I think my adult daughter has BorderlinePersonalit y Disorder and

Iam64

keepingquiet- thanks

And thanks from me.

keepingquiet- thanks

Mmm... that's a very loaded statement to make about a diagnosis very few people know about, including mental health professionals.

I consider myself an 'expert' on this disorder because I live with it on a day to day basis.

Only the people who listen to you will be 'successful?' In something for which no real treatment is offered? That is some claim there...

Could you provide some evidence please?

Glad to hear that because it can be a difficult and troubling journey for all involved and it is important that family members are able to support their loved ones fully. Let us be clear in that from the start. Such a diagnosis may cause pain for all and topics will emerge that are rather difficult to deal with but must be withstood for the best results. That is I am afraid the best advice I can give for those able to hear it and I do stand by it because those who are able to hear it will be the most successful.

That's what I thought, Iam64 but then the trauma in childhood doesn't need to be by the parents, it could be a third party. However, my daughter's father suffers from psychopathic personality disorder and my mother is a narcissist so I suspect that there is a genetic predisposition along with events that triggered that disorder. I think with my daughter, she never stood a chance. Her father was so vile when I was pregnant, I suspect she was damaged before she was even born. She then went on to have some really traumatic experiences which were nothing to do with me and that further compounded the damage. My daughter tells me that the research she has done has shown her there is definitely a genetic component.
My son has the same father but as I was only 7 weeks pregnant when I left him, he didn't experience the same problems his sister had. He has a totally different personality and I am convinced that my more stable emotional pregnancy and his calmer childhood meant that genetic component was never triggered.

Luminance, I may be misunderstanding the point you’re trying to make but my impression is that you’re determined to put blame on parents. To make posters discussing the worries they have about their adult children, their desire to continue to support in the hope of positive change or progress, feel guilty.

It’s clear posters here are well aware of the role if genetics and trauma in the development of health problems.

Genetics certainly account for the biological markers but the disorder like many are often triggered by trauma or stress in childhood. This happens in much the same way physical conditions are triggered by trauma or stress in childhood. Young brains are forming new connection continuously, those connections may go awry or never form at all. The genetic component may be triggered or not triggered or severe trauma can create the adverse connection that wasn't there before.

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In family life there are always 'issues.' He lived with his father as an adult for a few years, his choice. His father's death a few years ago also affected him very deeply. Are these the sort of 'issues' you mean?

I am not a believer in the 'sins of the father...' idea either. Genetics, yes I can believe there may be genetic pre-dispositions as well as, maybe in place of, childhood trauma.

So there were issues with his father growing up? Perhaps father had similar issues too.

How do they access therapy if they don't think they have a problem though?

I gave up on counselling years ago because it didn't help much at all. I wasn't the one with the problem.

My son was not abused, neglected emotionally or physically. He inherited his problems from his father, in some ways they are exactly the same especially when it comes to managing money.

His father functioned 'normally' in the world and worked all his life, but admitted he was much better on his own than with others. I think more needs to be done to find genetic links rather than looking for serious abuse in childhood.

With those suffering borderline personality disorder we find some frightening trends. Around half physically neglected, half emotionally abused, around a third physically abused, sexually abused or emotionally neglected as children. As adults they typically have more estranged relationships and higher instance employment issues which leads to worsening symptoms as we are social animals. Therapy can help address this but with most things it is the causes being addressed that alleviates the symptoms. It is so important to support the person suffering and take ownership where childhood milestones have been missed to help those lost tools to be put in place as an adult. Rather hard for all involved.

Yes, he has had working from home jobs and is supposed to be doing an on-line course for which he paid thousands and hasn't passed a single unit.

He is very much an outdoors person and loves his gardening work but needs to find an alternative income next winter. This wet and cold weather hasn't helped.

You are right, like your daughter he lacks motivation to be on a screen all day. It is too much organisation for them!

If your son is better working alone, is he better off finding a job where he can work from home, keepingquiet? My daughter preferred this option but wasn't able to self-motivate.

