Is my DHs attitude to tax driving me into ill health

There are several elements of this post that I don't understand. The first is how the recent budget has affected your tax. As far as I am aware there have been no changes to Income Tax that would affect you or your DH. True there are changes to Capital Gains Tax, but none to Inheritance Tax
Thank you Madmeg for also picking up on this.
I’d be interested to hear OP’s reply. .

Would OH react to the fact that if you spent some money now it would bring down your threshold level below IHT level . A way of reducing your tax 'burden'.
I am learning to be an expert in reverse psychology

There are several elements of this post that I don't understand. The first is how the recent budget has affected your tax. As far as I am aware there have been no changes to Income Tax that would affect you or your DH. True there are changes to Capital Gains Tax, but none to Inheritance Tax.

The second is why, after your lifetime of frugality, your efforts have all been wasted. What causes you to say that? My DH and I have lived frugally and now in our mid/late seventies are reaping the benefits of that - and at long last he is happy to spend more of our savings than ever before on a few luxuries, including two World Cruises of 3 months each and planning a third one!

Third, why do you want to live in a Care Home? They are hellishly expensive if you have to pay due to your income or assets (£1,000 a week is not uncommon) and are mostly filled with residents who NEED care in order to be safe - e.g. with dementia.

However, I do understand how living in a home that is in need of vital repairs/renewals is depressing (it sounds similar to ours, in that situation due to DH never taking an interest in the house). We have just had our builder start on a new roof for us and has told us he is surprised that we have not noticed lots of leaks in recent years as many areas are totally "shot" - and he is a chap we have known for many years and believe him. DH only agreed when a large hole developed a few months ago and cost a small fortune for an urgent repair - but our years of frugality mean we can afford it now.

And I do understand what it's like to have to make all the decisions in life and make all the arrangements. DH says he appreciates that but it is still damned hard work for me!

I also fear him becoming unable to care for himself as he is rapidly getting that way and in my opinion it is his own fault that his demise is as rapid as it has been in recent years due to his neglect of his body for nearly all of his 78 years - though his illness is not entirely his own fault. I am also miffed that during my year of gruelling cancer treatment he gave me almost zero support other than driving me to appointments. No extra effort with housework, cooking, budgeting or whatever, not that he ever has. He attitude has always been that he has done his best. I have spent our 54 years of marriage doing far more than he has in not only child-rearing but household maintenance, gardening, car cleaning, decorating and the rest. Basically I begrudge the likelihood that I will be forced to care for a man who has done little to deserve my effort, but as I made the promise when I married him I will feel obliged to keep it.

Many times people have told me they would not put up with his attitude, but I have failed miserably in being able to effect any improvement in the situation. I suspect you might be in the same position.

Good luck is all I can say to you.

Maggieanne

Please do not use check-a-trade or any others like that. We were scammed by someone and when I looked at all of the wonderful reviews I saw, "that's his brother, that's his mate, that's someone who works for him", and on and on. He had a terrible reputation but no-one would tell us his proper name or address. Ask around, there's always someone having work done and they'll tell you if they're any good, it's really the only way.

I must be very lucky then. The joiner recommended by our window cleaner who happened to be his cousin was unable to do the joinery work (changing nine internal doors) due to bad back, so I found another joiner at check a trade.

I was very pleased with his work which was done to a very high standard. I also asked him to do other minor repair work and pay him extra. Did ask him where he lives and he lives 10 minutes drive from where we are.

This could be seen as financial abuse.
You don't have to put up with it.

Please do not use check-a-trade or any others like that. We were scammed by someone and when I looked at all of the wonderful reviews I saw, "that's his brother, that's his mate, that's someone who works for him", and on and on. He had a terrible reputation but no-one would tell us his proper name or address. Ask around, there's always someone having work done and they'll tell you if they're any good, it's really the only way.

When I worked for Age Concern (as was). I met this attitude quite frequently - and not just in men. It also happened in my own family.

For good reason people save up money for a rainy day or to provide a cushion in retirement, but then it is never raining hard enough to dip into the rainy day savings and the cusshion is too thin to risk using any of it. I rmeember one lady, who had a largish sum of money in a building society, which she renewed each yeat. The size of the bond meant she could not qualify for pension credit. Meanwhile the house was falling don around her ears.

I did suggest to her that next time the bond came up for renewal she took half out. Had she done so, she could have replaced the windows, repaired the roof, qualified for pension credit and everything that goes with that - and in fact would have been, monitarlly much better off and in a warm dry house - but she would not even consider it, even when her daughter tried to persuade her.

I have no idea what you do with people like that, and Stansgran has all my sympathy.

My DF could be kind,but was definitely the controller of the household finances,even though DM worked too. The decisions he made were final, full stop. The old fashioned man of the house.
It is easy to say "it's your money too,sit him down and tell him that". Living in the dreadful atmosphere that any objection to his plans brought was horrendous.
These days most people wouldn't put up with the situation,but a long marriage to someone with an attitude that they are right, no matter what, is very difficult to change. I'm not saying this is the same situation OP, but I do wish you well.

How have you lived. with such a mean person is beyond me. Just spend money on the things you want or need as you are well off, no pockets in shrouds.

I think OP’s DH was right to resist Everest!
I’m not saying they’re no good but they are pricey- look at how they keep offering you discounts to sign up.
Ask around your neighbours, look at other peoples front doors, I think most people are flattered to think you admire theirs so much you are seeking a recommendation!
As for the rest, well no doubt somebody will put me straight but while energy, food prices, fares and just about everything else is going up, taxation (income tax) is not one of them.
What is he actually worrying about?

