Looking for calm

One easy thing I think would help you, from what you've said, is to read a book about CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). You said you don't want to go to a doctor and you wouldn't have to for this and it's aimed at correcting that "mental churning" you mentioned. The reason CBT is so wildly popular is because you can do it on your own, without a therapist, if you want to.

The books/workbooks I've used basically help you become aware of and correct common thinking errors/unhelpful mental filters.

For a few examples, ruminating on things that are out of your control (general "you" there), catastrophizing, worrying about things that haven't and may not happen, assuming motives behind people's actions that may not be there (and not realizing it) and so on.

I even became aware of things that were just kind of in my stream of consciousness but that I wasn't especially aware of. Sometimes I'd just feel vaguely bad but not connect it to the thoughts and feelings behind it. Now it connects more easily and I'm able to think through it and stop the unhelpful thoughts.

My husband and I have worked our way through two different CBT books together. (It's nice to have a refresher course now and then). We'd read a chapter/lesson out loud every night or two, then discuss it. So it might be an activity to share with grumpy husband and help him out too, if he'd go for it. Good luck and happy soon-to-be retirement.

Definitely second BleuberryPie's suggestion of CBT. It will give you techniques on how to step back a little and manage the challenges you face without getting drawn in so much and imagining all the worst case scenarios.

I was feeling the same last year, I’d reduced my hours at work and that help. However after taking a week off following my Youngest DS wedding I felt really bad when I went back to work, but thought I’d feel better after another weeks holiday. On my return after my 2nd week off I just couldn’t face working another 8-9 months until I reached 66, so I handed in my notice. I’m was in fortunate that my DH was happy for me to leave, and he’s covering all our costs.

I’ve stopped listening to the news and political phone ins in the radio, just can’t take it any more. I switch over to Classic FM and although I’ve never been a huge classical music fan I’m thoroughly enjoying it and find it a great escape, and very calming.

Foxtail - see your GP urgently and explain especially the fact that you wake up in the night with worries churning around in your head. As a psychotherapist I can say without a doubt that you're suffering with anxiety and experiencing unwanted negative thoughts. The GP can prescribe talking therapy/counselling (whatever you want to call it) and you will likely get a therapist who can introduce you to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which will help put things in perspective and return you to a calmer space. As part of this you might explore what you would like to do in the future when retirement does kick in and as others have said your outlook may change. If you are normally good at looking after yourself and don't rely on medication, you will probably understand that you have to be in a good homeostatic balance before you can think of caring for others - so I would suggest accepting that your DIL, DD, DGs and DH are not your prime concerns right now. And please understand that anxiety is a reality that interplays with your nervous system, in the same way that a physical injury might so do take some time off work to begin to heal. You've been resilient in your life but when the tank's empty the car won't go - you need to recharge and that means some time away from the stressful job that's obviously a big contributor to your anxiety.

Sometimes life can be so hard Foxtail, I do feel for you.
I was feeling very similar to you during the last few years of work. I'd just had enough of it and wanted to escape.

The single change I made that really helped me was giving up alcohol. I'd kind of used it to distract and cheer me up and couldn't face losing my little 'treat'. When I did give it up I really found out how much it had been dragging me down, deadening my creativity and concentration and also disturbing my sleep with thoughts racing through my mind. After about a week of not drinking everything was clearer, lighter and easier.

Another thing that helped me and which I think stands out for me in your post is your love of the outdoors. I made a time every day to be outside in beautiful places, taking in the peace and the green. It was time just for me, to get my thoughts straight, take some fresh air and just the simple act of putting one foot in front of the other under a clear sky transformed things.

I do hope that those two things help you and that you regain some of your peace of mind soon.

See your doctor, get out in the fresh air for a walk every day, or at least at weekends, do yoga, give up the red wine. Good luck

Be strong in yourself . Don’t waste time worrying about a younger generation- you’ve done your bit and they are on their own now . Unless husband is ill or troubled he should snap out of it , pronto . People sense your state of mind and, consciously or unconsciously, play on it .
Prepare now for the rest of your life .

You certainly sound extremely run down and suffer from anxiety and I can totally relate to that. My final 12 months working were horrendous and, like you, I was drinking more & more red wine. I was lucky i was able to retire early but once an anxious person, always an anxious person and I needed help for that part of my life. I use an app recommended to me called Balance and it's all about meditation for stress, sleep focus and mood. It really has helped me a lot. I also think it's very important not to bottle your feelings up, it's so easy to tell everyone you're fine, even when you are far from it. I do find yoga helpful too.

I had a very stressful job and ended up reducing my hours a couple of years before retiring. Yes, we had to make adjustments to our spending to deal with the loss of income, but it made such a difference to my wellbeing. Agree with cutting down on the drinking - try switching to a smaller glass, this helped me!
Also agree with ceasing to fret about adult children- just leave them to it!

