Black Dog 24

Well I’ve collected DH’s ashes, it really was so upsetting, just glad my DD and granddaughter were with me. I do now feel he is home with me and do feel comfort. Just waiting for the jewellery to be delivered..

Thankyou to each and everyone of you for your kind words, it means so much.

I hope you are as well as you can be……please forgive me for not mentioning you by name but I love to read all your news, both happy and sad and send you all love prayers……❤️🙏💐

Scaredycat thank you for your kind words. I’ve been to the hospice today with fiends and had a pleasant afternoon chatting and knitting and people watching. Had a lovely visit for a cute little dog who got so excited he jumped in my knitting bag on the floor. 🤣
It is amazing the things they do these days with pacemakers. When I have a check up they can control my heart remotely with a computer. They can speed it up or slow it down. It feels odd but I think it’s working ok. I’m certainly not nearly as breathless as I was before,
HVDY DH and I were very happy together. It was lovely. I have been feeling strange over the last few days and today I suddenly thought it could be described as nostalgia. Being places I went with Dh and missing being there with him.
What a lovely day out you had with the children and the steam trains. I love those old trains. I can remember going to the seaside with my parents when I was young. We went to Paddington station and caught the train from there. I was really scared of the big engines and the noise but it was exciting too.
Sweetpeasue that’s really nice. Yes Dh was very special and lovely. We got on well.
How nice to receive an invitation from your son. Hope you both feel well enough to go. You’ve had a busy day. I’ve only cleaned the kitchen floor and put the washing on.
Nanny I too felt better for having DH’s ashes home. Like he was where he should be again. Hope this is a better week for you and you get some rest.
Wyllow glad you came in even though you’re not up to posting much. It’s just good to know you’re with us. Hooping this coming week is a better one for you. Xx

It was sunny here too Scaredycat, I’m glad you got some sitting out in the sun. You didn’t say if you’d been tempted by items in the outlet centre….

It was nice to read about the steam train HVDY. Always loved them. You got the right day for the weather ..I hope GD 1 and 2 enjoyed it.

You did a lot in the house today, Sweetpeasue. I hope the blood test for DH gives useful results. I’m really hoping that you feel up to dinner tomorrow with Son 2.

I’m so glad that DD and granddaughter were with you NannyG4, and that it feels a comfort.

You have a lot to deal with, with the pacemaker, Doodle.It was a good day to sit quietly at the hospice.

Thank you for your kind words everyone
Today I meant to get out for a walk but just couldn’t after a bad night. Didn’t dress. Not good I know. Like self punishing but hard to fight it.
My granddaughter’s feet have stayed straight but it’s a long haul trying to get her legs strong enough for weight-bearing, really important as the heavier she gets the harder it is or she’ll be in a wheelchair not able to use a walker.

Night night all, take care BD’s.

SweetpeaSue It was a good day to get washing on the line. I love the smell of it when it's been out. I hope your husband's headache goes soon. Perhaps his steroids will be increased? I hope you both feel well enough to go to your son's today.

NannyG4 I'm glad you had company and that you feel comfort from "having him home".

Doodle Smart technology these days! It's clever stuff. My husband's sleep apnoea can be monitored by the hospital, and a friend of mine with Diabetes has his monitored via a thing he wears on his arm. Will you see family today?

Wyllow I hope today will be brighter for you and that you slept better last night. Fingers crossed that your GD manages to stand and walk as she gains strength.

EllieAnne How are you?

I had a terrible night, coughing and wheezing. My DH suggested something I hadn't considered - an allergy to Jaffa. I Googled it, obviously and it appears allergic reactions to cats can happen in later life (we'd gone almost 2 years without a cat when he came along). I wouldn't rehome him, but I'll try antihistamines and we've bought an air purifier for the bedroom. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Hi all
NannyG4 - I,m glad you had company to bring DH ashes home
And that in doing so you feel comforted. The jewellery will mean a great deal to the recipients- it’s a lovely idea.
Doodle- the Hospice sounds such a restorative place for you.
How sweet you had a doggy visit- he must have been really tiny.
I,m glad the pacemaker has helped with your breathlessness .
Your relationship with your DH was special- as you did so many things together many places must hold memories.
Nostalgia is a gentle word to sum up your feelings- gentle l8ke your DH.
Wyllow- yep I gave in to temptation and bought a Radley bag for everyday with pockets etc and I,m really pleased with it.
I so wish you could be kinder to yourself. You are a good person who has been treated so unkindly- you don’t deserve punishment of any kind. Hope you,ve managed to have a better day today.
HVDY- D.H. Might have a point. I guess an allergy could develop at any time. I hope the antihistamines help. Does Jaffa sleep on your bed?
Glad you all enjoyed the trains - what a fun and interesting day.
As I told Wyllow yes I bought a bag. I bought a new one last year but found it very user unfriendly so just went for this one without faffing!
EllieAnne- hope the weekend hasn’t been too hard for you to deal with and you were able to see friends at Church.

