Negativity in support group

I assume the group is for people with health or well being problems, this person has well being problems, not everyone will improve at the same rate or with the same treatment. Maybe their issues are more complex than the rest of you.

If the sessions are funded for the NHS, do they not monitor them? Is there no one among the organisers that this problem can be discussed with. This woman is setting up this group for failure for everyone, if the problem is not dealt with.

Maybe I’m being simplistic but, it’s possible to just scroll past posts that irritate or upset you. Some folks moan whilst others try to put a positive point of view.
I confess to leaving a support group for an auto immune condition I have because it was dominated by doom. I didn’t find it supportive 🌞

I have just muted a support group I am a member of for this exact reason.I don’t want to leave as I have had some very useful information from group members but one member has made me decide to take a break.Such a shame but as my husband says there is always one🙄

Could you just block or mute this one person so you don't see their messages?

Have you thought about not offering suggestions but simply acknowledging her by saying for example 'sorry to hear that' or 'that's a shame'.

I agree with Susan's husband that there is always one. Some times someone doesn't want to be helped .

I can only agree with Susan’s husband as well. I go to a lovely support group, not many of us, tea and general chat is the idea but a lady has come along and dominates the whole hour with her problems which none of us can sort out. I don’t want to leave but came out last time feeling quite low. We are all deaf

Yes MOnica, progress is monitored and I didn’t actually say whether it was a man or a woman. Smileless, I know from experience that saying ‘sorry to hear that’ etc makes no difference whatsoever.

Unfortunately, on a group chat I don’t think it’s feasible to met one particular individual.

However, the sessions will soon be brought to a close and the chat group will be no longer required for that purpose so I can withdraw from it.

Thank you all for your comments, points of view and interest.

Some people just want you to make sympathetic noises rather than try to help. Try that, if you have the patience to listen. I know people like that and they seem to end the call perfectly happy if I've said nothing but oh dear throughout the call.

Some people just don't want help or resolution but just want to vent. I have a daughter a bit like that and I often offer a couple of suggestion and then say I need to think about it because nothing springs to mind. I then move on until the next thing she goes down a rabbit hole with. She can't help it and I do feel for her but I just know if I keep coming up with solutions, she will get irritated and we'll fall out. When she was younger she was sent to a group for children who had lost their mothers so she would perhaps see their positivity in that she had one and her father, as useless as he was, wasn't dead. They had to pull her from it because she just couldn't see anything positive in her life and was in danger of bringing the other kids down. She is obviously just made that way. Maybe your person is too.

Sometimes it helps if instead of offering help you ask a good question or two and really listen to the answers. For instance, 'I can see that xyz has upset you - have you had any ideas about how to move forward on this?

It sounds like they are someone who craves attention. I read once about the “yes but” person who is never satisfied with a solution and always wants people to keep on suggesting things. Why not ask them what they think would help?

You can block seeing their messages, but perhaps they are looking simply for sympathy.

Sadly these poeple mentioned above are in Erick Berne's terminology 'Playing Games' as this brings them attention.

ericberne.com/games-people-play/why-dont-you-yes-but/

Thesis. “Why Don’t You – Yes But” occupies a special place in game analysis, because it was the original stimulus for the concept of games. It was the first game to be dissected out of its social context, and since it is the older subject of game analysis, it is one of the best understood. It is also the game most commonly played at parties and groups of all kinds, including psychotherapy groups. The following example will serve to illustrate its main characteristics:

White: “My husband always insists on doing our own repairs, and he never builds anything right.”

Black: “Why doesn’t he take a course in carpentry?”

White: “Yes, but he doesn’t have time.”

Blue: “Why don’t you buy him some good tools?”

White: “Yes, but he doesn’t know how to use them.”

Red: “Why don’t you have your building done by a carpenter?

White: “Yes, but that would cost too much.”

Brown” “Why don’t you just accept what he does the way he does it?”

White: “Yes, but the whole thing might fall down.”

Such an exchange in typically followed by a silence. It is eventually broken by Green, who may say something like, “That’s men for you, always trying to show how efficient they are.”

The description of this game on this page is incomplete. For a complete description of this game, refer to Games People Play.

Maybe ask them what kind of support they find most helpful? Sounds like the support they need to most is someone to encourage them to look harder at themselves.

That said there is zero obligation for you to engage

Some years ago I joined a Support Network but after just 3 months I left when it became apparent that one individual was treating the group as her personal fan club.

She always turned up late, weeping and wailing and bringing several relatives and fruends along with her (God knows who - it was meant to be confidential) and everyone would gather around offering sympathy etc, etc. She dominated each session, ramping up the tea4s as soon as the attention switched to another member of the group. She was an attention seeker first, second and last.

So I left.

We used to host a self help group for RSI ( repetitive strain industry) when I was at work. We discontinued it because it became a gripefest and we decided it wasn’t doing any of them any good, they were pulling one another down. Sometimes they work, sometimes not so much.

Repetitive strain injury not industry though with some of them it felt a bit like the latter!

My daughter has a chronic illness, but quickly gave up on support groups. She said that too many people want to use it as a platform to prove that they’re more ill than everybody else! And notification reminders related to her illness were unhelpful to her - she doesn’t need constant reminding. However, very specific groups (eg for osto-mates) have been really useful for information sharing, and she enjoys being able to support other people with some of the stuff that she’s learned over 10 years and she dipped in and out of these depending on her circumstances.

I’m afraid this can be the nature of support groups. Some people are sadly so identified by their illness that the last thing they can do is show support for anyone else. It is unlikely that this person will behave in the way that you would like or need. I would show a little compassion…and then move on…that is unless they do…but there will always be the next person….

Presumably this person is depressed and needs more support than what this support group can offer?

So in this situation, I would give it a couple of weeks. Maybe you are not having a good time for some reason and it is more irritating than usual. If after consideration it is still the same situation, then I would consider the other people in the group that I wanted to keep in touch with. Take what opportunities you have to speak to individuals in the group and tell them that you are not finding it helpful any more but would like to keep in touch with those other people. So you can then either keep in touch separately, or you might find that enough of you can reform the group, in another place. If at the moment it is always negative then you are likely to just leave the complete group anyway. So you actually might find that you have a better time or place and keep in touch with the people who matter. Good luck and hope you find a solution.

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