BLACK DOG 25

Hvdy I have done the drive many times but am much less confident now and also car is playing up. After the trip (if I go haven’t definitely said yes yet) I will think about changing it.
As for dh coming with me ? We have a cat who’d need looking after but as you know we don’t have a good relationship and I would be so stressed during the journey it could be dangerous. Also he spends his entire day in front of Tv or computer and she has neither. So he would sit about doing nothing.

After trying to get to see dd since before Christmas suddenly she needs a cat sitter for a week. So I will only see her briefly before and after trip if even that. But I will do it if I can.
I don’t drive far once I get there because the roads are so busy and the m 62 very scary.
Hope you all have as good a day as possible. It looks sunny outside but not too hot,

Tonight poem is very redemptive at the end, isnt it?

"Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy

Wyllow Have just listened to your music for tonight. So very touched. It's repetitive 3 notes reminded me a little of the music from Shindlers List though I'm probably wrong. It's just so emotional. Though also sad.
Do look out for yourself Wyllow. We're with you.

and todays Botanical Gardens. All round the gardens there are spots like this just no water.

I think this is an exceptional poem set to the most wonderful music, as it starts of reflectively sad, but ends up redemptive, music and poem:

It's Samuel Barber - Adagio for Strings, and the poem is Desiderata - Max Ehrmann. It's a wee bit patronising at one point but otherwise I think wonderful.

Enjoy.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dPDO3Tfab0

It’s taken 8 hours to reduce 190 pages to 41.

Still have to go down a bit more, but its in tow bits: the last week only for my psychologist who has kept up to date

Must get that down to 4 pages

And the whole things for Psychiatrist down to 30. It’s a big read, but she will rad the crucial 6 weeks I think as we are lucky to get once a year appointment.

I know that going through it all will cause an after reaction - tho of course the process is wonderful, all the feelings in there.

Black Dogs (NO MAMES) are a frequent mention 🙂

I take no offence in Black Dogs, Doodle and all - because whatever is said, is sincere and from the heart and always, always trying to help.

Of course I have thought of you a great deal over the last couple of weeks especially as you are in deep grieving ad indeed I have learnt a great deal from you, a very great deal.

You say,
“I have done the same thing. I have spent days in tears thinking of all that I should have done to save my precious man. All the things I should have done differently over the years, I was bringing myself to a point of not being able to bear another day. I decided to put all my trust in God, to go all in and just tell him what I’ve done I shouldn’t and want i should have done that I didn’t and ask him to help me.”

Yes, I can do that, except for just one possibility - if there is evidence he is likely to attempt suicide.

BUT - the point is, if my Mental Health Team sees this as real possibility -
They cannot, if they believe it to be the case, as professionals, not act
Ie, contact Ex’s MH team, even if he has been discharged, and alert them to a possibility.

So lay aside your worst concerns. As for theatre of my grieving, its as `I’ve said, the twist of his love/then abuse/ then love, and I need to relieve this for myself without any involvement to do with him.

So as you say, wise one, “You need to concentrate on yourself, make yourself fully well”
Am doing, with such people as my carer where we just laughed our way and shared much round the Bot Gdns.

I may take your tip to *Sweetpeasue re retinal scan as cataracts have been flagged up, if they get worse in the next month or so, as my vision os acceptably blurred atm but not if gets worse.

Hang in there, Sweetpeasue, I’m feeling good that your holiday, after a wobbly start, will prove to be another one where you both just put things aside for a while x

Hoping the Spirometry goes well, yes, DH will warn them, now that is good.

Now that is a big family worry HVDY. I’m sorry to hear the details. So far, tbh, I dont think it’s anything but normal teenager behaviour, honestly, just something to be kept an eye on?

nadateturbe warm waves as ever. You may like the poem set to music that I post tonight.

Ellie Anne - my suggestion earlier was very much, “if you like”. I don’t think in terms of being hurt by refusal, and indeed have a golden rule that one never knows how one will feel ahead of time, and last minute cancellations are also fine.

