Black Dogs 27

Good evening everyone. Have read, no energy to comment. Thinking of you all.
"holding in the light", lovely phrase.
Was supposed to be out for a meal today booked in restaurant with DH, his 2 children and son in law. Couldn't go.
They want me to have both "oscopies" to check for blood loss. At the same time! No thank you!
I don't think that is the answer anyway, my iron is borderline. and when the staff ring me I will book gastroscopy. No intention of worrying about colon perforation especially before Christmas. (So, not a nice topic). Consultant won't be happy. But my insurance is paying so its my choice.
I just wish I could have some normal energy days.
Sorry, just needed a moan.

Well, good wrapping, Scaredycat....(says she with just 6 to wrap). Me and sibs just agreed at one point to give money to charity, and haven't given pressies to nieces and nephews since they were very little - but treated them to this and that where together. I do follow the news, but not in detail later in the evening, I like music best, or a nature type programme later....am loving my big TV, frankly - watching an orchestra in full swing, or lovely train trips.

Today at Quakers was good, despite a very bad night before. I had a conversation with another of the "servants" who had been at the meeting where I told all, and he is horrified at what MrA had done - against everything quaker - when it comes down to it there is only one left really who tried to excuse it.
.....Unfortunately the one involved early on..but there you go...

I had a great time at the gym - a warm friendly space for a cold dreary day, lots of escapees up for chats as well as exercise, and I've found good exercises for the Knee - I can cycle on the indoor bike for a long time, as its less strain than walking.

(It would be nice if my mind obeyed these good messages, but thats a work in progress,
at least ~I feel I'm back on the road travelling in that direction (of trusting good things) ☺️

Karl Jenkins is wonderful, nadateturbe - recognised it as soon as I looked it up - the Benedictus is the best known, but the whole Mass for Peace is full of rich meaning.

Well HVDY, what was your lunchtime treat eat?

Been thinking of our missing BD's - you haven't left the caring circle

HVDY You've really done amazing with that diet. I need to lose 2stone but can't get into that zone at present. We've watched Im a Celeb too -- but NOT the eating trials.
Nadateturbe Thankyou so much for your prayers - beginning to feel quite scared about it but so good to know mant here sending good wishes and prayers.
Scaredycat Giant choc puddings sound amazing - do you share? Well done for doing all that shopping- wrapping is so tedious isn't it and used to be easier when you could get on the floor. Thankyou for thinking of us as brave -- I'll try and live up to it! 🙏
Doodle What happened to you yesterday was the most vile thing and terribly cruel. I find it so hard to understand these idiots - they're not worth our understanding. Im so sorry for your heart being broken - I can imagine how vulnerable it made you feel. Glad you screamed at him! Also that your son called afterwards.. Thankyou for you understanding so well our situation.
*Wyllow, So lovely to ' hold me in the light' its a beautiful thought. I really hope you can start the new year as Scaredycat says and you get the full nd sincere apology you so need to go forward.
EllieAnne Do hope you're managing to cope with any changes ahead regarding church building. I think you need to know you have a place of peace outside your home that you can rely on.

Love to all not personally mentioned.

We have candles lit on our coffee table and it helps as we're both starting to feel a bit anxious now. When I look into the flames it feels peaceful.

Hope you all have a peaceful night.xx

Hi all
HVDY- Having your SGD is a lovely bonus for you. She will always remember your kindness .
That salad sounds dire. Don’t think Weatherspoons is a salady place😀 Yes our meal out was good but we only had Ice Cream for pud as the day before we,d had giant chocolate gateau puddings with cream!!!!
We watch Celebrity too. I would rather have something silly in my head before bed than the horrors of the news.
Wyllow- yep we’ve done all the shopping now it’s the dreaded wrapping. It is a lot of shopping and the age range is very wide.
Yes some people find it hard to accept the’other side’ of what seems like a paragon of virtue.There is good and bad in everyone and as you say respect is to be gained for a heartfelt,sincere apology. I just want you to start the New Year with the hope and anticipation of family visits,new friends,and getting out into the country side on your new bike.
Doodle- those scammers are so disgusting. They have no respect or care for the feelings of others. So sorry you had to be upset by such a brainless idiot.
Glad that you had company afterward- I bet your Son was very angry about the incident.
Nada- as always kindness to others despite your exhaustion.
Good thinking to talk over the tests with your consultant before making a decision.
SweetPeaSue- hope you and DH have had a decent weekend .
EllieAnne- thinking of you as
always at weekends.
Candy- how’s the packing going?
La Crepescule- how are you feeling today?

