DH has Peripheral Neuropathy

You are doing so much for him, but he manages to drive to Tai Chi himself. And then get out of the car and back in after to drive himself home. And some shopping on the way home. Does he take off a jacket to exercise there and put it back on? How does he manage without you? Or is the Tai Chi for disabled and there is a lot of help?

I think you need some outside advice. Put it all in writing to the GP maybe. I think I would step back for a while and see just what he can do for himself even if it takes longer. And concentrate on yourself.
I can understand your frustration.

I suggested to the consultant that it could be hereditary but he dismissed the idea (his dad was very stooped, lost height and shuffled as does DH). He won't exercise and won't go near the swimming baths. He "enjoys" ill health.

Last night I pointed out that lack of strength in his arms and "core" is becoming a major issue for both of us. He agreed (as he usually does) but I know he will do nothing about it.

I wondered if a private physio would help (the NHS girl is lovely but too kind to him, and their input is limited), but I don't know what kind of physio or qualifications to look for.

To be honest, Madmeg I think you have done all you can. It is clear that no matter what you do your DH does not intend to do anything to help himself as you say 'He 'enjoys' his ill health'

I think your only solution now is to think about ways you can adjust to this. It wil not be easy, but you have done all you can and sometimes the best way forward is to accept defeat and manage your retreat. You have shown how much you can do and how far you will go to help your DH, now apply that energy and inganuity to yourself.

I have a sympathy for you, I have faced similar problems with a DH with a genetic disposition to the medical problems he has, and a disinclination to do some of the things that would help him. I have just accepted that and limit my reactions to those areas that I can be useful, like managing medical emergencies and insisting on driving when we go on long journeys.

Five days on from his fall on Monday, I am still coping with muscular pain after trying to lift him up. Last night (in the night) I couldn't get out of bed for a wee, so had to wet the bed.

I ache all over!

Thanks for listening. Right now I hate him!

Madmeg you really can't carry on like this ☹️

If your husband needs help with his personal care, ask social services about some homecare for him.
They will do a financial assessment and the carer(s) will most likely be through an agency.
My Mum had to pay about a third of the cost as allowances were made for Dad living with her, amongst other things.

If he has another fall and can't get himself up, phone an ambulance.
Be prepared to provide him with a pillow and a blanket while he waits, but you really can't be expected to lift him on your own.
If you injure yourself again you could end up in hospital, which wouldn't do either of you any good.

Please look after yourself first xx

Madmeg I second everything that V3ra says above. Stop doing things for him. Get help, call an ambulance when he falls and ask for a care assessment to get carers in.

Ignore any complaints he makes.

HelterSkelter, he can barely dress himself and has almost never worn a jumper, jacket, scarf or hat unless it's freezing and I insist (the neuropathy affects that but he's always been the same). No, he can't put them on alone anyway.

Nor does he feel excessive heat in summer, never has. Nor did his dad which is why his dad was carted off to intensive care in Oz during WW2 along with another soldier, both with heatstroke. He was on a bed of ice for ten days. He had no idea he was even hot!. The other chap died.

Madmeg I have just been reading this thread from scratch and at the end of it , my reaction is that you really are doing far too much for him.

I do not mean this critically, but by doing so much, you are enabling him to become the crippled invalid he is. If you did less for him he would have to do more for himself,

It was you mentioning him doing Tai Chi that made me reread everything. I do Tai Chi. You have to stand up and use your body to keep suppleness. If he is doing standing up Tai Chi, then is noway as disabled as he makes out. However, even if he is doing chair based Tai Chi, he has a movement and flexibility in his arms that he is concealing at home.

Why not offer to take him to Tai Chi one week, suggest you might take it up. Go and see what he is doing, if anything.

I think you should stand back for a week or two and leave him to do everything for himself. If he really has a problem, ask Social Services to do an assessment and get carers in. At the rate you are going you are quite likely to cause your own death by pushing yourself too hard.

I had a look at this thread because the OP’s DH.(though, from her posts I’m struggling to understand what is ‘D’ about him) appears to have similar (though infinitely worse) problems to my DH.

I nodded along until I got to the Tai Chi revelation. Sorry, if he can do all that unaided without the OP’s help I think there’s a rabbit away somewhere in this saga.

If this were Mumsnet I think there would be a large number of posts advising LTB…