I “offer” this, becuase it’s how I function too, with all the people I know well. So - no hassle, just if you want to respond, OK?

Hello all x

Goodnight everyone, I'll chat tomorrow. xx

ScaredyCat I hope you won't have to wait long to see someone with whatever is wrong with your eyelid. Are you on a list to get the cataract done? Jaffa wouldn't fit under my double chin, but he does go to bed with me. He's a good boy.

EllieAnne Going to Yorkshire from where you are must be a long way, but with stops and drinks, I'm sure you'll be fine. Have you done that drive before? Would your husband go with you? I hope you manage to get your car done, first.

Wyllow3 I'm glad the gardener is going to tackle your garage and get it sorted out. What a lovely photo of your little granddaughter. She had quite a bit of hair. I hope you've had a good day today.

Doodle You did your absolute best for your husband. I remember how you got a hoist in the car and everything. You couldn't have done more, he was so ill.

Nadateturbe I hope you're ok now that it's a bit cooler. I bet the holiday was a nice break, though, even if it was too hot.

SweetpeaSue I wonder if Psoriasis and Fibromyalgia are linked? I hope the spirometry tests tomorrow go well. It may explain a few things or rule something out. I don't like having my feet touched, but DH painted my toenails earlier (peach).

Son1 has been quite upset and concerned about his eldest girl (14). She's been bunking off school with a friend (hanging around the park), vaping, staying at her mum's instead of going home (to avoid a telling-off), and generally being a pain. I didn't have problems with either of our sons, so I can't advise him, but he's tried various "punishments". Kids.... Night, all x

EllieAnne Like Doodle, I think you're so brave to drive long distances. I hope you can get your car sorted out first and you can go see your DD. We never stop worrying about them do we.
Doodle You did your very utmost best for your dear man Doodle, never think otherwise. I think though ,with hindsight, we always think' but what if I'd done so and so and hadn't done what I did. Truth is , even if we had done 'so and so' instead, the outcome would probably still have been the same and then we'd have wished we'd done actually what we'd done first.( oh dear hope you can follow that- not sure ,reading back, that I do myself.) Hope you get my gist. Take care and sending love.
HVDY A 6hr phone call- that should be in the Guinness Book of Records surely! You sound so easy to chat to and I'm sure that's why your job as a carer was so right for you and your patients and must have been so rewarding.
Nadateturbe I too like a fish finger sandwich though haven't had one for some reason for quite a while. My DGS used to make one when he had his tea here. We usually have an M&S ready meal about once a week and I really like their ''count on us' Haddock Mornay one.
You write kind words to us all. Yes, my appt was satisfactory. The consultant asked me if I had psoriasis specifically on my elbows which I had in fact been getting for the last 2yrs ,. Not sure if it's something connected to Fibro but I don't have Psoriasis Athritus . We're going to the Lake District on Saturday.
Hope you've not been too bad today.
Scaredycat Your posts always make me smile! Jaffa under HVDYs chin , the ' old dear!' bit, and yes, Booths Plum Bread is delicious isn't it. Hope your AF isn't worse in the heat. It's actually cooler lately though. Hope your lower eyelid turns out to be of no concern.
Wyllow You did your very best for your ex . As my words to Doodle say , we always play different scenarios through our heads when we look back to see if we could have done better. We do our best at the time and remember how very unwell you were too , taking on such a difficult situation . We all want you to keep our Wyllow from sinking back .You are doing well , you know your illness better than any of us, just look out for yourself now. The foot massage made me smile-- DH doesn't like his feet touched either. He used to give my feet a massage -it was lovely.
Hope you've not done too much today but have been on an even keel.

Well be going on Sat - crossed fingers .
DH has Spirometry tomorrow and I'm worried as I'd read it shouldn't be done with high BP ( as last nurse said). He's going to tell the Dr / nurse who is doing it.
Hope everyone has a peaceful night. Thankyou so much for your caring words as always.x

Sweetpeasue hope you slept better. I think a relaxing holiday will do you both good. Will you be driving? Is it far away?

