BLACK DOG 26

I’ll be interested in how it went for you, Ellie Anne

The natural acquiring of a friend happened this morning. I think I’ve said here that my cleaning and coping and sorting help was’getting more like a friend’.

Well this morning (I’d left her pay to pick up in a safe place) it she knocked on the door saying had I got a bit of time.. yes… she came out with saying she wanted us to be proper friends. I know how excruciatingly shy she can be and underestimates her intelligence all the time, so the trust was special.

I’m in Costa after a strong workout at the gym after getting the trainers help with tum stuff so am nearly falling asleep now, Sainsbugs will have to wait.

Going out soon to watch gd2 in a competition. I get so nervous about it and with the ongoing anxiety fluttering in chest and wobbly legs I really don’t want to go. But have said we will be there so have to go. He wanted to leave an hour before we need to but I’ve got it down to half an hour.
We only go to this one because it’s fairly close. Her competitions can be all over the country and she has done a couple abroad. They really can’t afford it. We help a bit but I suspect a lot of it goes on the credit card. Back later.

Hi all
HVDY- I hope my friend loses her aggression like your SiL has.
Her husband is in hospital at the moment as he had a fall and hurt himself. She just seems oblivious to everything right now.
You sounded so cosy and relaxed in your p j,s - bet Jaffa was curled up too.
I still have all our photos and I hadn’t thought of what to do with them- better consult with DH. I did make a family photo online book for the DC so they had something to keep.
I think most women have a small group of close friends. I love mine but so many are going through awful times- makes me sad. When women are at their best they are brilliant but some do seem hellbent on being as destructive and critical as possible.
Doodle- I,m sure you don’t look dumpy but I often feel uncomfortable in dresses ,except loose floaty ones, so know what you mean.
Your GDs are of an age when they are lovely company- are they sisters? I can honestly say our GC have brought us so much joy over the years and spending time with them now they are all adults keeps us young at heart I believe.
Ah your afternoon back in that Christmas must have been so emotional. Seeing your dear DH and what happy times he had with his family. I,m sure they’d all love to see it too.
Your lovely sense of humour is starting to peak through a bit- what a special person you are.
SweetPeaSue- Glad to hear that Fluffball worked her magic and you had a lovely time on the beach. The photos were sweet - her little face couldn’t fail to cheer anyone up.
It must be so worrying for you when DH has these spells of exhaustion and tight chest breathing. It sounds as if any extra exertion tires him out. The sooner he is treated properly the better.
Nadateturbe- so sorry to hear about your brother- our siblings are so precious aren’t they. Does your brother live near you?
My Sister has been terribly poorly in the last few years but thankfully is in remission now.
Thinking of you and your family and hope you have the company of friends in these difficult days.
Wyllow- Mr Costa has had a difficult life at times . His confidence has taken more than one big knock - starting at a very young age too. Those sort of Mums do more harm than good. Maybe he,ll go to Spain and maybe he wont but you re forging a friendship which sounds a mutually beneficial one . Only time will tell . As you say- Live in the now- that’s all any of us can do really.
I,m sure you,ll make new friends. I think you are a naturally friendly person with a very open mind. Your Mum was a good role model it sounds.
So glad the lady is all right - you and Mr Costa should be proud of yourselves.

We have a family meal out later on this afternoon. I,m really tired but will have a rest now and sort my hair out later!
It’s for my GD1 DH who is 40 next week so it’s off to one of the local pubs.
Love to all and wish you the best evening possiblexx

As regards, "what/who gained from the Womens Movement" it depends very much firstly the "when" as it hit society hard in the early to mid 1970's, and I am of the right age.

But the other main reason is simply opportunity - for me, if I hadn't gone to Uni, I really cannot know if I would have been in a situation to take it up.

My mum, especially after Dad died in 1971, was big on women (and male, but mainly women) friends, and those friends not the comparing each other type, so a role model?

Well nadateturbe
....After the long depression and hanging in here, it was the only place or (except for professionals, and even really my family) I really spoke the truth.

As although I needed to be concerned and was about the effect I might have on others here, I did have those concerns speaking to loved ones (except Docsis), but even then, there were serious limitations, as she has had no MH problems and honestly admits there are places she just cant really understand.