Love to all - mentioned and all our other friends.

I shall look him up, nadateturbe. What do the tests involve? I'm glad your consultant will discuss it.

Doodle I am appalled and disgusted by that scam call. I'm glad you let your true feelings out on that man. I hope he is well ashamed. Is it traceable? Can you get one of your DS's to kick up a fuss?

Holding you in the Light, Sweetpeasue. xx, and all other BD's, whether you post, or read.

Hello to Wyllow3 Scaredycatand HVDY EllieAnne. Have read your posts. Hope to get back soon. Using my limited energy for Christmas stuff.
I have been advised to have tests to rule out causes of low iron. Not keen. Have debated it with consultant 😃. Not doing anything without good justification.
I hope you're all having a peaceful evening. xx
Wyllow3 glad you still enjoy NadateTurbe. I'm enjoying Karl Jenkins at the minute.

Doodle what an awful experience for you. So disgusting that people do that. If you can, you should report them. But definitely block. I'm glad you had family call soon after.x

Sweetpeasue I will be praying for you and your dear husband next Tuesday. I hope your son manages to get home. x

Doodle What a horrible experience for you. No wonder you felt so upset. Block that number. If you got the name of the company, report them. I'm glad you had your son and his wife there later. SGD is a lovely girl - bright, interesting, confident, funny, and talented. She's got lots of friends, although not locally, as her school is a 15 minute drive away.

Wyllow3 Some people can show a certain side of themselves to people, yet are not always as pleasant as they seem. Mr A seems to be like that. An afternoon nap was obviously what you needed. I really must try even harder with this diet now - although DH has booked a table for lunch at an Indian restaurant tomorrow .

Just finished watching I'm a Celebrity - yes, it's trash tv, but entertaining in its way. Off to bed soon. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Sweetpeasue I think the sooner your Dh has that op the better. Poor man has been through so. Much and you too. Not long now. I know you’re scared and probably he is too but at the end of the day there’s probably not choice and sometimes you just have to go for it.
Wyllow what a wonderful sleep you had. Your body and mind obviously needed it. Hope all works out well with RJ and the outcome is what you want.
HVDY o love the fact you’re so caring of LGs half sister. What a difference that must make for all the family and how much for her mum knowing that you will show kindness and love to both her children not just your granddaughter. That a very special, Poor girl I hope she’s ok.
Scaredycat the castle sounds a good place to visit. I love castles. Nice to have a meal out with your DH’s gym friends. I’ve got two meals out next week . Don’t know how I’ll cope either.
Ellie Anne hope this weekend isn’t too bad for you.

I had a n upsetting incident with a scam caller this afternoon who wanted to speak to my husband and insisted DH had clicked on a web link 2 months ago showing interest in their companies services. Despite repeating several times that DH had died he insisted he’d made contact with them. Unlike me I ended up screaming at him that he was a liar and to leave me alone. It really upset me and I was in tears after.

Cheered up later when DS1 and his wife came to visit.

I was glad to read she had friends round, HVDY. Good sign.
Keep going and you'll need a smaller swim cossie.

Scaredycat, you are just so spot on about me it's lovely. I was much more relaxed today, not only the long sleep but had an afternoon nap too - that long is so rare.

You've had lovely meals out! I don't think I'd have the stamina, except that when one is with loved ones all is more "at ease". Have you managed to do most of your shopping now? The delights of a huge family does mean rather a lot of pressies!

Not essential reading, miss this bit out if its tedious...

I did a bit of reading on cognitive dissonance and understood about why some Quakers kept "sticking up for him".

His standing not just in our little Quaker community but city wide - means that people just cannot accept that someone as "caring and significant to the vulnerable" could have actually sexually assulted someone. It "does their heads in" and the victim might be partially believed but "it couldnt be That bad -such a lovely man blah blah.
However I am articulate enough to point out that "confessing" will win respect too - and if necessary remind him that at the end of the year it will no longer be confidential.

