies at your daughter's.

It's been dark today with a lot of rain. Not been out, but heard from a few family members. Hope ALL BDers have been ok x

Hi all.
Wyllow- glad you got out for a walk- it’s brave to push yourself and that way your confidence will slowly grow.
Yes Christmas will come and as you say for so many it’s a matter of coping as best you can. It will be gone just as quickly and your nice carer will be back and with her the New Year and hopefully New beginnings.
There you are beating yourself up again - you re NOT useless but just find motivation hard. You are trying so much to do things. Please don’t hide - you are a lovely person and very loved by your family and us. You just need to believe it.
HVDY- Success for DD pressie- got a nice jacket she has had her eye on. We always have bought for Step GC - they are now 29 and 26 but still get a pressie. I,m jealous you,ve done some wrapping already- at least I,ve got the paper.
Yes it surprises me too that you suffer from social anxiety. You always sound so gregarious and laid back. It must be very tiring for you sometimes to have to make such efforts to hide it.
Lovely chat with your friend - sounds like you have some very good friends.
Doodle- yes buying for little people is much easier isn’t it. Our tree is up now but not much else- just love the lights though and could happily leave it up all Winter.
My DDs MiL made the best trifle in our family- so boozy and rich- we all loved it.
I hope today’s memorial service brings you some comfort. It will be good to be amongst others who understand how you feel . Will your Sons be there too?
EllieAnne- what a kind heart you have- I expect DH looks forward to his cake every year.
Be careful getting your tree down- could DH stand by to help?
You describe the ocular migraine well- I once had it during an Art class and could only see half the model as the other half of her was shimmering and zigzagging.
SweetPeaSue- Straightening the tree branches is the worst job isn’t it-thank goodness it’s only once a year. It’s worth it though as the lights are so cheering.
I hope you have a lovely day with your Son and family . They will love those little knitted people with their chocolate tummies. You will be so glad you went I,m sure - special times and memories made.
I had to smile at DH and the raspberry hunt! The trifle sounds delicious - I bet he ate it happily.😀

Today is the day the lights get switched on on our village green.
It’s been raining all day so it’ll be sooo muddy. We’re supposed to be meeting some of the family there then going back to DD for mince pies. Our weather really is the pits .😩
I sometimes feel guilty posting about nice things when so many of you feel so low lately. I have had much sadness in my life but having now reached my 80,s feel that every day is precious and to try to focus on the positive. You are my brave ,kind friends and I care very much for you all.

Take care all ,BDs ,occasional posters, readers and those who are dealing with life’s difficulties.

Well done on the presents front, HVDY. I didn’t realise you found it so hard to get out for those kind of events so well done for keeping going to them. Nice to have the chat with your friend tonight.

Sweetpeasue I bet your trifle is great and I hope DGS and SGD enjoy it tomorrow. You cant beat choc oranges and I hop they love your little knitted figures. Most of all, may it be a “better heath” day for you and DH.

I bet your cake turns out just fine, EllieAnne I hadn’t heard of ocular migraine till you wrote about it. Distressing. It cant be easy making the effort for DH.

I’m glad you’ve managed those decorations Doodle. I expect church will help at Christmas but it will be bitter-sweet.
May the memorial service be….just right for you, may it help in some way x

Dressing gown day again and so angry with myself for being useless, I mean being so unwilling to do what is positive. WhatsApp's from DS.
I look so awful, just hide.

Night night BD's see you tomorrow.

HVDY I understand completely that feeling of social anxiety. It just shows how well you hide it from others. So glad you are able to say it how it is here.
EllieAnne You are so kind to go the extra mile for your DH. I mean about doing the GF Christmas Cake.
You really are a kind person. Wish you knew that.
HVDYMy mum always did the 'Birds Trifle* back in the day. My DH has been quite annoyed about me trying to access the tinned raspberries. I suppose I' wanted to reproduce the dish My sin remembered.

Hvdy he gets rolls and bread on prescription. Used to get pasta but it’s got a lot cheaper so I just buy it.