What you lose out on online is hugs, the physical presence of course, but online gives a special blessing, you can think before you open your mouth 🫢 (well mostly....)..^and you can do it in bed^.

You may underestimate the loved friends wanting to come to see you, in whatever state you are in.

"The joy of companionship of women who felt it wasn't necessary to dress up and compete - but just "Be Ourselves" - much belly laughter, supporting each other".
So well described Wyllow. My friends too. Although we don't meet so much now.

I'm hanging onto all the photos too for now HVDY. Given the interest shown, it's currently a situation where DGC coming here "Photos At Grandma's".

But you see them so much - so it's completely different for you.
it was the moment that first born DGC arrived it was like a relief and joy of there being "Wyllow's" stretching into the future, if that makes sense.

I do know the kind of women you mention and have avoided them all my life. But involvement in the Womens Movement was the end of that. yes it was political but for all of us is was an awakening of the power of female friendship and the joy of companionship of women who felt it wasn't necessary to dress up and compete - but just "Be Ourselves" - much belly laughter, supporting each other.

Not against men (although some Radical Feminists did take that route) But trying to get men to join us in the journey of greater self awareness and being able to be vulnerable to each other (and not just to us, wives, girlfriends)

Sorry, still haven't read everything. Something to do today.
Just saw this last post. HVDY and reminded me of something. I was chatting to colleagues, a typist came in, joined in the chat, everybody was being friendly. She left the room. Immediately someone said, would you be caught dead wearing that? I was shocked! So two-faced. I found that behaviour many times.(worked in civil service). My daughter found it at senior school too.
Wyllow3 thank you. Brother getting a driver put in today. Its a difficult time.

Oh nadeteturbe I am desperately sorry for you, your loved brother.... and you so limited in what you can do..so much sympathy flying out.

As for a lot of writing, I am careful most what I write, but at this point in my life I am "letting it all hang out" rather.

I daresay you could do the same if you had the energy? It's open for that. Maybe tell us about your brother?

I'm completely open if anyone says ...Wyllow... you are dominating the thread and it puts others off

here is a song for you, and everyone else: its an old classic that has often brought me comfort.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eopQdrPZ7Y0&list=RDeopQdrPZ7Y0&start_radio=1

Wyllow3 I should say that the experience of women being bitchy was from when I worked, at different times, with other women - at BT, the N.A.A.F.I., in offices - it was all "Have you seen what so-and-so's wearing/she's looking fat/what's she done to her hair" etc (not particularly aimed at me, but nasty behind the backs of colleagues, a two-faced attitude. I don't suppose all women are like that.

SweetpeaSue What lovely photos of the very photogenic Fluffbal, looking wet and happy and then fluffy and cosy.

Wyllow3 What you said about "handing the baton" is what I feel, too. I've given all our old photos to Son1, as I know he'll take care of them. His girls will enjoy looking at them, in time to come. He said he'll digitise them. Mr Costa's mum is perhaps reaping what she sowed - I can't imagine sending away a child, particularly one so young. The poor boy must have felt so alone. Our 2nd bedroom is smaller, so there isn't room for a 5ft bed. A double will be ok. I've kept 2 lots of the bedding for that one, but will buy new stuff, too.

nadateturbe Oh, how upsetting for you and your brother's family. I'm so sorry. At least his pain is being managed, and he should be comfortable. Thinking of you.

Good evening everyone, how do you all manage to write so much! I am trying to read through all your posts. Will call in tomorrow. Am feeling sad, my brother is very ill, palliative care nurse calling at 12 tonight to give him more morphine. Called today, difficult visit, trying to sleep.
Goodnight, hope its a peaceful one for you. x

I can understand why you found the afternoon a good one, Doodle. A celebration of lives well lived, and clearly the gift of love to your children and how they’ve turned out. And clutch of grandchildren quite grown up. It gave me great pleasure to see my son finding the family albums and son telling them the stories.

It’s a kind of handing the baton on, I know that sounds strange, but thats how it feels.