EllieAnne i think you’re very brave driving long distances. I hate driving and only travel easy routes to places I know. Are you visiting your daughter? Whatever reason you have for going I hope you make it there and back and all is ok.
nadateturbe DH and I spent several holidays in a caravan in all weathers. It’s just as unbearable when hot as when cold. We loved doing it though
Wyllow there are things I remember about DH. The last few months his pain was awful. I can go over again and again things in my mind. I know you’re a Quaker and not the same beliefs as me but I urge you strongly to stop thinking about you ex. Let the bad stuff go. Worrying about him will bring you down. You know at some point your strength will waver. Something will happen and you’ll be in the pit again. You can’t help him in any way other than caring for him remotely. If you were a believer I would say give him to God to look after. Please, please don’t take offence but I can see that you’re on a high by the way you write.. You think you are feeling better (and we’re so pleased to see that) and maybe because you feel like this you can cope with thoughts about your Ex. Please please forgive me but I don’t think you can. I have done the same thing. I have spent days in tears thinking of all that I should have done to save my precious man. All the things I should have done differently over the years, I was bringing myself to a point of not being able to bear another day. I decided to put all my trust in God, to go all in and just tell him what I’ve done I shouldn’t and want i should have done that I didn’t and ask him to help me. This isn’t about religion really it’s about thinking. I am trying to get in a better place. I know you think you are in a better place but I’m worried that you are still very vulnerable. You need to concentrate on yourself, make yourself fully well. Maybe in the future you can help him but now you need to look after yourself. Sorry this is just my opinion but I’m worried about you
That photo is so beautiful
HVDY thank you. I’m taking it slowly with my wrist, movement is pretty good but strength is very west and writing and typing still cause shooting pains up my arm.
Hope your family have a lovely holiday.
Scaredycat I always pay for one of those retinal scan things too. They should show up anything seriously wrong. Hope your eyelid is ok and you get your cataract done soon. I’ve got them too but not so bad they need doing yet apparently.

Still writing so just pop-ins

"Wyllow- I can’t interfere with my Sis and her DD but I,ll explode soon if they don’t do something.
Yrs my car seat is heated too- poor old dear!"

Well I think you may have to explode for her?

Ha! I was right about the car seat Scaredycat.

HVDY you are so very caring. No, I will not let him drag me down. there are too any significant figures in my life on guard and as I said

- and I will stick to this - if Psychiatrist says no, then that will be hard,

but it will be followed and cope with waves of sadness. worry.

Why, it's my son, with little L, who turned out to be so very disabled. Isnt it poignant and lovely?

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- glad your consultant was kind today. You got a full house with that tick box - that’s a lot of pain. I,m sorry I don’t know anything about treatment of physical pain so just hope the meds help you.
Try not to worry about your holiday. It’s somewhere you both love and very familiar.DH wants to go which is half the battle- as Doodle said do nice peaceful things and take every opportunity to just sit and watch that beautiful world go by. And get some Plum Bread from Booths too!😋
EllieAnne- I don’t think life was supposed to be simple - never feels like it does it. Still every time we conquer our fears it’s a little victory. You have 2 weeks so should be able to get someone before you have to do that big drive. A good idea of Wyllows too- play the older lady card.
Wyllow- I can’t interfere with my Sis and her DD but I,ll explode soon if they don’t do something.
Yrs my car seat is heated too- poor old dear!
Glad the Gardner is coming to fix the damage. It will remove another reminder of your ex and the reality of his behaviour.
Dood
Es words to you were so loving and wise . As long as those thoughts of ex don’t become overpowering . Remember you did your best when he was at his worst and the lasting damage you have suffered. I know you will listen to your psychiatrist .
Stay safe and never forget how poorly you have been too- we want our Wyllow to thrive.
Nadateturbe- what a lovely long post and a good idea to enable it.
I will tell my Sis about you sending that MP letter for your neice and the good outcome. Sadly nowadays the person who shouts loudest gets heard.
Ha ha- that was the hottest Chicken that ever came out of an oven but not as hot as we were!! But Oh it did taste good as the sweat rolled down our faces!
You must have been relieved to get back into the comparative cool of your house. It’s still hot today!