SweetpeaSue I overthink everything. I get anxious days/weeks before any event/meeting/day out/holiday, everything (I've got social anxiety). Most people don't realise it, as I keep it to myself. Then, afterwards, I wonder why I did or didn't say this or do that. It drives me a bit mad, so it's often easier to stay in. Trifle is my favourite dessert. I like Swiss roll, then fresh strawberries (sliced), jelly, thick custard, Dream Topping (lots of it) and a crumbled Cadbury's Flake on the top. Gorgeous. Your trifle sounds delicious. Your family will love the little knitted characters. Hope you have a lovely time.

EllieAnne That's kind of you to make your husband a cake. Is he able to get some gluten-free things on prescription? Son1 was put on a GF diet from 15 months to 4 years (he was then ok, and has been ok since), and I used to get Juvela bread, vacuum packed, also pasta. There wasn't a lot of GF to buy all those years ago.

Doodle We always buy the step-grandchildren things for birthdays, Easter and Xmas. The same amount of money is spent on all of the children. (the "grandparents" of our own GC don't do any of that though). Hope you have a good day tomorrow and not too tiring.

Didn't go out today (too much effort to do my make-up) so did boring housework and more online shopping. An old friend rang this evening and we chatted for 2 hours. Hope ALL BDers have a cosy night x

Doodle I make one every year. He’s coeliac so needs everything to be gf.

Scaredycat yes still knitting. Keeps my hands busy.
I find Christmas shopping so different now everyone is older. It was much easier when they were children. Shame to top as too big for your DD.
I’ve put up all the decorations I’m doing for this year which is pretty minimal.
Willow glad you got put for a walk. Well done. Yes I’m wondering about Christmas too. I’ve quite a bit on at the church.
HVDY you’re very organised wrapping up presents. I’ve hardly bought any yet. How lovely that you are buying for step grandchildren too. It will certainly make them feel more like family.
Sweetpeasue my mum always used to make trifle for Christmas. My brother and I didn’t like sponge so mum always made half with and half without. The trouble was trying to see through the glass bowl which half had sponge and which didn’t.
Glad you’re going to your sons. I expect they will all love their chocolate oranges and knitted people. Nice to give them something you’ve made.
Ellie Anne that’s nice of you to make a cake for your husband. No it doesn’t sound as though we’re all into Christmas does it.
I’m so tired tonight I think I’ll go to bed soon. Long day tomorrow. Church in the morning then memorial service at hospice at 4pm

I also get ocular migraine. No headache but I see coloured zigzags jumping about and if I look at print there are gaps and the letters jump about. I have to stop what I am ,doing for about 20 mins till it passes.
My Christmas tree is still in the loft . I will probably get it down in a ,couple of weeks.
Made a Christmas cake today for dh. Think ,I left it in too long but it should be ok when it’s got marzipan and icing on.
It sounds like no one here is in the mood for Christmas. It will come and go.
There’s such bravery comes through in you posts.

Wyllow So glad you managed to face a walk out yesterday. I know it must have taken a big effort so well done for that.
I'm not in Christmas mood either but will have to start getting gift cards and a few things.
Thankyou for your hug ,so kind.
Scaredycat Our tree is in the loft too. Takes ages to straighten out the branches and do it but they're cheerful when done. I wish I didn't feel like a wet blanket this year. Oh I'll definitely go to son's tomorrow. Little DGS and SGD will be there and I'll take my knitted little people all with choc oranges for them.
Thanks for the info about your own visual disturbances. I'll ask DH what he's actually seeing next time he has one.
HVDYI didn't realise you get anxious sometimes about going out. It feels difficult to know what to say at times and I usually end up babbling about nothing but trying extra hard. Yes I will see son after Christmas - it'll be new year.
Looked all over for tinned raspberries (son wanted me to make raspberry trifle - I always made one when they were home at Christmas) . I poured the juice over a raspberry jam Swiss roll ,along with the raspberries. Couldn't find any anywhere or roll with raspberry jam so it'll not be my usual dish. Got fresh raspberries instead and this raspberry couli stuff to pour over the cake bit. Hope it's not too sweet.
Doodle You did well to 'tune out' the Christmas music the other day. It a very sentimental time of year and much emphasis on family which is great if you're all together and have a family like The Waltons. Hope today has been OK for you. Thankyou for all your understanding. It must be so hard for you every day. X
EllieAnneWhiff**Allsorts**Candy**Nanny and others who read. Hoping you're OK and wishing you all a peaceful night.