Tell me, what do you find comfy to wear on your feet? I’m so addicted to trainers, I’ve lot the plot about what else except for comfy sandals.

It was Mr Costa who organised the whole saving the lady shebang. He had the kit - but also the confidence to do what he did. (Most of the others were very young)
I scarcely noticed, I just focused on the little hunched bird (her very bent back) 89 year old bleeding and couldn’t have managed the situation.

Mr Costa is very conflicted between who he was..

…. (yes Sweetpeasue he too was let down by doctors for so long when he was in desperate pain for 18 months or so) - who didn’t recognise the rare condition he had - and lost a traditional male way of being successful, his work, his purpose.

Yesterday he was the new vulnerable self: today he was an angry person (not to me, but preoccupied - his mum had spent the rest of the evening after seeing me bemoaning how nobody loved her (having sent Mr C away to boarding school aged 6 😡).

So yes, we will see each other, but I don’t know if he will stay in the UK to make a go of things which might include me, or basically sort of go on the run for longer abroad.

But its definitely a friendship currently giving each something worth having, its increased my confidence and feel I am giving something worth having as well as the shared love of music etc.

But he may end up going to Spain for the winter so? I also think he’s having problems (given his past ego) wanting “younger women” finding me attractive. So I am making my expectations fit the reality. Live in the now.

Sweetpeasue Oh my those absolutely delightful photos… am so struck by what Fluff brings to your lives. And thankfully the comforts that only a beach and the sea can bring.
You are living with enormous worries, all we can do is hold you both in our thoughts that proper diagnosis and treatments are found to make life more enjoyable for you both.

Thats an interesting perspective, HVDY. My life has always, until I got very ill, been filled with many women friends, all women events, a singing group, (the disco singing dancing coming up I described is all women)……the sort of sharing I experience just in the gym changing rooms. In the Womens’ Movement in the 1970’s there were no fakes, bitching, just… well… being us.
I do recognise the description of some women however who sort of trade on being competitive as regards male attention and out each other down?

If I were you I’d got for each having a 5ft bed if there is room. I love stretching out in all that space, room for a book and my computer too.

I believe I can make new friends, but thats in the Quaker circles mainly. Others either will or wont happen. I made firm friends with a Quaker elderly lady who is not with us now. And she tolerated my coming and going in the friendship well.

Allsorts you dont have to do what you were advised to, but we really are all complex situations. I was advised and advised for months not to touch Ex with a bargepole, but in the end worked out a way that didnt threaten me. But…well…. It’s very different.

Thoughts for other BD’s not in today, as ever.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202508/medium-3ra89f-1000011876.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202508/medium-97xdh1-1000011070.jpg

HVDY I believe you're right about making friends as we get older. Acquaintances perhaps. Though real friends take time to establish maybe. Not that I put myself in social situations in order to achieve that. Yes, getting dark early now.

Scruffball and Fluffball.

Wyllow3 It's hard to make new friends as we get older, isn't it? I've never really liked the company of other women - too bitchy, fake, shallow - so I've only really got 3 close friends, and have known them all for years. Glad that lady was ok. We won't have LG until Monday, but I'll probably see Son1 and GD2 tomorrow. GD1 has been with her other grandparents at their caravan in Filey, but should be back some time tomorrow, so I might see her as well. Mr Costa has been through some tough times, what with raising his daughter alone. My headphones are working again, so I listened to that track - very good.

Doodle I bet you don't look dumpy at all. Go to aqua aerobics if you fancy it - there are all shapes and sizes there. Nobody takes any notice. I'm glad you find comfort in the photos and videos of your husband. It's good that you've got a lot of happy memories to look back on.

SweetpeaSue I ordered a double bed, so that DH and I can alternate - either that bed or the king-sized one. (I think 1 each will be better). The 2 GDs would be able to stay, should they ever want to. Glad you had a more relaxing day, with Fluffball and the beach. Not much longer until the cardiologist is back, and will hopefully give your husband an appointment.