To all those not mentioned and just reading hope today has brought some brighter moments.

ScaredyCat I've got several bags, but seem to stick with 2 favourites. I don't like anything massive, do you? My friend bought me one a couple of years ago - 1 10lb bag of potatoes would fit in it, plus my usual stuff . Jaffa sleeps on my bed some nights but is downstairs all day - if both of us go upstairs (me cleaning, perhaps and DH changing his clothes, for example, Jaffa comes up. He doesn't like being alone much.

nannyg4 I hope you are OK. I have jewellery, xmas Dec's and a teddy with DH ashes in. I also bought the most beautiful urn to bring him home in. It's been nearly 2 years for me. I'm here if you want to "chat" sending love.
Much love to all this evening xx

Wyllow what a worry about your granddaughter. Does she have specialist Physiotherapy? The pacemaker doesn’t bother me Wyllowmy own health sort of ceased to be an issue when my DH died. Before then I was worried in case something happened to me. The pacemaker just jogs along quietly in the background.
HVDY I don’t usually see family at the weekends they are busy. That’s ok they know I have church on Sunday and go out with my friend Saturday.
An allergy is certainly something you should consider but it might not be Jaffa. I’ve had an itchy throat to pray and sneezed a few times. I was thinking about a cold but then I remembered it’s February and I’m allergic to trees when they start to shoot. I will take some antihistamine too.
Scaredycat funny enough I was back at the hospice today. Another friend wanted to go there for a chat. Had a nice afternoon. I love it there.
Church this morning and coffee there before hospice. Such lovely people. Hope you’ve had a good day.
Sweetpeasue was it today you were going to your sons for a meal. If so, hope all went well. Hope the weekend hasn’t been too bad for you

HVDY DH started on 20mg for Polymyalgia, then up to 40mg when GCA headaches began. He's been on them over a Yr now and went down to 5mg a couples of weeks ago but told to go up to 7mg when Polymyalgia symptoms restarted. He worse today, still has headache so he's most likely going to have to go up higher.
So sorry about your awful night. I really hope it's not Jaffa. Antihistamine good idea. Hope tonight is better for you.
NannyG4 I'm so sorry for your grief and heartbreak and glad you now have your DHs ashes home with you.
I'm sure your DD and GD will feel comforted to have the jewellery. I too think it's a great idea. x
Nanny2507 Sending love to you and hoping you're ok. Kind of you to offer a listening ear to NannyG4.
Scaredycat I too have an 'awkward' bag. It zips up then folds over into a bag so I have to unfold it and try fishing about in it to 'feel' for purse ,phone or diary. I think I've put up with it for long enough.
Doodle Glad for your nice day at hospice yesterday. You've made so many new friends and it shows how much goodness there is in people and how many show kindness in such difficult times. That pacemaker is amazing - I hadn't realise the equipment was so sophisticated. The little dog jumping into your knitting bag made me smile - they do get excited don't they.
Wyllow Hoping you have a better day tomorrow and you cope with your shopping. Punishing yourself will hammer your self esteem down so much. Hugs.x

Went out for a coffee with DH late morning and he looks so unwell.
Managed to go to son's for dinner and nice chat with DIL and her mum - DGS was there too. Didn't stop as DH headache still there.
He showed me what he thought were bruises above ankles yesterday and was bewildered how he'd got them. Thought it odd to get bruised on both legs so googled it and thinks it's down to Vascular Insufficiency or something but he's not well. Purple blotches much bigger today so I'm making him go to Dr's again tomorrow. I'm so worried .

Wishing all a peaceful night. Sorry if I haven't mentioned everyone today.x

S

Doodle Crossed posts. Glad you had company today. That hospice is such a wonderful place and they are so needed.
Thanks I've not been too bad. Couldn't sleep so up googling the marks on DHs legs.
Hope you sleep well tonight and you see people tomorrow. X

Doodle I Googled "cat allergy" and the shortness of breath, coughing and wheezing are symptoms. If it is that, I wouldn't consider letting Jaffa go. He's a lovely cat, has settled so well, and with FIV (and future health problems due to it), he wouldn't be easy to rehome anyway. Glad you had a nice time with friends at the hospice. What a very worthwhile place it is.