SweetpeaSue It's a shame your son won't be home over Christmas, but I expect you'll see him afterwards. You can put on a front to go to his for lunch tomorrow, and you'll probably be glad you went. Sometimes just the thought of doing something or being out of the house can cause anxiety (I get like that).

ScaredyCat CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machines deliver continuous and steady air pressure. The pub we like is one of 3 that are in a chain. The drinks are the usual price as anywhere else, but they aren't places people usually go to just for drinking - the places are more popular for the food. The cheap menu is only on Fridays. I hope you manage to get something else for your daughter.

Wyllow3 Well done for getting out to the park. There is so much pressure on people about Christmas. It all starts far too early. It's still a few weeks away.

Hope ALL BDers are ok. I've been up for hours, and have wrapped a few more presents. No idea what to get the step-grandchildren for Christmas yet. Love to all x

It must be lovely having such as cuddly cat, HVDY. You’ve earnt all his trust.
I remember how worried you were about Son2. Nice to have lunch out.

My carer isnt working Christmas week.

Sweetpeasue I’m sorry today was a bad one so another hug. Yes, re putting a face on with son, and hoping for you it turns out to have some plusses.

You did really well Doodle to hang on in there shopping with all the “stuff” that goes on. For different reasons, I feel the same. xx

I wondered how “kept an eye” on your friend, Scaredycat, and glad family is close. I hope you find an alternative pressie for DD.
My M n S isn’t too far either, but I go to where I am used to, a biggish Sainsbury’s. M and S are good on the treat tempting.

I did get out for a walk today in the local park. Sunny, OK. I just knew I had to push myself.

Cant cope with thinking about Christmas. I know it will come up soon.

Hoping BD’s have an OK night! xx to all.

Hi all.
HVDY- I don’t know how those CPAPs work either just know that they do- my Sister was so happy when BiL got his!!
Yes our friends situation is very sad . Fortunately they moved to a lovely retirement apartment about 3 yrs go where they keep an eye on her . She has family close too. Her DH care home is only about 5 minutes by car away.
Jaffa is such a homebody now isn’t he - he sounds so lovely and affectionate. So glad his mouth has healed well and he can have his dried food as well now.
You must be so happy for your Son2 - a wedding would be lovely wouldn’t it. Glad your eyes were ok - always a relief.
What a lovely cheap pub near you- are the drinks cheap too?
SweetPeaSue- yes you are right it is a hard choice the families of Alzheimer’s sufferers face - telling them about their condition and deciding what to do .
You mention your DH visual disturbances- there is a thing called ocular migraine which is visual disturbance without the headache. I get them - it is usually one eye and like a shimmering Kaleidoscope pattern in the outer corner but no headache.
You are wise to stick with the same GP at least the continuity is there . Hope you get an appt on Tuesday.
It,ll be lovely to have dinner with your Son and family on Sunday. As you say you can do it and you,ll be glad you went
Doodle- good job the Church was cosy it was such a cold day.
Are you still knitting the squares? I remember doing that at school 70 years ago!!
Yes I did some Xmas shopping today . Went to pick up a top I,d ordered for DD but it was too big - she is very tiny. So now I have to think of something else. Oh you did so well to stick it out with all the Xmas distractions and were rewarded with a nice day. Tomorrow we are getting our tree down from the loft - it seems like 5 minutes since we put it up there.
Wyllow- hope you got out today it was lovely and sunny.
We went to M and S for a bit of Xmas shopping and some food treats . It’s so close it’s a continual temptation.
Try and think that a new temporary carer is another friend for you- they might be really good. It’s only 2 weeks then your nice one will be back.

Candy,Nadateturbe,EllieAnne, Whiff, Nanny, and all those I have unintentionally omitted wishing you a peaceful weekend

HVDY there are about 9 of us knitting.
Good the CPAP machine seems to be helping your DH. Glad you had a nice time out.
Sweetpeasue sorry you’re so down. You have a lot of troubles on your mind. Hope you get to go to your sons. Shame he won’t be around for Christmas but hopefully you’ll get to see him soon after.
Scaredycat how are you today. Have you done any Christmas shopping?
Willow hope you managed to get out. I hope you get some more care with someone you can connect with.
Ellie Anne Candy and Nadateturbe thinking of you all,
I’ve been out shopping today. Managed to hang on with all the Christmas music, happy people and decorations. So tired now and my back aches but a good day.

