When should you tell someone they are overweight and their DC are too?

Grunty

There is never the right time, or the right words, to tell someone that they're overweight. No one, in the history of the world, who was ever told "you're fat", responded by saying "gee thanks, I didn't know that I'll lose weight right away!". They already know they're fat; being overweight doesn't equal being stupid. They know that their clothes don't fit them too well any more and they feel short of breath when they go upstairs. They don't need it pointing out to them; it's their body; they know it better than anyone and they'll already be having self esteem issues. Please don't add to that. The only thing you can do is, if you usually take a treat for them when you meet up, don't take cakes, biscuits or chocolate. Other than, leave them be.

Spot on Grunty. It could never be helpful, only hurtful.

Yes, my mother used to tell me I was too fat! She was lucky enough to be able to eat whatever she wanted and never put on weight - I inherited my 'fat' genes from my dad's side of the family. Calling me fat was just another of her ways of making me feel that I'd never be good enough for her - and invariably drove me to comfort eat in any case!

Well, I'm afraid I do tell my 50 plus son that he should lose weight. He laughs and says he knows I mean well, but that he just can't stop eating.
I don't know what else I can do to help him. He doesn't live with me.

Cossy

It’s never, ever ok to tell anyone that they are too large/thin/spotty/scruffy We don’t need to comment on people’s weight or appearance.

Does anyone actually tell another that they are "too fat" though (apart from those who enjoy being spiteful)?

Wouldn't a well-intentioned friend be more kind, or diplomatic (not that I'm recommending this approach)?

My ex-DIL told me once, post surgery, that she thought I wasn't eating enough to maintain my weight, and that she was worried for me. She didn't say, "you're too thin". It was obvious that she and my son had been 'talking' - he'd probably encouraged her to 'say something'.

I wasn't offended, I knew they both cared. And they were right - I left hospital and hit the ground running because my disabled OH was deteriorating and I spent my energy and time on him. I was in fact grateful because it made me take a look at myself. They followed up by offering practical help, too.

Some might think that being thin is no big deal - you don't really get the stares, whispered comments, etc, that overweight people sometimes have to suffer. But - I did look pretty awful nevertheless.

The hospital were badgering me because I was losing weight, and they wanted to do an assessment. Fortunately, my DIL's intervention was a wake-up call, and the practical help allowed me to start to get back on my feet again.

So, my point is, is it always a bad thing to take an interest in someone else's 'appearance' if you think they are maybe doing irreparable harm to themselves, you care, and are in a position to offer practical help? With the caveat that you really do have to know that person very well, and really care about them.

fancythat

^Are doctors really advising people to lose weight? I thought they were quoted as saying they didn’t want to upset patients.
A crazy situation.^

Maybe not the same thing, but a relative of mine has been told they must lose some weight before they can have an operation.
Else the operation will not go ahead.

Maybe not the same thing, but a relative of mine has been told they must lose some weight before they can have an operation.

I think this is really to do with the increased risk of operating on someone who is significantly overweight, no surgeon wants to lose a patient through complications either during or post surgery.

It might feel - to the patient - that their weight is being used as a bargaining chip, and therefore a criticism, but I think it's more serious than that.

Hope your relative manages to hack it - can't be easy though.

Thisismadness123

Anyone had a face-lift ? Looking for advice. Shall I , shall I not ? If I do any recommend surgeons. Don't trust on line recommendations from the sites .

Perhaps start a new thread?

Whiff

Unless the person wants to lose weight for themselves they won't. I should know I was over 19st for decades size 32. Tried several times when my husband was alive to lose weight went to clubs but hated being treated like a naughty child if I put on . But my husband love me for me my weight was never an issue . I was 13st stone when we meet when I was 16 he was 10.5 st at 18.

