Is my DHs attitude to tax driving me into ill health

Meanness is so difficult to tolerate as it sucks every bit of joy out of life. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this in later life. I don't think people who value money more than people ever change so I think you need to find a way to look after yourself. If you have access to money of your own why not treat yourself to something nice every week, book a little trip or a holiday with a friend. Trouble is I suspect he controls the money and expects you to account for every penny you spend. I really do sympathise, my first husband had a mean side to him. He'd say he was just "careful" but it was a cover for a mean spirit and an opportunity to try to control. He picked the wrong woman as I left him but that's so much easier to do when you are young. tbh I'd try to get out of the situation as it won't change but you may feel that's not an option for you.

Are you saying that your DH actually needs personal care from you or is he so fixated on 'doing sums' that he has no regard for anything else?

Either way, why has your home fallen into such a state of disrepair? There are no pockets in a shroud so spend the money and be comfortable now. Perhaps you could get your AC involved in the matter - surely they would want you both to be healthy and comfortable rather than struggling on simply to leave them money when you die.

What sort of things do you arrange, Stansgran?

If your DH is being a pain the butt, could you just stop 'arranging' things at least as far as he's concerned?

Do you need to go into a care home or are you just (possibly justifiably) fed up?

If your DH would spend some of the money on house repairs, it wouldn't be taxed, would it (other than VAT)?

What sort of things do you mean when you say your DH does things with no reference to you?

What a shame.

We have decided not to “travel second class for our children to travel first class”.

We gave them all a great education, a loving home and they are currently all successful.

Spend it I say!

Sometimes men with too much time on their hands become obsessive.

Do you have separate bank accounts?

If so why not spend some money on your home?

You say he does things with no reference to you.
That can work both ways.

I think I understand a little of your situation. We also went without at times, to save money for old age, in the form of savings etc. I hadn’t realised how much this said about my husbands personality because now, the money is there to be spent but he frets often, about interest etc. and seemingly can’t change his habit of being thrifty. For him, I think it’s an irrational fear of poverty and so I often remind him that we can have much more of a luxurious life now (he does laugh at himself and agree…but then goes back to his old ways) . To be fair, I do spend money on myself and he is fine with that. Perhaps you could do something similar…or opt for paying for meal deliveries or some support that would help you….and if there is no money just in your name, try to change that. Be firm.

Are you in a position to arrange social care for your husband, for which he will pay, to give yourself a break?
Or does he control all the money?

I have money of my own but he tends to say no we don’t need that for repairs on the house or chooses a cheaper option . I’d wanted a new front door but he was around when the Everest man came and he objected to the price was xyz but because you are an old customer we will give you so much off and and the seller just kept tapping away. So in the end I got a local joiner much cheaper but the door rattles every time it’s shut. There is I think a leak in the roof but he says no there isn’t. He obsesses about moss on the roof but does nothing about it expecting me to find someone. We have plenty of money for travel which is all he wants to do .i sometimes wonder if I have ever enjoyed a holiday as I have all the arranging and closing down of the house and the sorting out of what’s gone wrong when we are away. I want to leave the house as it s in a beautiful setting but so difficult to get anywhere. I’m just having a very very bad day and he is a generous man for children and grandchildren and oddly jewellery for me. He is also incredibly kind but has a blind spot which I suppose many men do. Computers and online dealings infuriate him. As I say forgive me I’m having a bad day. Had to vent somewhere.

I hope the venting helped, Stansgran

Sounds like he's in denial. My father in law is like this. Now at 95 and mother in law 90. They are sitting on a pile of money but are too infirm to enjoy it . My husband, their only child . Is very similar, he took early retirement 2 years ago at 57. His works pension was very generous and we have shares that are doing well. But he still counts every penny and will only book a holiday if he can get a deal he's happy with . Drives me crazy

Stansgran if you have money of your own, you don't need his agreement to do something you really want to do. Tell him, don’t ask him, and if he objects stay calm and point out that your money is your money and you don’t have to account to him for decisions.

Don’t use national company like Everest, they will rip you off. Use check a trade and read the reviews on them or go to the facebook websites of local tradespeople to see the quality of their works.

My husband is a bit like your husband. He does not like to spend money on our house, he prefers watching his savings grow.

Like you I have own money, so I organise everything myself and tell him when the tradesperson is coming to do the works.

Use check a trade

Two sets of our neighbours had terrible trouble with workmen recommended by Check-a-Trade, shoddy work, charging more and more, abusive and they had to be reported to Trading Standards. They found the workmen had been in prison for scamming elderly people.
I wouldn't trust Check-a-Trade in the slightest.