Today I have been for a routine eye test and the optician said he was a bit concerned about my right bottom eyelid area so he’s going to refer me. Also I need my left cataract doing - happy days. But I paid for a retinal scan thing and nothing came up on that so I,m not going to worry too much.
Thinking of you all and hope you sleep more comfortably tonight- thinking of HVDY with big Furry Jaffa under her chin!!😺

HVDY got to be Birds Eye for me. 6 hours on the phone, good grief! 😁
Wyllow3 foot massage and Hildegard Von Bingen..Great combination
Who is in the photograph?

I agree.

If you feel up to sending me a PM we can see if its viable, but I suspect I live in wrong bit for it to be so.

I have to write this diary whatsit or would be posting now.

So just sending you all this pic as I love it.

Pity Yorkshire is so big Wyllow or we could have met up!

nadateturbe I like a fish finger sandwich - good quality ones, or the home-made ones at some good pubs. Lovely.

ScaredyCat It's been too hot for much, hasn't it. My longest phone call was 6 hours to a friend, years ago!

It rained almost all day yesterday and is a lot cooler. DH' cousin rang me last night (and his wife) for 2 hours! Son2 and family are off to Dorset until Monday night. Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

Wyllow3 I know you still care about your ex, as you're a caring person, but that part of your life is over, and it took a long time for you to get to how you are at the moment. I would hate to see you get dragged down again.

SweetpeaSue I think the holiday would be good for you both, give you the chance to properly relax.

Doodle Your wrist will improve the more you use it, without doing too much. Glad you had a nice day with some nice people.

The crisis line should read "111" of course, the national helpline, but there is a local shortcut for people if they know what it is. Generally its for MH patients, but I doubt they would turn a GP mentioned referral away.

I’ve had a busy but productive day:

the only time I got really stressed /exhautedwas because I am trying to maximise communication between my Health Team and the GP. Yesterday the excellent admin person at MH was going to spread dial so how to reach the GP’s quick, email, telephone numbers supposed for her to take to the team meeting:

More important was the GP surgery, which was to feed them for their team meeting the best email, the best person and the best phone numbers for not only for speedy contacting Mental Health

But also the best way for GP’s with MH health patients to get crisis care ie times of working hours, and the best crisis line - not !! As people are told, but the internal MH 24/7 line. Most GP’s won’t know this, there is no MH specialist on the team.

I also had a visit from the gardener, yay! as he is coming next week, and he’s going to fix the garage up with the damage caused by Ex when crazy. I said, if you you wasn’t to bring your son whilst you are wrong thats fine, and fortunately I knew enough about Harry Potter to catch his interest.

I stayed all day in my fleece house coat as too tied to dress but gardener is the alternative type.

So at the end of the day, a good one. Tired, exhausted, good, looking forward to getting out tomorrow.

No, I have to do the summarising, Sweetpeasue. There are 190 pages, and although many of them are in large print, she has not got the time and I have. I need to cut them down to 30 or 40 max? And not to alter the tone of them, but cut out where I’ve copied a whole poem or a letter and just refer to what it was and so on.

I think if DH takes medical advice on the massage, Sweetpeasue, and it is almost a feather touch, it might help, with soothing oils - (Eucalyptus oil is one of the healing ones)
- you could do it together as you know best what he can cope with?

I suppose all you can go on for the holiday is that iirc the first day was tough, settling in, but then you both relaxed, it was a different you awhile.

I do so hope it does improve and you haven’t given up with the exercises, Doodle. What a year - as if your grieving wasn’t enough on its own!

Wise word on my situation Doodle. You know yourself how difficult it is to “control” feelings around loss and that there is a balance between felling them and trying to put them aside. Truth is, I cannot put them aside. They are growing, recalling both the happiness and the awfulness.