It gets dark early - just had a shower, got my dressing gown on and having a lager or 2. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Allsorts That's so awful , about being in the middle and losing your DD . You are doing your best in what looks like an impossible situation, and being pulled both ways. I'm so sorry. Do look out for yourself too in all of this. I do hope your DGS realises how much you have been doing for him and can show you affection . X
HVDY You are doing so well with all the sprucing up and decorating. We need to get a single bed for spare room too. I'm another dress and trainers person.
Scaredycat Oh I'm so sorry about your friends. That must have been so upsetting to see her so aggressive and especially so when she's really a very gentle natured person. There's not an awful lot you can do - you must feel very helpless. I hope next time you see her you will see more of the real person there. Yes we did enjoy Fluffball today. Took her to the beach so more like a Scruffball afterwards.
Doodle I'm glad you have had so much pleasure from seeing that Christmas video. I think I've said before that I have my Dad singing on an old cassette tape and to actually hear the voice is so amazing and brings them so close. Thankyou, my DHs shortness of breath and tightness of chest happens frequently every day and also the thickness of head and arm/ hand pain. I'm keeping calm thanks. It's easier in the daytime though than it is at night when I sometimes have to come downstairs as I hate to hear the short wheezes.
Wyllow I'm so relieved the lady who fell is at home now and reasonably OK. She must have had such a shock , as her poor DH. It's frightening to see a lot of blood - I could never have been a nurse.
Oh yes, look out for that kind sensitive need to ' rescue' in relationships. Otherwise I'm so very pleased for you. Keep your feet firmly on the ground, won't you.😊
EllieAnne Thinking of how you are and coping with things.
* Nadateturbe* Hope you're OK.

It was lovely on the beach today. On the way back stopped at chemist for prescriptions and DH had another bad spell. He was better after a rest .
Wishing all a peaceful night.x

HVDY I look very dumpy in dresses. (Well in everything really) . I know people wear trainers with dresses but I’ve got big feet and the whole effect is somewhat comical. I’d rather trousers and blend into the background,
Glad you did aqua. I’m sure it’s good for you. I’d love to do it but the thought of me in a swimsuit is scary.
Wyllow so pleased you found out that poor lady is ok.
Mr Costa sounds a nice chap. Will you meet again?
Scaredycat I think it’s so sad when people become aggressive with Alzheimer’s or dementia when that has never been their personality before. It is very common I know but very upsetting for friends and family.
DGDs are 19 and 22 now. I have a grandson who’s 21 as well.
I’ve had a lovely afternoon. I know many others would be upset but for me it was so nice. I found a video that I took of a family Christmas about 13 years ago. It was so lovely to hear DH’s voice and see him interacting with the family. It was about an hour long and I loved it. These videos and photos mean so much to me,
Sweetpeasue I hope you’re trying to keep calm this weekend and that your DH’s breathing is ok.
Good news about your BIL.hope he’s on the mend now

Allsorts what a terrible dilemma. I’m sure you love your Dgs and he you. Is he on the autistic spectrum, is that why he suddenly gets angry?
Wyllow what an amazing day. Thank goodness you and others were on hand to help that poor lady and her husband

Oh HVDY, missed you while I was writing.. yes thank goodness there is news, her son actually came in here this morning to get the car and thank people. She didn’t want to go to hospital but had to for proper treatment and I imagine observation. And was home by 4am.
I’m immensely relieved.

You and DH have had productive days… LG tomorrow?

My heart went out to you when you described your friend’s state, and I can’t begin to imagine how it is for her husband. It’s gone very deep, hasn’t it xx

Life can be very cruel for those trying to cope with the consequences and memories of what once was. It’s never happened to me. I’ve met people of course with desperate MH problems but this is different.

Mr Costa’s Dad is now in a home with Alzheimer’s but not aware he is ill anymore. He says it’s hard to go as it hurts so much. There has only ever been one Mrs Costa and she left him with their small daughter to bring up.

One thing we discussed was always choosing people who need rescuing. I’ve done this repeatedly: he had already said his past relationships were.

Neither of us want to do this again.
His prolonged illness changed him forever: loss of powerful job, status…but he is undecided whether to make the UK or somewhere else his base. That’s why he was honest in describing himself as a ‘flight risk’ …

But paradoxically it means I have to keep developing my own life. Making women friends beyond what I have now with friendly Quakers but not actually friends:

I still have none.