If repairs aren't made to a house regularly it could cost a whole heap more in the long term.
I thought it would be a good idea to keep money aside in case we need a care home but there's no point in living a life of misery just in case you might need the money for care.
So we're spending some of it on things to make life a bit easier, an automatic car etc.

Yes, I always had to organise trips, holidays until i made DH sit with me and have some input too.

I don't know the best way to approach your DH but perhaps you've always been too easygoing and compliant. There comes a time when something gives - this sounds like the time.

Nor would I Allira it just needs a few ‘mates’ to make false claims of excellent service and they get the tick

Stansgran. At your time of life, it's no good your husband scrimping for a rainy day when it's pouring outside! I would advise that you do what you want to do & simply let him get on with moaning about money & taxes. Enjoy the time you have left despite him.

It sounds like you’re unhappy and frustrated.

How about sitting your husband down and talking to him, make the most of whatever life you have left, spend your money, enjoy life, you deserve it.

For tradespeople, I have found that asking for references has given me the best idea of their standard of work and reliability.

One of the people I rang said, "Not only is he an excellent decorator, he's a thoroughly nice chap." The other was equally positive and said he'd even left his kids with him.

They were right! He's done two rooms for me during the last two years, and he's booked for the third one after Christmas.

I am able, because this is not my problem, to see both sides here. I fully understand why you both feel hard done to, having saved for your old age all your lives and now being faced witht the prospect of savings disappearing into the maw of the Inland Revenue.

So make a list of the repairs that need to be done to the house and get estimates from two or three reliable tradesmen for the repairs.

Then place the list and the most favourable estimate in front of your DH and say bluntly that there is no sense in saving money that is just going to disappear in the form of taxes and that you think it would be wiser to put your house into a reasonable state of repair.

And perhaps when this is done, consider selling it, and moving into something smaller and easier to run.

Unless either you or he really need to be in a care home, I very much doubt you would enjoy living in one, but if it is necessary find out if you can find one and use your savings to pay for care there, then sell the house for what it will fettch even in a state of bad repair.

Make it clear to your husband that you do understand why he feels badly treated by new taxes, unfortunately both you and he have stuck to the values we were brought up with and have wanted to be able to pay your way to the bitter end.
'Most people stopped thinking that way sometime around 1980, assuming that we will not be left to die destitute in the street if we have no savings.

Use your money, either on the house, or on moving, or on simply on anything you will both enjoy and that you cannot be taxed on.

We come empty handed into the world with clenched fists ready to grab hold, we leave it empty handed with flat hands laid on our breast or at our sides. And it is certain that we can take nothing with us. So enjoy your savings.

I think OP’s DH was right to resist Everest!
I’m not saying they’re no good but they are pricey- look at how they keep offering you discounts to sign up.
Ask around your neighbours, look at other peoples front doors, I think most people are flattered to think you admire theirs so much you are seeking a recommendation!
As for the rest, well no doubt somebody will put me straight but while energy, food prices, fares and just about everything else is going up, taxation (income tax) is not one of them.
What is he actually worrying about?

How have you lived. with such a mean person is beyond me. Just spend money on the things you want or need as you are well off, no pockets in shrouds.

My DF could be kind,but was definitely the controller of the household finances,even though DM worked too. The decisions he made were final, full stop. The old fashioned man of the house.
It is easy to say "it's your money too,sit him down and tell him that". Living in the dreadful atmosphere that any objection to his plans brought was horrendous.
These days most people wouldn't put up with the situation,but a long marriage to someone with an attitude that they are right, no matter what, is very difficult to change. I'm not saying this is the same situation OP, but I do wish you well.

When I worked for Age Concern (as was). I met this attitude quite frequently - and not just in men. It also happened in my own family.

For good reason people save up money for a rainy day or to provide a cushion in retirement, but then it is never raining hard enough to dip into the rainy day savings and the cusshion is too thin to risk using any of it. I rmeember one lady, who had a largish sum of money in a building society, which she renewed each yeat. The size of the bond meant she could not qualify for pension credit. Meanwhile the house was falling don around her ears.

I did suggest to her that next time the bond came up for renewal she took half out. Had she done so, she could have replaced the windows, repaired the roof, qualified for pension credit and everything that goes with that - and in fact would have been, monitarlly much better off and in a warm dry house - but she would not even consider it, even when her daughter tried to persuade her.

I have no idea what you do with people like that, and Stansgran has all my sympathy.

Please do not use check-a-trade or any others like that. We were scammed by someone and when I looked at all of the wonderful reviews I saw, "that's his brother, that's his mate, that's someone who works for him", and on and on. He had a terrible reputation but no-one would tell us his proper name or address. Ask around, there's always someone having work done and they'll tell you if they're any good, it's really the only way.

This could be seen as financial abuse.
You don't have to put up with it.