Life has a way of taking over bringing up the children,my husband's cancer and dieing in 2004 aged 47, looking after both parents and mother in law until they died . I always put everyone's needs first . And had no time to go too the effort of losing weight. Getting jaundice in 2017 after my mom died was my wake up call. It was caused by 2 tablets I had been taking since 1992 to help with symptoms of my disability. Seriously ill for 5 months .

Anyone who has had jaundice knows the awful things it does to your body .As I had no one dependant on me anymore gave me time to think what I wanted out of life. Only 3 things move house ,lose weight get fitter. Realised to lose weight it's a marathon not a sprint and a change of eating . And not buying foods I had no control over . But once I started on the journey even if I had a bad day I viewed and still view every morning as a fresh start. Took 5 years to lose 7st now a size 16 but still battling on to lose the last stone I want . I was happy if I only lost quarter of a pound a week.

Moved in 2019 and go to sit fit classes here. But started to go to exercise class in 2018 before my move .

I had an enough abuse shouted at me when I was obese plus I am disabled since birth. Where I used to live .

Never tell anyone they are fat it's none of your business and it's hurtful . No one is prefect no such thing . You wouldn't like it if people pointed out faults in your appearance . So please keep your opinions to yourself.

Well done, for speaking so candidly, for sharing your journey and for taking control.

It’s never, ever ok to tell anyone that they are too large/thin/spotty/scruffy We don’t need to comment on people’s weight or appearance.

Her GP or close family members may already have mentioned this.

They have to get their BMI[I think it is called] below 30.

^Are doctors really advising people to lose weight? I thought they were quoted as saying they didn’t want to upset patients.
A crazy situation.^

Maybe not the same thing, but a relative of mine has been told they must lose some weight before they can have an operation.
Else the operation will not go ahead.

Whiff

I was in hospital for 3 weeks in 1988 due pain levels very high and couldn't control my limbs . I was told by 3 different drs I was attention seeking,a fake and mentally ill. I was told I was taking up a bed for someone who was genuine ill. I was born disabled also born with a hole in the side of my heart. I was told I was costing NHS money and taking up a bed a ill patient needed. So I have been told as a disabled person I was costing NHS money.

Can I hazard a guess Whiff that those doctors were not referring to your disability when they chided you for occupying a bed which they believed more 'genuine' patients needed.

It is not unusual for some male doctors to 'diagnose' female patients with it's-all-in-your-head disease if they (women) are not able to specify their symptoms to said doctor's satisfaction.

Back in the 90s my GP wanted to refer me to a specialist to investigate abdominal pain. He composed a referral letter, printed it off, and gave it to me to read.

To cut a long story short - my GP was emphasising in the letter that he did not believe I was an anxious, depressed, or 'obsessive' patient.

Why did he do that? Because, as he admitted to me, there were too many male doctors / consultants. etc, who thought that middle-aged women were prone to hysteria and / or hypochondria, particularly if they were menopausal. A long-held belief in some quarters in the medical profession.

I believe your doctors thought along those lines, they were not badgering you for being disabled.

I think it's important to keep a sense of proportion in these discussions. I don't believe doctors - even the arrogant ones - begrudge anyone for having a disability.

Can't interfere with friend's parenting. Parents are fully allowed to feed their children whatever they want and set them up lifetime of health problems and poor eating habits.

As for the mother, the only reason you can see she has an eating disorder or predisposition to obesity is because of her body shape. Leave the poor girl alone. Corrections won't help.

No no no don’t say a word this lady knows very well that she is fat. It’s nobody’s buisness but hers and hers alone

Anyone had a face-lift ? Looking for advice. Shall I , shall I not ? If I do any recommend surgeons. Don't trust on line recommendations from the sites .

Face-lift..anyone had one ?