HVDY I'm so very pleased Jaffa has trusted you and settled in. Sounds like he's a very affectionate cat who knows where he's well off.
Glad you had a lovely meal out together.A bargain.
Wyllow Hope you managed to get out today. I can understand your apprehension about a new carer , I think I'd feel like that too. It could be that the new carer is on your wavelength though . Thankyou for the hugs- so appreciated. I'm glad you can take some comfort 'being here'. It means a lot to me too.

Doodle Thinking of you.x
EllieAnne* Hoping you're OK.
Nadateturbe Think of you too and hoping you're not in too much pain with one thing and another.
Scaredycat Hope you're OK too.

Been feeling quite depressed lately and today was pretty bad.
Son 2 invited us all for dinner , Sunday as he'll be away for Christmas. Sons MIL will be going too. So nice of son , though I'm feeling so low I'll have to put a face on. I can do it.

Much love to all and those reading who may not be feeling great. X

Doodle The heating certainly needed to be on yesterday. Do many turn up to knit? Jaffa demands cuddles. He loves to be on my lap, and then he puts his head up and right back, for me to stroke his neck and chest. Such a lovely cat.

SweetpeaSue I hope your husband manages to see the GP on Tuesday. I tend to see whichever doctor is available. Sometimes one GP will have a different opinion to another.

Wyllow3 DH says he feels he's waking up better (less tired) than he was. The time has flown. I was so worried about Son2 etc when baby was due. Things have worked out so well, though. They're talking about marriage (they're doing things backwards) A different carer just over the Christmas period wouldn't be so bad, would it? Someone new to chat with. I know some carers like to have Christmas off work (I always worked Christmas Day morning, sometimes the evening)

Had my eyes tested, all ok. Have got dry eyes so been advised to use eye drops. DH met me afterwards and suggested lunch at our favourite local pub. 3 course meals for £8.50 today! Unbelievably cheap. Bought some more things from B&M. Hope ALL BDers are ok today. x

Yes EllieAnne nice walk together idea, speaking - or not having to, whatever worked. It’s not just sharing tough stuff, it’s often the everyday bits too feeling someone cares.

Scaredycat its sad your friend has got worse…in a way its a blessing she doesn’t know, for her sake…I hope someone is looking out for her as to how long she can come at home. It’s very chilly here too.
You do write so nicely to us all, I hope you take good care too.

HVDY - your DH’s condition was awful, 61 times a night! 8 is so much better, does he benefit from better sleep? Jaffa is settling in more and more, heading for the radiator. Glad you had a nice day with LittleGirl and got out. How time flies, I recall when she first got pregnant and everything around it.

The response to DH’s health problems are so muddled, Sweetpeasue, it’s not at all surprising you get fed up and both get sick of it. Hugs, thinking of you both. Well done for todays achievements. I think on your circumstances its a very good idea to wait for the GP who knows you both and histories.

Glad the heating was on, Doodle, for the knitting group.

I do realise it’s hard for people to help me, but, belonging, listening, sharing, all makes a little difference. Some very insightful posts, thank you so much BD’s. Dressing gown day today, must try and get out tomorrow.
I guess am reluctant to have to get to know another carer but it has to happen.

HVDY Yes, that is when the only GP in our surgery offers F2F appts. We have stuck with him to get constant care. He is young, and not convinced he's the best tbh. The nurse today offered an appt next Friday with different GP. We are most likely able to get appt with the F2F GP on Tuesday. We are still sticking with F2F GP because he knows history.
Really don't know what it best.

Willow is this carer one you pay for ? (Sorry I know I’ve asked that before but I can’t remember) is it possible you could employ her for longer as she seems to help you?
I can very much understand that what’s the point thing and how down and depressed it can make you. Until you can find a way of dealing with those thoughts it will be a struggle. Do wish we could help more. As Ellie Anne said, if only we could walk together. All of us. What a wonderful thing that would be.
Ellie Anne you can tell us what you like but understand as it’s a public forum you may well not want to. Some thoughts are so private we don’t tell anyone. Could you ask Gp if you could have some one to one counselling?
Scaredycat it must upset you a lot to see your friend in such a state. Does she have any family who keep an eye on her?
So very cold out today I was freezing. Went to church for knitting but fortunately the heating was on.
Sweetpeasue how has today been. I do feel for you with all your worries. Your own health and that of your DH. Hope today has been ok.
HVDY yes stroking an animal has a very calming effect. I bet Jaffa’s getting lots of attention.