SweetpeaSue It sounds as though he needs to be on a higher dose. Strange about the marks on your husband's legs. Hope he gets to see, or at least speak with, a GP tomorrow. Glad you were able to go to your son's. What did you have? My DH made a roast beef dinner - Jaffa turned his nose up at freshly-cooked beef (ungrateful thing).

It's rained all day here today, so we stayed in. Didn't get dressed until noon although I'd been up since 7 (rough night again). DH did the vacuuming, I polished and mopped. (we have exciting times here ) Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

HVDY We had lots of veg, gammon that was lovely and tender, and pork with crackling. Fancy Jaffa not wanting roast beef!
So sorry for another rough night for you.Hope it's better tonight. x

Can't sleep. Pain as usual but just so worried about DH.
Feel so lonely about it. Wish I could understand what's happening.

So sorry to hear of your horrible night, HVDY
Oh no, I cant bear the idea it might be Jaffa. I hope keeping him out of the bedroom might do enough alongside the anti-histamanes. Good joint domestics with your DH.

I’m glad you treated yourself to the bag, Scardeycat. I had to look them up, they are really lovely bags.

My day was slightly better as it was doing a wash and having a shower day, but I cant shake the self punishment.

Warm wave nanny2507.

Doodle she does get some physio, not as much as ideal, but they can pay. I dont know if they have the time to do work with her on her legs at school. But she does get about on hands and knees.

The hospice is so good for you Doodle. Glad you went back after church.

It’s so distressing for you Sweetpeasue to see DH so ill and not knowing what it’s really all about. Yes, definitely the doctors tomorrow for him.

I’m up late so reading you not sleeping. Hugs sent across the lonely gap.

Tum is never right. Swollen and never "going" properly. Sigh. Shop tomorrow.

Night night BD’s socially Sweetpeasue if you are still up.

Dear Wyllow thankyou so much. So good to know someone cares. Sleep well.x

Hi all

We,ve just had our other friend with dementia and her son round for lunch. So nice to see them both. Her illness affects her differently from my other friend but both make me feel so sad for them. Had bad news from my GD2 whose FiL has become gravely ill in a very short time- a lovely family man and loved by all. They have a tough time ahead.
HVDY- no I don’t like big bags either - they make my shoulders ache apart from anything else.
Jaffa sounds such a lovely friendly boy- he is such a part of your family now that no way would you even consider rehoming him- neither would I. Fancy turning down Roast Beef- perhaps he wanted Horseradish sauce!😸
Nanny2507- so nice of you to reach out to NannyG4.
Doodle- Oh dear it must be difficult for you when the trees start to come alive again. Things are certainly starting to emerge now aren’t they- our teeny daffs are nearly out.
It’s lovely for you if you don’t see family at weekends to be able to visit the Hospice. It is a peaceful and healing place for many.
I had a nice day thank you. Walked round to DD and had coffee and a chat. GD3 was there too so a double treat. She is moving into their first home soon and we,ll all miss her. Somewhere there will be a kitten with their name on it to rescue.
SweetPeaSue- time to treat yourself to a new bag- that one sounds really annoying!!
I,m so sorry that your DH has another problem and hope he got to see the Doc today.
Glad you were ok to have lunch wit( your DS- what a lovely meal he made. Hope your DiL s Mum is doing OK- nice to have a chat with her too.
I hope you were able to sleep eventually- night time worries do make you feel alone and also magnify them too.
Ah Wyllow was there for you.
Wyllow- you kept busy yesterday - so wish you could rid yourself of the need to self punish. Could you not show yourself some compassion instead? You are only human and full of self doubt but you deserve another chance at happiness and if you treat yourself with kindness instead it might help you heal.
Hope the shopping trip went well- I always think of you on Monday and wonder how it’s going. Especially in the “goodies” bit!
Love to all mentioned or not. Hope you’re all having a better day

The trouble with depression is your mind goes into overdrive and you can’t sleep, which in turn makes everything much worse. Everything passes but somehow at the time its little comfort. Sending best wishes to everyone going through it.