I am able, because this is not my problem, to see both sides here. I fully understand why you both feel hard done to, having saved for your old age all your lives and now being faced witht the prospect of savings disappearing into the maw of the Inland Revenue.

So make a list of the repairs that need to be done to the house and get estimates from two or three reliable tradesmen for the repairs.

Then place the list and the most favourable estimate in front of your DH and say bluntly that there is no sense in saving money that is just going to disappear in the form of taxes and that you think it would be wiser to put your house into a reasonable state of repair.

And perhaps when this is done, consider selling it, and moving into something smaller and easier to run.

Unless either you or he really need to be in a care home, I very much doubt you would enjoy living in one, but if it is necessary find out if you can find one and use your savings to pay for care there, then sell the house for what it will fettch even in a state of bad repair.

Make it clear to your husband that you do understand why he feels badly treated by new taxes, unfortunately both you and he have stuck to the values we were brought up with and have wanted to be able to pay your way to the bitter end.
'Most people stopped thinking that way sometime around 1980, assuming that we will not be left to die destitute in the street if we have no savings.

Use your money, either on the house, or on moving, or on simply on anything you will both enjoy and that you cannot be taxed on.

We come empty handed into the world with clenched fists ready to grab hold, we leave it empty handed with flat hands laid on our breast or at our sides. And it is certain that we can take nothing with us. So enjoy your savings.

For tradespeople, I have found that asking for references has given me the best idea of their standard of work and reliability.

One of the people I rang said, "Not only is he an excellent decorator, he's a thoroughly nice chap." The other was equally positive and said he'd even left his kids with him.

They were right! He's done two rooms for me during the last two years, and he's booked for the third one after Christmas.

It sounds like you’re unhappy and frustrated.

How about sitting your husband down and talking to him, make the most of whatever life you have left, spend your money, enjoy life, you deserve it.

Stansgran. At your time of life, it's no good your husband scrimping for a rainy day when it's pouring outside! I would advise that you do what you want to do & simply let him get on with moaning about money & taxes. Enjoy the time you have left despite him.

Nor would I Allira it just needs a few ‘mates’ to make false claims of excellent service and they get the tick

Use check a trade

Two sets of our neighbours had terrible trouble with workmen recommended by Check-a-Trade, shoddy work, charging more and more, abusive and they had to be reported to Trading Standards. They found the workmen had been in prison for scamming elderly people.
I wouldn't trust Check-a-Trade in the slightest.

If repairs aren't made to a house regularly it could cost a whole heap more in the long term.
I thought it would be a good idea to keep money aside in case we need a care home but there's no point in living a life of misery just in case you might need the money for care.
So we're spending some of it on things to make life a bit easier, an automatic car etc.

Yes, I always had to organise trips, holidays until i made DH sit with me and have some input too.

I don't know the best way to approach your DH but perhaps you've always been too easygoing and compliant. There comes a time when something gives - this sounds like the time.

Don’t use national company like Everest, they will rip you off. Use check a trade and read the reviews on them or go to the facebook websites of local tradespeople to see the quality of their works.

My husband is a bit like your husband. He does not like to spend money on our house, he prefers watching his savings grow.

Like you I have own money, so I organise everything myself and tell him when the tradesperson is coming to do the works.

Stansgran if you have money of your own, you don't need his agreement to do something you really want to do. Tell him, don’t ask him, and if he objects stay calm and point out that your money is your money and you don’t have to account to him for decisions.

Sounds like he's in denial. My father in law is like this. Now at 95 and mother in law 90. They are sitting on a pile of money but are too infirm to enjoy it . My husband, their only child . Is very similar, he took early retirement 2 years ago at 57. His works pension was very generous and we have shares that are doing well. But he still counts every penny and will only book a holiday if he can get a deal he's happy with . Drives me crazy

I hope the venting helped, Stansgran

I have money of my own but he tends to say no we don’t need that for repairs on the house or chooses a cheaper option . I’d wanted a new front door but he was around when the Everest man came and he objected to the price was xyz but because you are an old customer we will give you so much off and and the seller just kept tapping away. So in the end I got a local joiner much cheaper but the door rattles every time it’s shut. There is I think a leak in the roof but he says no there isn’t. He obsesses about moss on the roof but does nothing about it expecting me to find someone. We have plenty of money for travel which is all he wants to do .i sometimes wonder if I have ever enjoyed a holiday as I have all the arranging and closing down of the house and the sorting out of what’s gone wrong when we are away. I want to leave the house as it s in a beautiful setting but so difficult to get anywhere. I’m just having a very very bad day and he is a generous man for children and grandchildren and oddly jewellery for me. He is also incredibly kind but has a blind spot which I suppose many men do. Computers and online dealings infuriate him. As I say forgive me I’m having a bad day. Had to vent somewhere.

Are you in a position to arrange social care for your husband, for which he will pay, to give yourself a break?
Or does he control all the money?

I think I understand a little of your situation. We also went without at times, to save money for old age, in the form of savings etc. I hadn’t realised how much this said about my husbands personality because now, the money is there to be spent but he frets often, about interest etc. and seemingly can’t change his habit of being thrifty. For him, I think it’s an irrational fear of poverty and so I often remind him that we can have much more of a luxurious life now (he does laugh at himself and agree…but then goes back to his old ways) . To be fair, I do spend money on myself and he is fine with that. Perhaps you could do something similar…or opt for paying for meal deliveries or some support that would help you….and if there is no money just in your name, try to change that. Be firm.

You say he does things with no reference to you.
That can work both ways.

What a shame.

We have decided not to “travel second class for our children to travel first class”.

We gave them all a great education, a loving home and they are currently all successful.

Spend it I say!

Sometimes men with too much time on their hands become obsessive.

Do you have separate bank accounts?

If so why not spend some money on your home?