Black Dog 24

Evening all, I’m back from my holiday which was a lovely relaxing break in the sunshine. I miss my family a lot while I’m away and really can only stand being away for a week at a time. Silly I know.
HVDY I’m glad your eyes are better but it’s a shame you are suffering so much wheezing. The nurse at your surgery doesn’t sound very approachable either which can’t help. I hope you get sorted soon. The photos you posted were very interesting- I’d never heard of steampunk either. It must have been nice to have a mutual interest with your DH. I hope you’ve been ok today.
Wyllow sorry you are still struggling but you’re koko so that’s good. Try and see your MH worker more she seems good for you. Perhaps you could ask her advice on what the next step could be for you to help you move on a little? I hope today has been kind to you.
Doodle Bless you. You’ve had a dip and I think that’s natural for you on this rocky road you’re travelling. Have you spoken to your GP at all? Just to see if there is anything that could help when things are more difficult. It may help. Hope you’ve had a better today today and your worries have eased.
Sweetpeasue I hope you are well enough to meet up with your new friend tomorrow. You were very kind to her and offered her the correct advice. At least you made the effort to go to book club and that’s a good thing. You are trying so hard. Hope you and DH are both ok this evening.
Nadaterturbe good to hear from you but sorry you are struggling too. Hope things get better for you very soon.
Nanny2507 so sorry you are struggling with your family moving away. I struggled too when my son left. I was absolutely bereft and nothing anyone said or did made any difference. The feelings I had were awful and only really got better with meds which have made a huge difference. I don’t like to pry, but it maybe something you could think about or maybe an increase if you’re already on them? It may be something to think about. Could you think about moving too to be closer to one of your children? I know they all have their own lives to lead but at least it would be easier to see them. Sending you big hugs and ❤️.
Ellie Anne hope you are getting your wall sorted and you have managed to contact your DD. As others have said, you could message her and even if she doesn’t respond, at least she knows you are there for her. You’re a good Mum and she knows that.
Scaredycat good to hear from you. Lovely posts to all as usual. I hope you are ok.

It’s taken me ages to write this post as I’ve had so many interruptions. Nothing bad but phone calls, DGS not really settling tonight (he stays here on Wednesday and Thursday) and my older dog too! Hoping for a restful sleep tonight and wish the same for you all too. Love to all those not personally mentioned too xx

HVDY I thought that if it was COPD that the inhaler should help but I'm not sure. My DH isn't coughing very much at all - it's mostly wheezing on exertion. I wish you could get a proper GP instead of the nurse. (Oh I see what you mean about the lady from MH group) As I said, we've nothing in common but that we were both in the MH 'recovery plan sessions-8weeks.
Scaredycat Thankyou for your kind words to us all. * Doodle* is so right- I couldn't put it better. You have suffered more loss than most but you remain so caring - I thank you.
Doodle Yes lady phoned back yesterday wanting to meet up again.
I'm glad you planted that tree ,it's a great thing to focus on and as it grows its a growing live memorial. So vivid you describing holding your DH's hand-- I'm sure he will be beside you.
Don't like describing the pain as it sounds like I'm moaning but it's not the IC pain it's everywhere in all my joints ,sometimes aches or shooting pains and the stiffness is so tight and hurts to move.
You are so right about Scaredycat and I'm sure speak for all of us. Hope you sleep well.
Night all.x

Thank you everyone for your comments. sweet DS took the cats. Except my one. Binks was one they took and 5 others. I really do agree that him moving away triggered losing DH as while DS was here I could pretend DH was at work. However I have made a decision. I am selling up and moving closer to DD. Which in turn means I will halve the amount of time it will take to see DS.

Wyllow I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I hope you will be able to get out with your carer. Is it shopping day?
HVDY I don’t know much about COPD but if the inhalers aren’t working I’d go back and see her again. Maybe she could explain things a bit better. I think you said you had a spirometry check soon. That’s the one that determines COPD isn’t it?
Sweetpeasue it must be awful not being able to make plans or worry about how you will feel in the day. Sorry the pain is so bad. Is the lady you are meeting the one from the MH group that you didn’t meet the other day?
Are the pains you’re getting now due to your IC or something else do you think?
Scaredycat I have been a bit better today thank you. Still very anxious but trying not to get so upset. I went for a walk today to visit the tree I bought for Dh, all the way there I was imagining him holding my hand. It is a walk we have done together so many times. I even met someone Dh used to talk to and talking to him I felt so much that Dh should have been there too.
I think we are the lucky ones to have you as our friend. No one has suffered more loss than you yet you’re always so kind and caring to others. I think you’re a lovely kind hearted person and we are lucky to have you with us.