Thanks, Wyllow3. SGD had this problem with her other breast in May. I called round earlier and gave her a card & box of chocolates. She had 3 friends there and they were playing guitars. Parents and LG were at a Santa Claus event somewhere. How's your day been?
ScaredyCat Thanks. We only went to Wetherspoons.. I had a (very disappointing) so-called Mediterranean salad, which had most of the components missing! It was 2 types of leaves and a small amount of quinoa. Your meal out was more like it! Did you have a dessert?

How has everyone else been? x

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- What good news that at last something is being done to help your DH. Your Son needs to be there not only for you but for himself. No need for any guilt feelings it’s where he needs and wants to be.
It’s only natural to feel apprehensive- you,ve both gone through so much and now at last the help he’s waited so long for is imminent. You are both very brave.
HVDY- LG is a much loved little soul isn’t she. So glad you have her in your life.
Her poor sister having to go through that long wait and also a distressing thing for her at that age.I remember her having a problem last year. No wonder she was so uncomfortable.
Hope you,ve had a nice lunch with your Son.
Wow that is some weight loss - you have done brilliantly.
Doodle- yes it was cold yesterday . It was a day full of little jobs and a bit of M and S shopping. Then in the evening we went out for our yearly Christmas get together with DH Gym friends and their wives. I still felt full from Thursdays meal but somehow managed to get through another one!!!
The castle was old but not ancient so was entire. We went round it before lunch- the Xmas decorations were beautiful.
Wyllow- that was a marathon sleep- just what you needed.
Your thoughts on how to go forward with the MrA saga sound imminently sensible. All you really want is a genuine,sincere apology and admission of the behaviour that was so anti the Quakers ways of respect,care and gentleness to one another. It needs a conclusion so you can move forward.
My Christmas wish for you is the hope that you will soon feel strong enough to see your family more often.You have so much to give in terms of fun, knowledge and a sense of adventure. Watching your family grow in body and mind is one of the good bits about growing older.
EllieAnne- hope this weekend isn’t too stressful for you.

Love to all old friends - missing those we haven’t seen lately.

relieve not receive! - why predictive text changed it is a mystery.

Oh, thats a very upsetting long wait - I'm hoping the anti-b's receive the situation by clearing up the infections.

Oh and hey, really well done on the weight front! Go HVDY go.

LG's sister was seen after 5hrs of waiting (the place closes at 7pm but they saw people who were waiting up until that point). She's got a collection of small abscesses under the nipple, so 2 weeks of antibiotics, needs to see her GP for a referral back to the hospital's breast unit.

Seeing Son1 and GD1 for lunch. 23lbs off now, in 7 weeks. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

I must have done something right - went to bed at 12.30, woke at 6.30, hot milk, back to sleep and woke at nearly 10am. A personal best. I think the little charity do that never was but friendly chat instead about this that and the other helped.

No, I wont give up now, Sweetpeasue. Just if they can, I'd like to do it as soon as possible and not leave till January, but the odds are slim. I run through my mind what I want to say, they are "how could you..its affected me x,y,z" said to his face.
what will help is that the counsellors will see him (Tuesday) before they see me (Thursday) next week. I'm expecting to get an idea from them of what I'm likely to gain or limitations on what to expect, which will help.

so tired, but The Knee demands the gym.

I don't know about others, but its hard to do physio exercises home alone, being in a space where others are active sort of eggs me on.

How are your days going, BD's?

It sounds like a "Be as cosy as you can day for you, Sweetpeasue. You have done so very, very well getting matters to this point. A big well done you xx

HVDY Im so sorry about LGs sister. Doodle is right in that it must be hard for a child of her age to go through worries like that. I hope it all gets seen to soon for her.
Wyllow I think you need Mr A to feel complete and sincere remorse for his actions before you can get peace. But please dont give up how far youve come from being so ill. You're doing good working out how you can get RJ.
Doodle Thankyou , I know you understand. Its the only way to get it done with and I share your thoughts about hoping it will relieve his pain. His left hand is mostly completely white and cold with lack of blood flow. Take care of yourself. Yes its blowing a hoolie here and rain lashing down.