Most of us have experienced… that which we could do but cannot anymore? It took me years to stop feeling a failure as my abilities on paper could have taken me on a high level ‘helping professional job’ and I still hide the reality from most.

Except becoming a Gran did change a great deal…. And am fortunate at the moment: of course the fear is how long will L live.

Wyllow3 I hope you get some details about the lady. I tried to listen to the link, but the headphones aren't working (no idea why, as they're new).
ScaredyCat What a sad situation about your friend and her husband. My SIL went through a period of being very aggressive indeed, a few years ago - mainly towards her husband, my brother. That lasted quite a long time, but she's no longer like that. Falls are quite common, especially in care homes. I hope you find the 2 of them easier to talk to next time.

Did aquaq, tidied up a bit. DH put some new sockets in the bedroom, fixed some creaky floorboards, and glossed the skirtings. Hope everyone has been ok x

Hi all
Allsorts- what a dilemma for you. Easy for Doc to say but he is your GS and you love him.However it seems that after all the times you have tried to help him you end up being hurt.You,re right many lives can be affected by others MH problems. You are being pulled in all directions. You must see after yourself as you are,older now and life is fragile.. I,m sure you,ll make a wise decision . He is lucky to have you.
SweetPeaSue- yes it was so sad to watch my Dad in distress. I remember him crying one morning and feeling it must have been my fault.
Our visit today was sad. My friend has deteriorated unbelievably. She has become quite aggressive and was always so gentle mannered and calm.
So pleased your BiL is home again. Your DS must be so relieved.
Hope you had a happy Fluffball day.
HVDY- yes my DD is now enjoying her retirement . It has taken her a while to wind down and chill though.
We went to the care home with my friends brother and wife so good to share the day. She looks very unkempt and is quick to aggression- so unlike her. Her DH has been taken to hospital
after a fall. Don’t think she recognised us either.
I love Skechers too - we have an outlet shop near here that calls to us frequently😀
This week must have been quiet without LG. She,ll be raring to go next week.
Doodle- how nice having lunc( with your DGDs. How old are they? “Girly” days are always fun.
Such a good idea to copy the cards- a never ending supply of different subjects.
We,ll wait for a cat until after September as we have one more holiday to take. We wouldn’t want to upset it in the first weeks of its new life.
Hope you,ve had a good day.
Wyllow- Mr Costa sounds a kind and thoughtful person and easy to get on with. Also he was on the ball when that poor lady hurt herself. It’s good you can talk freely and openly with him too. At the very least you have made a great potential friend.
Obviously if there is a Mrs Costa or such like that might be a problem if not then DocSis has it right- it’s a wait and see situation.
You too did a marvellous job with that poor lady. It was a shock for you too and being faced with the fragility of life it opened up more emotions.
It’s early days in this new friendship . Take care and trust in yours and DocSis intuition.

Love to all and have a peaceful evening

HVDY I want so much to find out how she is. The workers at Costa might know more, the come every week regularly once a week its their treat and are loved by all.

I'm just reflective lying down after cleaner and me made all nice.

It sounds like you are also restoring order at yours too, so nice afterwards.

This song is why I called myself Wyllow.

Willow was unavailable.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV0rhsMAiKM&list=RDhV0rhsMAiKM&start_radio=1

Its all about vulnerable healers really and that is how we are often, here.

Doodle I missed your post last night. I like comfortable, elasticated waist trousers, too, but prefer to wear a dress in the summer. Many women wear trainers with a dress nowadays. I like to wear my Sketchers (a pink pair or a beige pair), but I've got some nice sandals as well.

Wyllow3 What a day you had! The poor lady, I hope she's ok. What a good job there were plenty of people around to help. You comforted her when she was vulnerable, which was kind. Mr Costa sounds a caring man, and perhaps you might end up in a relationship with him, but it would be wise to go very carefully. Hope your day goes well today.

DH has gone to the tip with Son1, so whilst he's out I'm going to tidy up a bit. Hope everyone has a decent day x

All as you said, Sweetpeasue, all as you said. DocSis is on protective alert x