Hi all
Doodle- oh it must have frightened you so much to feel those strong emotions and taken your confidence away. But now you have experienced those awful feelings and realise why you feel so bad . You have lost your lifelong companion who was always there to listen and give you help and reassurance. But you have his memory and his wisdom which will never leave you. I,m hoping peace of mind will return for you as you find the acceptance that is sometimes so elusive and very hard. Your DH left you with such a legacy of love.
Wyllow- you had some wise friends- such a good way to take pressure off each other.
It’s good you can still WhatsApp your Sister sometimes and keep lines of communication open. You must miss those long chats but you,ll have them to look forward to when you feel stronger.
Hope today wit( your carer went well and you were able to open up a bit.
HVDY- Doodles idea of the police cadets might be something to help your GD1. It’s hard for young people to find their place isn’t it.
Think you’re right about your,immune system - you really have had more than your fair share of health problems lately.
Is your DH getting on well with the CPAP machine?
Nadateturbe- so sorry life is being so unkind to you. Do hope there are some times when you can do your Art or just get out a bit. Thank you for sending us hugs- sending,one right back.
SweetPeaSue- what a surprise to get a call back from the MH lady . I hope you have a nice relaxed time together. She could be a real kindred spirit- fingers crossed.
At least you tried with the Book Club. It’s so daunting for you when you have such horrible unpredictable pain. Pushing yourself is something only you can judge. I do push myself a lot physically but I don’t have the pain that you have to endure so it’s different.

So many of you are suffering in one way or another both physically and mentally. You are such brave people and I,m proud to have you as my friends. Wishing you all happier times and peace of mind.

nadateturbe Sorry you're not feeling too good. Hope things improve for you soon.

SweetpeaSue Thank you. The inhaler isn't helping at all. The Nurse Practitioner said my lungs sounded clear, but the wheezing is coming from my throat/upper chest. If it's not an infection and not Asthma, perhaps it is COPD as she said. I haven't smoked for 37 years. Having pain all the time as you do must get you down. Well done on trying the book club, even if you left early. I hope tomorrow will be better for you and that you manage to meet the lady (don't take on all her problems, though)

Oh please don't think thatNadateturbe
I'm not brave at all- you are the brave one and have suffered for many years and often unable to go out at all.
I know your DH tries to help and mine does too.
Yes, I think being there for half the time-- rather than giving up completely.
Sending love.x

Oh Sweetpeasue I so feel for you. You're very brave. Even being there half the time is ok. I do that sometimes.
Thanks for thinking of me.x

Ah thankyou so much Nadateturbe I'm sorry you're not feeling great too.
So much sadness- yes there is and thankyou for your prayers. I often think of you as ,though you've ME to cope with too , I sympathise with the not knowing when you'll be well enough to do something. Much ❤️.
Wyllow Hope your day is better today with having the carer. I thought of yourself and finding it difficult to get out, when that lady called me. Anyway, surprise- she called me yesterday to arrange another day ( though she still sounded upset). We arranged to meet tomorrow- I'm so hoping I'll feel better.
Doodle Hope you're feeling better today. Where do all these tears come from- I'm another who looks a state after crying. None of these actresses on TV get it authentically right do they?
I hope the family upset is feeling more 'sorted ' now.
HVDY You've such a lot to cope with and you don't complain. I'm sure some things get worse during stressful times too. My DGD is 13 and she too has started to find school boring. It's a difficult age and it's hard for parents to know what to do at times. I hope your inhaler helps with the wheezing - bitterly cold weather won't help .

Not forgetting NannyG4, Nanny2507, LucyD and others having a hard time right now.

I went to book group this afternoon but have had to admit to pain and leave early. Felt so silly. Didn't go at all last couple of weeks . I got right up to the door last week but felt so awful turned home again. Difficult yo sit on hard chair for 2hrs when all body is stiff and shooting pain. Not sure what to do for the best. Trying to push myself but don't know if it's making it worse. I can't just give up- though I want to.
Meeting lady tomorrow afternoon . Don't want to let her down. Catch 22.

Take care everyone. Hugs to all . It's good to be able to share- thankyou.x

Giving you all a much needed big hug. Not feeling great either.
So much sadness and grief, and problems to cope with in life.
Praying that we all stay strong and have better days soon.x

Doodle Family worry is difficult anyway, but it must be even harder to cope with when your rock has gone. Hugs. The police cadets might be a good idea. I'll suggest it to her and Son1 when I see them.

Nanny2507 You're suffering the loss of your family moving away. It's not a bereavement like losing your husband, but a loss all the same, so that's perhaps why it's brought the loss of your husband to the fore. Hugs for you, too.

Wyllow3 Sorry your day was bad. Hope your tum is better now, and that you have a better day with your carer coming. My immune system must be low (I have Vasculitis, an autoimmune condition, so it means that I get things easily).