What are your interests/ hobbies? When do you get time for you??
Important to consider if you are going to retire in the not too distant future. Your husband needs to address his issues#. He is not your responsibility.
Take up a new hobby or go part time if you can. Exercise of some sort is very good therapy, gentle walking, swimming, park walk on Saturday if there is one near you. Join the WI , retreat to a corner to read. Please look at options

You have answered most of your worries they are not even yours., ,Don't worry about the things you can’t change, 18 months four days a week, holidays as well, will fly by. Talk to your husband as to why he is down, if he won’t let you help, concentrate on your mental health, accept those things you cannot change and focus on those you can. Would you have wanted your parents trying to sort your life out?

For your anxiety at night and waking with your mind racing you could try a Snooze band.
I recently bought one and it has helped me. Connects to your phone via Bluetooth. I listen to classical music or calming playlists. BBC Sounds is good for Podcasts and the Sleeping Forecast is also good. You can set it to automatically turn off after an hour. Comfy enough to sleep on your side.

I was feeling similar to you recently with extreme fatigue, difficulty concentrating and sleeping, racing gloomy thoughts, irritability, anxiety and low mood. Also breathlessness which made me visit my GP. I was given a long appointment and my GP did a lot of listening and referred me for several tests. All results we're ok except for my vitamin D levels which were very low. I was prescribed a very high dose of Vitamin D for 6 weeks (50,000 units weekly) followed by advice to buy and take 400 units daily. I have felt much better for this, still tired at times but energy levels, mood and outlook much improved. Able to do more and read again. Enough energy to reduce attendance at interest groups no longer serving me or treating me well and go to new groups and meet new people. I have been truly amazed by how vitamin D deficiency ruined my life.

I can relate to your situation. I use Insight Timer to help me to switch off, relax and there are loads of helpful tracks. It’s free too, unless you sign up for the plus version.

My mind races at night. In fact, I didn’t sleep at all last night. When I do wake up I listen to Jason Stephensons Get Back to Sleep Fast on utube. This morning I listened to Bob Ross on utube and he got me back to sleep ( he used to be on BBC catchup but is now on Sky Arts so I can’t access his shows). I found that his programmes that the BBC showed during the pandemic made me fall asleep; I thought it was just me until I realised that it happens to most people. I used to have Alt J’s first album ( can’t remember what it’s called) at home and never dared playing it in the car as I never got beyond track three without falling asleep even if I wasn’t tired. I also have a Shakti mat that I lie on which relaxes me although I have to cover it with some cloth. I have a much cheaper version that I can lie on without covering it or wearing a t shirt. Having said that I’ve been retired for many years so I can always catch up with sleep. If I was still working I think a visit to the doctors would be called for.

I have taken my self of to the sun for a week R and R. On my own needed to sort my head out. I have dealt with a problem hotel walked 1700 steps yesterday unheard of for me. The rest of the week I will write down what I need to work on. Sometimes doing a gratitude list also helps. I am obviously a few years older than yourself. We need to learn to like ourselves for who we are and accept the grumpy man we love. I hope this helps. Be kind to you ❤️❤️❤️

Please take some sick leave otherwise you could become seriously ill with stress. Perhaps also call a family meeting and tell them exactly what all this is doing to you and you need help. I wish I had done that instead I ended up with a heart attack

Hello, I am a health coach, used to be therapist. I would suggest you use an app called OAK meditation. It is a wonderful, user friendly tool to use, especially at night. It will teach you the techniques of deep breathing and meditation. My clients all tell me they love it.

I found out last night that I can listen to Bob Ross on utube for hours because they play black screen videos of a whole series. His voice sends me to sleep in 10-15 minutes. Going to put it on now.

I have only just got back to all the responses, thank you all so much for your experiences and suggestions. I have signed up to the Calm App which covers quite a bit of motivation/meditation/sleep stories etc. I have also decided to look for another job - difficult at my age, I know but I am going to try, I can work less hours in the right environment, I know things won't get better where I am. I love being outdoors and always felt I had to include my husband but I have talked to him, saying he is not responsible for my wellbeing and as his negativity affects my mental health then I am going to focus on my health and if that means on my own then so be it. Thanks for all the good wishes too.

Thanks for the update- I wish you all the best.

Good luck and peace.

Everyone is telling you to talk to your GP about whar you have written here but what about talking to Grumpy?

DH is dragging you down and probably knows it. Suttle abuse. A lot of newly retired have this. It is an adjustment for sure.

I have no advice except for write down the moments that you feel less stressed or less sad until you have a list to choose from. Depression is anger turned inwards. Depression occurs when we feel we lack control.

You do have control. You do have a plan. You are doing well. You can do this. You decide.

Sorry everyone. I just realized this is an old post. Hope you are well Foxtail !

Its my turn to lose my mind.