I really wouldn't tell someone that they are fat .
It's rude and insulting .
They know that they are an you aren't helping .
One of my old friends told me that I used to look good .
And a relative told me -I thought that you were going on a diet .
What size are you ?
At least a size 20 plus I suppose .
I felt humiliated .
And it didn't make me diet nor exercise

I was in hospital for 3 weeks in 1988 due pain levels very high and couldn't control my limbs . I was told by 3 different drs I was attention seeking,a fake and mentally ill. I was told I was taking up a bed for someone who was genuine ill. I was born disabled also born with a hole in the side of my heart. I was told I was costing NHS money and taking up a bed a ill patient needed. So I have been told as a disabled person I was costing NHS money.

I know from experience having lost nearly six stone, with another half stone to go that the only person who should tell an overweight individual is him/her. They know only too well they are overweight and also know the answer. Eat less and exercise, though a few people do have metabolic issues and conditions such as hypothyroidism which lead to weight gain.
For me the new way of eating is for life

Exactly.

Unless the disability is due to overweight (or other lifestyle choice). One of my friends was disabled and had a scooter and carer due to her weight. She then lost a lot of weight and panicked that she would have to return to work and lose the benefits, so decided to put most of the weight back on.

BTW, the was she lost the weight was to eat meat, and ONLY meat. Crazy stuff.

Another child died last year, being beaten by father, and with the mother's help. Neighbours heard, but saisd nothing, for fear of being called 'busy bodies'.

Whiff

Would you tell and person smoking or drinking to stop as they are causing the NHS money. Would you tell a disabled person they are costing the NHS because they are disabled.

Where does it stop.

Well a doctor might well tell someone who drinks and smokes to cut down or stop - especially if either are having a negative impact on their health.

He'd hardly be likely to tell a disabled person to stop being disabled though.

The two things don't equate.

Being disabled is a bit different from the others Whiff in that no-one can change it. Difficult as it is for some to eat healthily or give up alcohol, it isn't impossible.

Grammaretto

My friend is not a busybody Hithere but is genuinely concerned about the health and wellbeing of this family.
She is a healthy eater herself and wishes that she could influence her friend. It is a difficult situation but I am sure not uncommon.

Sorry but she is. No person in their right mind thinks it’s ever polite or helpful to tell someone they and their children are fat. Does your friend think this poor woman doesn’t know ? Does she obsess over the health of others in other ways ? Perhaps she’s got a brewing case of disordered eating she should chat with her gp about

Children in the uk are weighed as they start primary school at 4/5 and as they leave at 11.
As for mentioning that the parent is overweight as well as the child. It’s a NO from me. They know already and will not respond gratefully with a ‘thanks for telling me this, I had no idea’

Dickens wrote 'If someone is possibly messing up their own life - well, maybe that's their right I suppose - but inflicting it on their child is I think a different matter. Parents have a right to parent their child as they see fit, but I'm not sure that storing up future ill-health is part of that right.'

and yes, this is the crux of the matter. At what stage does it become child neglect or abuse- with long term consequences. If a friend was mistreating a child, with any kind of abuse- would you keep quiet, for fear of losing that friendship or embarrassing your friend? Isn't this how so many children fall through the net, with terrible consequences. Yes, the school or the GP should be the ones.

Agree to that there are 'ways and ways' - to try and discuss this in such a way that is non judging and non threatening or shaming, out of true care.

Would you tell and person smoking or drinking to stop as they are causing the NHS money. Would you tell a disabled person they are costing the NHS because they are disabled.

Where does it stop.

I am 67 years old and was very subtly fat shamed all my life by my mum an my oldest sister. My weight has always yo yo’d depending on how stressed I have been. I’m a comfort eater but they were the type of people who if they were stressed didnt eat. They were also lucky that they didn’t go through the type of stress i did ( eg horrible divorce, 16 yr old daughter involved in a terrible car accident) but they never let up or understood me at all.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved them both dearly but now they are both gone its almost like I feel free. As a consequence I now exercise regularly and my weight is going slowly but surely.
The same daughter as I have mentioned is a bit overweight but I never mention it to her at all as I know how it feels. We only talk about it if she brings the subject up.