Hope ALL BDers manage to have abetter day x

You did really well with the lady, Sweetpeasue Accpeting “where she was” and pointing her to the worker. Wise not to push. In the past I’ve had friends where we always have a sort of rule where its OK for either of us to postpone and “no hard feelings” which takes the pressure off I’m so sorry you’re low and in pain today.

HVDY I’ve got nice cosy duvet like you. I’m glad your eyes are better but the wheezing must be difficult, it sounds like your immune system is very low.
It’s worrying with your GD1. I hope she can somehow find something to catch her interest so school is easier. Tough for her to be big and stand out.

I don’t speak to my sister atm *Scaredycat. Sometimes WhatsApp. It’s always OK with her when I’m well we talk for ages but it doesnt work out so well when I’m as bad as I am atm.

Your post, as ever, is so lovely to read. I hope you are OK today yourself as well as thinking of BD’s.

nanny2507 it sounds like son moving has been a massive trigger bringing it all back about DH. The loss may seem smaller, but the original one was not - hugs.

Aw, Doodle, it’s really hitting you hard, so many things to face alone is hard, and the family worry, and like nanny2507 its triggered the big loss - so very sorry Just - hugs…hoping things get just a bit better soon.

Very bad day mood wise. Couldn’t get anything together and tum bad. Carer tomorrow .

Sweetpeasue thank you so much. You’re very kind. Xx

Doodle I'm so very sorry that you are feeling so bereft and alone with the recent family worry . It must be so awful when you can't share those personal family concerns with your other half and talk about them. I know how very much you love your DGS so I do hope this particular thing will get resolved . It's so hard to see someone we love in distress. You are having a particularly bad time lately- your poor eyes with so many tears. This will pass ,Doodle, and sending prayers and love.
Nanny2507 It's going to take some time for you to get used to this living without your son and DIL and DGD. The house must seem so much quieter now. Wish I knew what to say but wanted to say something. Binks and your other animals need you and I hope you manage to come up with a plan for your little dog. There are some good crates about though a muzzle is another suggestion that has been made. Sending you love at this difficult time for you and a hug.

Sorry can't write more tonight.
So many tears and I sincerely hope everyone with heavy hearts tonight feel a little better tomorrow.xxxx

Scaredycat the upset with our grandson is the first thing since Dh died and it had frightened me how much I’ve been affected. I’ve always been a worrier but have had Dh here to talk to. I now find it’s made missing him so much worse and I’m back to where I was months ago. I cried coming out of the hairdresser today because Dh always used to pick me up. I’ve been to the hairdresser several times over the months but not been as bad as today.
I’m hoping I’ll settle down again . Yes I’m looking forward to church tomorrow. Bereavement group is Thursday and I’m wondering how I’ll cope.
HVDY I wonder if your DGD would consider joining police cadets or something else with more structure to it and less girly. Hope she’s ok.
Nanny it’s because you’ve had a big upheaval and it’s brought missing your Dh back into focus. It’s easier to cope when life is just plodding on but when something upsetting happens we feel the strong need to be with the person who supported us most. Sending you a big hug. Xx

scaredy thank you. X

doodle I'm the same. My son moving out has effected me like my DH has died all over again. I'm am crying for hours. Spent 45 minutes in my boss office today just crying. I am bereft and all that has happened is he's moved. I don't understand why.

Hi all
HVDY- sounds a lovely day yesterday- I must admit it is nice to have some kind of plan for our days isn’t it. I can’t sit and do nothing so always have a pile of stuff by my chair with iPad,crossword, newspapers , a book and my photos . It’s a bit like a nest!! We enjoy going out like you do - can’t wait for it to warm up though.
It seems your GD1 is at a school that doesn’t inspire or stimulate her . What a shame as she is really just bored.
Glad your eyes feel better and hope they stay that way.
Lucyd- I expect you feel disappointed as well as cross at the thoughtless spending by your DS and DiL. It’s not a nice feeling to be taken for granted.
Glad you enjoyed a nice outing to lift your spirits.
Nanny- so sorry you are feeling so unhappy. Totally understandable but it will improve given time. It does seem a shame for such a tiny dog to spoil your chance to see your DD and GDs. He can’t help being scared but is there any chance he would wear a muzzle?
One thing though - you are very much needed whether it feels like it or not. Your children love you and will always need you.
Please believe me they would care so much if they knew how you feel.
I feel desperately sad for your situation though. Once this horrible Winter finishes you can look to future visits and the sun will shine again.
Wyllow- so glad you feel safe here and can speak freely.You are right we do protect our families but maybe sometimes they need to know how we feel. Are you able to speak with your sister?
It’s good you are taking on board the coffee/garden ideas. There’s no rush but just considering them is a good step forward. One of those tomorrows you,ll feel stronger and you can take the first step. We’re all rooting for youxx
SweetPeaSue- Your kindness and sympathetic manner always helps.
So sorry the pain exacerbates your feeling of exhaustion - it must be so difficult.
Sorry the MH lady postponed your meeting - she was probably as nervous as you were. Don’t feel sad you helped by being there for her. You don’t need more worries at the moment so wait and see what happens.
Doodle- I,m so sad for you at the moment. Every time a new situation or problem arises you miss your DH so terribly- he was a very special man. What a blessing your Church is - so glad it gives you so much comfort.
You must look like a little panda with your black eyes - they’ll be ok after a restful sleep. Hope you,ve been able to get out in the sun today. Enjoy Church tomorrow.
Nanny- we have a PPG group at our surgery too. Must be interesting to be involved with.
Haven’t seen the BJ film but I believe it has been very well liked but not if it upsets you.
Your GDs will love the Cat Cafe - I can’t wait to go again.
Take care and I hope your chat with the Revd is beneficial for you.