They are demanding “working through” they are demanding I take account of how poorly he is:
and that I could have helped him differently at the beginning of this last episode, quite significantly, I ran the particulars by DocSis today - and she agreed.

No, I promise you, I will not put myself in danger. Docsis made me promise Would not act unless the psychiatrist says it’s OK under which circs.

I do hope you manage to sort it in time, Ellie Anne. (And thank you too). You’re hading down south into my county, an imaginary wave might be closer than before.

nadateturbe I was relieved to see you had thoughts re the MP as well, being appropriate.
Now I’ve never yet had a fish finger sandwich, but have no problems in principle 🤔 🙂

Foot massage is lovely, isnt it? I do self massage. All those nerve endings for different bits of the body under the feet. (Maybe Sweetpeasue’s DH might like that? There is stuff on U tube.

I think this must be the longest post you have made for ages. `Just liked to for that alone.

Night night all, posting, and reading.

Drive down to Yorkshire I meant.

Good evening everyone. I've finally managed to post. Did it as a draft email, so could do it gradually. Hope your day has been as good as possible.
Wyllow3 you're right about that chapter in Corinthians being a guide for everyone. There's a lot of sensible advice in the Bible.
I'm so glad you felt at home and at peace in the meeting. Your Quaker friends sound like lovely people.
It's good you have the psychologist to talk too. And give you advice. I hope you managed a restful day today.
I agree with you about contacting one's MP. I'm in touch with my MP and MLA quite often. For help, but also to give my views.
Scaredycat I'm sorry your niece is waiting so long for her op. I wrote a letter for my niece recently to send to her MP and her mum got her tests quicker. And surely they should have an alternative if someone can't manage to drink a lot. Poor girl, I'm sure she's fed up.
I hope you enjoyed your roast chicken. I don't know how you cooked it, never mind eating it. It was so hot on Sunday all I managed was a fish finger sandwich.
Sweetpeasue brain fog can indeed make it difficult to absorb information. I often tell my DH just to talk about simple topics. He's very understanding. I feel sorry for him sometimes. He loves meaningful discussions. Adding fresh veg to ready meals makes them feel more healthy, doesnt it?
Your appointment seemed satisfactory. Perhaps increasing the amitriptyline will help the pain. It's difficult knowing how much or what painkillers to take. And they all have side effects.
You mentioned the consultant asked about psoriasis. Perhaps he thinks you have psoriasis arthritis.
Where are you going on holiday, and when? Perhaps it gives your DH something to look forward to.
Wyllow3 mentioned massage and I see your husband can't bear anyone touching his chest. I couldn't take massage anywhere except my feet. My DH gives me foot massage quite a few times weekly. It really helps me and is so relaxing. I hope the CT scan result doesn't take long and is helpful. Your DHs health is such a continual worry.
Doodle It's cooler now thankfully. We came home, gave something to do tomorrow but really I just survived in the caravan. Just too hot. Didn't do anything except a little light reading and a short walk round the caravan park.
Your prayer walk is such a lovely thing to do. I haven't heard of that before. And people joining in. I can't put it better than Wyllow3.
I'm glad your wrist is healing well. Just need to keep exercising it.
Just saw your last post. Glad you had such a nice day yesterday.
HVDY Three hours chatting on the phone!! In the heat too. I've never heard of anyone having such a long phone call. It must be a record.
I hope it's cooler for you today. It certainly is here (At home.). I agree about your BP. Its always higher at the surgery. And my doctor has told me at times not to talk when measuring it. So I wouldn't be too concerned.
EllieAnne I don't like the telephone either. Much prefer writing. You get time to organise thoughts and edit what you say. You're not alone. It's good you walk, even when you don't feel like it.
Sorry if I've left anyone out accidentally. Or missed something important.
I hope everyone is OK. Sending love and prayers.

Doodle I can’t find anything sooner so just have to wait.
T wouldn’t matter but I have to drive down to in two weeks Don’t ask !!!!!!
Wyllow Doodle has wise words for you. You are doing so well.