Wishing all a peaceful night. Scaredycat, EllieAnne Candy Allsorts Nanny hoping you're all OK.x

Sweetpeasue I’m pleased at last your Dh is going to have his op, Finally they are doing something. Of course you need support no need to feel guilty. Your son needs to be there for you, his dad and himself. I know it’s a major thing and you will be scared but sometimes there’s no other choice and no other way. I just hope it relieves some of your DH’s pain. Thinking of you 💕
Wyllow sounds like things are progressing the right way with Mr A. Hope you are satisfied with the outcome.
I hope you do get to see your granddaughter more often. Children give so much pleasure.
HVDY I’m so sorry about LGs sister. I hope they find out what’s causing those painful lumps and can do something to help. Not a nice thing to happen to a young girl.
I’m sure LG will love whatever you get her for Christmas.
Scaredycat been at church a lot today helping out, got very cold so was pleased to get home again and warm up.
Have you been out? It’s very windy and cold here.

Thank you all for your kind comments on LG. I (we) adore her so much.

SweepeaSue I know you're scared, and I bet your husband is, too, but actually, it's great news that at last, the procedure will be done next Tuesday. Your son will understand, and I'm sure he'll do everything he can to be with you on that day. We, as mums, always try to shield our children, but he can be your shoulder to lean on next week.
Wyllow3 I hope you'll have a better night tonight. All this Mr A stuff is taking its toll. I hope, for your peace of mind, he will give you a genuine, meaningful response. Get it all over and done with, then you can concentrate on getting your mojo back and visiting your family.

LG was here all afternoon - DIL took LG's big sister to the walk-in centre about a painful breast lump (no GP appt until Wed), not the same breast as she had problems with in May. Son2 collected LG at 5.15. x

Aw, don't feel guilty, Sweetpeasue - he loves you both and wants to help. Truly, any son you have brought up will have the sympathy chip. I used to totally "protect him" like you have done, and tbh, it wasnt necessary, it was my fears of driving him away.

I'm so glad you have the news - do keep posting!

wave to nadateturbe. Been playing "your song" and others, when I had a snooze.

Yesterday's elation proved to be temporary, I had a bad depressive night with some "whats the point" thrown in, more physically exhausted than ever. I can recall Doodle saying try to get some distance and you are right D, if only my mind was well enough to respond.

Mainly because it's unlikely MrA would agree to say anything, or be allowed to as regards any police related offence as well as own up to the "sexual" element. So I thought hard with the help of Friend/Cleaner and came up with a solution where MrA can let it be known widely he did assult a Quaker woman, and caused great distress, is heartfeltedly sorry, and aware of how strongly it matters to Quakers we behave with tenderness and respect to each other.

If this comes with my feeling it's genuine then I believe I can work my way forward with this. I think I may be able to get him to see it's a strong thing to do - it's certainly well within any value, religious or otherwise, he has ever expressed. I ran it briefly past the lady, who had just time to listen and a "sounds great, email me".

HVDY what you wrote about LG made me feel strongly - must find ways of seeing my family more as they grow up, the youngest one is 7 and will be leaving that part of childhood soon. Its so difficult - if L were not so disabled, they could "pop down" fairly often as in "in a day", but I'm too tired atm to do that, what I used to.

Nadateturbe Just realised I hadn't replied to your lovely post to me. I appreciate every word and I know how difficult it is for you to post sometimes. Thankyou for your prayers. Im beginning to feel there's someone listening to them at last.x

HVDY Beautiful picture of your LG. She's has such a sweet, joyous face.
Doodle The way you describe coming to a decision between you is so true. At the end of the day its their body. My heart goes out to you especially at this time of year.

I was so upset the other day when the consultant told us of the extra risk but we talked it out and theres risk leaving it longer so DH replied to consultant to go ahead.
A couple of hrs ago he got a call to ask if he could make it to York for the procedure on Tuesday next week. The consultant had said it was urgent and they'd moved someone round to fit him in.
Son comes home Tuesday evening so he's trying to get home a day earlier so he can be with me . Ive never asked him for anything before so feel a bit guilty .
Feel a bit shook up at present-- we've waited so long.
Love to all.xx

Lovely picture Hvdy.