Love to all BDS and wishing you strength to deal with your difficult times xx

Doodle She is bored. Several of the Geography lessons were telling the pupils about a black man who had been shot by police. The French teacher told them that she's bisexual. My Son1 is regularly on the 'phone to the school. GD1 used to play football and rugby, but doesn't want to join anything at the moment. I suspect she's self-conscious about her size - 5ft 7, shoe size 8, clothes 16. She's got such a lovely nature.

nanny if he’s that small couldn’t you take him with you but put him in a crate while you visit your daughter and granddaughter.
How are you feeling today? I’m not doing at all well at the moment either. Any problem is exacerbated by the fact Dh isn’t here to be with me. I was doing ok up to this week but I’m crying a lot at the moment. Went to sit fit and cried all the way home. I hate this feeling.
Wyllow im sure you do understand. If you feel like this all the time I’m amazed you cope at all. It’s such an awful feeling.
I have always worried about our family but have kept it to myself and DH. Now I am worried about them and about me
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry your meet up didn’t go as planned. Good she phoned you though and you were able to help point her in the right direction. Sorry you’re feeling low too. What a state we’re all in. Hope the pain is more manageable today.
HVDY your DGD sounds bored, shame lessons aren’t more stimulating. Does she belong to any groups like brownies or cadets of some kind. That might spike her interest,
Glad your eyes are better,

Wyllow3 You're right, we don't tell our families everything, to protect them. They've all got their own lives. This is a safe place here.

SweetpeaSue That's a shame the lady cancelled. She's perhaps got a lot of anxiety or something. See if she gets in touch but it might be best not to get too involved. Hope you have a better day today.

Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

LucyD It must be annoying to see your son and his wife spend money on things they don't need (another pet) when you've been so generous to them. I certainly wouldn't help them any more with bills. It was bitterly cold here yesterday. I bought a thicker duvet (7.5 tog), king size, so that it hangs over the sides of the bed. I was nice and cosy last night.

Nanny 2507 I'm sorry you feel so low. Could you get someone to look after the dog for the day so that you might visit your daughter?

NannyG4 Yes, I'm sure your grandson must miss his grandad. He sounds a caring young man.

Doodle Sorry you're having such a bad time. I hope that whatever it is can be resolved soon. I talk to my husband all the time and can't imagine what it would be like without him. My GD1 isn't a bad girl, she just keeps being silly in lessons and then gets sent out - or sometimes she walks out of the classroom. The school has very poor Ofsted reports, but the only other one in their area would be a 3 mile walk (no bus there). She gets frustrated/bored/disillusioned with school. My eyes are fine now, thanks (just this wheezing and coughing all day and night).

So much sadness . I wish I could be of real help.
MH lady called on the morning to say not up to meeting. Quite upset. Reassured her no worry and left her to get in touch when she felt like it. She's in touch with MH worker so when I asked if she wanted to talk and she seemed not to could only point her gently to that particular worker, which is what she wanted. Think she's got quite severe difficulties. Can't say more. Feel sad I couldn't help but I don't really know her at all so not going to push.
Felt so low and painful today, very tired but I know I'm so lucky.
Thoughts and prayers with Nanny2507,
NannyG4, but also all who are feeling so alone. xxx̌

Just very tired so not writing much, had MH worker and supermarket. I know my situation is very different but I really do understand some of the "worst" feelings on here and think lots good there is a safe space to express them.

I reflected today this is the only space I'll say them really except for professionals - we sort of protect our families, don't we?

Back in tomorrow. I am listening to advice about coffee and gardens.At this time of night I think I'll do something tomorrow then tomorrow comes and its reverted to just coping.

doodle he's a chihuahua mix. Frightened of his own shadow but reacts by biting. When the girls are calm he's fine but all it takes is 1 sudden movement. He doesn't break the skin but it's still not acceptable