SweetpeaSue It really is poor of the GP to not have sorted something out. Why has your husband got to wait until Tuesday? Is that when "your" doctor will be there? Son is going to work and also working extra hours from home in the evening, to make up for time lost by going to the hospital etc., the other day. There are so many different viruses around at this time of the year.

Jaffa is being very good lately - now that his gums are fully healed, he's having dry food as well as wet stuff. He has 4 meals of wet food or chicken, a day, instead of 7! Hope it's a cosy night for all BDers x

Doodle Hope you've been OK today. Glad you had nice day at church and got to have some dog cuddles.
I'm not in the mood for the Christmas celebrations this year. It all seems to heighten sadness to me. Expect I sound a Grinch.
Scaredycat I'm sorry about your friend with Alziemers-- it's hard to see them slipping away bit by bit. I think I understand about the decision made not to tell her as the knowledge might be upsetting. Think that's why nothing has been said to my aunt. Yes, I hope she manages to live in her own home as long as is desirable. I know the familiarity of home can be preferable to a strange place. It's such a hard decision/ choice for close family to make.
Thankyou for your caring words to us all.
HVDY Nice to have Littlegirl today and so pleased she's so much better.
I've never heard of the CPAP machines actually but it sounds such a good help for your DH . I'm sure he now can see what a help it is ,now he can see the way the breath- stops have decreased so much.
Our GP didn't want to treat the high BP because of the low BP in the left arm where he has the pain. DH had also suffered falls when he was on more BP med , but that was before the Subclavian Steal was found. GP was disappointed with the Vascular appt - that he wasn't told how to manage DHs BP so hasn't been doing anything . It's all too much lately we're sick of it. Nurse informed DR of his high BP and today DH got called and was asked to make appt with GP over it. This has happened twice now and each time we go back. GP is on next Tuesday so it'll be morning ring time again.
Hoping your son hasn't been too bad today. You must be worried.

DH not been great . He had a visual disturbance again and headache . He's wearing a hand splint cos of hand pain.
Done some knitting and a tiny bit of ironing.

Such a kind place , this. Hoping you all have a peaceful night and to those nit in or just reading. x

Wyllow I'm sorry for the really bad night you had - so true about nighttime being so much worse for thinking about problems and worries. I think it's the 'aloneness' when others are all sleeping and the imagination takes off on a whole new level. So glad you had the nice carer that you can speak to. Understand completely, wanting an older person. I've felt the same in the past and I think it's more likely you'd be on the same wavelength with someone closer in age.
You have been treated so badly and I think when we really love someone we want to make so many allowances for bad behaviours and hurts -- it all must get so mixed up . You are a good person and a caring person .lots of hugs.
EllieAnne Last sentence there for you too. Hope today has been a little easier. You are holding so much in - is there a friend who you can trust and might understand if you have a talk to them. Your whole situation seems unbearable and I think the more you keep it in the lonelier you will feel. Even if its Samaritans again-- I know that's not always helpful and can depend on the person you speak to - it's worth another try , when you're feeling so cut off.
Sending you a hug and love.

Wyllow3 Sorry you had such a horrible night. Things always seem so much worse at night, when everyone else seems to be sleeping. Glad you get on well with the carer who came today. A young person might not have the experience/knowledge you need but might be a friendly face to see for a week or two.

EllieAnne Would you ring the Samaritans for a confidential, non-judgmental chat?

ScaredyCat DH has downloaded an app for this CPAP machine (I have no idea how it all works) and will get readings of how many times he stops breathing during the night - last night was 8, a huge improvement on the 61 he'd had without the machine. How sad about your friend (and her husband). Is she safe to be living alone? Could she go to the same care home?

It's been bitterly cold here all day. Jaffa has discovered the pleasure of sitting on the computer chair, which is next to a radiator. LittleGirl was very entertaining as usual, and enjoyed the playgroup then park. She went home at 4.30. Hope ALL BDers have been ok x