Thankyou Allsorts- this is my thinking too. He does work mostly on his own though and finds interactions difficult which is one reason he can never keep a job. For years I tried to 'fix' him, but have now come to realise this is just how he is and probably will be for the rest of his life.

As to when I'm gone I have no control over that...

If your son can work and mix with people Keeping Quiet, encourage him to do it. Sittin in his room on a computer will
Be detrimental in every way. He has purpose and interaction at the moment.

Thanks I shall mention ESA to my son. I know someone who claims it and there is nothing wrong with her.

I am still reluctant to mention it to my son because he really loves to work and what would he do with his time if he wasn't working? I think he may get a bit depressed just being in his room all day.

Cossy

keepingquiet

He won't be able to claim PIP. He's physically fit and works hard, he just can't keep a job. In his present work he has been there a year which is very good going for him.

As for UC- he hits a brick wall everytime so although I tell him to try he has no trust in the system, so I think he's given up.

Sorry to disagree, but you can be physically fit, in work and still qualify for PIP if your mental health has an impact on your daily life.

Keepingquiet, I agree with Cossy:

www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/

This org is an amazing help and makes clear how to apply successfully. Google it.

Retroladywriting

I just wanted to say that your daughter is very lucky to have you 'on her side' so to speak.

Good luck with everything. Whatever you decide to do,when you've read all the above, I really hope it all works out for you all.

Thank you. I've found everything I've read helpful. Part of me feels sorry for all of you whose lives have been impacted by the mental illness of a close family member. This BPD (if that is what my daughter has) seems one of the hardest diagnoses to bear. I am fearful for the future, I must admit.
The psychiatrist I spoke to informally last week says the symptoms do generally diminish in a person's forites. That is something to cling on to
. Part of me, however, now feels less alone because I have read your stories.
I have no choice but to keep on going and prepare my notes for that psychiatric assessment and have faith.

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Cossy

keepingquiet

You’re correct, of course, the person needs to acknowledge that there’s a “condition” or “issue”.

my daughter with BPD, is very self aware my son, at almost 23, completely denies there is a problem other than general anxiety and hasn’t help down paid work for longer that 3 months, averaging out around 6 weeks.

It’s so frustrating and you have my every sympathy, he drives us mad!

It is finally good to know that I am not on my own!

I just wanted to say that your daughter is very lucky to have you 'on her side' so to speak.

Good luck with everything. Whatever you decide to do,when you've read all the above, I really hope it all works out for you all.

*held down not help!

keepingquiet

You’re correct, of course, the person needs to acknowledge that there’s a “condition” or “issue”.

my daughter with BPD, is very self aware my son, at almost 23, completely denies there is a problem other than general anxiety and hasn’t help down paid work for longer that 3 months, averaging out around 6 weeks.

It’s so frustrating and you have my every sympathy, he drives us mad!

Iam64

Cossy, your experience is mirrored for so many, that is a series of mental health, asd, adhd, BPD etc in one family. Of course we acknowledge childhood experiences play a part in personality and mh development. It’s important not to forget the influence of genetics

Absolutely, there is definitely a genetic link, sadly both my DH and I have a family history of mental health conditions, including ourselves, it’s no surprise our children have too.

What is a positive is that having a MiL with schizophrenia
has made us all very aware and open about some of the signs and we’ve opened discussed and explained mental health conditions to our children from a young age.

We had to, my dear MiL used to come and stay regularly and sometimes she’d refuse her meds and therefor her behaviour was very erratic, and at times, quite funny.

We explained it to our children when they were very small as “Granny having a problem with her head, but as it was on the inside you couldn’t see what was wrong unlike a broken leg or a bruised ankle”, then filled in the gaps at age appropriate times.

She was a sweet lady, who clearly loved her family dearly, but was very different from lots of grandparents, especially when having an “episode”.

She’s in residential care now having developed vascular dementia following TIA’s and is a shadow of her former self.