Sweetpeasue - what a worrying time for you and your husband. I just wish the doctors could give you some answers.
HVDY2 - certainly sounds like some sort of allergy but I am with Doodle and think it may be a reaction to some plant or tree that is coming out as we move into Spring. Fingers crossed it isn't Jaffa though I would have thought you would have had a reaction as soon as you got him.
Doodle - you really are amazing. Despite your grief you are doing your utmost keep busy - I know how hard it is. I feel that in the past couple of years I have really slipped back (initially due to my poor mobility and pain pre op and then moving house and then moving to the caravan). Before that I was in a ladies group, went out with friends, etc. Think I have just got into the habit of working as much as I can, driving home, shutting the door and that is it. You are an inspiration.
NannyG4 - I am glad you have DH back home. Like Nanny2507 I am sure you will be comforted be his presence. I chat to DH's photos every day (over 6 years now and miss him so very much) and if I close my eyes it is as if he was still here.
Wyllow - you are so hard on yourself. If only you could see the good in you and as Scaredycat says show yourself some compassion. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves and self critical - I tortured myself after DH died as the 3 years before that were the most stressful of our entire relationship - 28 years with scarcely a cross word then those three years of unpleasantness due to my dh's difficult relationship with our then teenage sons, especially the older boy, ( the boys weren't actually that troublesome but dh had a very strict upbringing himself and I was always "piggy in the middle"). In the end I had to stop beating myself up or I would have driven myself mad.
Still light up here and will be till 6pm. Am so glad the evenings are getting lighter. Caravan reached 19degrees today as the sun was shining after a very stormy weekend ( but thats the rain just on agsin!) A busy week ahead as working till next Monday - March and April also very busy workwise but then I am stepping back from doing extra hours.
Love to all. I hope you are all having as good a day as you can. Xx

SweetpeaSue What a delicious dinner you had yesterday. Sorry you had a bad night. Those worries are always worse at night, aren't they? Did your husband manage to see or speak with a GP today?

Wyllow3 You need to work on your self-confidence. You're a kind, caring, intelligent lady with much to give. Your ex has left you with doubts, but you deserve to have a happy life. Did you get anything nice from shopping?

ScaredyCat What a shame about your friend. Dementia is terrible. I expect your GD and the family concerned will all rally round to help her FIL. Can he have treatment? I forget your GDs are so grown-up. Hope your GD3 settles into her new place ok soon.

It's been a busy day - LittleGirl was here at 8. GD1 and GG2 here as well, as their schools had an inset day. Went to a playgroup, the girls busied themselves with baby, then we all had a pub lunch, did a bit of shopping and went to the park and fed the geese and ducks, then back here. Son2 and DIL collected baby. DH just taken the other GDs home.

How has everyone else been today? x

Sorry I have not been around. Last week was very difficult with worry about Ill friends and other stuff. But I’m still reading and thinking about everyone.

Ellie Anne I wondered how you were doing. So sorry to hear about your friends. Have you had any contact with your DD. Hope she’s ok.
Sweetpeasue what sort of marks are on your DH’s legs? If they’re purple or like a brown stain it could well be vascular insufficiency. I hope you got to see the GP today and have some idea what’s going on.
Glad you had a nice meal with family Sunday.
HVDY how lucky Jaffa is to have found a home with you. I hope you are feeling a bit better.
How lovely to have all three DGDs together for a day. I bet the older two loved being with the baby. I bet you’re tired tonight
Lucyd thank you. I go out often just to keep myself busy. The busier I am the less I can think. Such a shame your Dh had problems with your sons. Teenage years can be so difficult.
Thank you for saying you still speak to your Dh. I talk to mine all the time. I think it’s good you are cutting down work soon. It sounds like an exhausting schedule.
Wyllow the problems with your tum don’t help you feel better. Have you seen the doctor about it? Hope today you managed to get out for a shopping trip. Hope you sleep better tonight.
Scaredycat sorry to hear about your GD2s father in law. He sounds a nice man. Glad you had a nice time with your DD and GD3. I wonder what sort of kitten she’ll have. Do you think she’ll get one soon after moving?
Allsorts thanks for popping in. You always write something nice.
I’ve been out to lunch with other grandma. Had a nice meal but I’m full now. Good job I’m going to sit fit tomorrow I need to work it off,
Sleep well all

Sorry can't write much tonight as not great but thankyou all for caring comments- you've all got your own problems.
Doodle DHs quite large patches are as you describe a purple colour- I googled it too and looks like Vascular Insufficiency. Appts all took up with 'our 'GP by time we got through. He's on tomorrow so hopefully get one then. He's still got headache too.
Allsorts You're so right - nighttime is the worst for feelings of despair. Thankyou for coming in.

So hope you all sleep well and tomorrow is kind to you all. ❤️

Caught up with you all xx kind and thoughtful day in here but I've had poorly tum and exhaustion again, going to the supermarket and having to rush to loo in the middle, an having to hassle on meds mood bad can't say much individually but have "heard" you all and Lucyd apt comments re your DH and beating yourself up. Back in tomorrow
xx

Night night BD's.

Doodle I messaged her Sunday and got a very brief reply.